


Acting Out

by eroticfan (mific)



Series: Acting Out [1]
Category: Twilight - Meyer
Genre: AU-Human, Angst, Fanfiction, Love Triangle, Multi, Romance, Teenagers, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-03
Updated: 2010-05-03
Packaged: 2017-10-08 04:05:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 116,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/72515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mific/pseuds/eroticfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Edward, Bella and Jake are juniors in Forks. Very NC-17 with Edward and Jake both bi, but not PWP - there's plot, angst, humor and romance as these messed-up kids figure out their three-way relationship. Even if you're not a Jake fan, you'll like Jake here - trust me!</p><p>Acting Out reached the final nominations list in the 2010 Indie Twific awards.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Want It All

**Author's Note:**

> A re-posting of my longest work to date, from my older (first fandom) Twilight fanfics.  
> This is loooong - 29 chapters, so I'm going to post a chapter a day across the coming month. It's a complete work though, not a WIP. If you're desperate, you can check it out here: [Acting Out on fanfiction.net](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4711015/1/Acting_Out)
> 
> I guess technically they are underage, but I've chosen not to tick that warning as they're the same age and their relationship(s) are consensual.
> 
> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.
> 
> The extremely clever Eccentric Lisa (thanks!) has made a playlist of the music mentioned throughout Acting Out. It's in the order that the track or artist/group crops up in the fic. It was recently moved to "Spotify" - a music sharing (but not downloading) program. You'd have to download Spotify if you don't already have it, but anyway, here's the link - [Playlist](http://www.sharemyplaylists.com/fanfic-acting-out-by-eroticfan).

  
_Edward_

So I'm sitting in the lunchroom, bored out of my mind, surveying the crowd. Had him, had her, had her, had him (makes cute noises when he comes). Really I've almost exhausted all the acceptable possibilities in this backwater.

Bored bored bored. I stretch languidly and decide to tease Jazz, just to pass the time. I like teasing Jazz. Want to do more than just tease him, but these days he always draws the line. And he is my best friend - not that that ever stopped me.

I reach out and massage the nape of his neck, above his Strokes T-shirt and below his curling fair hair. He lets me touch him for a moment, arching back into my hand. Hot - he's almost got me going there. Then he twists gently away, shooting me a sidelong look and shaking his head disapprovingly. Cocktease.

"Hands to yourself, Edward," he reminds me.

Yeah yeah, I'd promised. "What? You just looked a bit tense there, Jazz. Pining for Alice? I'd be happy to tide you over…" I grin suggestively, putting my head down as I stare at him from under my eyelashes and make licking motions with my tongue. Yes kiddies, it's the Jazz and Edward show.

"Knock it off." He snorts and cuffs me lightly across the back of the head. Oooh yes, Jazz, hit me, hurt me. But mind the hair, I don't want to have to go and artfully muss it up all over again.

He didn't always play so hard to get. Time was…no, not the place to reminisce, not unless I want the entire school to see me with a massive hard on.

"I'm going for a smoke." I get up and stretch again, giving the assembled masses a pelvic grind to keep them alert, then saunter out to the parking lot near the woods. Leaning on the hood of the Volvo, staring unseeing at the trees as I blow smoke rings and think about me and Jazz.

Friends since we were five, always getting into shit together. He was always the cavalry soldier hero, and I got tied to trees quite a bit, victim of Indian attacks and the like. And I did like, though I had no idea why at that stage. Then puberty hit and I was aware of him in a new way. Aware of boys and girls in a new way, alive with hormones.

First it was just the usual early adolescent stuff - looking at each other and comparing erections (his is thicker and shorter by half an inch, mine's longer and slightly thinner). Then jacking each other off to see how it felt.

It was never much more than that to Jazz, just fooling around, but I wanted a lot more, dreaming about him doing things to me I'd barely heard about, unclear longings troubling my days and nights and adding to Esme's laundry load.

Then one summer Saturday when we were both fifteen and very stoned on JD and several joints, lazing about on the floor in my room listening to CDs, I rolled him over on his back and kissed him, taking his hands in mine and pinning them to the floor beside his head, my hips grinding into his.

He struggled a little but he was too stoned not to be turned on, and after a while he relaxed into it and opened his mouth. He tasted so fine - whiskey and dope and salt and sweet and I pushed my tongue in to taste him better and he let me. And he let me kiss his ear and his neck as I slid my hands into his hair and across his chest. And he let me pull up his T-shirt and lick a trail down to his jeans. He was groaning softly, pressing up against me now and opening his legs as I slid down between them, and I was so hard it hurt, and so happy and excited I thought I'd die.

I licked and kissed the skin of his belly and hips along the top of his jeans, sticking my tongue into his navel as he shuddered under me. The trail of hair below almost undid me and I kissed it as I unfastened his jeans and opened them, sliding my tongue down to his cock and taking it into my mouth. He was hard, and I licked the salty slickness off the head of his cock and swirled my tongue around it and up and down the shaft, then I took him in my mouth and sucked. He gasped and bucked his hips up. I think he'd have come right then if we hadn't been half-drunk and stoned - thanks again, Jack.

My cock was aching so I undid my jeans and stroked myself as I held Jazz, licking and sucking him. I expect I was clumsy and inexperienced but all I remember is the magic of finally having him in my mouth all hot and hard, just as I'd dreamed. He whimpered then and quivered all over and I took him in as deeply as I could and sucked him and he came in my mouth. He tasted of salt with a slight bitter edge.

I came hard in my hand between his spread legs and then I pulled off my T-shirt and cleaned us up and kissed his belly, doing up his jeans again, and my own. I think I knew he'd need to feel safe as soon as the stoned lust wore off. I slid up beside him, lying in the crook of his armpit, drinking in his musky, sweaty smell.

He lay there for a while breathing deeply, eyes shut, then he turned his head and looked at me with those big gray eyes.

"That was fun, but I'm not gay, Edward." Straight to the point, that's my Jazz.

"Yeah I know. Thanks anyway. I don't know what I am, but that's covered quite a few of my better fantasies."

He grinned and reached for the JD and we lay there on the floor getting companionably drunk. I got to tongue-kiss him again one more time before he had to go home and do chores.

He let me do it again a few times across the next year, always when we were half-cut and stoned. I'd give him head and once or twice he jacked me off afterwards, and there was kissing and touching, but no more than that. I wanted more, but I had the sense not to push it.

I was developing my look across that year too, getting more confident and eyeing up other prospects at school. No-one appealed like Jazz, but some of the girls were shaping up OK and Mike Newton was begging for it. I gave in finally and fucked him even though he didn't really do it for me. I wanted to see what it would be like, and it was alright, but not a patch on fooling around with Jazz. Mike was irritating afterwards though and I had to make it clear that I wasn't interested in a relationship. Not with him or any of them…except Jazz. And I had Jazz, just not quite in the way I wanted.

Then when we were sixteen, Jazz got it on with Alice. I mean, we'd always hung out together, she's my sister after all and only six months older than Jazz and a class ahead, but when you're younger that makes a difference. Who knew that he was carrying a torch for her, he kept it quiet. So they started dating and that was the end of our make-out sessions.

I flick my butt into the undergrowth and sigh.

I've fucked several of the better-looking girls at school and a few more boys apart from Mike, and it's OK as far as it goes, which isn't very far. In the last few months I've started going to a gay club in Seattle where the doorman responds well to a folded C-note and doesn't do ID checks. That's led to some one-night stands where I've had fun and polished my skills, but it's all a bit empty. Or maybe that's just me.

I slip into the Volvo and check myself out in the rear-view mirror. Jazz hasn't fucked up the hair and the guyliner's still looking good. I gaze at my familiar face and blow myself a kiss. Pretty boy, one of the guys from the club called me. I don't seem to have any trouble charming the pants off most people I set my sights on, except for Jazz.

A gold ring in one ear and four silver studs in the other, curving up my earlobe. Green eyes. The decorations aren't strictly within the Forks High dress code but the staff give me more leeway than most, partly because Carlisle's a big-shot doctor, and partly as I unnerve half the teachers and charm the rest. Being a straight A student doesn't hurt either.

Haven't fucked a teacher yet so that's a possible goal for this year, to cut the boredom. Perhaps one of each sex, as a matched set?

___________________________________

A week later and we're in the lunchroom again, ho hum. Except for Emmett who's off somewhere probably making out in a broom cupboard with his new squeeze Rosalie. Alice is back from her shopping trip in San Francisco with Esme so Jazz is happy, his arm around her, fooling with her breast until she slaps him off playfully.

Then I notice someone new across the room. She's talking to Jessica Stanley (been there, deeply average and unpleasantly clingy afterwards). I nudge Alice, social database extraordinaire.

"Who's the new girl?" Indicating her with my chin.

"Bella Swan - Isabella. Chief Swan's daughter. Just arrived from Phoenix to live with him. I sat with her in English and she seems nice. A little shy."

I stare at her. She's oddly pale for someone from Arizona, must have lived in a crypt or something. Her hair's dark brown, a thick mass around her face. She's lovely and I feel a surge of interest. At last, something to do.

Someone to do.

Then she looks over and stares back at me. Wide deep brown eyes rimmed with black and a serious expression, almost haunted. She's got an eyebrow stud and several rings and studs in her ears. Interesting. She's wearing a long-sleeved black top with a fringed brown leather waistcoat over it so not entirely a Goth look. Maybe Phoenix Goths have a cowboy edge to them.

She stands up to return to class and I see black jeans and brown cowboy boots. And a thick black leather belt with studs around her hips. Good and totally un-Forks-like dress-sense, so she looks like an alien species among the blue denim, pastel and sports labels. I watch her cute ass sway as she leaves the room. Oh yes Bella, Edward wants you.

And what Edward wants, Edward gets.

I don't see her again until Biology when she sits beside me because that's the only free seat. It's free because I like it that way, but I'll make an exception for Ms Swan.

She's even better close up. Delicate features and she smells somehow floral, and of fruit. I find I'm leaning in and inhaling as she tosses the mane of hair back and turns to look at me.

"Hello, I'm Edward Cullen and you're Bella Swan," I say politely, turning on the charm.

"Yes, I did know that," she says, smiling wryly. "You're the doctor's spoiled brat son who fucks anything that moves, I gather."

I raise one eyebrow. "Oh please, I assume Stanley's been dishing the dirt. Sour grapes, believe me. I'm very choosy in fact." I give her the crooked smile, always a winner, and lean in further. "And I choose you," I whisper, soft so only Bella can hear me.

Her chocolate brown eyes turn dark as her pupils dilate. That's my girl, gotcha.

But she's not smiling now and neither am I as our eyes lock. I feel my breathing quicken and for some reason I can't look away. Get a grip, Edward. I shake my head slightly, feeling dazed. My heart's racing and I want to brush her hair aside and kiss her neck. I want to take her hand and pull her outside and fuck her in the woods. My cock's hard, and all I can think about is this girl. What the fuck's going on?

Christ knows what the rest of the class is about. Something with microscopes and we take turns. I try and brush against her every chance I get, and when our hands touch a shiver goes through me. Jesus, this is intense, it's like I'm on some mind-altering drug.

So fucking hard not to bury my face in her soft sweet hair when she leans across to peer into the eyepiece. My cock's in torment and I have to discreetly adjust myself once or twice. She notices and smirks at me, the knowing little bitch. It makes me want her more, if that's humanly possible.

Finally Banner releases us and I let her leave and just sit there shaken, until my dick subsides. I've never reacted like that to anyone before. Not even Jazz - but it's different with him, we've known each other forever.

She's gone by the time I get outside and I drive home with Alice and Emmett, unusually quiet as Alice prattles away about her day and Emmett puts his head back and nods off in the back seat.

I need to think.

___________________________________

__

_Bella_

Fucking rain. Jesus, I hate Forks. I'm in bed and it's the first day of school and I just want to pull the covers up over my head and never leave my room.

But I don't because I'm a good girl and I have no goddamn choice. I can't go back to Phoenix so I have to live with Charlie.

I don't see how I'm going to survive at all but I drag myself into the shower and get dressed. I spent some time yesterday choosing what I was going to wear so as to cope with how shitty today's going to be. Being stared at, being analysed and discussed. I can feel myself start to tense up and hyperventilate at the thought so I do the breathing exercise Gillian taught me and it helps. Slightly.

I'm sad to have to stop seeing Gillian, she was a good therapist. And I'll miss the sun. But I won't miss Renee and I sure as shit won't miss Phil. Or James. My stomach ties itself in a knot and I do the breathing thing again to squash the James thoughts.

I put on a lot of eyeliner and mascara as a disguise - too raccoonish? Nah, fuck it. Charlie blinks at me when I get downstairs - I guess he's never seen me in full armour and warpaint before. But I need it to cope with scary old Forks High. God, I'm pathetic.

Then I have to drive the ancient old truck Charlie bought for me. It's a stick shift of course, being from before the flood, and I crash the gears a few times before I calm down and remember the lesson he gave me yesterday.

Why in hell he couldn't get me an inconspicuous old Corolla automatic I do not fucking know. He really has no idea who I am at all. Probably as we never talk.

And it's bad. Not unbearable but it's pretty bad when I arrive and have to get out of the truck that suddenly seems like a haven not an eyesore. And I've totally misjudged it with the outfit which would fit right in at my old school, but here, to quote Chandler, I'm like a tarantula on a slice of angel food cake.

The rain gets all over me as I dash inside because I have no slicker - who needs one in Phoenix? So my hair goes completely fucking feral and I have to sit through the morning classes all damp and probably smelling like a wet dog. Could it get any better?

An airhead called Jessica chats with me but her smile never reaches her eyes, and a jerk called Mike tries to hit on me. He's trying too hard, probably gay or something. English is a little better as I get to sit next to a girl called Alice who seems a lot more genuine and friendly. Then we go off to different classes before lunch and I'm back with Jessica again in Trig.

I end up sitting with Jessica and her friends at lunch because I don't know anyone and it would be so much worse to have to sit alone. I had no appetite at breakfast and I have none now, but I force down an apple and a soda so as not to faint and call even more attention to myself.

Jessica's gossiping about the kids around us, telling me who's a skank and who had to get treated for crabs. Mental note: do not let this bitch find out anything about me. I nod and smile and look vaguely around through my wild hair at the sea of Nike and Adidas clones.

The only ones that aren't in the same boring mold are across the other side of the room. One's Alice who I was with in English, and there are two guys with her. I study them surreptitiously. Alice is tiny but she's very pretty with well cut, short, dark hair that must take a lot of product to keep in that spiky do. Designer labels again, but better taste and a more romantic look.

She's with a big blonde who obviously wants to take her outside and have her up against a wall. His hands are constantly touching her and she doesn't mind a bit though she keeps him within bounds in public. It's kind of cute how into each other they are. He's a looker and a bit more alternative with a ratty Doors T-shirt and torn jeans, a plaid shirt hanging open and old scuffed sneakers.

The third guy's the really interesting one though. He's sprawled out, one of his long legs up on a nearby chair, staring out the window, fingers drumming impatiently on the table. He looks bored and he's incredibly hot with a beautiful, arrogant face and red-brown hair that's perfectly disarranged.

His hair looks as though he just got thoroughly fucked in the back seat of someone's car, which is a possibility I guess but I doubt he'd be looking so irritable if that were so. He's wearing black boots, black cords and a fitted dark green shirt over a long, lean body and I can see that he's got studs and shit in both ears. Oh right, he must be gay, that explains it.

I lean over to what's her name - Jessica Stanley, that's right.

"Jessica. Who are those three over there?" - trying to indicate them without pointing.

"The Cullens and their hangers-on. The two dark ones, they're Cullens. She's Alice and he's Edward. And the blonde's Jasper Whitlock, Alice's boyfriend. And Edward's as well would you believe. He fucks absolutely anything, he's a complete whore. Just last week I saw Edward feeling Jasper up right here in the lunchroom. Believe me - stay away from that one, cos who knows where his cock's been."

She giggles but she sounds bitter and I wonder what her history is with him. But she's off again, her eyes hard and her small mouth pursed.

"Edward thinks he's God's gift. Their father's Dr Carlisle Cullen at the hospital - now he's a hottie, almost worth getting a broken leg just to have him examine you. So anyway the Cullens're rolling in it and Edward gets away with murder cos he's like, the youngest."

OK, I'm intrigued now although he does sound like a piece of work and he looked every bit as full of himself as she's saying. I turn and look back at him, curious, and find he's staring right at me appraisingly, and I feel a chill run through me and the hair stands up on the back of my neck. I see that he's wearing eyeliner and it makes his stare more intense. He's stopped drumming his fingers and he doesn't look bored any more.

I feel like a bird trapped by a snake and I wrench my eyes away, starting to hyperventilate again. Jessica babbles on some more about trivial crap as I do the deep breathing again and try to pull myself together.

I don't dare to look at him again and it's time for class so I gather my things and escape, trying hard not to stumble even though my legs feel strange, like jelly. I can feel his eyes on my butt as I leave, but that's probably just me being paranoid. I often think people are watching me make a fool of myself when of course no-one actually gives a shit about me at all.

The afternoon goes much like the morning except I'm not damp any more even if the hair's still impossible. Then it's Biology and there's only one seat free, and just my stupid luck, it's next to Edward Cullen.

So I shake my hair around me and try to hide behind it but I can feel him looking at me and I decide this is ridiculous, I have to make some attempt to act normal.

I push the hair back and turn around to introduce myself like a sane person would, and he's right there, much closer than I'd expected, which throws me off a bit and I can't speak for a moment. So he takes over, Mr Smooth in person.

"Hello, I'm Edward Cullen and you're Bella Swan."

Yeah, I know who I am, Edward but thanks for the reminder. "Yes, I did know that." I guess he asked Alice about me. He's smirking at me insufferably so I just let rip. "You're the doctor's spoiled brat son who fucks anything that moves, I gather."

He does this eyebrow-raising thing, so gay. "Oh please, I assume Stanley's been dishing the dirt. Sour grapes, believe me. I'm very choosy, in fact."

Then he gives me this quirky smile that's just so hot, the bastard, and he so knows it too, Jesus he's such a flirt. He leans in closer and he's whispering now.

"And I choose you" he says, staring at me.

Where the fuck does he get off saying that? Like, do I get a choice in this? Asshole. Christ he's hot but he's such a controlling prick and he's the Forks High whore and I cannot go there again with a bastard like this, not again.

But he's staring at me with such hot green eyes and there's an odd look to him now like he's hungry and almost afraid, and we're both breathing fast and I try to slow it down but my fingers are tingling. I can't look away, and my mouth's open like a fool and I'm wet again but not from the rain now and I can't do this again, please God no.

The teacher Mr Banner snaps us out of it and we blunder through some science lab which thank Christ I did before in Phoenix so I don't have to think about it.

Which is just as well because I can't think, my brain's turned to custard and it's like my whole body's an antenna tuned to him and he keeps brushing against me and every time it's like electricity and I can't breathe. And he smells so good when he leans across for the microscope - like toffee and mint and spice and fucking. And I want to grab him and rip open his shirt and press my nose against his chest and just breathe him in until he fills me up.

I keep my hair between us as much as I can but he keeps leaning in and what the fuck's he doing? Is he inhaling me like I'm doing to him? I probably still smell like a damp dog and my panties are so wet between my legs I'm terrified he'll smell that too. I want to push him up against the lab bench and kiss him hard with my tongue in his mouth but that's the stupidest idea I ever had and believe me that's really saying something.

I see him adjusting his pants so I know he's turned on too, and suddenly I feel happy and powerful and I grin a little and his eyes narrow and he shakes his head as if to say just you wait. And that's pretty goddam scary so I panic and hide behind my hair.

Then it's over and I scrabble for my bag and just get out of there and run through the rain for the safety of my truck. And I lurch out of the parking lot crashing the gears and cursing, with tears in my eyes because I cannot do this shit again, I just can't.

And especially not with Edward fucking Cullen.

 


	2. Behind the Scenes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - a fairly graphic account of an abusive relationship in this chapter.   
> Acting Out Playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)  
> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.

 

_Edward_

I need to think but I can't think about much except Bella Swan.

She's taken up residence in my head and I keep flashing on her face, the feeling when I brushed against her, how good her hair smelled. I keep getting hard when I think of her.

I need to beat off and exorcize her, get her the fuck out of my head.

We get to _chez Cullen_ and Alice and Emmett make for their rooms. I head to the kitchen to see Esme. I don't much want to, but she expects it. And if I don't she'll come up to my room and that's not the best idea today. I have other plans involving Bella and my hand.

"Hi Mom." I kiss her cheek. She's making dinner - meatloaf by the smell, a personal favorite.

"Edward darling. How was school today?"

I lean on the counter and steal a sundried tomato before she chops it up. Some oil drips down my chin and Esme wipes it off with a dishcloth, holding my jaw in one hand as though I were a wriggling three year old as she cleans me, smiling fondly.

I always feel confused when she does this shit. I'm her youngest and she's not going to let me grow up without a fight. I hate it when she treats me like a kid, but I love her and I don't want to hurt her.

I already hurt her too much and nothing can make up for that.

"Same old same old. This is Forks High Mom, it's not like I need more than 2 or 3 joined-up neurons to manage it."

"I know you say you'd rather be in LA darling but you know why I decided to move here when you started school - to make sure you kids were safe and not getting into all that inner-city stuff like drugs and gangs. I mean, there are no metal detectors at Forks High, thank goodness."

There are other hazards. Bella's wide eyes fixed on mine, her pale kissable throat. And Forks has its share of bad behavior - I should know, I'm the cause of a lot of it.

So much you don't know about me. That you don't want to know, no matter what you see when you look at me. What do you make of the guyliner Mom, and the piercings? Don't you ever wonder? Does telling yourself I'm "artistic" really do it for you?

Now she's thrusting an envelope at me.

"I got some information about Seattle University. I know it's a while away for you yet, but no harm looking into it."

I take it reluctantly. "Thanks, I'll read it later." Esme's set on me commuting to SU from Forks. I'm equally set on making my escape from her claustrophobic love, but we haven't fought that battle yet.

"Homework calls." I push off from the counter, grabbing a dill pickle for the road.

I take the stairs two at a time, keen to give that little succubus from Biology a good seeing to and break her hold over me.

Under the shower's driving hot water I visualize Bella sucking me off on her knees in front of me, wet and submissive as she kneels on the tiles.

It's exciting and I draw on memories of others who've had their mouths on me, girls and boys both, imagining Bella's mouth as hot and wet as theirs as she sucks me in until I bump the back of her throat. Fantasies never have gag reflexes.

Her hands grip me as she deep throats my dick but at the end I pull back and come in her face to teach her not to haunt me.

Then as I lean panting against the wall of the shower, eyes closed and forehead against the cool glass, my traitor imagination raises her up and washes her tenderly under the shower's spray and I take her in my arms and kiss her, losing myself in her mouth, pressing myself up against her warm wet curves and stroking her breasts as she moans, nipples coming erect as I pinch them. My hand moves on my cock again, as I feel her wet body against me.

Now I'm sliding my hand slick with soap down between her legs to caress her and oh I'm pressing her back against the glass wall, two slippery fingers driving into her hot cunt as my other hand slips into her folds and finds her swollen clit and I'm running my finger around and around it, teasing her, rubbing and flicking it as she shudders. And then she comes and I'm coming again too, hard and desperate and my head falls back and I moan her name as the water runs down my face.

Fuck.

This won't do. I've a reputation to keep up and I can't be crushing on some little newcomer interloper. I'll fuck her and forget her, get it over and done with. And this weekend I'll go to the club again, that'll distract me nicely. I'm in the mood for a bit of rough, someone masterful.

Someone who doesn't have pale skin, big dark eyes and hair smelling of strawberries.

_________________________________________

_Bella_

I'm still in a state when I get home, trying not to think about Edward Cullen. Thinking about him anyway. His eyes…those long-fingered hands…his sprawled legs. No mustn't think about him.

I start dinner hoping the familiar tasks will calm me. Chopping onions for Bolognese sauce and I'm crying from the onions, then it's not just the onions and I have to escape to my room, lying on the bed curled up with my arms around me, hurting again.

James, fucking James. With his knowing face, his long dirty-blonde hair tied back and his hard muscled body. He could have had any girl in our sophomore year, but he wanted me. Back then I thought it was a miracle, all my wet dreams come true. Now I think he sensed I was already damaged. He smelled blood in the water and homed in on me.

Oh he was sweet at first, dating and romancing me, joking and flirting. So cool and sure of himself and I was dazzled. I fell hard, wanting only to please James and be with him. Losing myself. Trying to be what he wanted and afraid he'd lose interest in me as I couldn't see why he'd chosen me out of all the others. I wasn't special, I was just the opposite.

Chosen me. Fuck Edward and his "I choose you" bullshit. Another operator.

So James played me and I fell in love. It's still love even if the person's wrong, even if they're playing you. It's just fucked up love that's never going to last.

It was intense, all the usual shit. I loved his face, his body, his smell. I used to wait for him in his room when he was out being an arrogant prick and probably screwing other girls. At least he was paranoid about getting infected and always used condoms, small mercies. So I'd sit there waiting for him with my face buried in one of his dirty shirts inhaling the scent of his sweat, hating myself but unable to give him up.

The sex was good at first. He was my first, and at least he was gentler then even if what he wanted always mattered more. I was too insecure to tell him what was better for me and if I didn't come he got mad and said I was frigid. So I always came, whether I really had or not. I got to be an expert faker, but I still couldn't see that was the whole relationship right there.

I didn't have to fake much at first. I wasn't afraid of him then and he wasn't so out of it. He fucked me hard and drove me mad with his touch and I let him do whatever he wanted. It seemed part of the love to try everything no matter what he asked, no limits. He liked to take me from behind, bending me over his black leather couch as he squeezed my breasts, whispering hot and dirty in my ear as he thrust into me.

Then he started fingering me in public - under the table at diners, in his car as we idled alongside other drivers at stop lights, at my home in front of the TV with Renee and Phil in the next room. He made me stop wearing panties and at first it was an exciting game. Some of it was the thrill but it got more and more about owning. I was his thing and he could touch me anywhere.

And he loved me going down on him and taught me how to take him in deeply and pump him with my hands while I sucked him. He got rougher as he fell apart though, hurting me as he fisted my hair, bruising my lips and finally slapping me when he couldn't come at all, cursing me out as a useless bitch.

He got so jealous. Of any man anywhere near me, of school friends and guys in my classes. Even of girlfriends in the end. He wouldn't let me talk to anyone else but he didn't really talk to me either, just argued and brooded or left me alone while he went off scoring more dope.

He was drinking more and smoking a lot of weed. I'd started smoking too when I was with him. It was dumb I know but I was sucked into his world, and his world was full of drink and weed so I used it to be what I thought he wanted.

That was bad enough, but it was a lot worse when he started with the meth. He got more erratic, shouting and paranoid, and that's when he really started hitting me. He was cunning though, hitting me where it wouldn't show under clothes, all contrite afterwards and begging me to forgive him.

I had just enough sense left not to use meth. It terrified me, especially when I saw what it did to James. I tried to break off with him but he got so angry. He stalked me, lurking and confronting me, trying to make me come back to him.

I can't talk about how it ended. Well I did with Gillian, but no-one else, and I wouldn't lay charges and be dragged through the courts, I was traumatized enough as it was. Soon after that James was arrested for armed robbery of a liquor store and he's doing time now. Out in about five years they tell me. He never knew about Charlie and Forks so I'll be OK here - he was never really interested in me, in my life.

So that's one reason I'm here in the endless gloom and rain, one reason I jump at shadows and still have nightmares. One reason I need to steer well clear of a bastard like Edward Cullen.

Because he's just my type.

_________________________________________

_Edward_

Dinner _en famille._ The meatloaf's tasty but I don't have my usual appetite for some reason. I'm still a bit unsettled by my macho shower fantasy morphing into a chickflick, and intermittently distracted by sudden intrusive lust flashbacks of brushing against her arm and the scent of her hair. Lustbacks. Flashlusts.

What? Carlisle's talking to me.

"Edward? How was your day?"

Right. It's reporting-in time, a Cullen dinner table tradition. Emmett usually gets away with a few simian grunts and a sports update and Alice has, I now realize, been chattering away for a few minutes about the riveting trivia of Forks High.

"Oh, pretty average Carlisle. No-one went berserk with an Uzi in the hallways so it was win but a tad on the dull side."

"Very droll Edward." Carlisle frowns at me, disapproving.

He means well but he's such a stuffed shirt, the dutiful doctor. Esme married him for security and he's certainly secure. And complacent and narrow-minded and something of a hypocrite, pretending to care about me. I like to needle him, though it upsets Esme. I see her tense up out of the corner of my eye.

"More meatloaf Edward?" Esme the peacemaker riding to the rescue with food, the answer to all life's ills. It's a miracle I'm not anorexic.

"No thanks Mom, I'm fine." I will be fine, once I've hit the club and had my weekend knee trembler.

"What did you think of the information about Seattle University Edward?" Esme's certainly a tryer.

"Haven't had time to read it yet Mom."

"Seattle U?" Carlisle eyes me dubiously. "You can do better than that Edward, with your grades. You should be aiming for Ivy League."

"But Seattle would be so convenient Carlisle." Esme's quick to defend her position. "Edward could commute from here."

Carlisle and I share a look, for once in complete agreement. I want out and he wants me out. He's never been thrilled about competing with me for Esme's affections.

I've never accepted him as my father, even though I carry his name. My real father's dead, and no provincial medic with an over-inflated sense of his own importance is going to replace him. But I won't think of my father. I push those thoughts back down quickly, burying them under lustbacks of Bella's ass swaying above those cowboy boots as she leaves the lunchroom. Yeehaa, I'm so looking forward to the ride.

"Anyway it's Alice and Emmett you should be hassling about College applications, not me yet Mom. And speaking of Seattle, I'm off to a concert there this weekend. Eagles of Death Metal are playing so I plan to stay over Saturday at Greg's place and come back Sunday." Greg's a mythical friend I've invented for my trips to the Seattle club. He allows me to party all night away from parental supervision.

"Eagles of Death Metal? The names these groups make up. Ridiculous. Death Metal indeed, it'll be Satanism next." Carlisle huffs disapprovingly.

"Actually Carlisle the name's an in-joke - Death Metal meets the Eagles. Their music's been described as a combination of bluegrass slide guitar mixed with stripper drum beats and Canned Heat vocals."

Carlisle glares at me as though I'm an unpleasant alien insect he hasn't yet managed to exterminate.

"It doesn't sound like very nice music Edward. It's not going to be a rough crowd is it? Bikers or …what are they called…punks?" Esme fretting about her baby boy again. If only she knew.

"No Mom don't panic. No heavies." Not at the concert anyway, which I do plan to catch. But I'll definitely be on the lookout for some rough trade at the club later on.

And so endeth another delightful repast, welding us further into one big happy Cullenish family. Not.

_________________________________________

_Bella_

Charlie scarfs down the spag bol, seeming not to notice that it's slightly undercooked after my relapse into catatonia delayed dinner. But then Charlie's culinary abilities rival those of homo sapiens before the discovery of fire.

I'm looking vaguely normal again after dealing with the tear-blurred raccoon eyes with some wipes and strategic coverstick round the red eyes. Charlie doesn't notice anything anyway. He's content to ignore what he can't handle, cocooning himself in his work and the TV sports coverage.

As usual we don't talk at first, just focussing on the food. Not that I can eat much, but I force down half a serving.

Then Charlie pushes his plate back. "How was your first day then Bells?"

Various replies run through my head as I edit furiously. _Just peachy Dad - I got hit on by a jerk, bored witless by a small-minded vindictive bitch then manipulated by an intersex lothario in Biology. And how was _your_ day?_

"Oh, OK I guess. I met one girl who seems nice - Alice Cullen. She's in my English class."

"Ah yes the Cullens. Their father's a doctor at the hospital. He's a great guy, we're lucky he chooses to live and work here, I'm sure he could make a lot more in a bigger center. So you met his daughter? I don't know the kids well, but I think the oldest boy's quite the football star. Did you meet them all?"

"No Dad, I didn't meet the jock. The other son - Edward - he's in my Biology class though."

"Edward. Mmmm. You be careful of that one, I've heard the odd rumor about him and I've seen him around. He looks like…like he could be trouble." Charlie frowns, peering at me, clearly torn about dissing the noble doctor's progeny. Not saying what Renee must have told him about my traumas in Phoenix and my career to date as a disaster-magnet for dangerous guys.

"He seemed a bit full of himself but we didn't talk much." I smell him again and see his eyes locked on mine, a spark kindling between us. My groin crawls with sudden heat and I leap up to distract myself, gathering the plates and running hot water in the sink.

I am so fucked.

My thoughts keep coming back to him as we do the dishes and I have to excuse myself afterwards as Charlie settles in front of the TV, pleading homework even though I've got none as yet.

I take a shower to relax and try to escape into bed again, pulling the sheet over my head to shield myself from remembering but I can't. I see it again - turning to introduce myself and finding him right there inhaling my goddamn hair, looking briefly blissed before he pulls himself together with the smooth operator seduction crap.

Then his eyes locked on mine and that helpless, trapped look he got before Banner interrupted us. Perhaps he's not as armor-plated as he seems?

Did he feel it too or was it just me? No, he must have felt it, the way he kept touching me "accidentally" and the way he had to adjust his cords. He was definitely turned on as well.

And I'm wet just thinking about him, remembering his shocking green eyes fixed on me, darkening as his pupils widened, edged with fucking guyliner. Damn I wish I didn't like that ambivalent semi-gay look so much but it's always pushed my buttons.

He's edgy and fucked up and it's just so hot and my hand's slid down beween my legs and I'm stroking my clit as I groan and arch back, my legs spreading wide apart as I imagine him between them, kissing my inner thighs and running his tongue up to my slit, hands spreading my folds as he tongues me and sucks me.

I'm gasping now and Jesus I'm so hot for him my cunt's on fire and I have to fuck myself with my fingers, my hips pumping as I moan _oh Edward fuck me, yes fuck me Edward, fuck me hard, fuck my cunt you bastard make me scream_ and I'm coming now and it's intense, the hardest hottest orgasm since the early days with James.

Christ that was good and I'm all warm and loose now as I curl up on my side with my groin still half-buzzed and slip into a dreamless sleep, for once not hurting.

 


	3. Foreplay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out Playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

 

_Edward_

We're in the parking lot waiting for Jazz and the Testosterone Kid's gone charging off to find Rosalie and get her up behind the gym for a quickie before class.

I need to work on Alice but I have to manage it just right. She's got weapons-grade social skills and she might see right through me. But I'm Edward fucking Cullen, I can handle Alice.

Bella's decrepit truck pulls in, gears crashing as she maneuvers it through the gateway. I grin, seeing her cursing furiously, face contorted.

"Alice, my little chickadee…"

"What d'you want, Edward?"

Shit, busted. How did she…? "How does calling you a chickadee mean I want anything?"

"You're transparent, brother mine. I'll be windexing you any second."

I am _so_ not transparent. Fuck her, the knowing little dwarf.

"Whatever. I was thinking you should rescue the new girl…" I nod over at her truck where she's now bent over retrieving her book bag that she dropped clambering out of the cab, giving me an excellent view of her sweet round ass in jeans. Damn that's nice, maybe the truck's a plus after all… "I mean, rescue her from the dire clutches of Stanley and Newton et al."

"_Me,_ Edward? Why don't _you_ look after her, you're the one whose eyes are glued to her ass."

I purse my lips thoughtfully. "I don't think she's…ready…for the full force of my charm as yet…" I smirk.

"Yeah, right. Why do I think that you want me to soften her up for you?"

"Thought never crossed my mind, Alice. She just needs a…mentor. New school and all that. You could take her in hand…" I'm watching Bella walk inside and I'd _so_ like to take her in hand, her tits and her hot ass, grrrr. I have to take a deep breath and wrench my thoughts away.

"If I do, Edward, know that it's not for you. I'm not going to pimp her for you and see her get fucked up. But I like her so, yes, I'm going to get to know her. And I'm going to warn her off you."

Excellent. There's nothing like being warned off to excite a girl's interest. That'll do nicely but I put the sullen voice on, my forte.

"Thanks for nothing." Game on.

____________________________________

__

_Bella_

My room looks like a clothing bomb went off. I woke early and started trying to figure out what to wear today. Problem is I don't do Nike or Converse. I shop at places like Target or used clothing stores run by little old ladies smelling of violets and church.

So I'm never going to entirely fit in and I find I don't really want to compromise too much. Fuck Forks High. OK, decision time. Ordinary jeans, here's a pair that are well worn in, and my old Timberland lace-up boots that are so battered now and probably won't keep the rain out but I love them. And a plain dark blue long-sleeved T with a patchwork waistcoat over it. I like waistcoats, they give me another layer to hide behind. A leather belt through the jeans and I'm set. I cool it with the make-up today and Charlie looks relieved that I'm not raccoon-girl any more.

I still haven't gotten the hang of the damn stick shift and then I drop my bag trying to get out of the cab. And of course he's watching the show, leaning on his stupid shiny Volvo all lean and amused, fuck him.

Alice is with him, probably waiting for the blonde guy, what was his name? Jasper. She seems to be telling Edward off for some reason but I can't really see out of the corner of my eye because he's staring right at me and I don't want him to catch me looking.

And this time as I walk inside I know for sure he's looking at my ass. I feel hot all over like there's a laser beam trained on me.

The low point of the morning is gym which I'm crap at, but I meet a girl called Angela there who's friendly and she rescues me by partnering up for badminton. She's tall and athletic and manages to dodge my wild swipes at the birdie-thing so no-one actually gets hurt - a miracle.

Then English, and Alice passes me a note saying "come sit with me at lunch so Jessica Stanley doesn't drive you crazy". I want to get away from Jessica and I want to be friends with Alice, but sitting with Alice means sitting with Edward and I don't know if I can handle it. I can't help but look over at Alice dubiously and she grimaces, seeming to have read my mind. She gestures for the note back and scribbles some more on it. "I'll make Edward behave, don't worry about him." So I nod OK to her, but inside I'm nervous. And how did she know I'd be worried about him - did he say something?

I'm a little late after Trig so when I get to the lunchroom Alice's table's crowded. There's another couple there today - a huge dark-haired guy with curly hair - must be the jock, the other brother. And a blonde beside him who looks like a goddam supermodel. And he's there of course, sprawled out beside Jasper the tall blonde, with his long legs crossed at the ankle, listening to an iPod with his head bent forward, the bronze sex-hair nodding to the beat and his eyes closed. Maybe if he's zoned out to his music it'll be OK.

I get a tuna sandwich and a soda and make my way over. Alice waves to me and she's got a spare chair beside her, away from Edward. I can do this. And it goes alright with Alice chatting away busily and filling me in on the local scene, minus Jessica's bitchiness. The big guy's called Emmett - really these people have weird old fashioned names, maybe Forks is in some sort of _Deliverance_ time warp. Emmett and the supermodel Rose are mostly focused on each other, whispering and giggling, and they leave after a while, looking like they're off to make out under the bleachers. You can almost smell the lust rising off them in waves.

Edward keeps to himself, and Jasper turns out to be a nice guy, funny and sweet as he teases Alice. We get to talking about favorite books and end up discussing _Cold Mountain_ which Jasper loves as he's mad about the Civil War. I love the writing and tell him that writing that well's my dream. And then I see Edward's watching me under his lashes and I blush and wish I hadn't gotten so carried away. The writing fantasy's not one I usually share.

____________________________________

__

_Edward_

I play it super cool the first few days whenever I'm around Alice and Bella. They're well on the way to being BFFs which is handy right now but may prove awkward when I've plucked the Swan and am over her. Oh well, cross that troll-infested bridge when I come to it.

It's going swimmingly, with Alice lulled into a false sense of security by my good behavior around Bella. Mostly I ignore her, but I listen hard under cover of the iPod. I have soft classical like Debussy and Mozart playing quietly in the background but I let them think my ears are full of Foo Fighters so I can't overhear them.

I'm stalking Bella and they don't even know it. Reconnoitring my prey so I have ammunition when I move in for the kill. I'm often moody and uncommunicative so no-one notices any change.

In Biology I'm scrupulously polite. That's the hardest part - not being polite, I can do that act blindfold and buried upside down in shit. No, it's hard reining in the lust when we're so close in class and I can smell her and she brushes against me and flips her hair. I swear she does it on purpose to fuck with me and the movie on Wednesday almost does me in. It's like there's an electric connection pulling at us, like we're two poles of a magnet and I have to fight the force that wants to slam me thwack against her mouth. I just manage to resist it but I'm hard through the whole class and impatient afterwards to get home and relieve the tension.

There's been a hell of a lot of tension-relieving going on since Bella arrived and my couch, shower and bed have all had extensive workouts as I take her in every conceivable position - bending her over the furniture, on all fours, from the side after waking in the morning all entwined, pounding into her with her legs up over my shoulders, bouncing her in my lap in the Volvo. I had to do an extra laundry load myself to divert Esme's suspicions. Damn I need to fuck this girl, she's driving me insane.

By Wednesday I know a number of things about her. She loves reading and I'm surprised that the books she likes are similar to my own tastes. She dreams of being a writer some day. She loves Ron Sexsmith and Gram Parsons, and she's turned Jazz on to musicians from the other side of the planet that he's never heard of like The Datsuns, Salmonella Dub and Fat Freddy's Drop - apparently there was some Downunder exchange student in Phoenix who loaded it all onto her laptop. She's thick as thieves with Jazz, swapping mp3s busily. And she loves opera. Her favorite's _Madame Butterfly_ and I find myself remembering the live recording of _Un Bel Di_ by Renata Scotto I have in my collection, and thinking I must play it for her.

It seems unfair that the more I find out about her the more interesting she is. I'm not planning on _liking_ her for Christ's sake, that's never been the idea, objectification's a fuck of a lot safer. But it's hard not to warm to her, especially as she's such a klutz and I see her trip and stumble several times even in a few days, and in Biology we already have an agreement that I handle any sharp objects in the labs. I almost catch myself feeling protective towards her. I need to cut that shit out but somehow my heart lifts when I see the old red truck pull in and Bella falls out yet again.

By Thursday I'm ready to make a move. In the morning break I show Jazz some choice porn clips on my phone featuring tall men and very small women - a particular kink of his. I've been saving them for the occasion, and sure enough by noon he's eyeing Alice hungrily. Alice isn't worried about me attacking Bella now so she and Jazz take off in his car for a quickie. Emmett and Rose absent themselves on a similar mission so it's just me sitting at our table, when Bella arrives.

She's a little taken aback to find I'm the sole welcoming committee but I smile at her and pat the chair beside me, and really it'd be rude of her to refuse. So I turn on the charm and I feel her thawing as we talk about music and books and movies, and suddenly it's time for class, sooner than I'd expected. So I walk her to her next class and we pick it up later in Biology, passing each other notes, playing the "extremes" game, trying to think of ridiculous things to ask.

Me:_ What's the worst pet experience you ever had?_

Bella_: I drank my goldfish by accident when I was 11. Was in a glass while I cleaned his tank and I forgot and got thirsty.  
What's the most embarrassing date you ever had?_

Me: _Age 13, took a girl to the Seattle Space Needle and pissed myself when the Ferris wheel jammed with us up top. I'm not too stuck on heights. _

I'm pleased she's asking about my dating history. Not that I really have one, having avoided romance and moved rapidly into serial fucking. But it means she's interested.

By Friday I've stolen Bella away from Jazz and his Touch, and we spend lunch talking about opera. I tell her about my collection and by the end of the day she's agreed to come over and listen to the Renata Scotto track.

Excellent progress.

____________________________________

__

_Bella_

The week improves after Monday's shaky start. I feel more accepted and low profile, which helps a lot. And I have a place to eat lunch, with the Cullens and Jasper.

Even Edward improves, though I'm thrown on Thursday to find he's the only one at the table. But he's unexpectedly charming and we get caught up talking so I lose track of the time. He walks me to my class and I know he's supposed to be a bastard but I can't help it, I like how it feels. He's just so damn beautiful and my breath catches in my throat when he turns those green eyes on me and smiles.

It's the same in Biology where he's always the gentleman but it drives me mad to sit so close to him, especially as Banner shows a movie on Wednesday and it's worse in the dark. I start almost hallucinating, my senses are so hyped up. His scent's strong in my nose, making me squirm and shiver and I hear his breathing and it sounds like he's breathing fast as well. I sneak a look at him and he's staring at me when I do, faintly outlined by reflected light from the screen, his eyes black and intense. Thursday's easier as we're chatting by then and we pass notes like seventh graders. It's fun.

Then Friday I discover he loves opera too and has a great collection, so I agree to go over after school. Charlie's fine with it as it's Alice's place and I told him we're getting to be friends which he's happy about. I don't tell Charlie it's Edward who invited me, figuring he'd be a lot less keen on that plan.

So after school Alice takes the Volvo and I drive Edward in my truck as he says the turn-off to their place is hard to find. I'm curious to see where they live, as I follow the Volvo out of town.

"Why a Volvo, Edward? You seem like more of a Porsche guy somehow."

He grunts and makes a face. "Esme, my Mom." He looks sideways at me. "She's…overprotective. She bought it for me when I got my licence, as Volvos have a great safety record."

"Couldn't you talk her into something a bit more boy-racer?"

"No." He sighs. "Road safety…it's something of a sore point with Esme. Ancient history, I won't bore you with it. But it means I have to go along." His mouth's hard now, jaw clenched and I wonder what the story is but I don't feel I can ask, he's so tense and his eyes are bleak.

The house is amazing, huge and white, set well back in the forest down a long winding drive. Alice is waiting on the porch and we go inside and I'm introduced to Esme, their mother. She's lovely too, and fair, so I wonder where the dark genes come from as Jessica mentioned their father the doctor's a blond as well.

I watch them with their mother, wondering about what Edward said about her being overprotective. Alice chats away, but Esme's focussed on Edward and I feel a little sad. It seems as though Alice is trying hard to get Esme's attention, and I wonder if that's one reason for her bright chattiness. Seeing her with Esme it seems a little forced and brittle.

It's even odder with Edward and his mother. She obviously dotes on him but she treats him like a kid. He's strange with her - affectionate but resigned and tense. He senses me watching and that seems to make him pull back and close off a little more.

Esme's polite to me but I can feel she's taken aback that Edward's brought someone home to share his music with. Surely he's done this sort of thing before - or does she chase the competition away? That's what it feels like - that I'm competing with her. Fucking weird.

Finally we get away and head upstairs. Alice's room is on the second floor and Edward leads me on to the next flight of stairs as his room's on the third floor. I almost trip on my bootlace which has of course come undone and tried to disable me and while I'm tying it I see through my hair Alice giving Edward the "I'm watching you" warning with the V-fingers to the eyes. He flips her the bird behind my back.

His room's huge and his collection's amazing. Of course he's got a top of the line sound system and he sits me in this big black sofa positioned very exactly between four huge speakers which are literally taller than I am, and plays me the Puccini aria, then some other favorite arias and duets.

He comes and sits beside me, telling me about the music and because it's the best place in the room to listen, and I'm hyper aware of him so close to me. Then he plays me the _Pie Jesu_ from Lloyd Webber's _Requiem_ and I'm all over gooseflesh, and shivers run down my spine and I can't help it, tears roll down my face it's so beautiful. It always has that effect on me, but he's startled and he thinks I'm upset about something. He pulls me to his chest to comfort me and I turn my face up to tell him I'm alright, it's just the music and suddenly he's kissing my tears and my eyelids and running his nose down my cheek and jaw and I turn my open mouth to him blindly and the kiss obliterates me.

He seems swept away as well and he's fallen back against the arm of the couch with me on top of him, twined with him as he moans into my mouth and his tongue invades me, both of us gasping and I'm whimpering as he takes a shuddering breath then attacks my neck, kissing and licking me in a frenzy as his arms go around me, pulling my hips hard against him. My pulse is hammering and I pray that he can stop because I know I can't and I'm afraid and excited and just lost in his mouth and his touch.

And he does stop after a while, holding me to his chest, breathing heavily and stroking my hair. Then he sits us up and kisses me more gently, nibbling my ear as he presses me back against the sofa arm this time. He slides down a little, licking and kissing down my neck and the hollow at the base of my throat, then he's nuzzling my breasts as he cradles them through my blouse, his fingers tracing tingling circles around the peaks. I want him to touch me so badly and I push him gently back and unbutton my blouse for him, letting it fall away. He looks up at me, his face so lovely and full of hunger, then he bends to kiss and lick my breasts and suck on my swollen nipples through the blue lace bra as I moan and writhe under him.

He groans and clings to me, his head on my breasts. "Dammit Bella, you'll be the death of me."

We lie like that for an age as I stroke his wild hair and smoothe the tension from his forehead.

And then I do up my clothes and go home and fuck myself stupid in my own small bed, feeling his hands and his mouth on me again all over and no clothing between us.

____________________________________

__

_Edward_

It's been a confusing week and I'm happy to get away to Seattle. I spent much of last night jacking off and lying awake thinking about Bella, baffled by why I stopped when I did and didn't even put my hand down her jeans or get a blow job out of it. Hell, I didn't even take her bra off. What am I, fourteen again? It's just so annoying and…unlike me. Maybe it was the music, but I've never fallen into a kiss like that and fucking lost it.

I shake my head and focus on the coming night's entertainment. Should be far more straight forward and I'll finally get laid, thank Christ. Women are too fucking complicated.

So now it's Saturday at sunset and I'm driving, relishing the speed and freedom as I take the longer route through Tacoma. I just want to drive, don't want to dick around with the ferry. I've got an EODM playlist blasting out through my iPod jacked into the Volvo's sound system to warm me up. Doesn't pay to listen to other bands beforehand then be disappointed with the actual concert.

I break out a fat spliff and suck in the harsh resinous smoke, sliding into the twilight zone as Seattle approaches. Time dilates and locating the concert and parking becomes both an epic adventure and an interesting philosophical concept in a multiverse of options. I just manage to stick to Plan A though. Fuck that weed was strong.

I don't want to be encumbered with crap at the concert so I lock my jacket inside the Volvo and go in wearing just my T-shirt. It's a favorite old Stones one with the classic red lips and tongue, and it falls a little short, up above my lowrider jeans. But it's humid tonight and I'll be in a crowd of people so I won't be cold.

I weave my way down towards the front, just at the back of the thickest crush by the stage where there's a little more room to move. How can you keep still to _Bad Dream Mama_?

It's a good concert - I'm still very buzzed from the joint and I get right into the familiar music, dancing on the spot, happy in my own little world within the crowd. There's not much room to move though and I get a bit carried away during _I Want You So Hard_ and lose my balance, falling back into the person behind me.

Because I'm ripped I think it's funny and then I feel hands on my waist. Large hands, steadying me firmly under my T-shirt. Large hot hands on my bare skin. Several things lurch through my stoned head.

_Big hands - a man's hands  
Feels nice, safe somehow  
He's tall…taller than me  
Smells good - leather and musky sweat and cigarettes  
Should I stop this, move away?  
I don't want to - I like being held by him… _

I'm turned on by the contact and the dope and I can't help but writhe a little in his hands.

He takes a small step forward while pulling me back and he's up against me, holding me to him from my butt to my shoulders. His legs are apart, enclosing mine. My head drops back against his shoulder and I breathe him in. His arms go around my waist, pulling me more firmly to him and I feel his hard cock press into my ass.

The crowd's close around us and it's dark and the music's crashing and everyone's moving. No-one's paying us any attention and I feel myself getting hard as this stranger holds me close. It's intimate and sensual and risky because he could be anyone and all I have to go on is the feel of his skin and his smell. But somehow that's enough.

I let myself go and relax fully against him and his right hand slips down in the darkness of the crowd and palms my cock, stroking it through my jeans as I turn my head and moan into his neck, humping myself on his hand. God, his hand's hot on me, I'm burning. And we're moving to the beat of the music, hips grinding and rolling together as he touches me, his other hand warm against my skin under the T-shirt, sliding across my belly. My feet are apart, my sneakers jammed inside his boots on either side with our legs pressing and sliding against each other as we thrust and writhe.

The band's loud as we move together and he reaches around further between my legs and cups my balls as well and it feels so good as I push my junk into his hand, my own hands coming up to cover both of his, holding them close against me.

He's taking my hands now in his, drawing them down to my sides then in behind my back so they're trapped between us at the base of my spine as though I was cuffed by the cops. He wraps his arms around and holds me there, putting his hands back where they were on my cock and my waist, clamping my hands and arms behind me. It forces me to arch back against him a little, head on his shoulder and my ass pressed hard into his erection as we gyrate to the beat.

I feel helpless and captive and incredibly turned on. My cock's swollen and sensitive under his hand as he strokes my shaft through the denim but the weed relaxes me so it's sensual and I don't come in his hand. I moan with pleasure, rubbing my cock against his hot fingers.

I've never been so aroused and I feel his excitement too, his breathing harsh in my ear as I press my ass back against his cock. I shift forward, sliding my hands down a little behind me and cup his hard cock through his leather pants and feeling the leather, knowing he's in leather, turns me on even more as I hold him, my hands trapped between us.

I swivel my head and try to kiss the skin of his neck where his head's fallen forward beside me. His scent's strong in my nose and I can barely reach him but I lick his neck. He shivers so I squeeze his cock and lick him again, tasting his skin all salt and smoke and musk. I feel his deep groan vibrate under my mouth and in his chest where it's pressed hard against my back. I can't see his face at all, it's above me and the black wing of his hair shields him.

I need to lick him all over, take his cock into my mouth and suck him. My throat aches for him as I imagine it and my head drops back on his shoulder again, my mouth falling open as I lick my lips and feel him caress me. I'm whimpering now and I need to make him come for me and I need him to make me come. And I know we will and I'm filled with electric longing.

We move to the music locked together, each holding the other.

I want to get him away from the crowd and fuck him 'til we're incoherent.

I want to be held like this forever.

 


	4. Get a Room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

**   
**

_Jake_

So I'm tooling along on Sophie my Harley, enjoying the ride, and it's not raining which is fucking ace. This neck of the woods ain't so great for bikers but fuck it, I'm tough, me and my leathers can take a little inclement weather. It's Saturday and I've got a ticket to EODM in Seattle and some cash in my pocket, and it's all good.

If I could just get laid it'd be totally excellent. I'm feeling horny and pent up cos Lou my regular fuckbuddy moved to Portland a couple of months ago. We weren't an item or anything, just friends who liked getting it on, but I miss her. Well, I especially miss bending her over Sophie in the woods and fucking her brains out, but she was fun, and into bikes as well.

It's not as though I'm picky. I just like fucking and I'll get it on with cute girls or boys if the mood takes me. But shit, La Push's so small and those Forks kids don't really mix with us down on the rez, and there's no place we can all meet up. So I'm hopeful for some action in the big city.

I get there a little early and text Red who owns Central Cycles where I bought my Harley. He's a good dude and he comes down from his apartment above the storefront and lets me in down the side alley to park Sophie in his yard. I don't trust these city types around my girl. I call her Sophie cos she's a Softail Harley, getting on a bit now but I keep her purring along. Red and I chew the fat about bikes for a while and he shows me some new models in the store.

I score a couple of E from him then I walk a few blocks to Neumos which is the venue, debating whether to take one now. In the end I don't as I'd rather not do E by myself and it's not the best for fucking (well maybe for fucking, but not for coming). Who knows, I might still get lucky.

The leathers get a bit sweaty after a while so I take the jacket off and sling it across my shoulder. It's cooler in my old black wifebeater and I get some fuck-me looks from chicks as I'm waiting to go in, and some fuck-off looks from their boyfriends.

Can I help it if I had a growth spurt the last two years? I'm six-four and built. Working part-time on the La Push fishing boats will get you some muscles, and me and Billy need the cash. Anyway, it makes it easy to get into concerts and clubs cos I look 20 at least. And I've got my cousin's ID. Hey, us boys from the rez all look alike, right?

So I get myself into the crowd, not too far up into the crush, and I'm getting into the music and EODM are cracking me up as usual. Those dudes are _still_ giving Guns 'n Roses shit every chance they get. I put the jacket on again cos it's a hassle carrying it and I want to move, and I look across to my left and the lights flicker across his face and I recognise someone from Forks in the crowd. Don't know his name but he's caught my eye before.

He's totally fuckable, but he's one of the rich white kids that mostly don't come out to La Push and I haven't seen him for a while. Talk is he's something of a whore, but who am I to judge and he sure is cute - especially tonight in an old Stones tee and ratty jeans, his hair all grunge as he bops away, having his own little party. I've drifted across through the crowd so I'm behind him now. Pity it's so dark and crowded cos I'd like to be able to see his hot ass bumping and grinding, right there in front of me.

Then he trips, and suddenly he's fallen back against me and I just grab him without thinking, around his waist which is bare and the moment my hands touch his skin I know I'm not gonna let go unless he makes me. Fuck, he feels good, and for a moment I'm not sure, then he kind of wriggles against me and I know we're on.

I pull him to me and I'm hard already as I wrap my arms around him. He's tall, but I'm taller and his skin's like warm silk, and I feel his lean muscles move under my hands as I slide them across his flat abs and the hollows by his hipbones. I feel the trail of hair running down from his navel and it makes me want to bite him and just fucking take him right there in the crowd. I have to distract myself so I turn my face into his messy hair where his head's fallen back on my shoulder and he smells of weed, bad boy, no wonder he's so into the music. I feel him relax in my arms and I just have to touch him, I want him so hard, just like the song the band are playing.

So I reach down in the dark and hold him and stroke his dick and he's hard too - _oh yes baby_. He gives this sexy moan and fuck, he feels so good. My fingers trace his long hard shaft through his jeans and I rub my thumb back and forth across the head where it's trying to pitch a tent through the denim. He's making these helpless little whimpers in my ear now and I feel like I'm gonna come just hearing the noises he's making. So fucking hot, and he puts his hands on mine and we're dancing together and the little tease is rubbing his tight ass against me and it's so fuckhot good I can hardly breathe.

He's got me so worked up, the way he's trusting me and letting me touch him, and on a sudden urge I grab his hands and pull them in behind him. I need to own him, to claim him and I sense he wants it too as I trap his hands and wrap my arms back around his long lean body and hold him like I'm never gonna let him go and stroke his junk again, making him press even harder back against me and whimper some more. Oh yes, he likes it. And in my head I promise him more of the same later on when I get him alone. _Baby, I'm gonna take you and make you beg and I'm gonna get you to make those sexy whimpers a whole lot more and I'm gonna make you come so hard, you hot sweet thing. _

Then he reaches down and oh shit, he's holding me through the leather, and he licks my neck and squeezes my dick and I'm the one groaning now and I'm so close to coming as I hold him and smell his hair and dance with him like we're one hot wanting thing, all twined up together.

____________________________

__

_Edward_

I never want him to let me go, but of course the concert ends and he unwraps his arms and just holds my waist again. And I feel bereft, and then I feel nervous and excited because now I get to see him. So I turn around in his hands and look up at him. He's fucking huge - tall and broad shouldered and so damn macho in the boots and bike leathers and a black wifebeater. He looks like he's from La Push or one of the other reservations, with red-brown skin and long black hair falling straight to his shoulders. His head's tilted back a little and his dark eyes are half-closed and he's smiling and looking at me like he could just eat me up, and fuck yes, I want him to.

He grabs my hand and pulls me through the crowd as people spill out of the entrance into the cool, humid Seattle night. He starts off down the street, but my car's the other way so I pull on his hand and jerk my head and say "car" and he nods and drops my hand and follows me. I wish he hadn't let go of my hand, I liked it, but then as we turn down the smaller side-street where I left the car he comes up beside me and puts his arm round my shoulders and pulls me to him. I've never let anyone touch me in public like this, but he's natural and easy about it so I put my arm around his waist. Then his hand drops to my ass and he squeezes me and OK, that's hot, and I look up at him and flirt a bit with the eyelashes and he grins and squeezes me again.

"Keep that up, and we won't even make it to the car" I say, smirking up at him.

And suddenly he's got me and he's walking me back 'til I'm pressed against the brick wall of an old building we're passing in the shadow of some steps and his hands are in my hair and he's crushing me to the wall, pressing himself hard against me, and his mouth's all over mine and fuck yes he's kissing me hard. I grab his ass and moan into his mouth and it's all hot and wet and tongues as I suck his kiss. I buck my hips into him because I have to, I'm burning and I need him and he growls low in his chest and I almost fucking come on the spot.

His hand goes down and he grabs my junk again, and I don't give a shit where we are, not that there's anyone around to see on this dark, quiet street, and I moan as he undoes my jeans and takes out my cock, sliding his thumb across the head where it's slick with pre-come. My eyes roll back, and I shudder.

"Oh fuck…aaaah…fuuuck…" I'm not making sense any more as I writhe under his touch and he bites my neck, making me grunt helplessly and pump myself into his hand.

"Want you…gonna have you…" he whispers in my ear as he works my cock, which is so hot and swollen now after he's been touching me all night it feels like it might glow in the dark. And I can't take it any more and I can't stop and I want it I want it I fucking want it.

"Going…to…come…" I gasp. Oh fuck, here on the street in his hand, but I can't help it.

"Yes, baby, yes…" He spins me around to face the wall and does the captive thing to me again, pinning my hands behind me and wrapping his arms around so I can't move as I arch back against him, my cock jutting out in front. He pushes his hand down into my open jeans, squeezing my balls and then gripping my shaft as he pumps me with fast, hard strokes and his thumb rubs across the head and he bites the back of my neck and growls again and my legs are shaking and giving way but he holds me up with his left arm.

"Oh…please…oh…fuck…ohhhh…fuuuuck…unnnnnghhhhhhhh!"

And I just fucking lose it as I come in his hand in the shadow of the steps. I'm making noises like an animal, but I don't care.

We stay like that for a minute, locked together in the damp dark of a Seattle night, panting, his strong arms around me because I seem to have temporarily lost the use of my legs. Then when I've recovered and can stand and fasten my jeans, he puts his head down into the crook of my neck and kisses me, hugging me close. He's so big and his skin's so warm and God, it feels good.

He goes to wipe his hand on my Stones T-shirt but I'm not having that, it's fucking vintage, so I lick the last of my come off his hand and he groans as I swirl my tongue around his palm and suck his fingers into my mouth.

____________________________

I take his belt buckle and pull him to the car, only a few meters away. As I'm unlocking it I hear a snort behind me.

"A Volvo huh? Very sexmobile."

I turn round, annoyed by the fucking Volvo getting dissed yet again, pissed with Esme and myself, but I can't stay mad when I see him grinning. Somehow there's no malice in him so I grin too and reach out and grab his jacket lapels in both hands and wheel him around, slamming him up against the car and kissing him fast and hard, closed mouth.

He tries to deepen the kiss but I push him back at arm's length, leaning over with my arms on the car roof on either side of him and half-closing my eyes as I do the crooked smile and whisper huskily.

"Collision warning. Roll-over protection. Blind spot integration. Whiplash protection. Safety cage. Crumple zones. Dynamic…stability assistance. Electronic…traction control."

There's an edge to his grin now, and his eyes are hot. "You are _so_ gonna need all that protection when I get my hands on you again. Fuck the traction control."

"Promises, promises." And he's pulling me hard against him and tongue-fucking my mouth until I pull away, gasping. "We're never going to get into the goddam car at this rate. We need to get a room, unless you've got a place here."

"No, I'm from La Push. Yeah, we _so_ need to get a room. I want you in a bed, hot thing."

I grin. Hot thing indeed. "That'd be Edward Hot Thing to you."

"And I'm Jake."

"Yes, you most certainly are."

____________________________

I take Jake to the motel I use instead of the fictional Greg, when I'm staying over. It's nice enough, not sleazy, and the rooms have mini-bars.

We kick shoes and boots off at the door and take turns to piss, awkward at first in the bright room lights, almost shy. I turn them off, just leaving the bathroom light on, the door half-closed.

I push his jacket back off his shoulders and he shrugs out of it, then I lift his wifebeater and pull it up over his head. He's wearing a large tooth set in silver on a chain around his neck. His chest's so broad and the muscles are hard. His skin's a smooth red-brown everywhere, no hair, and his nipples are dark brown. I lean in and suck on them, running my hands over his chest, feeling like a kid in a candy store. Fucking beautiful.

Jake shudders and lifts up my T-shirt so I pull it off and fling it aside. He takes my head in his hands and draws me to him, tilting his face, and the kiss is soft and hungry, his long hair brushing my neck like black silk. Then I'm in his arms skin on skin and he's thrusting his hips into me, gripping my ass and one hand in my hair, his mouth hot and urgent.

I push him away a little and undo his belt and pants, pushing them down some. His cock emerges, standing out proud and I can't help but lick my lips, it's impressive. He wriggles out of the leather and kicks the pants away...and he's gone commando, of course.

"Snap," I say, sliding my jeans off, and we're both naked now, just gazing at each other, breathing hard.

I run my index finger down between his pecs and between his six-pack abs to his navel, then down his happy trail and I take his cock like a handle and walk him back to the bed behind him. I push him down onto the covers and kneel between his legs, stroking his thighs. He raises up on his elbows and watches me through half-closed eyes.

I blow hot air on his balls, then I take them gently into my mouth. I wrap one hand round the base of his long, thick cock, and run my tongue slowly up the underside then take the swollen head into my mouth, tasting his pre-come and tongueing the slit a little. He whimpers and his head goes back, eyes closing.

It's not fair to tease him for long though, he's held out for hours now so I suck him into my mouth, relaxing my throat but I still can't quite get all of him in, he's so big. I watch his face get dazed and hot as he falls back onto the bed moaning, hands fisting the covers.

I suck him in and out, getting a good rhythm going as he arches his hips and thrusts up into my mouth. Gripping his hip with my other hand, I steady him as I increase my pace, sucking harder as he groans and starts to thrust, jerky and erratic. His legs are sprawled and trembling, toes curling as he cries out and stiffens. I take him all in, and he tastes like the sea, but sweeter.

____________________________

Afterwards he pulls me up and curls himself around my back, holding me against him, his face nuzzling my hair.

"Got any more of that weed I can smell on you?"

I roll to face him, smirking. "It's in my hair? Damn, that's what you get for smoking in the car."

"Defiling the Volvo, huh? I'd have thought for sure they'd have some fucking built-in alarm to stop that sort of shit going down."

So we laze about on the bed sharing a joint, then I want a drink so Jake gets up to find us some mini JDs and I see the rest of him in the light from the bathroom. There's an amazing tattoo of a wolf's head that covers almost his entire back.

I get up and stand behind him, stroking my fingers along the lines of ink in stoned appreciation. "Wow. That's some tatt you've got there."

He arches his back as I hold his hips and lean down, licking along the wolf's tongue on his lower spine.

"Yeah." His voice is hoarse. "The wolf's my totem. This is a wolf tooth." On the silver chain.

He moves away, leaning back against the wall by the bed, cock coming to attention again. He flips me a JD and I stand in the middle of the room, letting him look at me.

I'm hard for him again as I put my head back and chug the JD, then drop the bottle, wiping my mouth as I prowl across to him and take his big cock in my hand, loving the hot, silky feel as I stroke him.

"Hmmmm. I wonder what my totem would be?" I'm taken with the idea of having a totem animal.

"Mountain Lion" whispers Jake hoarsely, pulling me up against him and kissing my neck, our cocks pressing against each other. "You move like a big cat."

So I purr and smooch him, rubbing myself against him all silky and stoned til he growls and drags me to the bed. Fuck I love to make him growl, my wolf.

He presses me down and pins me to the covers, whispering in my ear as he runs his nose down my jaw and licks my neck. "But a wolf can take down a pussy-cat any time he wants…"

The dope and the JD are really kicking in now and everything gets slick and sensual and a little blurry. It's all hot skin sliding and clever fingers and tongues and moaning and holding down and being held down. And Jake behind me on the bed, filling me completely, our bodies moving together slow and soft, then hard and urgent as he strokes my cock, making me his as I whimper his name, and come for him again, and again.

And finally, sleep, tangled together exhausted in the ruins of the bed.

 


	5. Well Hello

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

**   
**

_Edward_

_I'm running through the forest, crashing through ferns and rotting mossy branches but the wolf's right behind me and I hear him howl. Shivers run down my spine and I'm sobbing and my legs ache. I know he's going to catch me and I'm so afraid and I'm tripping and falling forward into the wet black earth, falling forward, falling… _

"Aaaaaargh!!!" I scream, eye to eye with the wolf from my dream, filled with dream-terror, thrashing in the tangled sheets, panicking and pushing myself away.

"What the fuck?!" Jake's jolted out of sleep and he's twisted round and is on me, pinning my flailing confused arms, peering at me wide-eyed. "Edward? You OK? What is it?"

"Oh Christ…Jake. I had a nightmare, and then I…I woke up looking at your back - the wolf tattoo - I was dreaming of a wolf…oh Jesus…" I'm still trembling a little. "I'm alright now man, let me go."

He stops restraining me and pulls me to his chest, stroking my back and massaging the nape of my neck. My heart's still racing and it feels good, comforting as my arms go around him. It feels strange as well. I've never been held like this by a man before - well, by anyone really. Usually it's fuck 'em and leave 'em, but this whole thing with Jake's been…different. More intense, closer. Not just a casual screw.

_And_ _that'll be why you're having nightmares_ I think bleakly. I blink my eyes, bleary in the morning light diffusing through the motel room's cheap curtains.

"Am I the big bad wolf then?" Jake's tilted my face up and he's looking at me, half-smiling but there's caution in his eyes. Yeah, it was a weird reaction.

"Maybe it was just the tatt. Not the easiest sight to wake up to an inch from your nose." I try to pass it off.

"Maybe. I should be the big spoon I guess if you're going to be a scaredy-cat."

He leans down and kisses me softly, still kneading the nape of my neck with his strong fingers. I feel myself melting, even as a small part of me notes the promise of more mornings waking up together. The assumption. It feels odd - good, but yes, I'm scared too and part of me's going _whoa! what's happening here? _I don't do morning afters, I've got no script for this and I feel unsure, confused.

"Jake? I…this is kind of new for me."

"What? Being with a guy?"

"No. This whole waking up with someone thing. It's usually just a quick blow job in someone's car or a screw at their pad, then I'm out of there. No muss no fuss. I never even brought a guy to this place before."

"Wham bam thank you man huh? So are you freaking out? Are you gonna run away if I say I want to see you again?" He's whispering as he kisses below my ear and I can't help but arch my neck and offer myself to him as his tongue explores my collar bone and the base of my throat. A small whimper escapes me and I'm losing track of anything but the feel of his mouth on me, his hand sliding up my neck and into my hair.

"God those noises you make drive me wild." Jake groans and rolls me onto my back and our cocks are morning wood hard as he presses me down and kisses me hot and heavy. I grab his ass and grind against him and nothing else matters as we fall into each other again, sweaty and slick and no more deep thoughts, no past or future.

"No I'm not" I say afterwards, in the shower. He's got a mouthful of foam at the washbasin and he eyes me in the mirror, puzzled. "No I'm not going to run off" I clarify, answering his question.

Jake spits out the foam and rinses his mouth then steps into the shower with me, grinning and wet as he gives me a bone-cracking hug. "Awesome, Eds!"

"Jesus Jake you're crushing me! And its Edward, not Eds or Eddie or whatever!" But I'm laughing - he's just so easy to be around, there's no bullshit.

He slaps my ass and lets me go. "You're from Forks, right?"

I raise an eyebrow. Had we met?

"Seen you around - I'm from La Push, remember? We're practially neighbours. Neighbours with benefits." He grins and lathers his hands up with soap, running them down me.

"Jesus Jake, not again…oh fuck…oh Jake…"

________________________________________________

 

Eventually we hit a nearby diner for breakfast. I have ham and eggs and Jake demolishes a towering stack of pancakes with bacon and maple syrup.

Chatting as we eat, curious about each other. He goes to school on the rez which is why I don't know him. We're both juniors, which surprises me - he looks older, in fact I'd assumed he'd graduated already. He lives with his father Billy who's wheelchair-bound due to diabetes. I give him a bare outline about my own family, leaving out all the real stuff. We punch numbers into each other's phones.

Jake sighs, stretching as best he can in the narrow bench seat. "I better go get Sophie."

Sophie? What shit is this?

"Relax, Sophie's my Harley, I left her with a friend a few blocks from Neumos. Can you drop me? I gotta get back to Billy and take him out to a barbecue later on."

I try to nod casually and make myself relax, feeling stupid. Fuck that was weird, I'll be growing tits next. Definite surge of jealousy there. _My_ Jake, _my_ wolf. Not sharing. _Mine_. I mentally slap myself, trying to throw off the strange possessiveness. Fucking get a grip Edward, you only just met him, you don't _do_ permanent, he's just a fuckbuddy, chill.

Not to mention the logistics of it all which are preoccupying me as he directs me to the bike store. Neither of us have our own place and I don't think Esme and the doc are ready for me to start bringing guys home, Esme was pissy enough even with Bella. Not that I can't have friends, Jazz comes and goes like another Cullen kid, but I think Jake in full bike leathers would seriously mess with their heads. And I know Carlisle's got a racist streak from remarks he's dropped. All of which is an excellent reason to saunter in with Jake and flaunt him, but that's not likely to guarantee privacy and somehow I don't want to use Jake as a pawn in my games with Esme and Carlisle.

There's always the Volvo but I want more than a quick blow job, I want to wake up with him again. And Jake's huge - I'm not sure he'd even fit in the back seat. Shit.

I'm still brooding about it when we pull up at Central Cycles. Jake leans over and kisses me on the mouth, flicking his tongue quickly across my lips like a promise. "I'll call you, Eds. Or you call me. See you soon man." He punches my shoulder and he's gone, into a side-alley before I can tell him it's Edward not Eds.

So I head back to Forks. The way seems longer as I drive away from Jake and I look out for him on the road behind me but no Harley thunders into view. I'm hanging out for him and I fucking hate how it feels. I _so_ don't do this, the mooning, the waiting, the fretting.

Oh crap, just call me Edwina. This shit sucks.

__________________________________________________

 

_Jake_

I've got enough time to get back to Billy before the barbecue but I decide to take the Bainbridge ferry to make sure. It's faster and I know I can make the next departure time OK. I call Billy to tell him when I'll get home.

Wind in my face, blowing my hair back, feels real good. Thinking about last night and this morning, semi-hard inside my leathers remembering Edward's mouth on me, holding him in the concert, making him come. I hear him whimper again and I moan into the wind. Fuck he turns me on, I've never felt like this before about anyone. He's so damn cute - well he's beautiful really, even if it's a chick kind of thought.

He makes me want to hold him and protect him, and to fuck his brains out at the same time. I grin and the wind's cold on my teeth as I peel out of a curve, high on riding and on Edward. Fuck me, I think I'm in love.

I know he's messed up, like when he woke up screaming. Nightmare about a wolf, don't need to be Freud to figure that shit out. There's something dark in him and he's scared of getting close. Maybe he'll tell me one day if I can get him to trust me. I never cared enough before to be patient, but I want him. I'm gonna have to be careful though or I'll scare him off. Yeah right, me take it slow, like that'll work.

Fuck it, enough with the thinking, just lean into it and let the momentum take me.

__________________________________________________

 

__

Quil hands me my third hot dog just as the cruiser pulls in.

"Charlie!" Billy calls, happy to see the Chief. They're buddies from way back.

"Who's the girl?" I whisper to him, as she gets out of the car, but inside I know and I feel something stir. She's slender with lots of dark hair. Jeans and old brown leather boots and one of Charlie's plaid jackets against the cold breeze from the sea.

"That's Bella, Charlie's daughter - you remember her." Billy says. "She moved back here to live with him again."

Then they're right here by the bonfire, warming their hands, and we're all saying hi.

"You remember Jacob, Bella?" Charlie says, and she blushes and shuffles her boots on the stones.

"Hi Jake, nice to see you again." Her voice is soft and she looks quickly up at me then back at the fire.

Fuck me but she's all grown up and she's got legs up to here and the fire flickers on her sweet pale face and I can't help but stare longingly at her like a goddam puppy-dog. Billy shoots me an amused glance and I remember to shut my mouth which is hanging open.

I've gone all tongue-tied remembering the last time I saw her, so all I can do is stammer "Um, yeah. Uh hi Bella," awkward and thirteen again.

That's when we last met, when I was thirteen and she was fourteen. Well I was thirteen-and-a-quarter, she's not really older, not by much. And I'm a lot bigger now, that must count for something. Fucked if I know why I'm even bothered about that, but it was what she said when I saw her last.

"You're just a kid Jake," that's what she said.

We were walking on the beach, down the far end past the washed up tree. Charlie and Billy were off on another fishing trip and we were killing time. Bella used to come to Forks for holidays each year and we spent time together whenever she did.

I had a massive crush on her and I'd finally asked her to go to a movie with me. She was nice about it I guess but she said she didn't date and then she said anyway I was a bit young for her. And then I got pissy and argued the toss, so she hit me with the "kid" remark.

I was bigger than her back then as well, and I wasn't having that so I grabbed her and kissed her. It was the first time I'd ever kissed a girl and I sucked at it. Shit, I didn't even get it right enough to _do_ any sucking. I grabbed her hair too tight so it hurt her and half missed her mouth and I tried to stick my tongue in but just smeared her cheek as she twisted away from me then turned back and let me have it, slapping me with both her hands until I caught them in mine and said I was sorry a million times.

She calmed down finally but that was the last I saw of her; she never came back on holiday again. I felt like crap about it for months.

So, awkward.

Especially as she's making me remember why I crushed on her, but she's heaps more beautiful now and I'm finding it hard to breathe. Fuck what is _wrong_ with me, is it hormones? Suddenly I want to get it on with everyone I meet. Well, Edward and Bella, anyway, they'll do for now.

I head over to a big driftwood log a little back from the fire closer to the cliff, and prop myself there, pulling my thick jacket around me and zipping it up, covering the boner that's helpfully cropped up at that interesting thought. Edward and Bella, oh fuck, am I a complete perv? I crush the thoughts down, shutting my eyes and shivering as I try to shift my mind onto safer topics. Shutting my eyes isn't helping, I get images of Bella in that motel bed between me and Edward. _Jesus._

"Are you cold Jacob? You're shivering."

_Shit._ She's wandered over, eating a hot dog. She props herself beside me on the log and takes another bite. I'm finding it quite disturbing watching the hot dog slide into her mouth, especially when she bites chunks off. Her lips are plump and a little greasy from the food. I swallow when she does and the boner isn't going anywhere, dammit.

My voice comes out low and rough. "Bella…um…hi, I…just a little chilly but at least it's not raining I guess…" Fuck. Drivelling on about the weather. What a complete tool.

"Yeah, I'm having to get used to the rain again. And the clouds." She sighs, glum.

"Bit different from Phoenix I guess." I try to sound sympathetic. Lift your fucking game Jake. "So Billy said you'd moved here now?"

"Yep. I'm at Forks High. You still at the rez school?"

"Yeah. I'm a junior now."

"Me too. We finally caught up with each other then…"

I can't resist it, smirking sideways at her. "Yeah. I'm not a kid anymore." Fuckfuckfuck, shouldn't have reminded her.

But she grins, looking rueful. "Yeah, sorry about that, not the cleverest thing I ever said. And I'm sorry I slapped you upside the head Jake, I got a bit carried away."

"Hell Bells, it was me that got carried away as I recall it. I was a dick. I'm sorry, I felt bad for ages."

"Ah, it was nothing, really. I'd forgotten all about it til just now."

"So it wasn't, you didn't…I mean, it's just that you never came back again after that…"

"Oh hell Jake, no that wasn't anything to do with you. I just, I got stroppy with Charlie and insisted on holidays with him in San Francisco not Forks. I do find the rain and gray skies hard to take here…"

"So why come back?" It didn't make sense.

She pauses and I sense her tensing up. "Oh, things got…difficult…in Phoenix. Some shit happened. I don't really want to talk about it but it seemed better to be here for a while. And Phil - my stepfather - he had to travel and Renee needed to go along."

Her face is closed, and she stares at her boots, kicking a hole in the stones. She's got her arms wrapped round her chest as though she's holding herself together. Something bad happened, but I leave it.

"I'm glad you're back, Bells" I say, soft, not looking at her, kicking the stones myself. "I missed those times with you here."

She loosens up a bit and smiles at me. "It's really nice to see you again Jake. I know hardly anyone here. Well, no-one really except a few people I met at school last week."

"We should do something. What about next Saturday? Do you like bikes? Come for a ride with me on my Harley."

She thinks about that for a while, and I'm going _please say yes, please say yes. _I smile at her, trying to be winning but probably just looking goofy. Finally she grins back.

"OK, sounds like fun. Uh, Charlie's a bit anti-bike so why don't I meet you at your place and we'll take it from there."

"Awesome. Come about eleven and I'll treat you to lunch - a picnic if the weather's not too bad."

"Yeah, right." But she grins and bites her pouty lower lip _oh man,_ _boner again_ and we're on.

Fucking outrageous. I have a date with Bella and I'm all happy inside.

Hmmm. And with Edward, or at least I plan to see him again next weekend.

Complicated. Ah shit, I'll work it out. Go with the flow.

__________________________________________________

 

__

_B_ _ella_

It's Saturday and I get up late then occupy myself ploughing through homework assignments to keep from thinking about Friday with Edward Cullen.

I can't figure him out. First he seems just like that Stanley bitch said, hitting on me in Biology all suave and full of himself. Then he goes quiet and ignores me, then suddenly he's Mister Nice Guy and wanting to be friends. Who is he? Does _he_ even have a clue?

And why did he just kiss me and not take it further? Well, and kiss my breasts too but I kind of shoved my tits in his face I have to be honest. Gah, embarrassed to remember that, not that he minded. Fuck he turns me on, I just lost it when he kissed me.

It's the way I'm obsessing over him, that's the main worry. OK, he's gorgeous and every time I think about his half-smile and those green eyes I just about come on the spot…well, I guess that's enough of a reason to obsess, come to think of it.

Shitshitshit, this is _so_ not good. It's not safe to feel like this about him - him of all people. Why can't I crush on someone nice and safe and ordinary for fuck's sake? But I've never done ordinary, I seem to be a bastard-magnet.

Do I _want_ them to treat me badly? Maybe I expect it. Whatever. My brain hurts and I don't want to think about it any more so I go downstairs and make a batch of muffins to take to the barbecue at La Push. Charlie insists I tag along and I wasn't mad keen before but now I welcome the distraction.

We get there at sunset and there's a bonfire on the beach with people standing around. At least I know Billy and Jacob's there as well. We're a bit shy at first - it's about four years since I last saw him and we didn't part on great terms after he tried to kiss me and I wasn't having any of it.

I eye him sidelong after we say hi. Jesus he's grown, he's well over six foot now and built with it. Can't imagine he works out, there are no gyms around here - maybe he works or does some kind of sport - like football or something?

He's pretty hot these days I realise with a shock, used to him just being good old Jake who I spent the holidays with while Charlie and Billy went fishing. His skin's a lovely red-brown and his hair's long and shiny black, and his face is strong now with cheekbones to die for, not rounded like a kid's. He's sure as shit no kid now.

I get some food then see he's wandered off to sit so I mosey on over to catch up with him. He's all hunched over in a bulky jacket and he seems a bit startled to see me, but we soon slip into chatting again, like old times.

Turns out he's been bothered about that tiff we had when he tried the abortive kiss years ago. I'd forgotten all about it in fact, we were both kids and I was being snotty to him as I recall. Water under the bridge and he looks relieved.

I'm remembering how easy he is to be with. He's so open - what you see is what you get with Jake and it's just really nice to hang out with him.

So when he asks me to go biking with him next weekend I think about it a bit but of course I say yes. What Charlie doesn't know won't hurt him; he's a bit unreasonable about bikes in my opinion.

I know that Jake's interested in me in more than just a friendly way. Well, snap, he certainly turned into a hottie so I can't deny I'd like to see more of him. Mmmhmm, more of that red-brown skin and the muscles I imagine from his broad shoulders and long, strong legs. The leather biker pants and boots are definitely featuring in my little fantasy as I perch beside him on an old driftwood log. Jesus Bella, calm down. Am I on heat or something?

But I'm thinking that Jake may be just what I need to counteract the Edward obsession. I'll use Jake to defuse the whole Edward thing, to distract me from Edward.

And Jake's not a bastard which is a refreshing change. Gillian would be proud of me.

 


	6. Breaking Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)  
> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.

_   
_

_Edward_

Monday. I wake up too early to get up for school and I'm lying in bed, arms behind my head, thinking. How did my life get so fucking complicated?

Used to be just classes that I ace without much real work, and managing Carlisle which is a cakewalk. Managing Esme's harder as I care about hurting her, but still, I've had years of practice at that shit. Alice and I are friends most of the time, and Emmett and I have gone our own separate ways since…but I won't go there, won't think about that.

And then there's lovely old Jazz, but he's Alice's now and he never was truly mine. And really no other entanglements - the rest were all casual fucks with no baggage, not for me anyway. And that's supposed to be me, Edward fucking Cullen, arrogant bastard and proud of it.

But something's shifted and it's doing my head in. First it's Bella who I'm still obsessed with, even after the thing with Jake this weekend. Which I'll come back to.

Bella Bella Bella. I say her name out loud and feel my cock twitch. God I want her, but I feel so torn. I feel - what the fuck _do_ I feel? Shit it's confusing.

I think I feel I have to protect her from myself. From the user in me, the taker. That plan I had just to fuck her and forget her, I don't think that's going to work any more. I think if I do fuck her, I'll want to fuck her again and again, to crawl inside her and live there forever. And really, I don't want to fuck her - well I do, but I want to…_shit_…to make _love_ to her. Even thinking about it makes me so restless I can't stay in bed, so I get up and pace about, kicking crumpled jeans and shirts angrily aside.

I stand at the French doors that open onto my third-floor balcony up in the tree-tops, staring out with my head pressed to the cold glass, not seeing anything but the images whirling in my head. Bella's face blushing, her breasts in that blue lace bra, Jake's muscles etched and gleaming as he leans down and kisses me.

Jake as well - Jesus what's wrong with me? Even a simple Seattle hook-up turns into a fucking gay melodrama. Well, not that Jake's into the drama, that's why he's so easy to be with. I'm the one going all daytime soap for him. Dreaming about what we did, longing to be with him again. It's more than the sex. I want him to hold me and make me feel safe again. Want him to put his arms round me and kiss my hair.

An edge of panic clenches my stomach and I turn away from the forest and rub my fists into my eyes, groaning, leaning back against the glass. Fuck, I can't do this. I can't feel this stuff now, after all these years burying myself under layers of ice. Fucking crevasses are opening up. And what, am I going to fall into my own sick shit and drown or is the kryptonite going to beam out from inside me and poison everyone around? Most likely both.

Fucking emo shit. I'm scared and I need them and it hurts. And I don't have a choice, I just _have_ to see Bella and Jake again. The longing to be with each of them's a hunger I can't fight. But I don't know if I can survive this and I'm terrified I'll take them down with me. They don't deserve to get sucked into my crap, and once they realise who I am really, what I am, what I've done…well, that'll be that. Finito.

I've slid down to the floor now, curled up with my face on my knees and my arms tight over my head, hands clutching my messed-up hair. I'm selfish enough that I almost don't care. I need them too much so I'll paper over the cracks and pull myself out of this funk and I'll hunt them down. I'll feed off Bella's sweetness and Jake's strength until they drive me away. Because I'm no fucking good and I just…I just want them.

And what Edward wants, Edward gets. Even if it all crashes and burns.

I pull myself together in a hot shower and dress in my black jeans and chucks with a flannel shirt and my A&amp;F down jacket as it's cold and misty out there.

Plan for the day: Operation woo Bella.

________________________________

_Bella_

Oh for fuck's sake, this truck is a shitheap. I'm in the parking lot but I'm stuck half in and half out of it on my stomach with my bag strap caught on the stick shift as my feet flail around trying to locate the ground. I curse furiously as I try to slide backwards out the door, wrenching at the damn bag.

Not helping to hear barely suppressed snorts of laughter right behind me and I'm so ready to punch out the fucktard who's ogling my wriggling butt, probably Newton or that Tyler asshole, another one who tried to hit on me last week. Then hands are around my waist and a shiver goes through me because I can smell that it's Edward.

He moves right up behind me, pressing me against the truck seat to hold me in place as he reaches past and effortlessly untangles the bag. Then his hand's brushing my hair back so that he can kiss and lick my neck just below my left ear while he's got me pinned, and my body liquefies. He nuzzles me again in that special spot and turns me into a basket-case, twitching helplessly against him.

"Morning Bella. Let me help you down."

His voice is dark velvet and his lips vibrating on my skin just under my ear send me into another spasm and I can't help it, I whimper.

"I think I love your truck," he whispers into my hair, a smile in his voice. "Such entertainment every morning."

Both his hands are back on my waist now and finally he lifts me down, keeping me pressed back against him so I slide down his body. He inhales sharply as my ass presses past his groin, and turns me to face him as I reach the ground.

"Entertainment, huh?" I try to glare at him as I slam the door.

I should be mad but I'm too damn turned on to do anything except grab his stupid jacket collar and pull his face down as I try to suck his lips off. One of his hands threads into my hair, caressing me, and he leans into the kiss and slips his tongue into my mouth, rolling it softly around mine as my head falls back. Oh crap, he makes me so boneless and dazed, how does he _do_ that?

Alice coughs to warn us of an approaching teacher-hazard so he lets me go reluctantly to avoid a PDA. I fuss with my bag and try to collect myself, and Edward just stands there smirking.

"May I carry your books?"

Good question. I'm kind of pleased but I'm not sure I can cope with the claim he seems to be staking.

"Depends why you want to, Edward. We might need to actually talk about that don't you think, rather than just communicating through groping and tonsil hockey?"

"Let me carry them on probation until we can talk at lunchtime." He's smiling at me and he seems to mean it, I don't think he's fucking with me. That voice and the crooked smile and those green eyes, damn he's lethal.

He can see I've capitulated so he takes the bag from my limp grasp and slings it across his shoulder then grasps my hand in his as we walk inside. Oooo-kay then, we're holding hands too are we? Apparently we are, and his large hand's warm and firm around mine as we walk to my first class, Edward smirking and me probably looking like a stunned mullet.

Lethal. Even being near him lowers my IQ by about 50 points. Thank Christ I've got plans with Jake this weekend, this shit with Edward is scarily addictive.

________________________________

Alice is intrigued and not a little worried. She passes me notes through English, interrogating me about what's going on with Edward and warning me to be careful. We can't talk between periods as Edward's outside the door each time, waiting to walk me to my next class. He seems to have my schedule down pat - probably has the office staff wrapped around his pinky. Each time he takes my books and we don't talk, we just hold hands and it's actually quite nice, sort of peaceful.

In the lunchroom we join the queue and he tries to pay for my food, but I draw the line there. I take my tray and head towards the usual Cullen table where Alice and Jasper are seated, but Edward steers me off at a tangent to sit by ourselves.

Well, true, we do need to talk.

"So what gives with the books and the hand holding then, Cullen?"

"I like you, Swan. Can't you tell?"

He takes my hand and turns it over and he's drawing soft circles in the palm with his long index finger. My breathing hikes up a notch. Damn his touchy-feely hypnotism. I pull my hand back before I turn to mush again.

"Aren't you rushing things just a bit? We only met a week ago." I try to avoid eye contact, pretending to read the nutritional data on my tub of strawberry yogurt instead.

"I'm decisive. When I see something I want I don't fuck about."

"Right - and I'm a _thing_ that you want." My voice is bitter and my hands clench around the stupid plastic tub as I stare fiercely at it. Back to Day 1 in Biology - _and I want you_. Bastard.

He tenses up, realising he's blown it. "That wasn't well phrased, I'm sorry. Bella - Bella?"

He's trying to catch my eye and he reaches across and tips my chin up as I twist away, looking off to the left out the window.

"Bella, I just…I really do like you…please, Bella…"

His voice is uncharacteristically hesitant and his hand moves from underneath my chin, stroking up the side of my face as he gently turns me back to look at him again. His eyes are so green, with gold flecks, and he's got that vulnerable look again. I'm thinking: is this just another layer, another ploy he uses to suck girls in? _I'm wounded, look after me._ He's a fucking master player if it is.

I can't kick him when he looks at me like that, it'd be like drowning a kitten. Damn but he's dangerous. I take his hand and gently remove it from my face, putting it down on the table. He slides his fingers through mine immediately.

"I don't trust you." More honest than I'd meant to be, but it's true.

"No, I can see that you wouldn't, my reputation having preceded me." He looks down and sighs and rubs his thumb across my hand where he's holding it. Then he looks up again, frowning. "It's mostly true, I've fucked around a lot. No-one's ever held my attention before. Before you. I'm not proud of it, but I won't pretend it didn't happen."

"But why me, Edward, I'm just ordinary and you barely know me?" That's the key issue of course. He must be bullshitting me, must be playing me, it makes no sense otherwise.

"Ordinary? I've never met a girl _less_ ordinary. From that first time in Biology, even from the first time I saw you here at lunch, you pulled me in and I haven't been able to think of anything else. Your smell, your face, the soft feel of your hair, the way your mind works. Fuck…" He swallows and looks down at the table momentarily and a raging blush floods me as I writhe in my seat, embarrassed.

"God Bella, when you blush like that…" He's looking at me hungrily through half-closed eyes.

Oh Christ he's hot with that heavy-lidded stare, I feel myself clenching involuntarily. Sweet fuck, and now I'm getting wet and we're both breathing heavily.

"You have no idea how you affect me, Bella, I've never felt like this before, never…"

I want to whimper and drag him outside and kiss him and…_shit_. I rip the top off the yoghurt and take a spoonful to distract myself. Probably a bad move - he watches me slide the spoon into my mouth and I see his nostrils dilate as he inhales and his eyes go a darker green.

Something wild takes me so I do it again, but deliberately this time, sliding the soft creamy mouthful slowly into my mouth and sucking it off lasciviously, turning the spoon upside down as I drag it back then pull it out with a pop, my mouth all pouty. Then I lick my lips, rolling my tongue around in a full circle and resting it behind my upper teeth, my head back and mouth open as I stare at him under my lashes.

And he groans. He groans in the middle of the lunchroom, staring at me like a wild animal with wide eyes and flaring nostrils and I get up and grab my bag and almost run for the door. Fucked if I know where I'm going but I'm so turned on and freaked out and I just have to get out of there.

The blood's pounding in my ears and I make it some way down the corridor before I manage to trip over my feet and he's right behind me, one arm around my waist as he catches me and pulls me sideways, opening a door and dragging me in. It's dark and smells of bleach and dust.

"Fuck Edward, not the goddam janitor's cupboard? How clichéd is… "

"Don't fucking care and I can't wait, Bella, I can't..."

He's got me up against the wall, in among hanging overalls that smell of floor polish and he's hard up against me, crushing me to him as he opens my mouth and his tongue's in me, not gently now, it feels as though he wants to eat me alive as he moans and slides his hand down to my crotch, holding me fiercely through the denim and rubbing the heel of his palm hard against my clit. Still kissing me, and now both his hands are at my waist undoing the button and zipper then he falls to his knees, pulling the jeans down, taking a shoe off to free one of my legs and pushing my clothing down to the floor.

"Oh Christ Bella, oh yes…" He's taken my free leg and bent it up to the side, propping it on a nearby shelf. Jesus, I'm so open to him like this. He's stroking the crotch of my panties and I'm so fucking wet as he teases my clit. Then his mouth's there, his tongue flicking at me through the lace and I feel his hot breath as he sucks me. His hair's tickling my thighs and it feels like a furry, sexy animal's down there, wriggling around and licking me and my legs go weak as I grab the shelves on each side to hold myself up. He pulls the panties aside and slips one of those long fingers into me, kissing my belly now, resting his messed up hair against my stomach as he softly explores me. One finger, now another as he curls them around, sliding them deeply in and his thumb's rubbing over my clit and I press my lips together to keep from screaming with pleasure as a moan escapes me.

Then I can't be silent, I'm grunting helplessly as he fucks me with his fingers, finding that place inside that makes me clench down and suck his fingers in all wet and needy and his hot mouth is whispering against my belly as he kisses my skin and presses me against the back wall, keeping me there for his fingers to work on.

"Yes, Bella, oh you feel so good…yes you like that don't you baby…just there…you love that just there…you love that…just there…oh yes come on my hand, Bella, come for me…"

And I fall apart, whimpering and bucking on his fingers as the lovely fire runs up my spine and down to my feet and curls my toes and I almost collapse on top of him.

I'm vaguely aware that he's pulling my jeans back on and buttoning me up, then he's sliding my shoe on as well. He straightens up and pulls me to him as he kisses me again. I feel how hard he is pushing into my belly and I can't leave him like that all afternoon. Besides, I want to taste him. Badly.

So I'm the one pressing him to the wall and kneeling now, undoing his jeans, pushing them down to his ankles as I pull out his boxers and free his cock from them by feel, letting them slide down as well. It's almost pitch black in here, just chinks of light around the door so I take his cock in my hands and explore it. God he's huge, long and fucking hard and he's panting and thrusting into my hands a little as I run them over his length.

A memory of James hurting my mouth invades my thoughts but this isn't James, it's Edward and he smells completely different and feels different and although I shouldn't, I feel safe with him and I need so badly to have him in my mouth and make him come.

His hands come down into my hair, and he pulls me gently onto his cock as my mouth opens and I take him in, holding the base of his shaft and gripping his muscular ass with my other hand to steady him. He gives a soft, shuddering sigh and bucks a little into my mouth and I use my hard-won skills and take him all in, loosening my throat and my jaw, sucking and using my tongue as I slide him deeply in and out, holding and stroking his balls as he makes wordless noises of pleasure.

His hands leave my hair and I sense him gripping the shelves on each side as his legs shake and he strains forward into my mouth. He's on the edge, so close to coming as I grip him and massage his balls and suck him in harder and faster. Then he pumps erratically into my mouth, coming with a gasping shudder and I drink him in all salt and musk and Edward.

I set him to rights again as he did for me, then stand and he pulls me to him, holding me in his arms so tightly, rocking to and fro. He holds my face and kisses me and I feel wetness. I touch his cheek and feel the tracks of tears.

"Edward, you're…"

"Kiss me…" And I do. It's soft now, gentle and no tongues, and his lips are on my neck, and at my ear.

"Let me carry your books and hold your hand, Bella."

"Yes." I whisper it into his mouth.

Oh, Edward. What the fuck are we doing?

 


	7. Comings and Goings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

_   
_

_Edward_

Wednesday night about 11pm and I'm reading the latest Lee Childs in bed, not sleepy. But I can't concentrate on Jack Reacher the ultimate romantic loner. Usually he soothes me, my hero, but tonight I'm too far away from living that self-contained macho ideal so I let the book slip to the floor and just lie there, trying not to drift back into emo-land but not doing so well.

Inventory of the week so far:

1\. Monday. Sudden urgent need for sex with Bella in amongst cleaning products after the yogurt incident. Unsavoury surrounds not helped by the ghosts of my past broom closet screws. Despite all that it's a fucking religious experience. I'm a complete Hallmark card now so even with a massive goddam boner I just want to make her happy. It used to be all about power and my rep as 'Fingers' Cullen. But now I just want to please her, learn her, play her like my piano and her taste, her feel and the sounds she makes drive me wild. And then she gives new meaning to getting blown. Bella with my cock all the way down her incredible throat was literally mindblowing. I mean I'm something of a conoisseur in this particular area and I've never experienced anything remotely comparable, not even with Jake and that was damn good. And the fact that it was _Bella's_ mouth and tongue and hands, I mean, Jesus wept. And so did I. I always thought Hemingway was full of shit but I take it back, the fucking Earth moved.

2\. Monday after school, Bella comes over to do homework with me and Alice as Charlie's working late. I'm still reverberating from lunchtime and I feel about as together as the asteroid belt so I'm pretty subdued. Bella and I kiss a little in my room before she heads home but I can't cope with anything else. Even Alice thinks I'm weird. Later I find myself humming along to John fucking Mayer on the radio. I mean, this shit is scary, I seriously think I may have a brain tumor.

3\. Tuesday I decide no more sexplosions in broom closets - I want to take it gently with Bella now. I know I can't cope with the intensity of Monday repeated on a daily basis so although I keep touching and holding her whenever I can, we just kiss. I think she's OK with that but who knows as although we spend time together after school at my place or hers we don't really talk about all this stuff. I've got no fucking idea where to even start and I dread her asking me about my past exploits.

4\. Each day I live for the breaks between classes, taking Bella's bag and her small hand in mine and walking with her beside me. Stupid fatuous grins spread over my face when I steal looks at her and I love that people are talking. I want people to talk, I want them to make a fucking announcement over the PA and on public radio. I want to hire a sky-writing plane, to take out a full-page ad in the paper and spam the world through the internet. _Bella Is With Edward Now._ Not that we've actually discussed it, but I think it's understood, it's implied. Bella and Alice roll their eyes at each other as I beam like a fool. I feel joyous and tender and protective and terrified and…just fucking _everything_.

5\. And therein lies the rub. Because all this bliss and fluff is riding on a shitstorm of pain that I've held down for years. I feel like I've just got a small head start on the bad stuff, surfing along in a happy little Bella and Jake canoe just ahead of the dark wave. And once the ride ends as it surely will I am going to go down and not come up again. Nights are not good. Not good at all. I can't remember the dreams specifically, but cold and fear and running from nameless monsters feature. It helps that Jake called me last night before I went to sleep. It's different with him, less intense and frightening. He steadies me. We didn't talk about anything special, just got to know each other some more. He asked me to tell him about my room, to describe it. I talked about the house here in the forest and how I like being high up in the trees with my balcony looking out across the river. I told him about my music spread out on the piano, and my CDs and sound system. I got Jake to tell me about his home, his room in La Push. He does woodcarving and there are small carved animals on his shelves, including a wolf of course. He's got a garage where he works on his bike and he's rebuilding an old car. Talking helped me get to sleep, but it didn't stop the dreams from creeping back. It's years since I had these dreams but it's like a bunch of old elementary school bullies have come back to beat me up. And they're still so much bigger than me.

__________________________________

The cell on my nightstand makes its "text arrived" chirrup so I lean over and reach for it, thumbing on the glowing screen.

_Edward - what u doing? - J_

_In bed - thinking_

_Thinkg abt what?_

_U _

and Bella and my fucked up life, but I don't add that bit.

_What u got on? _

oh why not have some fun and anesthetise the emo…

_T and boxers. What abt u?_

_Nothing_

I grin. Here we go.

_Tease. R u touchg yrself?_

Fucking text sex - I need three hands. I'm better at texting right-handed so I slip my left hand down and stroke myself through the boxers, easing my cock out through the fly.

_Yeah. R u hot 4 me now?_

_Yeah. Hot and hard. U?_

_Fuck yes hot 4 u want yr cock _

I'm breathing heavily now and I spit in my hand and stroke myself harder. Texting leaves a lot to be desired in the sound-effects department as well - I want him to hear me panting, to hear me moan. And I don't think I can multi-task any more, not in this state.

_Call me. Want u 2 hear me cum _

I hit send, letting the phone slip into the bedclothes as I sit up, pulling off my T-shirt and boxers. _Rock the Casbah_ tinkles up from the folds of the comforter and I grab the phone again and lie back on the pillows. It's hot to be naked and imagine Jake the same on his bed at the other end of the airwaves.

"Eds?"

"Jake…hi lover…" I drawl it, making my voice deep and husky.

"Hot and hard huh?" I can hear a smile in his voice. Oh we'll see who has the last laugh wolf boy.

"Hard for _you,_ Jake. I'm lying on my bed and I got rid of the clothes. Can you see me lying here all spread out for you? I'm touching my cock, Jake, but I'd rather you were holding me."

"Fuck, Edward…yeah…" His breathing's loud through the phone now and I hear a soft groan. "Me too baby - I wanna be holding your cock as well. I'm so hard, Edward, fuck I'm so hard for you…"

"Tell me what you want to do to me, Jake - tell me." More spit and I'm stroking myself faster now, twisting my hand across the head of my cock as my hips buck and my eyes close, only the pleasure and his voice in my world now.

"Want to lie between your legs baby and…suck that cock of yours." He's panting now and his words come raggedly. "Gonna suck your cock into my mouth…all the way…in and out all wet and hot and fucking hard…ohhhh baby…can you feel me…doing that baby?...Does it feel good when I…suck your cock?"

I moan loudly and I'm gasping too, jerking myself hard and fast and I can't last much longer. "Fuck yeah…feels so good… your mouth sucking me and your tongue licking…licking me...oh fuck…"

"Oh yeah…feel my tongue…come in my mouth baby…"

"Coming now…oh Jake...fuck…_ Jake_" groaning his name, my legs tense and quiver and my left hand's dropped the phone, it's clutching the comforter as I shudder and arch, coming all over my stomach and chest.

I grab a wad of tissues off the nightstand and clean myself quickly, hunting in my bedding for the cell.

"Jake? You made me come so hard I dropped the damn phone. How you doing there?"

All I hear is heavy breathing. "Jake?"

"Jeez, Edward, that was red hot. I thought my cock'd exploded. Well it had, but…you know." He laughs, sounding so happy, and I grin.

"Yeah, me too." We're quiet for a minute, no need to speak, comfortable with each other as we catch our breath.

"I want to see you this weekend, Jake, but I can't figure out where. Want to wake up with you again."

"Yeah, ditto to that. Leave it with me and I'll sort something. Saturday night, OK?"

"OK. But where?"

"My surprise, Eds - I'll call you Saturday but it'll be later, about this time - I've got stuff I have to do earlier on. Just be at home when I call."

"But...well, OK then, mystery man." I really don't like leaving it up to Jake and where can we go that late on a Saturday? I can always sneak out but then what? But I don't want to push him. "Sweet dreams then, lover boy."

"Night Eds, sleep tight."

"Oh I will after that." I lie, and click off the phone.

Fucking typical, I always have to have the last word, hate to be hung up on. It's not something I'd have noticed before, or at least I wouldn't have been bothered about it.

Before…before Jake and Bella. BJB. Not such a good era, BJB but AJB's a whole different sort of frightening. But I'm not going to do the emo meltdown any more tonight, I feel too good after hot messy phone sex with Jake. Here and now, Edward, don't overthink.

Yawning and sleepy at last, and I'm rolling over and curling under the comforter, hoping it does its goddam job for a change.

__________________________________

_Bella_

It's Friday and I'm in the Volvo with Edward, heading for his place after school. It's my turn today to run the playlist so my iPod's plugged in and I've got _Lavinia_ by The Veils playing, trying to broaden his horizons. He seems to like it, swaying a little from side to side as the music swells. He's taken to picking me up before school, but he did say he missed the morning truck dismount slapstick routine.

We're getting quite good at this - being together comfortably doing homework or listening to music. Sometimes he just holds me in his lap as we sit on his couch, nuzzling my hair or holding my hand. Sometimes we kiss but since Monday its always a gentle, breathy tongue-twining or closed mouth dustings of kisses across my face and neck. He's driving me fucking nuts and it's all my fault.

My fault I goaded him into mad janitor's cupboard sex. I pushed it too far and somehow I've turned him off and he's gone all weird. Was it the blow job? I guess I just disgusted him. Nice girls don't know how to do that stuff so now he probably thinks I've done a truckload of teen porn videos under the name Candy Suckalot or some such shit. Damn. He seemed to like it at the time, no, I _know_ he liked it, but afterwards he just withdrew and we've hardly talked since.

He's not looking too good either. I mean he always looks like sex on legs but he's got dark shadows under his eyes. He looks like tired sex on legs and it worries me that he seems so stressed - am _I_ making him like that?

I can't figure out where I am with him. He wants to carry my bag and he's touching me all the time, almost as though he needs to keep checking that I'm real and still there. And he's moody as hell - either preoccupied and sad, or breaking into huge grins when we're together. We never really talk and I don't know what we are. I mean, he's staked a claim, that's obvious, but now he's gone quiet and he's holding back from me so I must have done something wrong.

I'm just about to explode from all the touches and kisses, gentle as they are. Every damn touch is electric with Edward so I'm constantly amped into a quivering mass of lust that doesn't go anywhere. I did try a couple of times to deepen the kisses or touch him in a less grade school way, but he just gently disengaged from me and turned it into a hug.

I'm about ready to punch him in the nose with frustration. So I've decided - we have to talk. Tonight. I can't take this any more.

I wait 'til we're on the sofa in his room and he's put on Ravel's _Pavane for a Dead Princess_. Hmmm, hope there's no message in that.

"What's going on, Edward?"

He looks down at me, frowning slightly, and strokes my hair back from my face. "Going on?"

"Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Why've you gone weird since Monday? I blew it didn't I?"

"Blew it?" He's tracing small circles on my neck now.

"Fuck, apart from that. Well, because of that. Blowing it, I mean, you. Fuck." OK, lost the ability to speak English and not even because he's fucking my brains out. Crap.

He's peering at me, baffled, clearly wondering if I've gone off my meds and totally lost it. No, just my usual incoherence when in The Presence. I pull away from him and move down the couch a bit to get away from the Electric Fingers so I can think straight.

"OK, starting again. I'm freaking out because since I, er, you know, did that to you in the janitor's cupboard on Monday, you've barely said a word to me all week. So I guess it's clear that even though you liked it fine then, you've had second thoughts afterwards. About me. It's put you off me hasn't it? Was it too skanky?"

"Sk…what? Bella, you can't mean that. How could I ever…? No, hell no, I don't think you're…I could never…"

He's all worked up and he's on me again, holding my face in his hands, peering at me incredulously.

"You thought I'd gone quiet because _you_ did something wrong? Jesus, Bella, Monday was…it was so good I don't have words. The way you made me feel…no-one's ever made me feel like that."

Then he lets me go and slumps back, running his hands through his hair and screwing the heels of his palms into his eyes.

"That's the problem, you make me feel…"

"What? _What_ do I make you feel?" Now I'm the baffled one, and he looks so fucked up I'm frightened.

"Everything…" He's not looking at me now, he's turned to sit sideways with his knees pulled up, arms wrapped around himself, holding it all in.

"You didn't feel things before?"

"Not much, not since I was a kid. I've been Edward fucking Cullen for a long time. And he doesn't feel things, good or bad. Mostly just surface stuff like pride in being a prick and wanting to get laid." His voice is bitter.

"So you're saying that I make you feel things? Feel more?" What, Edward, what do I make you feel?

"Yeah. You make me feel alive again. I feel happy around you and anxious when we're apart. It's so intense it freaks me out and I panic. That's why since Monday I've been all over the place. It took me years to build those walls up and it's hard to let go of them."

Tell me about it. Not that I've done it as long as him, just since James. Fuck, will I need to tell him about James? Don't know if I can but I think I'll need to. What has he been through that was so bad he's had to shut down for that long? I need him to tell me but I don't know if it's even safe to ask. Hell, but I need to know.

"Why, Edward? Why did you need to be like that? I know how hard it is to talk about the bad stuff but we have to try. If we're going to be together. _Are_ we together? We haven't even talked about that."

He sighs and looks away, out the windows. I have to strain to hear him, his voice is so quiet. "I want us to be together, Bella. I'm yours and I want you to be mine. It's all I want. But…"

And I'm singing inside, _mine, he's mine, he said he's mine! _I can't hold back, I have to hold him so I scoot over and wriggle into his lap so I'm straddling him, making him look at me as I stroke his face. No buts.

"Edward, I want you too, so much. Whatever this is we have to talk about it. I've been through some bad shit as well, back in Phoenix and I don't know if I can deal with it either but we have to try. But don't shut down with me, don't shut me out. Please."

He runs his finger down my face and around my lips, his face a mask of sadness. "Can't promise never to shut you out, Bella. It's so hard to talk about. I'm afraid that you won't want me if you know…"

He swallows and shuts his eyes and oh crap he's close to crying again, tears dampening his closed lashes. I'm frantic with the need to take away the pain, to make him better. His pain physically hurts me and I can't stand it. I pull his face to my chest and hold him to my breasts, stroking his back and running my fingers through his hair. His arms go around me slowly, then he holds me tightly, taking long shuddering breaths. After some time, he raises his face blindly and presses his cheek to mine, then traces his nose down my nose and up the other side and presses his lips to my eyelids. I kiss his damp cheek and then our mouths are on each other in a deep desperate kiss, full of longing and want.

Gasping for breath, I pull back and stroke the side of his face as he leans into my hand. Finally he opens his eyes and looks at me. So many feelings struggling there: sadness and hope and hunger and fear.

"I'll always want you Edward, no matter what happened. It doesn't have to be now, but sometime we need to talk about it all. Both of us. Whatever you think you've done, it won't matter."

He half smiles, but his eyes are sad as he gazes at me.

"How can you know it won't matter," he whispers. "How can you know I'm not the bad guy."

"Whatever I went through in Phoenix, whatever I did, when I manage to tell you will it matter to you, will it make you dump me?"

"Of course not, Bella, but that's different."

"No, it's the same."

I need to get through to him somehow so I sit back and a little and pull off my T-shirt then undo my bra. My nipples harden in the cooler air. "Trust me, Edward. Love me."

His face goes soft and he holds me around the waist and leans in to kiss my neck, nuzzling beneath my ear so that I arch forward as he licks a trail down to my collar bone then the base of my throat. And then his hands and mouth are all over my breasts as he makes little throaty whimpers.

Well damn, I had to cheer him up but I've done it again and thrust my chest at him just like last Friday. Man, I'm as useless at this talking thing as he is. Now he's got a mouthful of tit and his brain's gone to Jesus.

My brain's running a close second as he flicks my nipples with his tongue. And his hand's between my legs, pushing up my skirt as he slides those fingers inside me again.

We really must talk though…sometime…later…oh Edward… ohhhhh…

 


	8. Pas des Deux

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

_   
_

_Bella_

His hands are tangled in my hair as I kneel between his spread legs and look up at him over his cock. I tease him a little, popping him out of my mouth and licking the head tantalisingly a few times, then I home in on that spot just underneath. He bucks convulsively and his hands tighten on me as he whimpers, staring down at me heavy-lidded, panting.

Taking pity I suck him deeply in again, all the way in as he arches back, pushing his hips forward into my mouth, pulling me onto him with his hands. His head's fallen back on the couch and his eyes are shut as he shudders and he's beyond speech, moaning and grunting as he moves. I let his hands set the pace and as he speeds up I reach between his legs into the nest of coiled russet hair there and caress his balls, knowing he's close.

It tips him over the edge and his face is intense, ecstatic, almost in pain as his mouth opens and his head thrashes from side to side. His hips thrust forward then he tenses, his abdominals sharply defined as he spills into my mouth. His hands fall away and he shivers, pumping a few last times as I swallow and suck. Fuck, I love his taste. James tasted bitter, it used to make me almost gag, especially when he forced himself…No this is Edward, Edward, not James. Edward tastes of salt and musk, he tastes of sex itself. His hands are gentling my hair now, stroking me as he catches his breath.

I open my eyes, breathing heavily in my single bed as I press my legs together, tingling and hot from memories of being with Edward in his room yesterday evening. Afterwards he held me on his lap for ages, rocking me in his arms and kissing me softly.

It was much better than the first time in the dark broom cupboard. God, I love seeing him come, seeing how much pleasure I can give him. I want to do it again, and I want to feel his fingers slip inside me and find that place that makes me all desperate and needy.

My fingers are a very poor second to his but they'll have to do, now I'm so turned on. I stroke my swollen clit, remembering Edward's thumb sliding over me as his long fingers curled and thrust, and I come, moaning into a mouthful of quilt so Charlie won't hear in the quiet early morning.

_______________________________________

I make scrambled eggs and bacon for Charlie and myself then he heads off to the station and I do some laundry that's well overdue as I haven't been home after school so much lately thanks to Edward. Charlie knows I'm off to see Jake in La Push and he's happy - he likes Jake. Who doesn't?

Leaning on the juddering machine, waiting for the wash cycle to finish, I think about what I'm doing. Why am I off to hang out with Jake when it's getting so intense with Edward? I guess that's why. It's been such a whirlwind these last two weeks and I'm exhausted, worn out by Edward's mood shifts and by the feelings that flood me when I'm with him.

I just need Jake's cheerfulness and to be with someone less angst-ridden and complicated. I need a friend and I don't have anyone else in Forks yet to fill that role. Alice maybe, at some stage, but she's Edward's sister so that's kind of awkward.

Jake's always been my friend. I feel secure with him and I need him as an antidote to this stuff with Edward. I feel so much with Edward, but safe definitely isn't part of the mix. Longing, lust, fear. Maybe even love if that's possible after so short a time. But no, not safe.

I'm pushing the last sheets into the dryer as my cell rings on the kitchen table.

"Bella, it's me." Edward.

A shiver of excitement runs down my spine. "Hello, Edward." Damn, I've gone husky. Try not to drool into the handset.

"What are you up to?"

"Just laundry, chores, you know. Charlie's gone in to the station."

"Are you free today?"

Fuck, tricky. Why do I feel guilty? It's just Jake, he's just a friend. But I find I can't tell Edward about the plans with Jake. He'd probably over-react, he does that.

"Tomorrow's better - there are things I need to do today. Sorry."

"OK. I'll miss you."

Damn, he sounds almost wistful and I feel like a shit.

Edward regroups. "What about tomorrow then - shall we do something? The weather's supposed to stay fine, we could have a picnic."

"You're optimistic. But yes, anything'd be great, a picnic or just hanging out, whatever you like." I'm gushing slightly, trying to make up for letting him down today.

"What say I pick you up in the afternoon, at one o'clock - OK?"

"That's great. I'll bring some food in case it is picnic weather, though I have to say I'm dubious."

"No, it's my treat, don't slave away in the kitchen. I'll sort the food."

"I love cooking. I'll bring something sweet, you do the rest."

"Alright, but the only sweet thing I want on my lips is…_you Bella_."

Whispering the last part all sultry and rough and I'm tingling and clenching just hearing his voice.

"Fuck, Edward, don't get me going again. I woke up so hot for you after last night."

"Did you now? And how did you …_handle_… that?"

"I'm sure you can imagine."

"Help me…_help_ me imagine…_Bella_…"

Jesus, the way he says my name, his voice dark and breathy. I can't help it, I let a moan slip out and I hear him inhale.

"I had to…do what you do to me. Touch myself. God, Edward I feel so, so dirty, saying this to you on the phone, in the kitchen."

"Yeah, feel dirty, feel dirty about it, feel like it's wrong. I love that I can make you all hot and fucked up, Bella. Fuck, you're so sweet and sexy and you just drive me crazy. I want to love you and fuck you and get you all hot and dirty."

He's almost growling now, his voice is hoarse and I'm so wet, fuck I'm wet.

"Touch yourself now for me, Bella, oh please. I need to hear you come, I can't wait til tomorrow. Tell me what you're doing."

"Edward…" It comes out as a whimper. "I'm sliding my hand under the waistband of my sweats, down my stomach and between my legs." And I am, and fuck it feels good.

I hear him panting harshly on the other end of the phone, and he groans. "Fuck yeah…unnnh Bella…more…"

"I'm wet, Edward, I'm so wet and hot. I slip my finger in there and find my clit and I'm stroking my clit Edward but you do it better. You make me come so hard, I love your fingers inside me, making me come…"

"_Bella!"_ He sobs my name then I hear him grunt harshly as he comes. I let my own orgasm take me, moaning and shuddering as I lean against the bench, my hand frantic between my legs.

Then we're both silent except for the heavy breathing, until I can't take it any more and I start to giggle. I hear him laughing as well, and we're snorting and cracking up like a couple of fools.

"_Feel dirty, feel dirty about it, feel like it's wrong_? Jeez, Edward, you sure know how to sweet-talk a girl."

"Er, yeah. I'm not quite sure where that came from. You just turn me into a goddam Neanderthal, Bella. I want to drag you off by the hair and fuck you senseless. But I promise to feed you first, tomorrow."

"Well, that's alright then. One o'clock you say?"

"Yeah. I'll see you then. And Bella? Wear a skirt..." I hear a grin in his voice and he makes a kissing sound then the phone clicks off.

Fucking hell. Dirty talking phone sex with Edward in the kitchen on a sunlit Saturday morning. Feeling more than slightly crazed, I finish the laundry then head upstairs and dress warmly so as to drive out to Jake's.

Make me feel normal, Jake, bring me back to earth again.

_______________________________________

  
_Jake_

She clambers down from the truck and her legs and her ass in those tight jeans, Jeez she's hot. Calm down, Jake, don't get all grabby and fresh, just be nice.

"Bells, great to see you." I steal a kiss to her cheek, surely an old friend's allowed that much? She doesn't seem to mind, putting her hand on my arm and grinning up at me.

"Hey, Jake. Great day for a ride."

She's so innocent, looking happily around at my bike and the beach, sun glinting off the water. Riding. Riding Bella. Shit. Thank Christ she'll be behind me on Sophie, cos I'm gonna have some issues in the groin area with her sitting there so close.

We go inside and Bella chats with Billy while I put a few last things into Sophie's saddle bags.

She's wearing jeans and boots which is OK, but her jacket's not gonna to be warm enough so I get her one of my old leather ones. It's comically large on her but it'll protect her better. I strap on my helmet and adjust hers, and we say so long to Billy.

I give Bells a few tips on riding pillion like leaning into the corners not away. Had a chick once leant the wrong way and we nearly wiped out. I mount Sophie and brace her with my legs, preparing for Bella's weight as she clambers on - not that there's much, she's so slender. There's no grab-bar on Sophie so she has to hold on round my chest. It feels good, especially at first as she clutches me hard and I feel her so warm against me, her knees gripping tight around my lower ribs where she's just up behind me on the pillion seat.

We ride back through Forks and I'm proud that I've got Bella on my bike, even though she's probably unrecognisable under the jacket and helmet. Then I take us south on 101 until we hit the Hoh River where the road runs west to the coast. I pull over at Ruby Beach so we can take a short break and look at the sea. We leave the helmets with Sophie and walk down the stones for a way, stretching our legs and sharing a soda.

"So how're you settling in at Forks High, Bells?"

"OK I guess. It was hard at first, well it still is really. I'm pretty shy with new people and I don't have much in common with most of them. Some of the guys were hitting on me, which I hate. I don't know why, I never got that sort of attention in Phoenix."

"Huh? Those Phoenix dudes must have been blind not to notice you." Oops. I blush a little and study a piece of driftwood intently, hoping she won't notice.

She gives me a sideways look and grins a little. "Come on Jake, I'm nothing special. It's just that there's nothing to do here and they're bored, that's all."

She doesn't have any idea how hot she is - it's partly why she's so damn irresistible. "So haven't you met anyone you can get along with yet?"

"Yeah. I did meet some kids there that are a bit more interesting. The doctor's kids, Alice and Edward Cullen. And Alice's boyfriend Jasper, he's OK as well."

Edward. Fuck me, she knows Edward. Shouldn't be so surprised of course, it's a small place. I'd just forgotten they'd be there in school together. Edward's kind of in a separate compartment in my mind, since Seattle.

I try to be all casual. "The Cullens, huh? What'd you think of them?"

"Oh, do you know them?" She's curious herself now. Damn, how to handle this?

"I know Edward a little." In the Biblical sense, and I know how to make him moan my name. "We met at a concert in Seattle. Eagles of Death Metal."

"Oh you got to see them live? I love their stuff, and they don't take it too seriously."

Whew, deflected her off Edward. "Yeah, it was a fun concert." And the aftermath was even more enjoyable. But damn, she's back on it again.

"So, Edward. What did you think of him?"

She's trying for super-casual too but I can hear the curiosity leaking through.

"He seems…kind of intense. Interesting though. I don't know him all that well." Just his body, and that he likes to be held and stroked like a cat. "What's your take on him?"

She seems thrown by my question and pauses, biting her lip. "Um, yes, he is intense. He seems…I don't know…troubled sometimes. I gather he has something of a reputation locally."

"I heard that too."

Bella shakes out her hair, trying to hide behind it. I know that trick, she's done it for years. She shoots me a quick glance around the hair. Hmmm. Very interested in Edward. Fuck, is she crushing on him?

"What did you hear?" She's trying for casual but not managing it.

"That he's been fairly…active…locally. And that he swings both ways." Getting into dangerous turf there. Careful, Jake.

"Did he grow up here? I don't remember him, but I never really got to know the local kids except you, Jake, with just the summer holiday trips."

"He's not from here but I think he and Alice have been here a while, since grade school days. I heard Dr Cullen married their mother years ago. They were from L.A. I think."

"Oh, so Dr Cullen's their stepfather?"

"Yeah, I guess. I think he adopted the kids. But that's all I know, from the local talk. It's all old news now."

Thank Christ she drops it and we wander back to Sophie and take off again. I take us south then inland at the Queets River to Lake Quinault, on the Quinault rez. There's a nice picnic spot at July Creek on the lake's north shore, and at this time of year we've got it to ourselves.

We stick to safer topics as we chat over the cold pizza and fruit that I packed, and pop open more sodas.

"So how was Phoenix these last few years since I saw you?"

"Hot. Dry. Cactusy."

She's blowing me off, but I want to know what she meant when we met at the barbecue.

"Uh-huh. You said the other day that some shit happened there. Are you OK now?"

She hides behind the hair again, then seems to make a decision and pushes it back. We're sitting at a picnic bench and she traces the wood grain with her finger.

"I got into a bad relationship with a guy. He was…abusive. He got into drugs, the meth was the worst, and smoking weed as well. He got…out of control and hurt me." Her voice is soft and she looks down, not meeting my eyes. "I had some therapy there, but no, I'm not really over it yet."

I want to kill him, this prick that hurt my Bella. But I can't show her the rage, it might frighten her. I take her hand and hold it in mine. "Bells, I'm so sorry. It sucks that you had to go through that. Did he beat on you?"

She looks away but she doesn't take her hand from mine. "Yeah. And…you know, other kinds of abuse." Almost whispering now. That motherfucker, I'll rip his fucking arms off. I take some deep breaths to calm down.

"Bella, look at me baby." I tilt her head up. Tears are sliding down her cheeks. "Whatever he did it was his own sick shit. There's no way you were responsible. You gotta believe in yourself, Bells. You can get over this."

She sniffs and brushes clumsily at her face with her free hand. I pull her towards me and kiss the top of her head, then find some napkins in the saddle bag for her to blow her nose.

"But I _am_ responsible for some of it Jake. I'm not a kid. I got sucked into James' bullshit and I did stuff, stupid things. I drank and smoked weed with him and I let him do things to me…"

Her face is in her hands. I sit beside her on the bench and pull her against me, hugging her fiercely and stroking her hair.

"Come on Bells, you're a teenager, we all drink and most of us smoke some weed, hell, I do. Don't beat yourself up about that. I guarantee the bad shit was all down to this James cocksucker, not you."

She winces when I call him a cocksucker but I let it go. "What happened to him Bells, where is he now?" So I can find him and fucking end the asshole.

"He's doing five years. He robbed a liquor store."

Lucky for him he's not out and about, I think coldly. Forget him and look after Bella. "Thanks for telling me babe. You know I care a lot about you, don't you? I wanna help you get over this - you're special to me."

"Jake, thanks, but I can't, I'm not ready…"

"Nah, it's OK. Just as a special friend I guess." I'd like to be more, but hell, she's hurting and I can't push it. "Come on, lets take a walk. A bit further back there's a trail to a giant cedar, it's not too far."

We find the path and walk in. It's quiet in the forest and church-like, with sun slanting down as though from high windows and resiny smells. Peaceful and no-one else there, not this time of year. Bella relaxes though she does trip on roots a few times, I forgot how clumsy she can be. I joke with her a bit to lighten the mood, and we play chase around the base of the tree, then she disappears. The trunk's hollow and I find her hiding in there, teasing me.

She tries to dash past and escape but I grab her playfully, swinging her around. We left our bike jackets with Sophie and she's so warm and soft in my arms. Damn she feels good and I just can't help myself, I pull her against me and put one hand in her hair and I'm kissing her, my lips hot on hers. Fuck, I want her and I put all that longing into the kiss and feel her respond. Her mouth opens and she melts against me and I hold her face in both my hands and kiss her sweet mouth, tongue and all, and man, I'm lost, I'm a goner.

Finally she pulls away and just holds me, her face against my chest as I stroke her hair and her back. Every fiber of me longs to make love to her but I force myself to behave.

"Jake I…I'm sorry, I didn't mean for that to…I can't just now. There's too much going on and it's too confusing. I shouldn't have given you the wrong impression."

I sigh. Yeah, I figured. "It's OK, Bells. I just want what's best for you. I wanna be special for you but I can wait. I can just be your friend for now."

"A friend's what I need most at the moment, Jake, so thanks."

So we return to Sophie and I take us back along the coast and up 101 then out to La Push as the sun gets orange and the shadows lengthen. We stand by her old beat-up truck and she thanks me for the day. I brush my hand down her cheek bone and she smiles and leans into it a little, and puts her hand on mine. Then she climbs into the truck and she's gone in a rattle and a puff of blue smoke.

Bella. I go and sit on my favorite log at the beach and think about that kiss. When twilight falls I go inside. Billy can tell something's up but he doesn't quiz me, he's good like that.

Billy and I have the rest of the pizza, then I remember I promised Edward I'd meet him later on. Man, this is getting kind of busy, but I do want to see him. I'm feeling all mixed up and excited from that kiss with Bella, and Edward's so damn hot as well.

I take a shower and my head's full of how Bella tasted, her strawberry, flowery smell and her hot mouth. I'm rock hard thinking about her so I start to beat off, feeling a little guilty as I mentally undress her and run my hands over those soft breasts I felt pressed against me in that hollow tree. It almost feels like I'm abusing her after what she told me, so I think about Edward instead and then I see him fucking Bella, his sweet ass pumping as he buries his cock in her and I'm there too, taking him while he's deep inside her and she's looking up into my eyes and whimpering both our names and man it's so hot and I'm coming so goddam hard I fall to my knees on the tiles. Ouch.

Jeez, that was so fucking wrong. And so fucking hot. It's OK if I keep it as a fantasy though isn't it? Yeah, I'll just lock it away inside my head and keep it to play with. My little secret.

_______________________________________

I slip out after Billy goes to sleep. He's used to my comings and goings and doesn't hassle me.

Sophie rumbles along the quiet roads as I locate the turn-off I sussed out when it was light on Thursday. I take her down real slow so she's purring quietly and ride her to what I judge is about half-way in, then wheel her into the ferns and cover her with the tarp I keep in the saddle bag.

Then I lope quietly along, skirting the trees, almost invisible in my dark leathers.

I'm a wolf in the night, hunting my prey, closing in.

 


	9. Pas des Deux Encore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

_   
_

_Edward_

Frustrating fucking day. I wake up hard as a hammer after dreams of Bella attached to my dick like a luscious lipped suction pump. So I stagger into the shower and beat off furiously then sweat and angst like a thirteen year old girl about whether to call her. No, not whether, no way I'm going to be able to play hard to get. When. Just a matter of how soon I can hear her voice while retaining a shred of self-respect.

I hold out til ten o'clock, addict that I am. She answers the phone all husky and I'm instantly fucking hard again. And then she can't see me til Sunday. To quote Kevin Kline from _A Fish Called Wanda_, "disapPOINTed!"

Ah shit, who am I kidding, Kev was playing a psychopath and I'm not pissed, just completely fucking pussy-whipped. When she said she had other things to do the bottom fell out of my world and I whimpered some weak shit about missing her. God I'm pathetic, and terrified by how much I need her. Obviously more than she needs me, but I guess I have to live with that and take what I can get. It's like the fall of the Edward fucking Cullen Roman Empire. I'm in ruins when I can't see her.

So I set up a Sunday picnic trying not to seem too damn desperate, but I can't help flirting with her and then she says she woke up hot for me. Bye-bye brain, my dick was doing the talking from then on and very dirty it was too. But fuck it turned me on hearing her whispering about my fingers inside her making her all hot and wet; I was on my knees with my cock in my hand just coming like a freight train in record time. Thank you Alexander Graham Bell. And iPhone.

Then there's nothing but empty Bella-free hours to endure until Sunday. I'm mooching around trying to write music or finish some schoolwork but I can't stick to anything. God Jesus why didn't I make it a fucking _breakfast_ date. I want to _have_ her for breakfast, remembering tasting her in the janitor's closet last week. I so need to rip off those panties then spread her wide and just bury my face in her sweet juicy folds. Oh man I'm so hard again, I feel like one of those carved wooden souvenir figures with the huge penis bobbing on a spring out in front.

Sunday, Sunday, hang on til then, just another thirteen hours forty minutes but who's counting? Hah.

I'm never going to get to sleep feeling like this and with my cock still hard despite beating off four times today. I try to read _The Raw Shark Texts_ which is fucking brilliant but I can't do it justice in my current state. So I'm lying on my bed in just an old Queen T-shirt and my hand's back there on my dick, teasing myself gently with my eyes closed and imagining it's Bella's small hand touching me instead.

Then I hear the door scrape open and I'm caught, my hand on my goddam junk, heart pounding. But it's the door to the balcony behind the thick gold drapes. I never lock it - why lock a door three stories up in the tree canopy on the outskirts of Forks? It's not exactly the crime capital of the USA. Oh man, I'm paying for that now. Home invasion fantasies from the CI channel flash through my mind then he steps through the curtains, huge and scary and all in black.

Fucking Jake. I'm too stunned to move, just lying there helpless with my hand on my dick and my mouth open. He runs his dark eyes over me, smirking, and his nostrils dilate.

"Edward. I see you're getting in the mood already."

"Jake? What… how…?"

"Figured I'd surprise you Eds. Balcony like you described to me on the phone the other night was bound to have a fire escape." He unzips his jacket and dumps it on the floor beside the bed, nodding at the door to the landing. "That locked?"

I nod. This time of night we won't be bothered. I grin: Jake, my savior, I forgot he said he'd hook up with me tonight. Fuck I'm obsessed with Bella to have overlooked that, not good, not good at all.

I lie back against the pillows, putting my hands behind my head so the T-shirt rides up and he gets a good look at me all hard and inviting. His eyes are riveted and he's breathing fast - and not just from climbing the fire escape stairs. The boots and leather trousers are on the floor by now and he pulls a plain white T-shirt off over his head and stands before me gloriously naked and so fucking ready.

"Missed you Eds." His eyes are black with lust as he kneels over my hips on the bed and his hands slide up under my T-shirt, cool on my skin and I shudder as he takes my nipples and rolls them in his fingers, breathing heavily as he stares at me. His dick's huge and hard and mine twitches longingly right beside it as he sits back on me and we cross swords.

"Jake…oh sweet fuck…"

He's taken both our cocks now, one in each hand, and he's stroking us both at the same time, staring into my eyes all the while. He bites his lower lip as he slides his thumbs over the heads of our cocks and I groan and my arms come down, hands fisting the covers. My hips are trying to buck underneath him but his weight pins me to the bed. He's jerking us off as he stares at me, panting, faster now, faster as I whimper and writhe and my legs tremble under him. His eyes are half-closed, hips thrusting rapidly as his hands pump us and I'm cursing and moaning his name as I arch up and spill into his hand while Jake grunts and shoots jizz all over Freddie Mercury. Not that Freddie would have minded.

We curl up under the covers together after a quick Freddie-assisted wipe down, and I'm finally pleasantly drowsy, my head on Jake's chest and my right arm and leg draped across him. His arm's around me and he's ruffling my hair, massaging my head and the nape of my neck and stroking his hand down my back and then up again. I damn near purr with pleasure and I kiss his chest and blow air on the nipple by my mouth, tracing circles around his left nipple with my finger.

"So, you know Bella Swan?" Jake says out of left field, his hand falling still.

What? Where'd that come from? "Ah…yes, a little. She's just started at school. She's in my Biology class. Why? Have you met her?"

"Yeah, I know her from way back. Her Dad and mine are old friends. We used to hang out when she came here for summer vacations. But she stopped coming here a few years ago so I haven't seen her since she was fourteen. Until last week I mean. She and Charlie came to a barbecue on the rez. She sure has grown."

My mind's working overtime, processing all this. "Hang out" - what does _that_ mean?

"Right, I imagine she _has_…grown." I try for nonchalance but he can probably feel that I've tensed up slightly. Shit. His hand starts stroking me again and I try to relax. "So…what, did she mention me or something?" Fuck - what did she tell him?

"Mmmm. She's been asking me about you - she seemed kind of curious."

I can't take this lying down any more. I prop myself up on my left arm so I can see his face. He's looking carefully neutral, but there's a faint hint of mischief in his eyes as he smiles at me.

"What was she asking?" Oh very smooth Edward, could you sound any more needy and obvious?

"Oh just general stuff about how long you'd lived in Forks, your family."

"Yeah? That's all?" I narrow my eyes at him - he's holding something back.

"And she asked about your rep locally."

"My _rep_?" I roll on top of Jake, royally pissed as I glare at him. He's smirking like a bastard so I grab his wrists and lean on them, pressing his hands onto the bed on either side of his shoulders as I straddle him. "What the fuck did you tell her?"

"Only what I've heard baby. That you've put it about a bit. And that you like…variety."

"Fuck Jake, thanks for nothing." I scowl at him but why am I so irritated? She hit me with that stuff the first day we met, and it's not as though it's untrue. Maybe it's harder to hear the gossip from Jake as well, and to know Bella heard it from someone other than that bitch Stanley.

"Nothing she didn't already know about anyway Eds. But why are you getting your panties in a bunch about it? Huh? You two-timing me with the lovely Bella?"

I try hard for a poker face but something must have given me away because suddenly our positions are reversed and he's looming over me, holding me down.

"Fuck Edward, you _are_. What the fuck's going on? Are you hitting on her - she said some guys at school were hassling her. _Tell me_ you bastard!"

He's angry but there's something else I can't quite grasp. He's…excited? What's that about?

"Shit Jake it just sort of happened around the same time I met you. We got friendly at school and we just …fuck I don't know, there's this weird chemistry between us. I can't stop thinking about her. I've never felt this way before. It doesn't mean I don't have feelings for you. It's just different…" I trail off uselessly. Very articulate Edward, that'll pacify him.

He sits up and wraps his arms about himself protectively, staring at me expressionlessly. "So how many others are you fucking at the moment apart from me and Bella, Edward?"

"No-one else. Fuck Jake, I'm not a complete whore, no matter what you've heard. And I don't know why it's happened like this, why I had to meet both of you at the same time. It's different with you…and with Bella. I do fucking care about you both. That never happened before."

He looks at me intently, frowning. I decide to defend by attacking.

"Anyway, what's your interest and what did you mean about "hanging out" with her in the past? What's she to you?"

"She's my friend." He stares me down.

"Yeah? That's all? Cos you seem pretty intense about all this for just a friend."

His expression shifts slightly and for a second I see something else. Pain? Need?

"Fuck Jake, you want her too don't you? You want to be more than a friend."

We stare at each other, our guards down for a moment, both looking kind of desperate. Jake turns away and sits on the side of the bed, looking at the floor, his head in his hands.

I get up and pace about, running my hands through my hair, making it stand on end. "Man this is fucked up."

Jake's voice through his fingers is slightly muffled. "I've had the hots for her for years. Tried to kiss her the last time she was here - that was a fucking disaster. But Jeez she's gorgeous now and I just fell for her all over again at that barbecue."

"So is that the only time you've seen her since she got back?" I'm leaning against the wall, arms folded.

"No." He's almost whispering and I have to strain to hear him. "I took her out on Sophie today, riding. Just an outing, you know."

"And?" I can tell there's more.

"And nothing much. We kissed. I wanted more, sure, but she said it was…complicated. I guess you're one of the complications…"

"_One of them?_ What the fuck does that mean?" I'm pacing again, I can't keep still.

"No, she's not seeing anyone else. It's just…look, has she told you anything about what happened in Phoenix? Why she came here?"

"She said bad shit happened there but she hasn't told me the details yet. Did she talk to you?" I don't know what to think or feel, I'm a mess. Relieved she didn't let him do any more than just kiss her, pissed that she went out with him at all, jealous that she's told him more about her past than she's told me so far. Weirdly, I'm not jealous that Jake wants Bella as well as me. The way I feel about him's different, it's not possessive like it is with Bella.

"Yeah, a bit, but remember I've known her for years as a friend. That's mostly how she sees me, fuck it." He sounds frustrated. "No matter how I'd like her to see me."

"Tell me what she said. What happened?"

"I'm not sure if I should…it's her story to tell really."

"Fuck Jake, just spill. This shit is messy enough as it is without more goddam secrets."

So he tells me about this creep James and I almost lose it, especially when he tells me she said that it was more than physical abuse. Which is bad enough, but what - sexual abuse? Rape? I can't stand it and I punch the wall and bruise my hand. That fucking bastard. Jake comes and stands behind me as I'm banging my head against the wall. He puts his arms around me and stops me, pulling me to him and stroking my hair. Tears of rage are in my eyes and he kisses my neck and gentles me against him making soothing noises and saying _I know, I know, I feel the same_ until my breathing quiets. Bella, my Bella. No fucking bastard hurts my girl. I feel murderous but Jake tells me the asshole's away doing time for armed robbery.

Finally I do calm down but I know I won't sleep with all this shit buzzing round in my brain. I locate the JD from inside one of my boots in the wardrobe and take a drink from the bottle then pass it to Jake while I get my stash out. He takes a drink and watches as I sit at my desk, rolling a joint.

"Put your clothes on, it's cold outside." He pulls on his leathers and boots again and I get into jeans and a thick sweater, and sneakers. We lean on the balcony railing side by side and smoke the joint, taking another couple of pulls at the bottle of Jack. We don't talk but it's OK, companionable.

I flick the butt away into the trees and take his hand, pulling him inside. Fuck it's cold out there tonight, thank Christ for central heating. The room's warm but I'm still shivering, maybe in reaction to everything that's happened. Jake comes and holds me again, massaging my neck until my eyes close and I sigh and nestle against him, letting the dope and the whiskey narrow my focus to the warm room, his body against me, the smell of his leathers.

We undress again and I turn off all but the beside lamp and pull him into bed, spooning against him, still needing to be comforted and making sure he's the big spoon - I'm not keen to be staring at that goddam wolf tattoo right now. Jake slides his hand down my chest, then down my stomach, and I shudder and stretch out against him, sliding my legs between his. He runs his hand down my thigh, then trails his fingers up the inside, making me gasp and press back. I feel his cock stiffen against my butt, feel it press against the curve of my ass and I move against him as he hisses and cups my balls, then takes my now hard cock in his hand, pumping me a few times and rubbing his thumb across the head.

Before I'm too far gone I lean across and open the nightstand drawer, finding a condom and some lube and putting them beside the pillow. I lie on my back and Jake straddles me as I reach up with both hands and stroke his belly, running my fingers over his beautiful abs and across his waist then down to his groin as he shuts his eyes and writhes a little under my touch.

I stroke his cock lightly, teasing him, then grab his hips and pull him up towards me. He looks down dreamily then understands, moving to kneel over my face so I can reach him. I hold his cock in both my hands like a kid with an ice cream and lick the head, caressing it with my tongue then flicking the sensitive part underneath to make him groan and shudder. He's kneeling across my chest, his hands gripping the iron bedstead behind me as he moves gently in my hands and mouth with his head tipped back a little, looking down at me heavy-lidded. His long dark hair falls around his shoulders and I look up over his cock and suck him in as deeply as I can. His eyes shut and he moans, his head falling back as he arches into my mouth. I rub my thumb up the underside of his cock and pump him with my hands as I suck him in and out. He moans _fuck Edward…fuck_ and moves more urgently. Then he puts his hands on mine and stills me, whispering _not yet_. He kneels up and reaches across, ripping the foil package and rolling on the condom.

He slides down onto me, taking me into his arms and tangling his legs with mine as he opens my mouth and kisses me long and hard, pushing his tongue in and caressing mine hungrily until we're both gasping. He licks and bites my neck as I press my cock against his and grab his ass, then he's kissing my chest and sucking on my nipples, running his tongue around them and biting them gently while his long silky hair brushes across my chest.

He spreads my legs and I help, bending them up and pressing them apart, then I feel his finger, slick with lube, slide into my ass and I moan loudly, pressing my mouth against his shoulder to muffle the sound. He slides another finger in and I buck on his hand, groaning. The dope and JD work in me and soon I'm loose, my muscles relaxing and my legs falling open as I move on his fingers. I feel his cock press against me now as he holds it in his hand and runs the slick lubed head up and down my perineum, driving me insane. Fuck I want him and I lift my ass, begging him to take me. He presses into me just a little, then pulls back, then further in as I whimper and push up against him, wanting more, wanting him inside me. I feel the familiar stretching pain-pleasure as he slides further into me and my head's back, eyes shut, my hands on his waist as I make myself relax. He moves in me gently and soon there's no pain and Jesus it feels so fucking good as he pumps in and out with slow deep thrusts, both of us lost in the hot tight pleasure.

_Look at me Edward_ he whispers as I moan and wrap my legs around him, my heels pressing into his ass as we move together, eyes locked. My cock's pressed tight between our bellies slick with sweat and the friction from all sides drives me wild. His other hand's under my ass, pulling me hard against him as he fucks me faster and deeper. All the sensations from his cock inside me and mine between us push me over the edge and I cling to him, shaking and crying out into his neck as I melt and burn, the pleasure welling up and spilling between us. He's gasping now and moving more erratically then he puts his head back and stiffens, gripping me tightly, his eyes closed and mouth open, shuddering as he comes.

__________________________________

I set the alarm for six o'clock as I know no-one stirs on a Sunday morning in this house until eight at the earliest. Plus my fire escape's at the back close to the trees and Jake will be able to climb down without being seen.

He grumbles when it shrills, burying himself under the comforter and refusing to budge. I turn the damn thing off and burrow back in beside him. He's so warm and hard and his skin's all silky and I can't resist nuzzling his neck, kissing his jaw and licking down his throat to his collar bone then fastening my mouth on his nipples again as I reach down to cup his junk and squeeze.

He moans and his semi-hard cock stiffens in my hand. His hand comes up to hold my ass, as his other hand tangles in my hair where I'm fastened to his nipple.

"Edward…" he groans. "Edward we have to talk… oh fuck yeah…"

"More talk?" I whisper, my words muffled by his nipple in my mouth as he pushes his cock into my hand.

"Bella…and us…ah fuck that feels good…" His hand comes down to take my cock and stroke me and I growl and bite his nipple a little, making him gasp.

"Mine…Bella's mine." I growl into his chest, not liking this "us" stuff.

"What if…shit Edward…what if she was ours?"

"Ours?" I shake my head, worrying at his nipple until he grabs my head and stills me.

"Ow stop, you're hurting." He pulls me to his shoulder, his hand in my hair. We're still stroking each other, but gently now. "Look, we both care about her and want her, and this thing we've got going between the two of us is special too. What if we all…I mean all three of us…"

I push him down on the bed and stare at him angrily. "What? You want a fucking threesome with Bella? Jesus Jake that's…that's just…" Just what? Wrong, it has to be wrong. Doesn't it?

He shrugs, unrepentant. "Might be one way to salvage things with her. What's she gonna think when she finds out you're fucking both of us at once?"

Shit. My instincts are to lie like a rug and just not let her find out.

Jake eyes me knowingly. "Weren't planning on telling her that little detail huh? Come on, you said it yourself - this shit is messy enough without more goddam secrets. She's gonna find out at some point."

I stare at him, frowning, feeling desperate. Before Bella it wouldn't have been an issue, but it's all different now because I care about her.

"I don't know, look I don't know what to do Jake, OK? I'm crazy about her but I need you too. Ah shit, it's all fucked up. I fuck everything up." I roll off him and sit on the side of the bed, despondent.

Jake kneels behind me. He puts his arms around me and rests his head in the crook of my neck. He's warm and strong and God it feels good. How can I give this up? I think I love Bella but she makes me feel crazy and out of control. I need her too much and it scares me. Jake calms me down.

I sigh and arch my head to the side so he can kiss my neck. I can't figure it out so I give up and let him drag me back under the covers, hot and mindless as he makes it all go away. For now.

 


	10. Pas des Deux III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: there's an account of an abusive, violent assault in this chapter.
> 
> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out Playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

 

_Bella_

Charlie's gone fishing and listening to his old Rolling Stones albums while I'm cleaning the house turns out to have some pitfalls.

_Who do you love?_   
_Who do you love?_   
_Who do you love?_   
_Who do you love?_

Yeah OK, I get the fucking point. I click the stereo off, irritated, pushing the vacuum cleaner nozzle roughly to and fro across the living room rug.

Edward's in my thoughts all the time…except when Jake is. That kiss with Jake yesterday shook me more than I let him see, but he could probably feel it. He's just so fucking sexy and tall and…so _not _the sweet fourteen year old kid I remember. Not that he's not still sweet, he is, but he's really hot now and that kiss just lit me up.

Damn, it was hard to break it off and I could feel how much he wanted me. I mean, _really_ feel it, even through his leathers. I'm getting hot and bothered just remembering. And then I had to ride home behind him, clinging on to him with my knees, feeling his muscles shift and bunch as he manhandled the bike. Did I mention the bike was vibrating? No wonder I had that unsettling dream last night.

I can't be held responsible for dreams can I? We were dancing in it, which is weird as I can't dance at all so it's pretty clear that "dancing" really meant something else. And by "we" I mean me, Jake and Edward, all together.

We were in one of those dream places, a strange yet enormously familiar club-like dance floor checked in black and white, the walls draped in burgundy velvet. We seemed to be the only ones there and music was pulsing all around.

It started out with both of them dancing closer and closer, teasing me with small touches and brushing against me in passing, until finally we were all pressed close together with me in Edward's arms and Jake right up against my back, all of us moving together to the music. What _was_ that damn music? Oh yeah, it was Lynden David Hall's _Sexy Cinderella._

Anyway, it was impossibly sensual and I remember feeling that I was on fire as they both rubbed themselves against me with Edward sucking on my tongue and Jake kissing up and down my neck and behind my ear. Edward's hands were on my hips, pulling me in tightly to rub up against his erection and Jake was close behind me, grinding his swollen groin into my midriff just above my lowrider jeans. Jake's arms were wrapped around me and Edward, holding all three of us together as we danced.

My fantasy life needs to have its mouth washed out with soap and water, it's getting completely out of control. I actually came in my sleep, which never happened before. I woke up on my stomach with one hand between my legs, dripping wet and my hips still moving.

Shit, this is no good, why am I being such a complete tramp? I can't have Edward and Jake both and this bullshit plan to somehow play both ends against the middle to protect myself from feeling too much is just totally fucked up and selfish. But they're so different and I do love them both in different ways. People can do that can't they? Love more than one person? Ah, who am I kidding - all I have to do is remember how it felt yesterday, not telling Edward that I was going out for the day with Jake, to know it's wrong. And I haven't been honest with Jake about Edward either. I need to get a grip before I completely mess everything up.

So, today. Edward and a picnic. Keep it simple, just focus on Edward. Jake's just a friend and that's for the best. Just my sweet friend from way back. My sweet hot friend. Shit.

Something sweet, damn, that's right, I said I'd bring something. I throw together a hot fudge brownie recipe that's foolproof and set it baking while I take a shower then try to figure out what to wear. A skirt, huh? Best not to dwell too much on what Edward meant by that, not unless I want to have to change the new lace panties I've just slipped on to match my front-opening bra. I go with a full skirt of soft Indian cotton that falls to just below my knees as it's sunny now but it'll get cold later. Knee-length leather boots under it and a pretty blouse with a soft ruffled neckline. I pack the brownies in a container and grab my coat as I hear a knock at the door.

Edward's in scuffed old Chucks, Levis and a plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up. He breaks into a smile as he sees me and his green eyes light up. He looks so happy and so damn beautiful it takes my breath away. It should be illegal to be that gorgeous and all I can do is gawp at him, stunned senseless yet again. He does this on purpose, I'm sure of it.

"Coming?" he pulls me to him and kisses my lips softly. Then he puts his mouth to my ear and whispers "You will be," smirking into my neck. Bastard. I stomp past him to the Volvo clutching the brownies and my coat, hearing him chuckle as he follows close behind. He opens the car door, then as I bend to get in his hand cups my ass, copping a feel. And Jesus, those fingers squeezing my butt cheek through the soft fabric of the skirt. I back up slightly and press my ass into his groin, wiggling it a little and he grunts as he grabs my hips and pulls me onto his erection.

"Shit Bella, that skirt…" he gasps.

I wriggle out of his grip. "Save it, Mr Grabby. You said you'd feed me first, remember?"

He groans and adjusts himself as I slip into the seat and slam the door, grinning. He leans on the side of the car, braced on his hands and pushes his junk against the window, grinding there right beside my face. I lean over and kiss it through the glass, knowing he's looking down, watching, and hear a growl outside. I can see we've got an afternoon of stimulating intellectual discussion in store here.

So I decide it's all too fast and loose and I keep my hands to myself once he's in the Volvo and driving. Conversation, I can do that, fogged with lust though my brain is by Edward fuckable Cullen sitting next to me. He's shooting me smoldering glances and driving too fast because he thinks he's getting into my pants as soon as we arrive…wherever we're going. Well, we'll see about that. I can be strong. No, I can. I look out my window feigning nonchalance then tune the radio to the Jesus frequency just to piss him off, pressing my hands between my thighs to keep them out of mischief. Unfortunately that seems to turn him on, so I sit on them instead.

The radio trumpets a last few bars of _When the Saints Go Marching In_ and a midwestern voice starts up.

"This is Pastor Bob Peters here and I want to talk to you today about Teenage Purity."

Edward's head snaps from the road down to the radio, then he gives me a puzzled look. I smile innocently then look back at the forest zipping past outside the window. I have no idea where we are. Presumably headed for some local make-out haunt.

Pastor Bob continues: "In Thessalonians, Paul said: 'For this is the will of God, your sanctification, that you abstain from sexual immorality.' It's not a popular message, but abstinence really is the only answer. It should be patently obvious to all of us that we live in a sex-mad culture, that we live in a culture that is indulging itself in every conceivable and inconceivable sexual activity. You may say: "But it's only natural" or "I can't help myself" but I say to all you young people out there, it's not just about avoiding sexual sin, it's about submitting yourself to God's will, to His authority-"

Click. Edward's turned the radio off and is staring ahead, his lips pursed.

"Sexual sin, huh? And your point is?"

"No, that was Pastor Bob's point. I just thought we needed to cool off a little. I do wonder what he meant by 'inconceivable' sexual activities though."

Edward's tone is dry. "I think that what's inconceivable to Pastor Bob might not be to you or me. He probably didn't spend a whole lot of time in the janitor's closet in High School." He runs his hand through his hair and bites his lip. "You're right though, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for today to be one big fuckfest, I just got carried away. You're just so…and in that skirt…" He sighs.

"My fault too. Grinding my ass into your goodies was pretty inflammatory. You're just so…as well." I smile at him and put my hand on the centre console and he reaches down and takes it. We hold hands as he drives the last mile down a small side road in the forest then parks at a dead end.

We get out and I look around, curious. It's not especially pleasant here, gloomy under the trees, so we must be headed somewhere else. Edward slings a small backpack across one shoulder and I put my coat on and slip the brownie container into his bag. He takes my hand again and leads me into the trees where a faint path vanishes off into the forest.

I pull back and dig my heels in.

"Hang on, I never agreed to any hiking."

"It's only about ten minutes walk Bella."

"Oh yeah, that's what they all say, then it turns out to be thirty minutes of agonising slog. And I bet you're going to be one of those dickheads who charges ahead then waits and the moment I catch up you're off again before I've caught my breath." I glower petulantly. God, I hate fit bastards.

"People have trapped you into unwanted hiking repeatedly in the past then, have they?" He's very entertained, the asshole. "No, trust me, ten minutes tops and I'll carry you if need be."

"In your dreams, Cullen. You'd do anything to press yourself against my womanly curves, wouldn't you?"

"Hell, yes." He grins. "But why would I want you all exhausted before I have my wicked way with you? You're going to need all your stamina for later. Come on."

I snort but follow him down the path. He doesn't end up carrying me but I do trip over a few times and it takes fifteen minutes. Humph.

Finally we step out into a small meadow and I have to admit it's lovely. The long grass is filled with wildflowers and it's completely still and peaceful, warm in the sun.

"OK, you're forgiven. It's beautiful."

"As are you." He leans down and kisses my cheek and I blush. I'm not good with compliments. He brushes the back of his hand down my hot cheek and his eyes are soft.

So we settle on a blanket in the middle of the meadow and he pulls various deli treats out of the backpack - french bread, paté, sundried tomatoes, potato salad. We lie around feasting and drinking sodas, talking about the latest Muse CD and arguing about whether the lyrics in _White Palms_ mean BRMC is secretly a Christian rock group.

It's surprisingly hot even in the relatively weak sun, and I don't need the coat. I push the sleeves up on my blouse and wonder about taking my boots off but I'm mildly worried that my feet might smell, so I don't. Edward strips off his flannel shirt. He's got a tight black T-shirt underneath it and I try hard not to stare at the way it clings to the muscles of his chest and back.

We pack the remains of lunch away and lie side by side on our backs sharing iPod earbuds, eyes closed in the warm sun as he plays some tracks for me. _Stuck in the Metal_ by Eagles Of Death Metal reminds me and I pull out the earbud and sit up, leaning on my elbow.

"I heard you were an EODM fan. Jake said he met you at a concert."

Edward opens one eye and looks at me cautiously. He pauses the iPod and gets up on one elbow too, facing me, and fiddles with a piece of grass between us.

"So you know Jake then?"

"Yeah. We've been friends for years. Lots of summer vacations here with Charlie and Jake's Dad going fishing. I hate fishing almost as much as hiking."

"Ah. Yeah, well I only met him recently. He seems…nice." Edward's got an odd look on his face. "So you and Jake have caught up with each other then, since you came back to Forks?"

"Yeah. There was a barbecue at the rez a week ago." Now's my chance to tell him about yesterday. I think furiously, what to do, what to do? No, Jake's just a friend, there's really no need to tell Edward anything. I chicken out and roll onto my stomach, crossing my ankles above me as I pluck a piece of grass and try to make kazoo noises with it. I glance at Edward but he's staring off at the trees, frowning. Shit, does he know something?

Edward sits up cross-legged. He seems preoccupied. He reaches for the backpack and pulls out a small, battered metal tin. It's weed, and some papers. He sits there and rolls a joint, silent. I shoot sidelong glances at him, noting how obsessively neat he is as he fiddles with the papers.

"Edward, I don't do…weed any more, not after Phoenix."

"Then don't. I do. Only one of my many bad habits." He doesn't meet my eyes.

Fuck, what brought this on? Does he know about yesterday and the kiss? How? Did Jake tell him? Why would he? I sit up as well, facing him and also cross-legged, hands clasped in my lap. My fingers are clenched and my stomach roils with anxiety. Even though the day's still bright it feels as though a cloud's passed across the sun.

"Edward, is something wrong? Did I say something?" Stop now, you'll be apologising next. And for what? It was just a fucking kiss, for Christ's sake.

"No, Bella. It's nothing you said." Meaning what? That it's what I didn't say?

He lights the joint and sucks in a deep breath, holds it for a while then exhales slightly away from me. I smell the familiar odor and it floods me with feelings and memories. The initial glamor of being with James and breaking all the rules, long sensual sessions in James' admittedly somewhat funky bed in the early days, and inevitably, so many times later on when I was stoned and freaking out with James accusing me or ignoring me.

Fuck, why am I here with James #2? Is Edward really any different? I barely know him, and although there's a connection between us that was never there with James, he's clearly trouble. And troubled. I watch from under my lashes as he sucks in another lungful of smoke, carefully not meeting my eyes. Then I think about the last while and how close we've been, the incredible sex, him holding my hand and walking me between classes, that first moment in Biology and how I was captured by his eyes, his hands, his smell. I think about his tears in the janitor's closet. I sigh.

"Ah fuck, give me some then." I hold out my hand. I can't let what we have slip away, so if I have to join him to heal whatever this is, I will.

He looks up at me, surprised. "You don't have to, I don't want you to feel…"

I'm impatient now, and a small part of me wouldn't mind getting fucked up to lessen the anxiety. A small, stupid part. I snap my fingers at him and he hands me the joint. I draw the rough, hot smoke into my lungs and cough convulsively.

"Damn…it's been a while." Silently he hands me a soda and I drink gratefully, then try again, with more success. We finish the joint between us and he stubs it out.

I lie back down on my stomach as the dope kicks in. My ankles are crossed again in the air and the skirt falls back exposing a little thigh to the sun. it feels good and I sigh and rest my head sideways on my arms, staring at a daisy in the grass beside my eye. So common, but lovely and intricate in its own way.

I feel his hand on my thigh, stroking my sun-warmed skin gently, sliding his fingers from the crook of my knee up under the edge of the skirt.

"I like the boots." He murmurs, his voice a little husky. "Very Mistress Bella."

His hand's at the top of my right leg now, tracing the edge of my panties and slipping down my inner thigh, stroking the soft skin between my legs. He shifts closer to me and runs his other hand up my left leg then uses both his hands to spread my knees, kneeling between them. He strokes the gusset of my panties, his fingers firm against the thin fabric as it moves on the soft flesh of my sex, already a little wet from his touching. I moan low in my throat.

"Fucking love this skirt, Bella…" he whispers, pushing it back above my waist to expose my ass and sliding his fingers along the waistband of my panties and across my lower back as I move with his touch. He finds a sweet spot just to the side of the base of my spine and my legs spasm, my back arching helplessly.

"So hot…God you're so hot, Bella…" he almost sounds in pain, groaning the words as he pulls my panties down, over the boots, and off. He wriggles back between my legs and lies there, kissing and licking my ass. It tickles and I giggle and writhe a bit, then he lifts me up a little, slightly onto my knees, and his tongue's curling and flicking up into my folds as I pant and moan. It's a ridiculous position with my ass in the air but I'm far too turned on to feel self-conscious.

"Up, up a little more," he whispers, pushing me further up onto my knees. He rolls over so his face is under me now and pulls me down, gripping my hips and holding me above his mouth. Then he goes to work in earnest, kissing, licking and sucking, running his tongue around my clit and sliding it into my cunt. My arms are outstretched before me, clutching clumps of grass as I whimper and sob. My legs are spread wide apart. They shake and I try to buck but he holds me firm and drives me into a place where my eyes shut and there's nothing but the coiling heat, the building friction and ecstasy between my legs, where I cease to even have legs or a self and just sink into sensation. Somewhere there are feral grunts and moans then the pleasure builds impossibly and it's all screaming and thrashing and wet and burning hot, and I'm writhing on his face as I fall back into myself, sobbing helplessly.

I collapse on the blanket as he slides up beside me, his hand cupping my mound as I spasm a few last times with aftershocks, gasping and clinging to him. He kisses me softly, then licks my lips and his tongue slides against mine, tasting of my sweet salty musk as he opens me and makes free with my mouth.

His hands unbutton my blouse and he finds the front fastening for the bra and groans into my neck, excited, unhooking it quickly and my breasts are in his hands. His mouth fastens on them and he pushes me onto my back, his hips pumping between my legs as he sucks and licks, utterly lost in my tits, his eyes shut, lashes long on his cheeks. I cradle his head and look down at him tenderly as he moans around my nipples.

It feels too good though, so I sit us up and pull off his T-shirt and my blouse and bra. I undo the skirt and slip it off, then push him back on the blanket and unfasten his jeans, pulling off his Chucks first then sliding the Levis down his legs. No boxers. His mouth's swollen and his eyes are hot and unfocussed.

His cock lies on his belly hard and heavy and I want it in my mouth but he stops me and pushes me down on my back, his eyes dark and glazed as he spreads my legs, still in their boots, and leaning on his left arm takes his cock in his other hand, rubbing it up and down my slit muttering _fuck Bella fuck, need to be in you now. _He pushes all the way up inside me, and he's clinging to me like a drowning man, thrusting deeply, his hair hanging into his eyes, driving hard with his back curving over me, his head falling into the crook of my neck. He fills me up and I want more _oh fuck yes Edward more, harder. _I wrap my legs around him so he can feel the boots on his ass. He's gasping now, pumping fast and rough with his hands under me, gripping me as I cling to him and suck him in, my muscles tightening around his thrusting cock as another orgasm wells up and makes me cry out. Then he's quivering all over, grunting as he spills into me.

* * *

It's still only mid-afternoon and warm, so we don't bother dressing. I take the boots off, against Edward's protests, and we remember the brownies and give way to the munchies. Then we laze about on the blanket and smoke another joint, curled up loosely and idly touching each other.

In my stoned state I decide that we need a Truth game. In my version, if the one on the spot refuses to answer or is felt not to be telling the truth, the questioner has to put an article of clothing back on. The way we're feeling, this is a considerable disincentive. We toss a coin and Edward loses.

I sprawl beside him on the blanket, head propped on my hand. "OK, Edward. Jessica Stanley said that Jasper was your boyfriend as well as Alice's. Is that true?"

He lies on his back, eyes closed. "Not any more, well, not my boyfriend ever, really. He let me give him head for a while when we were fifteen. He always turned me on - still does, but he's Alice's now." He turns his head lazily and looks at me with those green eyes. "My turn. Does it bother you that I like men as well, that I've been with guys as well as girls?" He reaches out and traces a circle round my breast, spiralling in to the nipple which hardens as he touches it. Cheating bastard, making it hard to think.

"No, not really. It bothers me a bit that you've been with a lot of other people." Suddenly I think of something and sit up, mildly agitated. "Fuck Edward, we forgot to use a condom. Shit."

"Yeah, I realised afterwards. I'm sorry, I did bring some but I was so fucking hot for you and I just forgot...then I wasn't sure how to raise it. Look, I'm clean, I got tested not so long ago and today is actually the only time I've ever had unprotected sex. But…"

"No, it's OK, I'm on the pill. I was tested a while back but I haven't had sex since then, not until today anyway. But still, we shouldn't take that sort of risk."

We're quiet for a time and he resumes lazily stroking my breasts.

"My turn I think," I say. "So how many people have you had sex with so far? Oral sex included."

He groans and rolls onto his back. "I knew you were going to ask me that. Does it really matter? What if I forfeit that one?"

"I'll be forced to start getting dressed, and it won't be the boots that go back on first."

"Hell. I don't keep an exact score you know. Maybe fifteen?"

I chew that over. It does bother me, but it depends on whether he's still playing the field. I plan to ask that next.

Edward moves to lie beside me and pulls me against him, his arm under my head. He holds me gently. "My turn. Tell me what happened to you in Phoenix - the bad shit you talked about."

I stiffen up and seriously consider forfeiting and letting him get dressed. He strokes my cheek and kisses my hair. But I do need to tell him, and maybe this is the best way.

"I can't do it naked."

He wraps me up in the blanket and sits in the grass, cradling me against him in his arms.

So I tell him, and once I start I can't stop. I give him the details I spared Jake, right up to the end, when James was stalking me. My eyes are dry and I tell the story in a quiet, flat voice, trying not to feel it too much. Edward holds and rocks me, my cheek against his chest as I tell him what I've only ever told Gillian before.

* * *

James had harassed me since I broke up with him. I changed my cell number and made sure not to walk home from school alone. I told Renee that I was being stalked but by then I wasn't getting on with her too well, and I wasn't speaking to Phil at all. Renee had found out that I'd been drinking and smoking weed and her angry, blaming reaction made it harder to tell her exactly how I'd been abused. Phil made things worse as usual, turning her against me as he always did. He needed to control her and he hated that she'd relied on me so much before he latched onto her. Fucking Phil…but that's another story.

I tried to get Renee not to leave me alone at home as well, and for a while that worked, but then Phil insisted that she come to his game that Saturday and in the end she gave way. I wanted to stay with a girlfriend from school, but Phil reminded Renee I was grounded so I was left there at home by myself all afternoon.

I locked the door but that was never much use against James. He picked the lock and found me hiding away in my room, the curtains drawn, trying to manage my fear by re-reading Mansfield Park. I still can't bear to touch that book, which makes me sad.

It was the fear that was the worst really, although what he actually did was bad enough. He had a knife and he threatened to cut my wrists and make it look as though I'd suicided. He said everyone knew I was unstable and that I'd betrayed him and deserved to die. He wasn't sane, the meth had made him paranoid and it was imposible to reason with him. I tried, though. Reasoning, pleading, doing whatever he made me do to stop him from killing me. He raped me, but he gave up after a while, impotent from the meth and blaming it all on me as usual. He went to cut my wrist after that but I pulled away and his knife slashed the back of my hand instead. He lost all control then and went berserk, breaking some of my ribs and my leg with his kicks and blows. If our neighbor hadn't heard my screams and called 911 I think he'd have killed me. He ran off before the cops could catch him, but not before he'd threatened to return and kill me and Renee if I talked to anyone.

They wanted to prosecute but I was no help, saying I didn't see my attacker. Renee felt guilty about leaving me there alone but in the end she was so frustrated with my refusal to talk to the police she lost patience. Then James was arrested for the robbery, which took some pressure off me. So in the end I was left to put myself back together with Gillian's help, feeling betrayed by Renee. I'd moved into the tiny spare room but I hoped that my old bedroom might feel safe again after therapy. It never did - too many bad memories there. So I had to get out, away from the house, the room, Renee, Phil and James. But the memories go with you, wherever you run.

* * *

I finish telling Edward the whole damn mess and he takes my hand where it's scarred and kisses it. Then he presses soft kisses across my cheeks, my brow, my jaw, my mouth.

"He'll never hurt you again Bella, never. You're safe now."

And finally the tears come and I make a corner of the blanket all sodden as he holds me and rubs my back, telling me he loves me.

It's later in the afternoon now, the sun still slanting across us and warming us, but we can't stay in the meadow much longer. I don't want to go home in this washed out, drained state. I want to be comforted.

I take Edward's face in my hands and pull him to me, taking his top lip in my mouth then deepening the kiss. He's careful, tentative, not sure what to do after what I've told him, so I say it's alright, I want him to love me, to make me feel better.

He lays us down in the warm, slightly damp grass with the blanket over us both, and he's kissing me again. It's slow and deep and soft, his tongue sliding gently against mine as his hands caress my breasts and slide across my chest and belly. I stretch out underneath him, writhing against his hands, opening my legs to show that I want him and wrapping them around him.

He moans into my mouth and I feel his cock stiffen against my belly. His mouth's urgent on mine now, his hips moving against me insistently and his hand slides up my leg to the knee then down the back of my thigh to grip my ass. His mouth falls to my breasts again as he pulls back and loosens my legs, spreading them wide again.

I feel his hand on my stomach, moving down, cupping my mound and then his finger slips between my folds. He rests his cheek against the curve of my breast and groans _fuck Bella so wet you're so wet_ as he pushes his hand into the hot place between my legs, pressing the flesh of his palm against me where I need him most. I rub myself desperately against his hand, whimpering. He slides two fingers inside me then, thumb grazing across my clit as he works me. Each time his fingers push into me it makes me shudder and I moan and thrust onto him.

Then his fingers are gone and I groan, needy and desperate, my hands clutching at him. He hitches my leg up around his hip and takes his cock in his hand, pressing it into me just a little. Then he freezes and curses.

"Fuck, forgot the fucking condom again. Shit!"

"Don't care Edward, what's it matter we already did it just fuck me now Edward fuck me now fuck me I need it."

I can't talk properly, it's all one desperate moan and I push myself hard up against him and he's inside me now groaning _oh fuck, yeah_ and thrusting deep and hard, my hands on his tight muscled ass locking him to me as my hips pump and he presses my leg up higher to ram himself deeper, frantic to get right inside me. I want him so hard, I'm all need and hotness and I'm making strange mewing cries as my cunt clenches around him and he's arched up over me gripping my leg and my waist, sliding so deep in and out and then all the way in as he freezes and trembles and groans my name.

We lie under the blanket all tangled up and soft in each other until the last sun leaves the meadow. Then we dress and walk out to the car, holding hands and both tripping on roots in the dim light under the trees.

In the Volvo, we sit for a moment and he takes my hand again on the center console. He leans across and kisses me gently on the lips, then sits back in his seat, turned towards me, his head leaning on the backrest.

"What did you do yesterday?" he asks, his eyes clear as he gazes at me, still holding my hand.

"I went riding with Jake. He kissed me. I liked it but I broke it off after a while." I look down at our joined hands then back at his face. He's still calm, looking at me with those eyes. "I had some stupid idea I could see Jake as well as you and it'd make it easier…I don't know…safer…to be with you. Jake makes me feel safe."

He smiles faintly. "yes, I know."

I swallow but I don't look away from him. "And he's not the kid I used to know. He's hot now."

Edward smile becomes crooked. "Oh yes, he's definitely hot."

He rubs his thumb across my hand and we sit there staring at each other. Then he drives me home.

 


	11. Let's Dance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out Playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

_  
_

_Edward_

I'm tired Monday, dragging myself through a shower, chewing mechanically on cereal and driving more slowly than usual over to collect Bella. I can feel my reactions are off.

I didn't sleep well last night. I'd hoped after the day with Bella that maybe I would, but my fucking brain would not shut down.

I so nearly trashed everything again when it was just damn perfect. The meadow's my favorite place to come and lie about and think. I've never taken a girl there before but it felt right, being there with her.

And she was so sweet and funny, all huffy about walking no distance at all, and in those boots and the skirt, I was battling from the moment she opened her door not to throw her down and just plunge into her. But she schooled me with that asswipe preacher moaning on about abstinence on the radio and got me to cool it, which was just as well because I was getting very damn out of control.

Then she had to raise goddam Jake. Man, I panicked, I was sure she must know we were seeing each other - why else would she be asking me about him? And I couldn't help but push her to see if she'd be honest with me and tell me she'd seen him Saturday, and kissed him. She didn't of course so that kind of got me pissed, but mostly my brain was just grinding on and on about should I tell her. About me. And Jake. That we were fucking.

I didn't of course. Too chickenshit, too afraid she'd be grossed out and furious and that would be that. And then I'd drown in all the crap that's trying to suck me down like quicksand. So I shut down and did what I always do - tried to escape from the fact that I was lying to her and fucking both of them by getting stoned. Even on a perfect afternoon with my girl, I wasn't brave enough to leave the weed alone.

I didn't really want her to get stoned as well, not at first. Just wanted to be a shit and hate myself and make her hate me too, like she should. I'm fucking bad news, she should steer well clear. But she joined me, and the buzz and the sun on her skin…I just couldn't keep the moody shit going, I had to touch her.

So good, loving Bella. Her skin was soft and warm from the sun and she smelled so fantastic it made me moan and just bury my nose in her, licking her sweet round ass cheeks and ah fuck the taste of her cunt and to have her moving on my face, coming in my mouth. I was ecstatic, just burning all over and my cock was so hard, so fucking hard.

Then she had a front-opening bra and I thought I was in heaven when her tits were in my mouth. Fuck do I love Bella's tits, I'm rock hard now just remembering how they felt and tasted. Damn, I have to calm down and stop perving about her, I'll be at her place in five minutes. I can't let myself dream about being inside her…oh God, how it felt when I thrust up inside her, I have to pull over and beat off or I'm going to jizz my pants. No, fuck no, get a fucking grip dickhead you can't beat off at the side of the road in fucking Forks. Not cool. Shit. Fuck.

OK, remember the bad stuff, that'll cockblock me for sure. Having to fess up to whoring around, although she doesn't seem bothered that I've been with guys. Would she handle the Jake thing? Yeah but I'm _still_ fucking him. _And _her. That's _not_ gonna go down well. No.

And the stuff she told me about that terminal asshole in Phoenix and what he did. Hardest thing I've ever done, holding her and just listening and looking after her. Because I wanted to lose it so bad, I wanted to smash things and tear branches off the trees and just fucking let rip. I wanted to kill him.

But she needed me to hold her and comfort her so I did. And afterwards she needed me to love her again so I showed her that it didn't matter, that whatever she'd been through didn't change how I felt. I showed her with my mouth and my hands and my cock inside her just loving her…and ah fuck I'm hard again. Jesus, I want her.

I want her and I'm so fucked. Because I have to tell her about Jake, and then what?

"Hey Bella, just thought I'd mention that while we've been having this really intense relationship with sex that literally makes me see God, I've also been screwing your old friend Jake."

Yeah, that's going to be such a fun chat.

So that's what's keeping me up at night, pacing, terrified. I mean she finally told me she kissed him, in the car when she was all loose and open from the dope and sharing and mindblowing sex. And then I have to say "he's definitely hot" which he is, but what's she going to make of that? Has she guessed?

So now I'm at her house, all fucked up and desperate. My cock's aching for her and my heart's beating out of my chest and my brain hurts. And it's Monday morning before school and this shit cannot go on, I'm not going to make it, I'll burst a blood vessel or something.

Then she opens the door and smiles at me and I just feel right. Something clicks into place and I stop spinning out. Nothing's solved but for now it's alright, for now I can cope.

Bella's with me and I'm home.

So I take her bag and hold her hand and we go to school.

* * *

 

Bella

I opened the door and he looked so lost and desperate. Drawn and tired, dark circles under his eyes like bruises. Then he smiled and some of the tension left his face. Still beautiful, how can he look so shattered and so beautiful all at once, his green eyes dark and haunted. Totally unfair.

How can I get him to talk to me? Something's eating at him, something that frightens me if it makes him look like that. Is it what he was hinting at earlier, this thing in his past that he feels so guilty about? But why is it so much worse today when he was mostly OK on Sunday?

Well, not entirely OK I guess, he did go weird on me when he shut off and pulled out the weed. It was after I asked about Jake, and I had to tell him in the end, in the car. I had to tell him I went out with Jake and kissed him. Is that it? He seemed to take it calmly at the time but maybe it's eaten away at him since. Ah crap, that must be it - he's jealous and he hates me because I went with Jake. But he doesn't seem angry with me - wouldn't he be angry? He seems to want to touch me and he's sticking to me like we're joined at the hip. I can't fucking figure him out.

We get through the day, quiet at lunchtime, just holding hands and he doesn't eat anything. And then after school he drives me home but when we get inside all he wants to do is just lie on my bed and hold me. I stroke his hair and he curls into me and goes to sleep for an hour. I have to wake him up in the end so I can make Charlie's dinner. So hard to wake him, I just want to hold him and keep him safe and let him sleep.

* * *

Tuesday at lunch and Alice is all aquiver. Their parents are off at some reunion in Portland for the weekend, away from Friday through until Monday. Emmett's in charge and they're planning a party.

"Saturday night, Bella, going to be such fun. Come and stay over, go on, I'll talk Charlie around. He doesn't need to know about the party, we'll call it a sleepover. Now, we need a theme."

"Please, Alice, not costumes. I hate costume parties."

I'm not mad keen on parties of any sort really. Noise and drunk groping guys and not knowing anyone. Trying to make inane shouted conversation or wandering from room to room desperate to find a corner to hide in. Stupid costumes are an extra irritation. And I don't dance. But it's at Edward's and he'll be there with me so of course I want to go.

I glance at Edward and his face is hard to read. There's a spark of something - excitement? Hope? But he's still preoccupied.

He leans in and whispers: "Sleepover with me Bella, please."

A shudder runs through me from his lips and hot breath on my ear.

"Yes OK, Alice, I'd love to come."

Edward chuckles into my neck and I elbow him. _Coming? You will be… _Smug bastard, I'll show him.

"Leather and Lace," Alice announces. "That's the theme. Leather and Lace. You have to wear one or the other."

Edward grins at me, batting his lashes. "You wear the leather Bella, I'll wear the lace."

"Edward!" Alice cuffs him. "OK, I'm off to spread the word. Partytime, yay!"

She bounces off, dragging an eye-rolling Jasper in tow.

* * *

Other than the minor excitement of the looming party and parent-free weekend, the week goes by quietly. Edward's still a bit brooding on Wednesday and he still just wants to hold me and kiss after school. I walk him down to the front door when Charlie's due back for dinner. We kiss on the step then he pushes my hair back behind my ear, pulling me to him to nuzzle my neck.

"Looking forward to the party?"

"Not really, Edward. I _am_ looking forward to being with you though. To…sleeping over."

I grin at him and run my tongue around my lips suggestively.

He smirks and pulls me tighter against him. "Mmmm, me too. Hey, I was thinking, why don't you invite Jake? He'd probably enjoy the party don't you think?"

"Jake?" I'm surprised. I mean, I'd like to and yes, he loves parties and having a good time. But I thought Edward…maybe he's not jealous and it's something else he's been upset about? Huh.

"Well yes, if that's OK. He'd love to come."

Edward's eyes are mischievous - now what's he smirking about? "He'll have no problem with Alice's theme, anyway…"

"Yeah," I grin. "What with the bike." Jake must wear the leathers all the damn time, I guess Edward saw him in them at the concert in Seattle.

Edward presses his lips to mine again. "See you in the morning, Bella."

He seems less moody the rest of the week. Maybe he's looking forward to the party?

I call Jake and he's keen of course. We chat for a while and he makes me laugh with stories about Quil and Embry's dating dramas. So I'll see him Saturday. I clamshell my phone and sit there, wondering how that's going to go - Jake and me and Edward in the same place. It's beginning to dawn on me that it might be a little tricky. Surely they'll be civilised with each other? Edward suggested I invite Jake after all. Hmmm.

I still think we need to talk, or at least he needs to tell me what's eating him, but there's never a good moment. Maybe he's avoiding the issue, steering me away whenever he senses me gearing up to ask him. And I'm easily distracted around him with his lips in my hair and on my neck, his hands holding me close to him and stroking me.

* * *

By the time Saturday arrives I'm so worked up by his touches and kisses I feel like a volcano that's making the seismologists shake their heads and pore over tracings.

I take some time in the afternoon figuring out my outfit, for Alice's damn theme.

Lacy bra and boyshorts, check.  
A tight white blouse with lace at the collar and cuffs, check. The buttons undone down to my cleavage of course.  
My tan leather mini-skirt from Phoenix, check. It's shorter than I'm really comfortable with but hell, this is a party after all.  
A wide black leather belt with studs for around my hips, check.  
And my black leather boots to the knee, check.

Some dark gray eye shadow and strawberry lip gloss and I'm pleased with the end result. It's a lot edgier than I usually wear to school and I'm happy to bust out of the mold for a change. I smirk at myself in the mirror: this is going to bring Edward to his knees. Hopefully literally.

Alice asked me to head over to the Cullen residence about six o'clock to help her with the last arrangements, so I pile my overnight bag and my leather and laced-up self into the old rust-heap, trying not to rip my skirt to shreds on the edge of the damn door. Fucking truck's a death-trap.

I help Alice string some lights and set out snacks. Edward's out picking up even more lights and putting them up by the turn-off to the Cullen driveway. Alice can never get enough sparkly lights, it seems. He gets back while I'm in Alice's room helping her to dress, and knocks on the door, but we send him packing. Alice is stunning in a low-cut red lace top, skin-tight black leather pants and spike-heel boots.

Finally we emerge and head downstairs. Jasper and Edward are in the kitchen having a beer as we make our entrance. Both their jaws drop as we pose dramatically in the doorway.

I have to admit, the guys look pretty good themselves. Jazz is wearing black leather pants as well, and a thin leather tie loosely knotted over an old Judas Priest _Hell Bent for Leather_ T-shirt. Nice one, Jazz.

Edward has his black skinny jeans on and a moss green button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled. He's got a black leather waistcoat on over the shirt which is open so that I can see his throat and a delicious glimpse of chest. His hair's mussed up as usual, and he's got the guyliner on again. As I walk across to him I realise that he hasn't worn it for a while. Mostly I don't miss it, but for special occasions, I have to admit it's hot.

He's leaning back against the counter smirking, his long legs spread out in front of him. I walk into the crook of his legs and he parks the beer, his hands coming down to my waist to pull me in closer.

"Damn, you're looking good Bella, I'm going to have my work cut out keeping all the horndog guys from hitting on you." He kisses my neck, careful not to mess up my lip-glossed mouth. Well trained by Alice no doubt.

I grab the edges of his waistcoat and pull him down to me, rubbing my nose along his jaw line.

"Looking pretty dazzling yourself, Cullen" I murmur, tilting my head back to look at his face, the clear green eyes, the strong planes and sweet mouth. "And I'm gonna have to fend off the guys and the girls both with you in that outfit."

His eyes widen, then he grins wickedly. "Dazzling, huh? Do I dazzle you, baby?"

"Frequently."

I run my fingers through his hair and he leans into it and shivers a little, his eyes closing. I want to drag him upstairs right now but no, we have to stay and socialise. Mentally calculating when I can reasonably kidnap him and lock us in his room, I take his hand and we wander off to meet and greet the guests as they arrive.

* * *

 

_Edward_

The party's well underway and Emmett's running the rap playlist I made for him, dancing hard with Rosalie who's in full dominatrix mode. The living room's full of mostly middle-class white kids grinding and sticking their booties out and doing bad attempts at jazz hands. Actually it's kind of amusing and I hear Bella give a soft snort beside me.

I pull her into my lap on the couch and she giggles and snuggles into my neck. She's a little tipsy from the whiskey sours that I made with some JD. They go down easy and pack quite a punch. I like how she feels with the whiskey on board - all soft and loose and wanting. Some of that's the effect of the whiskey on me as well, but I'm not drunk, I can soak it up better than she can. She's so small and I feel protective. I push my nose into her hair: smells so good.

Then Bella squeals and wriggles off my lap. What the fuck? Oh, it's Jake, Jake's arrived. He's in his bike leathers of course, the jacket open and a black wifebeater showing. Damn he's hot as he grins down at us, his head tilted to one side.

Bella flings herself at him for a hug. The drinks have made her pretty loose with Jake as well I guess and he makes the most of it, the bastard, wrapping her up in his big arms and kissing her neck. The fucker winks at me over her shoulder and I'm pissed but I'm excited too. I don't mind seeing her in Jake's arms as much as I should. I know what he's telling me with that wink, what he's reminding me about. My mouth goes dry and my breathing quickens.

When I told Bella to invite him I wasn't thinking about it - it just came out. Then I realised that some part of me wanted to get all three of us together to sort this mess out somehow. I couldn't simply tell Bella, couldn't sit her down and lay it all out for her then watch her freeze over and walk away disgusted with me. But maybe if something just happened?

Hell. I run my hands through my hair. This is fucking risky. Probably going to be a complete fucking disaster. I need a drink.

"Hey, Jake, good to see you again." I eye him meaningfully. Do _not_ fuck this up, Jake, no touchie-feelies to freak her out. Not yet…I step forward and do the guy shoulder-punch thing. Casual, keep it light. Acquaintances, concert buddies, that's all.

Jake grins and gives me a small mocking salute. "Hey, Edward, ditto. How you been?"

"Pretty good, man - let's get you a drink, c'mon."

I put my arm around Bella's shoulders and steer Jake towards the kitchen, my other hand on his back. Is that too close? Do guys touch each other like that if they hardly know each other? I take my hand away. Shit. In the kitchen I get Jake a beer and make another round of whiskey sours for me and Bella. They lean on the counter chatting away while I bustle about with lemons and cracked ice, acutely aware of both of them.

"So are you gonna show us around the mansion, Eds?"

Bella looks at me sideways - no-one ever calls me anything but Edward. I pretend I haven't noticed.

"Bella's already seen most of it but yeah, if you like."

I check with Bella, raising an eyebrow, and she smiles.

"It's not a mansion, anyway."

Jake does a stage whisper to Bella. "Not a mansion, Bells, just like something off _Cribs_."

I ignore him and lead them out and down the hallway, into the dining room. Out of the corner of my eye I see that Jake's taken Bella's hand.

"Oops."

A couple from school are making out on the dining room table.

"Mind the fucking French polish" I snarl, backing out again.

"Occupied" I say, and Jake smirks.

Bella giggles and elbows him then teeters a little, slightly unsteady. Jake slips an arm around her waist.

"Whoopsie sweetheart, Eds been hitting you with too many of those naughty little drinks then?"

"Has not. M'not drunk."

She pushes his arm away, sniffing hautily and running her hands down herself trying to straighten her clothes. She's aiming at dignified but only manages to look half-cut and fucking hot, with her flushed cheeks and slightly glazed eyes. Jake and I are both staring at her with our mouths open, hell, we're almost fucking panting.

"He's not Eds he's Edward, anyways."

She walks across the hallway to me, only swaying a little. "_My_ Edward," she says emphatically, kissing me on the lips.

"Yeah baby, _your_ Edward." I so fucking am. She's warm and soft against me and she owns me. I groan a little as she presses her hips into my aching swollen cock. God she's sexy when she's lit up. Her mouth's hot on mine again and I can't say no.

Jake's come up close behind her. He runs his hand down her back and cups her ass and she shudders and moans into my mouth. I'm not sure she even realises who touched her. Damn, she really is quite drunk, I've blown it.

I look across at Jake past Bella's hair and shake my head slightly. He frowns at me, pissed that I let her get like this.

"Come on, Bells" he says, "you're practically falling down there. You need to lie down or get some coffee or something."

I tip her chin up and push her away from me a little, but I don't let go of her. I'm not sure that she'd stay upright if I did.

"M'OK, _Eds_." She grins at me, knowing I don't like nicknames, teasing . "Coffee, need coffee."

I'm not sure that's going to do it but I take her back to the kitchen and get a brew on. Jake settles Bella into one of the kitchen chairs and sits beside her. She leans over and rests her head on his chest and he puts an arm around her, rubbing her upper arm where he's holding her and whispering in her ear.

I lean back against the counter by the cook top opposite them, trying to figure out how I feel, seeing him so close to her. Jealous, excited, confused, but I mind it less than I'd expected. Jake looks up then, meeting my eyes, his gaze dark. He gives me a stare that's full of desire and I feel my cock twitch. He bends his head and kisses her hair, giving me that hot stare all the while. Fuck. I'm so hard, breathing heavily, gripping the counter with white knuckles.

The door bangs open and a group of revellers half falls into the room, talking and laughing loudly. I recognise them - Jessica Stanley and Mike Newton and that prick Tyler as well - I'm sure he tried hitting on Bella. I turn and take the coffee off the heat, pulling out mugs from the cupboard and cream and sugar for the table.

"Hey Ed-ward" Jessica slurs drunkenly, sashaying around the table and rubbing herself against me in a revolting manner. My hands are full with the coffee pot and mugs so I can't fend her off. I try to edge away but she's like a soused fucking limpet. She smells of beer, sweat and cheap scent.

"Hands off, skank!" Bella's pushed herself away from Jake and half-risen, hands on the table, glaring at Jessica. "Get your fucking claws off him, Stanley," Bella growls. Jessica giggles and Newton and Tyler leer and start calling for a catfight.

"Mud wrestling!"

"Throwdown, bitches!"

I slam the things down on the table and peel Jessica off of me, pushing her roughly back at Newton who catches her and reels back though the open kitchen door. They stagger off again, Tyler following, laughing and jeering. I slam the door.

"Jesus!" I pour Bella a coffee, fixing it how she likes, with cream and two sugars.

"Coffee, Jake?" He nods so I make us all one. He takes his black, sipping at it as he teases Bella about her spat with Jessica.

Bella's more alert after the excitement, and she sucks down the coffee and pushes her mug across the table at me. I make her a refill.

Emmett's moved on to an R&amp;B playlist now and I hear it filtering through the walls, the volume's up so loud. No neighbours to come stomping over threatening to get the cops to shut us down out here in the forest, thank Christ. None to tell Carlisle and Esme we've been bad in their absence.

Quite how bad, I hope they'll never know.

"We should have a dance," Jake says, "burn off some of that alcohol."

"Don't dance," Bella says firmly, shaking her head. She stops shaking it and looks a little sick. "Oops, don't do that," she mutters to herself.

"Come and watch us, then," Jake says cheerfully, pulling her up.

She knocks back the last of the coffee then he takes her hand and drags her away. I follow, unsure what to do. He can't make her dance, I know she won't go for that. I'd love to dance with her but she never lets me.

The living room's not quite as crowded as it was when Emmett had the rap on. Several couples are slow-dancing in the dim light to a Mary J Blige track. Jake tries to get Bella to dance with him but she pulls back and slumps onto the couch, her legs sprawled. He shrugs and starts moving anyway.

I slip in beside her and draw her towards me, putting my arm around her thighs and pulling them together as I do. "Legs together now, Bella," I warn her. Fucking mini-skirt, letting any horny bastard see what's mine. I kiss her and settle her into the corner with her legs demurely together.

Bella chuckles. "Sorry, Eds, did I show off the goodies too much for your liking?" She ruffles my hair, grinning.

"Minx. Keep yourself decent while I have a dance too." She snorts and I kiss her nose, then join Jake.

_Family Affair_ ends and the slower rhythms of _Don't Waste Your Time_ drift across the room as I join the dancers. Jake's swaying, his hips grinding, dark eyes on me. I shoot a warning look at him: not in public. I dance well away from him but it's hard with the others on the floor all couples locked together. It makes us dance with each other, even if we're across the room.

My spins and turns unconsciously echo his and he steps and dips in tandem. Without meaning to we move closer until we're only two feet away, moving in a tight gyration, intensely aware of each other.

I look across at the couch and Bella's watching us, her mouth slightly open, eyes wide. I'm turned on anyway with the dancing and Jake, and it pushes me over the edge. I move in and put my arms around his neck, pulling him against me as we move. He raises an eyebrow and grins, then his hands cup my ass and he starts grinding against me.

Jesus. My eyes almost roll back in my head as he presses against my cock which is straining in my tight jeans. I growl and then moan as he pushes his leg between my thighs and rotates his hips in a frank dirty dancing move, squeezing my ass all the while. Fuck I want to kiss him and I'm staring at him, panting, one hand gripping his shoulder and the other knotted in his hair, tipping his head back as he gives me that hot stare under his half-closed eyelids and fucks me with his muscular thigh.

Then he turns me and pulls me back against him, hands on my hips as we move together. I feel his hard cock pressing on my ass and his hair brushes my neck as he puts his lips to my ear and whispers.

"Open your eyes Edward."

Our hips are gyrating, Jake's hands on my waist and mine on his as I sway and bend. I drag my eyes open. We're facing Bella on the couch and she's completely transfixed. Her mouth's open and she's biting her lip. She's unconsciously moving with the music, with our movements, making small thrusts with her pelvis as her hands clench and unclench on the couch beside her.

I groan and my head falls back onto Jake's shoulder as he presses his leg between mine again and dips us into a half-crouch then spins me back to grind with him again.

"Time to take it upstairs, baby, before I fucking lose it." He bites my neck and I shudder.

"Yes, upstairs." My voice is hoarse.

We separate, still swaying to the beat as we move over to the couch and I put my hand out to Bella. She takes it and stands, staring at me, her eyes hooded. She seems steadier now, hopefully the coffee's kicking in. I pull her against me and head for the door. Jake's vanished, probably gone on ahead.

I brush past various gawpers on the way to the stairs. Well, that's cemented our reputations at Forks High then. Fuck them all, I just want to get upstairs and have them both to myself.

As soon as we get away from the party and up to the third floor I push Bella against the wall and press myself against her, my hand on her ass, my other hand kneading her breast. Her mouth opens against mine and she's kissing me desperately, her tongue in my mouth all hot and excited, her arms tight around my chest. I'm so turned on by Jake I can hardly stand it, I want to ravage her there on the landing.

"Come on, kiddies, don't start without me."

Jake's deep voice is amused and a little ragged as he watches us, leaning against my bedroom door. Oh yeah, I locked it to keep randy teenagers out. Time to change that.

I pull Bella along impatiently, dropping her hand to find the key and open the door.

"Why not, Jake, you two started without me…" I hear her murmur behind me.

I reach back for her hand and draw her into the room as she hooks a finger in Jake's leather belt and pulls him after us.

 


	12. Pas des Trois

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

_   
_

_Bella_

Those whiskey thingies Edward makes are fucking lethal. They taste so good, that's the trouble. By the time I realise I'm drunk, it's way too late.

That last one I had after Jake arrived tipped me straight into the drunk-as-a-skunk zone, or maybe that should be drunk-as-a-skank, the way I'm feeling. I want to hug everyone, well mostly my Edward and Jake, so I do. They don't mind, they're my boys. Good boys. Love those boys.

And they're getting on just great, so cool. Edward even lets Jake call him Eds, which is cute. But that's Jake, he's not into the formal crap. So they're sweet with each other, all friendly, not doing that macho guy bullshit stuff like pissing on each other's legs or on me - is that what I mean? You know, like dogs. Whatever. That would make me the bitch, snort. Bitch in heat, yeah. OK, change the topic.

Jakey's all worried about me cos I'm a little bit whoopsie in the hallway. Or maybe it's cos I snogged Edward and he didn't like it? Almost thought he was gonna join in there though, he was snuggling right up. Maybe he felt left out. Don't want him to feel left out, poor Jakey.

OK, Jake's right, drunk Bella's not cool. Coffee coffee coffee. Hit me with it. Jakey snuggles up to me there in the kitchen, whispering with me about my Edward. Edward's all organised, making the coffee, Captain Sensible. He's so pretty. I tell Jake how pretty he is and Jake thinks so too! Way to go, girlfriend. So we watch Edward being Captain Sensible and whisper about how hot he is with his pretty eyes and his sweet mouth and his long fingers. Such fun.

Then in comes bitch Stanley and the two douchebags and she fucking puts her paws all over my Edward. Fucking cunt needs to die, I'd end her if I could get away from Jake but he's holding onto me so I just rip her a new asshole with my mouth and Edward gets rid of them all. Fucktards. Whole school's full of them, fuck them. 'Cept Edward's family and Jazz, they're OK. An' maybe Rosalie but she's kind of a bitch. Yeah.

I'm all worked up after the Stanley skirmish and the coffee's kicking in a bit and it's still not good if I move too fast or shake my head, gets a bit spinny then, but I feel a lot clearer and not like I'm gonna fall over any more. Nice save boys, Bella is back.

But I'm not so back I'm gonna do dancing, hah, forget it Jake. Two left feet doesn't even cover it. So I'm on the couch and Edward gives me a cuddle and he's so funny worrying about me giving everyone a peepshow and pushing my legs together. Dadward.

Nice music, dreamy and funky, and the boys are dancing. Damn they can dance, they're hot boys, no wonder I want them. Oops, not s'posed to be thinking like that. Naughty Bella. But they just go so well together, they seem so close. Can they really have just met the once at that concert? Wonder if they…could they? Edward said Jake was hot last Sunday…and Jake in the kitchen before, talking about Edward like he wanted to…wow.

Edward likes guys, but I thought Jake was straight…but in the kitchen, he was talking about Eds as though…maybe they did more than just go to the concert that time? Maybe they…? Damn, that'd be hot, it's making me wet just thinking about them kissing.

I watch them move and they're dancing a lot closer now. I can't focus on anyone else in the room, all the couples slow dancing and necking and groping in the half-dark. All I can see is Edward and Jake as they slide and sway, closer and closer 'til they're dancing with each other now, God that's hot. They're so fucking sexy as they move around each other, not quite touching, teasing each other and fuck yes, they're definitely flirting. Oh my God, I want them to touch, that's so fucking hot.

Oh man - Edward's looking right at me and he can see how turned on I am. His eyes are all dark and sexy and he's putting his arms around Jake's neck and Jake's pulling him in and I think I'm gonna come on the spot as they grind together. Hot hot hot and I'm wet and the music's throbbing and I'm clenching in time as they damn near fuck each other there on the dancefloor.

Jake's spinning Edward around now and oh Jesus rubbing against his ass, man I'm gonna fucking melt. Edward's looking over at me again and it's like there's a laser beam joining us and making me want him so bad. I need to go upstairs with them, need to touch them both. I need to see them kiss and hold each other. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't care, they just turn me on so much and I want them both. Greedy, naughty, dirty Bella. Bad Bella. Hot Bella.

Edward's here now. Edward. He takes my hand and we're going upstairs and a few lamebrains in the hall are staring but they can kiss my ass I don't give a shit. Just want to get him away from them all and fuck his brains out and do sexy things with him and Jake. Anything, Jeez I'd do anything for my boys they're so hot and sweet and did I mention hot?

Edward's feeling the same - his hands are all over me as we climb the stairs. If Jake wasn't waiting I think he'd fuck me right there, just bend me over on the third floor stairs and push up my stupid little skirt and stick his cock in me. He's got me up against the wall the second we reach his landing and I'm desperate to kiss him, sticking my tongue in his mouth like an animal, fuck he tastes good.

And there's Jakey, waiting by the door all big and hard and grinning in his leathers. They're both so hot…Jesus I want them, I want their cocks in my mouth and in my hands and I want to kiss them and I want, I want…all of it, all of them, all of us. I want the dream.

* * *

 

_Jake_

We stumble into Edward's room together. The lamp by his bed's on and he says something about music and goes to the desk and fiddles with his laptop. Typical Eds, I bet he's got a Music-for-fucking-Jake-and-Bella playlist on there. Insane dude but you gotta love him.

Bella leans back on me all soft and sexy. I just have to push her hair aside and kiss her sweet neck and she smells so damn good. I put my arms round her and hold her tits in my hands, I can't fucking help myself but she doesn't mind, she's liking it and she reaches up and pulls my head down for a kiss. Then she's doing song requests with the DJ, crazy pair that they are.

"Hey, Edward, have you got _Sexy Cinderella_ on there?"

"Yeah - that UK R&amp;B guy that died? Lynden something? You want to hear it?"

"Yeah. I had a dream about you and me and Jake all dancing together to that song. But I can't dance so you two have to do it for me. Can we do that? It's sort of my fantasy…"

Fucking incredible - she dreamed about all three of us? How hot is that?

So Edward's found the track and he puts it on repeat or something and it's a nice number, easy to move to. Edward's stopped dicking with the laptop now and he's checked the door's locked and he's grinning as he walks back over.

"OK then, Bella, you're the director, so tell us how this goes."

He thinks she's cute too, wanting to play out her fantasy.

"We were all dancing, together. Jake like he is, and you come here…"

She pulls him in and puts her arms round his waist and he's kissing her again, his hands holding her face as I suck and lick her neck and grind on her ass.

She comes up for air, breathless and laughing. "Yeah, like that but your hands were down here." She puts his hands on her hips. "And Jake's were around both of us. And you need to dance a little too, OK?"

Edward pulls her close and I rub my chin on her hair and smile into his eyes. I reach my arms around him so we're all pressed tight together, and I slide my hands up under his waistcoat and stroke his back. Edward leans across Bella's shoulder and I tilt in and we kiss. He slides his tongue into my mouth just a little and runs it around my lips, then pulls back. We each put our cheek against Bella's soft hair, one on each side and we move real gently, swaying and grinding just a little to the sweet, sexy music. Man it's nice, like we're just one creature, all warm and tingling and joined together.

I close my eyes and just move and feel Bella against me and Edward in my arms. Fuck I'm happy.

* * *

 

_Edward_

Jake's hands are hot on my back and Bella's soft in front of me, her breasts pressed to my chest. Her arms are around my waist and I feel so…enfolded, that's the only word. Best feeling ever. I don't want to break it off but we can't stay there all night just swaying so after a few minutes I gently disengage, smiling at Jake and pressing a kiss to Bella's forehead.

I set the playlist I made for tonight running from my laptop. Yeah I planned ahead, so what? We need a little cover music in case things get heated. Still going to have to keep it down though.

It's going better than I ever dared hope, and somehow Bella wants it too, she wants me and Jake I mean. She even dreamed about us all together.

Leaning on my desk I watch them. Jake's turned her around and he's kissing her deeply, bending over her and pulling her up into his arms. She's melted against him and his hand's on her ass, pressing her to him as his hips move slowly against her. I want them both so much that it makes it easier than I thought to see her with him like this - in fact it turns me on.

I slip off my waistcoat and hang it on the swivel chair by the desk. I'm unbuttoning my shirt as I walk back over and I slip it off and let Jake look at me while he's kissing Bella. He lifts his hand from her ass and beckons me in, then reaches out and rolls my nipple in his fingers, making me hiss as his other hand hooks in the waistband of my jeans and pulls me in closer.

I slide my hands down her sides, down to her waist and over her hips. I press in against her and Jake's hands cup my ass as my hands slip in between them and squeeze Bella's breasts. She breaks off the kiss then, gasping, and pushes Jake back a little.

"Oh boy, I need a little space, I feel sort of squished here." But she's laughing and stroking Jake's face and she puts her hand over mine where I'm holding her breast.

I kiss her neck softly. "So tell us what you want, Bella. We don't want to make you feel weird. Both of us love you, you know that, huh?"

Jake strokes her hair and she leans into his hand, giving my lips more access to her throat. I take advantage, kissing down her neck.

"Yeah, I know. It's OK, I feel good."

She turns, resting back against Jake, and runs her hands over my bare chest. I close my eyes for a moment, savoring her touch.

"You two were so hot downstairs, both dancing like that. I wanted to see you kiss…would you do that, would you kiss for me?"

She looks a little anxious, silly Bella. Would we do that? I smirk and raise my eyebrow at Jake and he gives me a sexy grin. Yeah, I think we'd do that.

I turn her around again. "Take off Jake's jacket, Bella," I suggest. "And his wifebeater."

He stands there smiling at us as she slips them off. She takes them over and dumps them on my armchair, then goes to sit on the foot of the bed, watching us avidly. We move towards each other and I know we're going to give her a show, and it turns me on.

Jake bends me back a little like a goddam perfume ad and tilts his head, his mouth open as he leans in and kisses me, his tongue flickering around my lips then sliding into my mouth. It's fucking hot knowing Bella's watching and I moan and my hand goes into his hair, pulling him closer, kissing him hungrily as I grip his ass and grind against him.

His hands are sliding across my back, then he reaches in between us and he's undone my jeans a little. He slides his hands round my waist inside the waistband, then down inside my jeans to cup my bare ass. Christ that feels good and I'm so fucking hard as I rub myself against him and press on his erection. I grip his ass too through the leather, sliding my hands as far down between his thighs as I can and he breaks off the kiss with a groan and attacks my neck, licking and biting up and down my throat.

"Jake…" I moan letting my head fall back as his tongue swirls across my adam's apple and he sucks on my collar bone.

Then Jake spins me around and pulls me back against him like he did downstairs in the dance so we're both facing Bella. My eyes are half closed but I see how turned on she is, eyes wide and dark, her breath ragged as she watches. I'm panting myself and my arms go up around his head, pulling him down as he kisses my neck. His hands are on my cock, stroking me through my jeans, cupping my balls then running his big thumb up and down my shaft. My eyes fall shut and fuck I'm so hard and I want her to see us, I want her to see Jake's hands making me hard as I thrust into his touch.

"Oh holy fuck…" Jake moans, gasping now. "Yeah, Bella, oh baby…"

And I open my eyes. Her legs are spread wide in those hot fucking boots and I get a glimpse of white lacy shorts under her skirt. She's undoing her blouse and as it falls open I see her breasts swelling out of her bra, nipples swollen. She's biting her lip and her eyes are half-shut and she's moving her hips as she watches us. I've never seen anything so fucking hot in my entire life.

Jake's hand is frantic on my cock now and I'm grunting and close to coming in my jeans but somehow I stop him, I still his hand then grab it and pull him behind me, stumbling over to the bed.

I fall on my knees there with Bella and I hold her and kiss her mouth hard and my hand runs up her thigh and pushes the lace aside. Two of my fingers slide around her clit, circling and stroking and making her moan, then up into her cunt. I feel Jake kneeling close behind me. He pushes down my jeans and he's taken my cock and I groan into Bella's mouth as he slides his hand up and down my leaking, slippery shaft.

Bella rests her forehead on my shoulder and she looks down at my hand inside her and Jake's hand stroking my cock. She puts her arms loosely on my shoulders and thrusts gently on my hand. She's making soft, grunting sounds as my thumb slides over her clit. Jake reaches around me and pinches her nipple through her bra while he's working my cock, making her gasp and thrust harder.

I need to taste her so I push her back flat on the bed and pull the boy shorts off over her boots. I push her skirt up and spread her legs wide.

Then I bend in and run my tongue around and across her clit, teasing and sucking, gripping her hips with my hands as she thrusts and cries out. Jake cups my balls and I'm moaning against her as he pumps my cock faster, holding me tight against him, his chest warm on the skin of my back. I suck on her harder and ram my fingers deep up inside and she's writhing and whimpering on the bed, bucking up into my mouth and grabbing at the covers.

Jake's tongue is wet on me then he bites my shoulder and his big, hot hand's jerking my cock and I'm coming, spurting hot in his hand as I cry out and rub my face frantically in Bella's slick folds while she spasms on my fingers.

I fall forward onto her, clutching her around the waist, my face on the rucked-up folds of her skirt. Jake kneels behind me, his hand on my ass stroking gently as I catch my breath. Jesus, that was intense.

Bella lies there spent, her eyes shut and her breathing loud. Jake lifts me up and we stand while I kick off my boots and jeans.

I find him some tissues then I kiss him gently. He licks Bella's taste from my face as I unbuckle his belt, pushing down his pants. He sits on the bed beside Bella, pants round his ankles and reaches around to stroke the bare skin below her breasts, brushing the back of his knuckles across her torso.

She opens her eyes and looks at him, raising her hand and running her fingers down the muscles of his forearm.

"Your turn now, Jake," she says, smiling.

I pull off his boots and get rid of his pants and Jake rolls onto the bed beside Bella and undoes the fastenings of her bra. He makes a soft noise in his throat then bends his head and takes her breast into his mouth, rolling her other nipple in his fingers. Bella whimpers and her head falls back as I walk around the bed.

"You're overdressed, love," I whisper to her, kneeling at the end of the mattress where my come's splashed across the gold bedspread. Mental note: laundry day tomorrow.

I unzip Bella's boots and slip them off, then the skirt. Jake's lips are sliding down her belly but she sits now and takes his head in her hands, stopping him from exploring any lower.

"No Jakey, your turn now."

Bella rolls Jake onto his back on the bed and I help her slip off her blouse and bra. She chivvies him up onto the pillows and he lies back, bronzed in the lamplight, his muscles defined and his erection standing up hard and huge. We're both drawn to it and I crawl across the bed while Bella slides down between his legs and licks him from base to tip. Jake groans and shuts his eyes, his big hands clenching then opening.

I swivel around so I'm angled, my feet almost on the pillow at the side of the bed. I hold him around his waist and kiss his belly, sliding my tongue along the furrows of his abs and into his navel. Bella's busy licking the underside of his cock and I join her, pressing my tongue against the base where it meets his stomach, and sliding wetly up to the head. I suck his slick glans while Bella mouths his balls, breathing warm air on them and sucking a little.

"Please…" Jake pleads hoarsely, pushing his hips up helplessly into our mouths, fisting the bedspread. "Ah fuck…please…"

Bella and I lock eyes and I move back, resting my head on Jake's belly, curled sideways and watching her work.

She grips the base of his shaft and supporting herself with her other arm, takes him into her mouth like a fucking sword swallower, sliding him in and out, his cock wet and gleaming. My hips move in time with her sucking.

Jake moans gratefully and tries to buck upwards but I hold his hips down and kiss his belly. He's very close, after all the excitement of the evening, quivering as she sucks and pumps him faster, his head jerking from side to side as he grunts deep in his chest. Then his hands come down to my head, strong fingers twisting in my hair as my tongue snakes across his belly and I bite his hip. He shudders and comes hard into Bella's mouth and she swallows again and again, her face intent as she licks him clean.

Jake's collapsed, gasping, and Bella's lying pillowed in his crotch. I move down a little and kiss her, slipping my tongue in, Jake's taste bitter-salt and familiar in her mouth. Then we both get up and slide in beside him, one on each side, and his arms curl around us and pull us close.

"Thanks…" he whispers, planting a kiss on each of our heads. "That was fucking amazing."

I reach out and turn off the lamp then I flick the bedspread across us and Bella does the same, and we lie there cocooned in Jake's arms, our heads on his chest.

The soft, thudding chords of _Sleep_ by the Dandy Warhols are playing from my laptop, so we do.

 


	13. Sunday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

_   
_

_Bella_

For a moment when I wake I think I'm dying, then I wish I were. My head's a pulsating ache and it feels like it's going to explode any second. My tongue's glued to the roof of my mouth and something undead definitely crawled in there to fester. Thank Christ it's dark because even the numbers 4:05 glowing on the clock-radio beside the bed hurt my sore, gritty eyes.

After a brief, sweaty struggle with the bedcover which is tangled around me in some weird way I manage to extricate myself, careful not to wake... Fuck. Jake. And Edward. Shit.

I slide to the floor and I'm frozen on all fours as it hits me. Getting drunk…the dancing…holding them both like in my dream…lying splayed out on the bed, Edward's mouth on me while Jake stroked him…both of us licking Jake's cock...oh sweet Jesus.

I can see just a little from moonlight leaking in around the drapes over the balcony doors. I crawl to Edward's armchair and slowly lever myself semi-upright then stagger to the bathroom.

In the bathroom I switch the light on reflexively then whimper in pain and turn it off again. Plus I don't want to see what's in the mirror. A red-eyed, horror-haired monster. Pitch fucking dark but I find the tap and feel about for a glass then drink about a gallon of water. Then I feel sick. Need Tylenol, surely he's got fucking Tylenol? Everyone has fucking Tylenol in their bathroom. I curse desperately, fumbling about in a cupboard behind the mirror and knock some damn thing into the basin where it makes a loud crash.

Defeated, I sink to the floor by the glass shower wall, head on my knees with my arms wrapped round me, and curl up in a heap of misery.

"Noooo turn it off!"

The searing light's gone on again, skewering my eyeballs. It clicks off and I hear someone push the door closed and feel their way across to me.

"Bella?" It's Edward. "Bella are you alright? Why are you in the dark?" I feel his hand on my arm, stroking me, then feel him sit beside me on the tiles.

"Not alright. Headache from hell," I mutter irritably. "Can't find the Tylenol."

"Revenge of the whiskey sours huh? I'll get it for you."

Soft thuds and clicks, a pause and then he says "Close your eyes, love, I have to put the light on to check."

I can tell when it goes off as the red through my eyelids goes dark. A short, pain-filled while later and he's pressing two tablets into my palm and a glass of water. I take them and suck up all the water, still dry as a Mormon. He gets me some more, drinks some water himself and then crouches down beside me and rubs my arm. I shiver - it's not super-warm in here and I'm naked. He seems to have put a shirt loosely back on.

"You've got goose-bumps, wait, this'll help…"

A thick dry towel, warm from the heated rail, goes around my back, another over my legs. I feel him sit beside me and he slides his arms around my shoulders and under my knees and pulls me into his lap, rocking me gently.

"Sorry I let you get drunk, Bella. I didn't realise it until it was too late."

He kisses my forehead and I feel a little better.

"My fault. Stupid…" But I'm not really talking about the drinking, not just the drinking anyway.

"You'll feel better in the morning," he reassures me.

"Will I? Gonna be kind of awkward I reckon…" I trail off unhappily.

"Feeling bad about what we did?"

I don't answer, I don't know what to say.

"Bella?" He sounds anxious.

"Yeah. You must think I'm…I dunno, a complete slut or something…" Irritatingly, tears trickle out of my eyes. I'm in a weakened state, in my defence. Fuck I hate crying.

He strokes my face and feels the tears, wiping at them with a corner of the towel. He kisses my hair and pulls me closer.

"Jesus, Bella, don't cry. Of course I don't think that and nor will Jake. Don't you remember what I said?"

"What, you mean 'fuck, Bella you're hot'?" I mutter, being difficult.

"Well, that too." There's a smile in his voice. "No, about both me and Jake loving you."

Stupidly that makes me put my arms around his chest and cry some more. He sighs and rocks me.

"It wasn't just my dick talking, baby. I do, you know."

"Love you too" I blubber into his chest, nose dripping.

He grabs me some toilet paper to blow it and pulls me back into his arms again.

"It's just…Edward…I mean, I never thought I'd ever…with two guys…" oh very coherent.

"I know, nor did I, I mean with two…others. But it's just happened, this you and me and Jake thing. Because we do all care for each other. It's not like some orgy or anything."

"Oh, you'd know the difference would you? Been to a few orgies?" I'm still sensitive about it all.

"Now who's calling who a slut?" Shit, he sounds a little hurt.

"Sorry, I was joking. I know, not an orgy but that's how people will see it."

"Fuck _people_." He's vehement, almost angry.

My voice is a whisper now. "They saw us go upstairs you know, after the dancing. The three of us…"

"_They_ are a bunch of brain-dead losers. And they don't know what they saw, not really…"

But he sounds a little worried. "Jake's well out of it and I could give a flying fuck, but I won't have anyone hassling you. We'll tough it out and ignore them, hell, it's what I've been doing for years anyway. Alice and Jasper and Emmett will be OK."

"Will they?"

"They may not like it but they'll look after us."

"You're talking like this is something we need to handle...I mean that we're going to need to keep on handling…" Like you want us to keep on doing this is what I mean but can't quite bring myself to say.

He's silent for a while, then he sighs. "Yeah. Fuck, I don't know what to do. I love you both, in different ways. And I sure as shit want you both." Another pause. "Do you hate me for that?"

"I love you both too." I whisper it into his chest. "But how can we? Where could we…be together …except here. I mean, where did you and Jake…?"

"Here," he whispers, stroking my hair. "And Seattle, a motel after the concert."

I stiffen. "Wait, here _and_ Seattle? How long have you and Jake been…?"

"Fucking?" Since the concert. Yeah, while you and I were…" He sounds strained, ashamed. "I wanted to tell you but I was afraid…I thought you'd tell me to get the hell away from you…"

There's an anxious silence while I absorb this, realising I knew anyway. I figured it out last night, seeing how they were with each other.

"Is it more than sex, you and Jake?"

He exhales and I realise he's been holding his breath. "Yeah. It's like you said. He makes me feel good, feel safe. I do love him too, but it's quieter than with you, less intense. With you it's been like a fucking whirlwind from that first day in Biology. But last night, when we were together…it just felt so right, so good, loving you both."

There's a pause then he whispers "What about you?"

I'm whispering too. I don't know if I'd be able to say this if it wasn't dark. The dark makes it easier somehow.

"I was a bit drunk last night but I knew what I was doing. Dunno if I would have done it though if I hadn't been half wasted. Too inhibited. But I love you and I love Jake, like you said. He's solid, like a rock, he steadies me. But it's not the same as with you, I'm _in_ love with you and that's kind of…terrifying…"

I turn and feel his face in the dark and I kiss his eyelids, his nose, his cheeks. His mouth is soft and his lips part against mine as we press tongues gently. I feel as though I'm falling and I hear him groan softly, pressing his mouth more urgently against me, his hand sliding into my hair. Terrifying and wonderful.

When we finally break off the kiss, both our hearts are pounding. I can feel his through his chest.

"I don't know, Edward," I whisper, catching my breath. "It's not fair to Jake is it? When it's not quite the same with him?"

"Maybe not." Stroking me, thinking. "We'll just have to talk about it, see what he wants." He leans in and bites me softly just below my ear, making my head fall back. "I know that he wants you, baby, of course he does, you're fucking irresistible."

Kissing down my neck now, bending to take my breast in his mouth, soft until his circling tongue licks the tip to hardness. I feel his stubble rasp gently across the sensitive skin as he sucks on my nipple and I push myself into his mouth, making a small noise in the back of my throat.

"You're pretty fucking irresistible yourself, Edward Cullen" I whisper as he lays me down on the towels, spreading my legs, his mouth hot and wet on my breasts as his hand slips in between my legs, his fingers gently stroking and pushing up into me.

"Bella baby, fuck, you're so wet for me." His voice is shaky.

He lies on top of me and eases himself inside, moving softly, silent now except for our gasps and soft moans. The pitch blackness intensifies sensation and I feel the blood beating in my groin, my head, my hands. My skin burns wherever he touches me and I'm so aroused I'm coming already, cresting in shuddering waves as he takes me.

His body's warm on mine, the stubble rough on his jaw as he mouths my neck and his hard cock slides deeply in then slowly out. I can tell that I won't come again but pleasure still pulses into me with every long thrust. His head drops to the crook of my neck and he's making low whimpering noises in the back of his throat as he shifts his grip on my hips, moving faster now and thrusting harder, starting to quiver and lose control. I feel him sigh, arching and grunting as he spills into me, hot and helpless.

My headache's a little worse after the sex but I don't care and it soon subsides. We lie there and almost fall asleep again, then he stirs, pushing himself up on all fours and rising to his knees. He cleans us gently with a washcloth and we take some water back to bed. I feel a lot better now, the Tylenol taking effect.

Jake is still deeply asleep. He's rolled to my side of the bed, on the covers. Edward straightens the bedspread and gets a spare comforter from his wardrobe. He spreads it over Jake and pulls me in with him underneath the quilt so I'm between them both, resting in his arms.

"Sleep now, Bella, we'll work it out," he whispers.

* * *

 

_Jake_

I wake into dim curtained daylight from a dream of eating strawberries, crushing handfuls in my mouth so the juice runs down my chin. For some reason it's intensely sexual and I'm moaning quietly as my eyes squeeze open, hard as I always am in the morning, and pushing my cock into something warm and yielding. Fucking excellent way to wake up.

I get my bearings rapidly, remembering where I am and with whom. It's Bella against me. She's spooned before me and my erection's nudging her soft ass, pressing between her thighs. My arm's around her and I'm holding her breast, my face in her hair. Edward's curled facing her, asleep with one arm under her neck and the other lying between them, his lashes fluttering on his cheeks in the throes of a dream. Hope it's as much fun as mine was, lover boy.

I push my face into Bella's hair: strawberries. I inhale deeply, still gently moving against her thighs. I'm so tempted to slide my hand down her hip and pull her leg up so that I can push myself in more deeply where I long to be, but she's stirring now and she twists and kisses me sleepily on the chin, rolling onto her back as Edward yawns and stretches beside her.

I content myself with teasing her breast, blowing air across the tip and brushing the backs of my fingers across her nipple as it hardens. Edward's drowsily stroking her belly, his fingers circling her navel and dipping down to brush her pubes.

Bella's hands slip in between us and she's taken our cocks, stiff with morning wood, one in each hand, and given us both a quick stroke. "Morning, boys." Her small hands come up then and grip our wrists, pushing us gently away. "Nice though that feels, I need a human minute." She wriggles down the bed and extricates herself, heading for the bathroom.

Edward and I stare at each other, breathing a little fast and with hard ons that would choke a couple of pythons. Man, those green eyes. Really goddam tempting to just slide over there, roll him over and have at him but I don't think Bella's quite ready to walk in on that and I want us to talk. I want us to fuck too, but I want to talk first. I stretch my hand over and interlace my fingers with his, just lying there looking at him hungrily as he smiles back at me.

My stomach growls. And I wouldn't mind some breakfast.

* * *

We don't want to leave the room so Edward puts on his jeans and a shirt and goes padding off to raid the kitchen. He brings back a stack of toast with butter and jelly and a carton of juice, plus some mugs. There's a Mr Coffee in the room which Bella gets going while he's downstairs. She's borrowed some of his pajamas with the pants and sleeves rolled up and I'm in a pair of his sweats and some obscure Indie band T-shirt.

We picnic on the floor, using a towel as a makeshift table cloth.

"'Kay" I say with my mouth full. "We gonna talk 'bout vif or wot?" I take a swig of coffee and swallow.

Bella shoots Edward a quick glance. Man, that girl should never be let near a poker table. Or on second thoughts, I must get her into a game. Strip poker, preferably.

Shit this is awkward. All very well last night when we were drunk and in party mode, not so easy in the light of day. Well, in the half-light, Bella's eyes are still a bit sensitive so we've kept the drapes closed.

I'm feeling pretty vulnerable so I get up and wander to the French doors, pretending to look out between the drapes. Then I turn and lean back against the window, letting my hair fall half across my face in a dark curtain.

"Alright, I'll start. Last night was fucking wonderful. You both probably know how I feel about you..." Shit. I realise I can't really talk about how I feel for Edward unless he's told her.

I shoot him a worried glance and he smiles a little shamefacedly, looking sideways at Bella.

"I told her, Jake. About us…Seattle and all that…"

I look at her anxiously too. "Right, sorry Bells. I didn't know at the time that you and Edward were…hell, I didn't know you were even back in town at first."

She smiles a little and shrugs, she doesn't seem too upset. Whew.

"OK, so none of us have know each other very long, well except for you and me, Bells, but it just felt right with Edward the moment I met him, and I've always wanted you, Bella, you know that…" I look down, hoping my skin color and the dim light will keep her from seeing that I'm blushing. That damn stupid kiss.

I take a deep breath. "So I want to keep on seeing you both. I mean both together when we can. OK, that's me done."

I try to sound all casual and blasé but I'm feeling kind of out on a limb here, scared they'll reject me. I realise I think of them as a couple and myself as the outsider, partly as I've never been with Bella, just me and her. It feels a bit lopsided. Can a triangle be lopsided? I guess it can.

I shake myself out of my anxious brooding because Bella's speaking.

"We talked in the night Jake, Edward and me. About this - well, we talked a little…"

What? I thought they seemed to be looking at each other kind of meaningfully. I bet they fucked. We're going to have to figure that shit out, if we…well, it won't work if we're jealous. Don't be jealous.

Now Bella's the awkward one. "It was just…I had a headache and Edward found me some pills and water…you know, and we talked. So…"

She takes a breath and I find I've tensed up.

"So we want to keep seeing each other too - I do, and Edward…we wanted to see if you felt the same. So I guess you do?"

I let my breath out, hadn't realised I was holding it. Yes. Yes I do. I stand there and push my hair back, looking at them both. Bella's face looks hopeful, questioning. Edward's smiling a little, his eyes more knowing, darker.

"Fuck yeah, I want to." I look away again, rubbing one bare foot up the back of the other leg as I lean on the wall. "I know it's not quite the same" I say quietly. "With me I mean. You don't feel quite the same about me…"

"No Jake, that's not…" Bella being Bella she has to make it right, she's getting up.

"It's OK, Bells, really. You and Eds, you've got something special. And we haven't even…not yet…you and me I mean. But I don't care, I still want to try this, to see where it goes."

She's put her arms round my waist now, slender against me as I put my hand on her hair and stroke her, pressing her to my chest. There's a lump in my throat and at first it's just comfort, Bella soft against me as I hug her. But the feel of her warmth through my sweats, her breath hot against my chest and I'm so keyed up anyway…soon I'm reacting, blood pooling in my groin and I'm hard again, aching for her.

I make a soft huffing noise and kiss the top of her head. She can feel me through our thin clothes and I'm praying she wants it too. I'm so turned on with all this that I'm desperate now to get off. Such a romantic - I roll my eyes mentally. Such a fucking animal, Jake. Classy.

Edward's cleared the food and coffee away and he's joined us. He strokes Bella's hair too then pulls my head down a little, kissing the corner of my mouth and licking along my bottom lip. My mouth opens for him.

He pulls back and rests his head on my shoulder, speaking softly. "You seemed to feel it's a little…unbalanced between us, Jake. Want to put that right with Bella? Go on and I'll join you in a bit."

He kisses my neck and tips Bella's face up, rubbing his nose against hers and they kiss. She's flushed and I feel her push her hips against me, pressing my erection against her stomach and making my breath hitch.

He goes towards the bathroom but I barely notice. Bella's got her hand on my aching cock, rubbing me through the soft cotton of the sweats as I lift her up a little and open her mouth, sliding my tongue in and pressing it against hers. Hot, so hot now. Blood pounding in me and I'm holding her hard, pouring all my years of longing into the kiss. Getting it right this time.

I lift her in my arms - she's so slight - and carry her to the bed. Laying her in the center, I kneel over her and strip off the T-shirt, then I take off her pajama top. I wriggle out of the sweats and pull down her pants. She lifts her hips for me.

I cover her with my body, warm skin to warm skin all along us, chest, stomach, thighs. Her breasts press soft against me and I'm so hard, so fucking hard. My mouth's on her throat, licking her, biting gently, moaning as I move, rubbing my cock between us, writhing with the heat and pleasure as I kiss her mouth - deep, sucking, hungry kisses.

Holding myself up on my elbows so as not to crush her, I push my cock in between her legs, sliding it against her inner thigh, the skin so soft there, so smooth. I drop my head to her breasts, groaning and bringing my hand up to roll and pinch one nipple while I suck the other.

Bella arches back, her eyes shut, whimpering. Her hands stroke my back, my chest, they slide down my stomach between us into the hair below, flaring the hot need in my groin.

I grunt and push her legs apart with my knees. I have to be inside her. Have to. Need to. Fuck her. Yes.

Then I feel a caress on my ass, a hand reaching round and pulling me back from Bella, rolling me on my side against him...Edward? What?

"Wait Jake, here…" He takes my cock and rolls on a condom. Oh, oh yeah, _ohhh_…

Stroking me, rolling me back and his hand's on my ass again, fingers curving between my cheeks and in my crack, reaching forward to cup my balls and _ah fuck_ he takes my cock and rubs it up and down Bella's slit, wet with her juices and I'm panting and moaning, Bella whimpering and pushing her hips up against me, begging me to fuck her as his long fingers trail over her cunt and along my cock.

Then I'm in her. Thrusting deeply and crying out, frantic with need, fucking her with hard desperate strokes as she writhes under me and sucks me in. I want this so much and I'm going to come too soon, too much, too intense, I can't hold it, I'm all body and no control, no mind just pumping flesh as it all gushes out of me.

No no no, I'm ashamed, I can't look at her. Wanted her so long and I've blown it. Blown my wad like a green thirteen year old with a porno mag. I'm still half hard and I keep moving, trying to please her. Bella groans under me, angling herself to keep me inside. Damn.

Then I feel his touch on my ass. Edward's hands are stroking my thighs, my ass, parting my cheeks and his finger's wet and slick as it presses inside my anus, tight as he slides it in through the ring of muscle, making me groan. Another finger, pressing and curving inside me, finding my prostate and stroking it. My teeth clench and I grunt, shocked as the heat wells out filling my groin again, exquisite pressure in my ass making me hard, filling me up, filling me with need and a burning pleasure.

Fuck me. Fuck my ass Edward. Oh sweet Jesus that feels good. Then his fingers slip out and he straddles me, opening my cheeks and pressing his slick cock in where he's made me ready and open. Hurts oh it hurts and I grunt and thrust reflexively into Bella, aaah now so good as his cock angles down a little where it's swollen and feels so right. And oh the sweet fire and I'm fucked and fucking, sobbing now as he takes me taking her.

Bella's looking up, wide-eyed and mouth open, panting as we curve over her, mindless, thrusting into her as Edward finds his rhythm, sliding hard and deep into me now, ruling me, setting the pace for our thrusts, fucking Bella through me. I give myself over to pleasure as he rides me, his hands on my hips then his chest's on my back as his pace quickens, skin slick on mine as his hips pump faster and my hips pump faster and we're grunting and Bella's head goes back and she spasms around me and fuck I'm going to come again oh Edward, oh Bella, spurting as he grunts and bites my shoulder hard and rams himself into me once, twice, quivering, then collapses across my back.

* * *

No words, we curl together, boneless and spent. Sleep again and wake to lazy stroking and licking, a tangle of limbs, mouths and hands.

Hungry later on and there's pizza and music and we play poker, betting for toothpicks. Edward and I clean Bella out, predictably, claiming our winnings in kind from her mouth. We stay in the room as much as possible, Edward our emissary to scavenge food and sodas.

Finally pulling ourselves reluctantly back to the world outside our room as it sinks towards twilight. The Chief expects Bella back, I should check on Billy. Half dazed, we press parting kisses and touches on each other in the safety of our room.

Then we emerge and Edward walks us out. Bella's old truck, my bike. He stands there watching as we drive away, splintering off into the gathering dusk.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I know one condom wouldn't have cut it for Jake but lets ignore that pesky detail and call it artistic licence!


	14. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

 

_Edward_

"It'll be OK Bella, just ignore them all."

We're in the Volvo in the school parking lot and Bella's nervous.

I lean across and press my lips to the lobe of her ear, then her cheek, then softly on her mouth. She's tense though and she pulls back, breaking the kiss and clambering out of the car. Sighing I join her, taking her hand, and we walk inside, eyes front, heads up, trying not to notice the occasional whispered comment or snort from the milling crowd as we carve a path to Bella's first period class.

She seems alright when I collect her for the rest of her morning classes, up until lunchtime. I'm waiting outside her final class and students are flooding past me when I hear a muttered "there's pervy Cullen," and sniggers. Sure enough, Mike Newton and Tyler Crowley slouch past, leering. I clench my teeth and hold myself on a tight rein, hoping Bella didn't have to put up with that sort of crap.

No such luck. When she emerges from the room her eyes are a little red and she's collapsed in on herself, clutching some books to her chest, her shoulders hunched defensively. She comes into my arms and stands there, forehead pressed to my chest and I feel her trembling a little as my arms fold round her and I rest my chin on top of her head.

"What? Tell me…"

"Newton. He kept going on about my 'big city habits' and endless pseudo questions about how we 'did it'. Crude crap about what went in where, and in who. Calling me a 'swinger', suggesting a threesome with you, me and him, crap like that. Constant fucking whispers and innuendoes. Half the class could hear him and they were snickering and…and…God, it sucked. I feel like I've been pushed in a sewer and held under. And there was nothing I could do but hide behind the hair and hope he'd stop. I wanted to scream and smash his face in; it took everything I had not to react."

I rub her back and hold her tight, trying not to let the rage show. Fucking goddam Newton, he is dead meat. Stroking her hair, desperate that I wasn't there and can't protect her all the time. Newton and his asshole cronies - cheap two-bit bullies attacking Bella and skittering away from me, grinning behind their hands.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'll shut him up…" Kissing her cheek, trying to make my arms a shield around her.

"Don't, Edward, don't take Mike on - you'll just get in trouble." She stares up at me, eyes wide, worried.

"Have to do something, Bella, I can't let this happen. I'll try, OK? I'll try not to hurt him…too much."

"No, please…you'll just get hurt too…please, Edward, let it go, it'll die down in a while. Please."

Not a promise I can make so I just shrug and we go to lunch, neither of us hungry, sitting quietly with Jazz and Alice, Rosalie and Emmett. Newton doesn't show, probably knows I'm aching to pound him to a pulp.

The sibs aren't mad pleased either, of course. Alice keeps giving me dirty looks because Bella's getting hurt, and Emmett looks sullen and uncomfortable about the whole situation. Rosalie's highly irritated and pouting, filing her nails and refusing to talk to me. So at least that's one good thing.

Jasper's his usual laid-back self, Mr Joe Cool with his tunes, but I catch him giving me sidelong glances and he looks a little dubious. We haven't had a chance to talk to them yet and I need to sort a few things out. Might as well get on with it.

"So guys, time for a chat I guess." Damn, this is harder than I thought. Bella's looking worried, almost frightened. I reach for her hand and hold it in both of mine, stroking her fingers gently with my thumb.

"Um…the weekend, what happened at the weekend…" I trail off, realising I can't possibly raise this with Rosalie sitting there glowering and touching up her lipstick. "Ah, maybe we should talk outside…or if you'd excuse us, Rosalie? Just for a moment."

She gives an exaggerated sigh and rolls her eyes. "Yeah, like I'd want to hear about your sordid goings on anyway." She stands and slings her Gucci tote across a shoulder. "I'll be in our special place Em - don't be too long now." A quick kiss and she strides off, Emmett's eyes fixed on her ass, a hungry look on his face.

"Right then." Fuck fuck fuck, get on with it. "I don't know what you saw or heard, but yeah, Bella and I are together, um, I mean we're going out."

"Staying in's more like it," Alice says waspishly, and Jazz snorts. Emmett looks after Rosalie, impatient for me to get to the point.

Bella's hiding behind her hair, her face crimson. I put my arm around her shoulders.

"Yes, well, we didn't get out much at the weekend, I know. See, it's not just me and Bella, there's Jake too."

"Jake," Alice says in a flat voice.

"Yeah, Jake, Jacob. He's someone I met recently about the same time Bella and I got together, and Bella knows him as well - he's an old family friend." This isn't going quite how I'd imagined - they're all three staring at me, looking doubtful (Jasper), pissed (Alice) and frustrated (Emmett).

"Well, so, Jake and Bella and I, we're, we're…going out, or rather staying in as you more accurately put it, Alice. We're an item. Well, we want to be, anyway."

"A _threesome_? You're making Bella do a fucking _ threesome_?" Alice has gone an odd puce color, which clashes with her salmon pink blouse. I decide not to point this out.

"Jesus, keep your voice down, Alice. No, well, yes, but it's more than that, and it's not a one-off thing. And no-one's making Bella do anything…Bells?"

Bella's a similar deep red shade behind the wall o' hair, muttering and not meeting anyone's eyes. "It's OK, Alice, I'm fine with it, I mean I want this too. Jake and Edward. I…I love them both."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, how can you say that, you hardly know them? Well, maybe you know this Jake guy from before, but Edward…" Alice shoots me a poisonous glance "…you've barely met him. Dammit Edward, this is precisely the sort of sick shit I warned you not to do. I warned you not to fuck Bella over!"

"I'm not." "He's not." We speak at the same time and she glances at me, trying a small smile.

"Alice, really, he's not taking advantage and I'm a big girl, I know what I want. And I want them both."

Emmett huffs out an irritated breath. "Look, little bro, what the hell ever weird shit rocks your boat, but Mom and Dad are gonna freak, that's all I can say."

"I hadn't planned on them finding out, Emmett. Think you could manage not to blurt it out during Evening Report at the dinner table?"

We eye each other, bristling. Stupid to antagonise him but I always get defensive with Emmett.

I sigh. "Sorry, just…let it be, OK Em? Please don't make an issue of it. They kind of know I've started to see Bella - well, Mom does anyway - and I'd rather just leave it at that. We'll figure out the Jake part of it ourselves."

"Whatever. Right, I'm off to have vanilla fun with Rose. _Someone_ in the family's got to act normal." He strides off, leaving Alice glaring after him. Oh well, it's distracted her slightly from beating on me.

"So how are you going to work this, with the three of you?" Jasper's curious. "I mean, you're still in school, you don't have your own apartments or anything - unless Jake does?"

"No he lives with his Dad. Yeah, it's not easy. That's partly why I wanted to talk, as we need your help. Alice, please…I mean we needed to talk to you anyway because we weren't exactly discreet at the party so we owed it to you to explain. Um…not that there's much I can say. We got a bit carried away on the dance floor, Jake and me, sorry about that."

"It's Bella I feel sorry for, the way the gossip machine's buzzing around the school. That bitch Stanley, and fucking Lauren, they're having a field day."

Bella groans and hides her face in her hands. Damn.

"Yeah, I know, Bella already had a run-in with Newton and Crowley." Whose days are numbered, Newton's especially. "OK, that was stupid - Jake and I were a little…lubricated. The talk'll die down in a bit and we won't give them any more scenes to get excited about. It helps that Jake goes to school on the rez."

"Oh right, Jacob Black, from La Push?" Alice knows everyone, of course.

"So what - you and Bella, and you and Jacob, and Bella and Jacob…?" Jasper's still stuck on the logistics of it all. Or possibly he's getting off on it, the bastard. You never know with Jazz.

"Yeah. Well, really it's all three of us in a relationship. But you're right, it'll be hard to manage. My room's the safest as it's away from the main house. Like I said, I want to let Mom and Dad think it's just me and Bella and we'll sort the rest out. But we need your help, Alice."

"Really." She's eyeing me, somewhat less hostile but not liking all this. Which is understandable I guess.

"We need you to invite Bella home for a sleepover each weekend. Make up some excuse - maybe to study together or work on a project, you know. The Chief worries that she's too isolated so he'd go for it."

"And he likes going fishing at the weekend so he'd jump at the chance to get away," Bella adds quietly.

"So you want Bella to 'sleepover' with me, but in fact she'll be with you. And…Jake. But you'll never slip Jake past the parentals, and Carlisle doesn't…he wouldn't…um that is…"

"Yeah, he wouldn't let Jake in the door, because he's Quileute. He's a fucking racist, our dear adoptive Dadddy." I can't help the bitterness in my voice. "Leave that part with me, we'll be discreet."

"Jesus, Edward, I don't know. This could so easily blow sky high. And…and…you're all so young. Tell me you're being safe? Using condoms?"

I flush because we haven't been as careful as we should. Certainly not going to admit that bit. "Come on, Alice, we're only a year younger than you, don't pull the authority figure crap on us. And yeah, we've got condoms of course, we're not idiots." Making my eyes wide and honest. Aiming for an innocent yet mature expression and maintaining steady eye contact. Usually works.

Alice blows out a breath and pinches her nose, a family gesture when we're stressed. "Fuck. And if I don't help, I imagine you'll see each other anyway, in some less suitable place. Shit. Oh alright, but Christ do you owe me, Edward. Like home loan deposit and paying my kids' College fees level of debt."

I grab her hand and kiss it, excited. "Thanks, Alice, you're my favorite sister."

She snatches her hand back. "Christ on a bike. I'm your _only _sister, meathead." She stands, and Jasper gets up languidly as well, gathering their books. "One last thing. Bella, when you need to talk about…about…all this…then please, _please_ come and find me. I'm worried you're in over your head so just…yeah."

Bella goes to hug her, whispering thanks, and Jasper and I stand around like spare wheels while the girly stuff plays out.

He grins at me. "Ditto, man," he says. "Any time." Alice grabs his hand and drags him off, smirking.

Yeah, in your dreams am I giving _you_ any details, Jazz.

We sit down again.

"Well, I thought that went well…" I say, deadpanning for all I'm worth.

We're silent for a moment then we catch each other's eyes and lose it, laughing hysterically.

"You are NOT to talk to fucking Jasper about us. He was entirely too keen to be your shoulder to cry on."

Astute girl - I grin at her affectionately. "No problem. He'd probably want to make videos so the less he knows the better."

* * *

The afternoon's bearable with the same nudge nudge wink wink crap but no overt abuse. I'm with Bella in Biology so that helps. Newton still doesn't show. The constant undertone of giggling and gossip wear us down however and we're quiet in the car after school. Bella wants to make dinner for Charlie so we head back to her place and go up to her room to kill some time.

Lying together on her bed and finally I can comfort her properly, pulling her head into the crook of my shoulder and tangling our legs together as I stroke her. It's nice and she sighs, nestling into me, warm under the quilt.

I tilt her face up and kiss her softly, pressing her gently back onto the mattress. Comfort slips inexorably into arousal as she moves under me, making soft noises in her throat. I need to feel her skin so I undress her quickly, stripping my own clothes off and discarding them in a heap. We snuggle back under the quilt and I shudder as I measure myself against her, drunk with the feel of her hot silky skin under my hands as my mouth falls to her breasts, my tongue weaving wet circles around her nipples.

Bella moans and her hands close around the heat of my cock, forcing incoherent noises from my mouth as I curl around her and suck on her breasts. I slide my hand in between her legs as she begins to pump me, grunting to her rhythm as I push my fingers deep inside her until she bucks up, whimpering, and loses concentration, her hand on me faltering, erratic.

Chastened by Alice I find a condom packet in my jeans pocket and roll the latex on, then I turn Bella, nudging her onto her hands and knees and kneeling behind her. I reach through to squeeze her breasts then run my hand down her belly and into that sweet wetness as I rub my cock against her soft ass cheeks. Then I'm pressing her down on her forearms and guiding my cock into her as she cries out and backs onto me, trembling.

Oh fuck that's good, oh sweet fuck…oh _yes_. Bella... Bella... Bella... The blood pounds in every part of me as I thrust deep inside her, gripping her hips as I push in hard and fast, then pull back slowly, relishing her slick tightness. Bella whimpers and grunts, pushing her cunt back onto me desperately each time I withdraw.

Too good, I have to move faster, can't hold out much longer. I can tell she's close, her legs shaking under me. I force her knees wider apart and push her chest down onto the bed, snapping my hips into her fast and deep, my balls slapping against her as I grunt. I feel her fall apart around me, writhing and moaning as I fuck her. Pulling me over as she comes and the waves of pleasure pulse through me as I cling to her, quivering. So good, Christ, it feels so goddam good, so utterly right and necessary.

* * *

Lying together afterwards she wants to talk. I'd like to hold her close and sink into sleep, but we can't because Charlie's due home in an hour and she needs to start dinner. I hold her close anyway, nestling my face in her hair.

"Gotta talk with Jake, Edward." She stifles a yawn, setting me off as well. "I mean, this, now, we need to talk about seeing each other like this, in couples, as well as all together. Because it's going to be mostly just two of us together isn't it, except at the weekend?"

"I guess. You mean you're not sure about you and me fucking, if Jake's not here?"

"Yeah. Well, not that I think it's wrong, but I don't know how he feels, or how you'll feel when it's just me and Jake together."

The way she says it - so definite that she and Jake will be getting it on - brings it home to me. Jake and Bella screwing, without me. Hmmm, not quite so easy to handle. But I can't have it both ways, not if we want our three-way thing to work.

"Or me and Jake together. Yeah, I see. OK, we need to talk it over, because I don't think any of us are going to want to just have the occasional threesome and be celibate otherwise."

"No, you horny boys couldn't possibly cope with that!" She swats me on the ass and I grin, biting her neck and getting turned on again until she laughs and pushes me away.

"Enough, Charlie'll be here soon and it'd go a lot better if we weren't naked and humping. Geroff…"

So we pull ourselves together and zip ourselves up all neat and tidy, and I get on my cell and arrange a date to have coffee with Jake after school on Tuesday, three friends going out.

A date to talk about how many times two can go into three, and other permutations and combinations.

Bella's thoughtful as she walks me to the car.

"This thing tomorrow, with Jake. You know, it's our first date. The first with all of us there. We should do the dating thing, Edward, because Alice is right - we barely know each other. And so far we've hardly done anything except fuck like rabbits. We need to do normal things, spend time together as well."

I can see her point, and I feel a little guilty that I'm such a sex-obsessed teenage boy, just wanting to fuck her brains out - and Jake's - at every opportunity. Part of me knows it's insecurity - I need the physical connectedness to be reassured that they're real, that they want me, that I'm OK. Even if I know I'm not. But we do need to talk as well and just muck around doing ordinary things.

So, dates it is. Dinner, or movies. Hmmm, that could be tricky. No make-out session afterwards, outdoor activities being ruled out by Forks' climate most of the year.

And while two may fit several times into three, three definitely won't fit in the Volvo's back seat.

"Dates would be nice. I'll see you in the morning, love."

Bending to kiss her. Hoping we can work it out because there aren't any self-help books about this. We're going to have to write our own rules.

 


	15. Shit Happens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out Playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

_   
_

_Bella_

"Did you get me a skinny latte like I asked?" I'm watching swirls of cinnamon dissolve into the frothy milk.

"Probably not. The guy behind the counter's eyes were too close together and he was real edgy. I figured he might whack me with a pool cue if I stressed him with any cute requests. This ain't Starbucks. Anyway, you need fattening up."

I scowl at Jake. Do not.

We're at the Breakwater. It's more of a pool hall and bar with an espresso machine than a café, but that means it stays open in the evening and it's got a quieter area with sofas where you can sit comfortably. And it's a little out of town, which seems like a pretty good idea - the diner's popular with our schoolmates from Forks High and we can do without the audience. Still, as a first date venue it lacks any romantic ambience, with a wide screen on the far wall running flickering Super Bowl replays and walls covered with sports paraphernalia.

Edward sips his unsweetened espresso. It's a personality test really, the way people take their coffee. Edward's obviously the straight-up type, and I'm a cream-and-sugar type. Jake's usually an espresso guy too but for some reason he's decided to have hot chocolate tonight - maybe he needs comforting? Maybe he's nervous? I eye him covertly but he looks alright, flicking his hair back over one shoulder and sucking on a marshmallow.

"How's your week been, Jake?" Edward's trying to get the conversation going as we're all a bit awkward. We've never done this before.

"OK. Boring, I guess. I'm struggling with math, fucking hate it - never been my best subject. Had a double period today so that sucked. And a test coming up in a week." He sighs and drinks some more, leaving a creamy froth on his top lip which he licks off.

I can't help watching his tongue slide along his lip and I realise my mouth's gaping. I blush and catch Edward smirking at me. Jake seems oblivious to our perving, frowning as he thinks about the coming test.

"Maybe we could study together and help you with it?" That'd be a normal, 'dating' type thing to do, surely? "Not that it's my best subject either though."

Jake looks at me, considering. "Yeah? You'd do that? You could come to La Push - our place isn't big but the kitchen table's OK for studying. Billy wouldn't mind - he'd be happy if I had friends over."

"Sure, either your place or one of ours. Charlie'd be the same as long as we stayed downstairs, we could use our living room or the kitchen. What about you, Edward?"

He looks uncomfortable. "I'd like to come over and have some study sessions if that's alright - I like math OK so I can help tutor you both. Probably not at my place though - Esme's always in my face and I don't want her getting too curious. Sorry…"

I know he's really worried that Carlisle might make a fuss about Jake if he's a bigot like Edward said. Carlisle's prejudice goes unspoken though. Weird that we can fuck each other six ways from Sunday but not talk openly about our parents' racism. I guess we really don't know each other well enough to be comfortable.

Oh well, we have to start somewhere. "'Kay, so lets plan on getting together after school a couple of times a week - so, tomorrow? At my place? I'll make us some cookies."

They nod, and Jake says "OK, Mom, milk and cookies it is."

I scowl and whop him on the arm and he grins.

"Yeah, I know it's kind of a crazy contrast," I say, trying to explain myself. "One minute we're jumping each other's bones and the next setting up a playdate with milk and cookies. But we sort of went from zero to one hundred too fast don't you think? We need to slow down a bit and get to know each other some more."

Jake nods, still amused. Not that that'll stop him wolfing down a shitload of cookies of course. Boys.

"Bella thinks we should date as well, Jake." Edward's smiling that damn crooked smile. "All three of us. You know - dinner, bowling, whatever." He raises an eyebrow.

"Are you asking me out, Edward?" Jake shoots him a flirtatious look and oh boy, a little heat in the belly there. I try not to squirm and clench too obviously.

"I'm asking you both out, yeah." Edward smiles lazily at us both. "What about Friday? A movie maybe? Is there anything worth seeing at Port Angeles?"

"I've got a better idea, but it's more complicated." Jake leans forward, arms crossed on the table. "There's another concert at Neumos in Seattle this Friday that I wanna see - the Dandy Warhols. They're amazing live. I'm going to be working the fishing boats this weekend during the days so I'll be able to afford it even though the ticket'll clean me out right now. Why don't we hit the concert instead of a movie?"

I'd really like to go as they're one of my favorite bands, and almost locals too, being Portland based. But Charlie won't let me stay over, not in Seattle. I bite my lip, trying to figure out how to manage it.

"Bella?" Edward says. "What d'you think? I'd be up for it."

"Yeah, I'm keen. But Charlie…I'd have to drive back home afterwards, there's no way he'd let me stay - I mean, I've got no-one to stay with."

"Well, you have…" Edward says provocatively, under his lashes, "But yeah, there's no way we could sell Charlie you, me and Jake in a motel for the night as a going concern."

No siree. I shudder to imagine the outburst if Charlie heard about that little plan. Firearms would be involved. Probably sticks of dynamite as well.

"This'd be the same motel where you two…?" They exchange a glance and Jake actually blushes as Edward smirks suggestively. Shit, it must have been pretty hot. Definitely some moistness in the groin area now as I watch Jake take a deep breath and try to collect himself.

Edward leans back looking smug, hands behind his head. "We don't have to stay. It's not so very far to drive and they'll be finished by 10.30. Charlie should buy a late curfew if you work on him - it's not a school night after all. Who would he trust more as 'the boyfriend' to drive you? Me or Jake?"

"Jake - he knows Jake and Billy." And he doesn't trust you, I don't add. "Well, I can try, I guess. If I can't swing it with Charlie you two should still go, though."

They look at each other and Jake blushes again. Right, and if Bella's not having to be gotten home to bed before Charlie turns into a pumpkin, the motel's definitely going to see some action.

"Which brings us to agenda item two." They look at me, curious. "We need to talk about…that kind of situation. We talked about getting together when we can, all three of us. But what about what we've been doing up to now as couples? You two, and me and Edward? Or even me and Jake?" Jake looks very interested in that last bit and Edward winces.

I press on. "We need to talk about whether it's alright, I mean, seeing each other as couples."

Jake's a little flushed again - and I thought I was the blushing rose around here. It's kind of sweet really. He speaks softly, looking down at his hands. "I reckon it's OK. I mean, we're not going to be able to be all together at once that often, just some weekends. I'd like it if we could still see each other the rest of the time."

Edward's not too happy. He's rocked forward and he's staring at his hands, tapping his fingers on the table top in a nervous jazz rhythm. "I get you and me Jake, and Bella and me, but…you and Bella weren't…before…not really."

"Jealous, Edward?" Jake's staring at him, a little pissed. "I'm not sure this whole thing's gonna work if there's one rule for you and a different one for me."

I'm starting to feel a bit pissed myself now. "Um. If you could crank the macho bullshit down a notch, boys, I think it's really up to _me_ to decide who I sleep with."

They give me a brief sidelong look then go back to eyeing each other. I can see they don't really agree that it's up to me. Fucking cavemen - Christ knows how they manage to get it on as a couple. Maybe they just put each other in head-locks and half-nelsons until they come.

I'm not all that sure that I do want to sleep with Jake but I'm not having Edward telling me what I can or can't do. I'm not going to let any guy control me like that, never again. "Like I said, _I'll _decide about that issue guys, but I think Jake's right - we all need to be on an equal footing or there'll be resentment."

Edward glowers into his empty coffee cup. Clearly there'll be resentment either way. Damn.

"Hell, lets leave it for now and talk about it some more later. Anyway, yeah, I think we can keep seeing each other the way we've been doing. Actually Jake, Edward and I already got together yesterday after school. That was why I wanted to sort it out."

Edward closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose at that, and Jake frowns.

"What? We shouldn't keep secrets from each other!"

"Not secrets, no," says Edward, looking a little tired. "But it is kind of awkward so if it just crops up or we need to mention getting together for…for logistical purposes or something…OK. Otherwise, until we figure this out a bit more, lets not rub each other's faces in it."

Slightly unfortunate image there but I take his point, blushing now myself. Jake's looking a little strained as well, gazing away at some random baseball players on the TV, his arms folded across his chest.

"Damn, you boys are spoilsports. And here I was hoping for a blow by blow account of what you got up to in that motel." I smirk at them, teasing. Oh come on guys, lighten up.

They grin a little, sheepishly, and I reach out and ruffle their hair, making them both duck away, complaining. Such vain things, huffing at me and finger-combing their pretty locks back into place. I beam at them fondly and we're OK again, ordering more coffee, chatting about school gossip and who's banging who on the rez.

Well, it's a start.

* * *

 

_Edward_

Newton's been avoiding me, skipping classes or staying tight inside a posse of his friends, not making eye contact. I'm trying to chill, to do what Bella asked and not let my temper get the better of me. Hard though - when I think what he said to her the rage boils up again and my hands itch to throttle him.

It all falls apart on Wednesday in the locker room after gym. There's the usual to and fro with lame jokes, scuffling and innuendoes as towels are snapped at bare asses, but in the midst of it I hear fucking Newton again going on about drilling a peephole into the girls' showers to catch Bella at it "because you know that bitch will go with anyone so she'd be up for a little girl-on-girl".

He doesn't think I can hear him from the other end of the room but his irritating high-pitched whine carries and in a second I'm in full rage mode, heart pounding, fists clenched, lips drawn back in a snarl as I wheel and confront him.

"Fuck you, Newton. I was trying not to react to your shit but I'm going to have to shut that foul mouth of yours, aren't I? You just can't fucking well leave it alone, asswipe."

He's staring at me now, his blonde hair damp and spiky, lanky in an undershirt and boxers, a towel in his hand. His eyes are wide and he's tensed as though to run away, but the door's behind me so he's got nowhere to go but the showers. His so-called friends are drawing back, sensing blood, not so brave any more. Or maybe they want to see the fight.

I stalk towards him, the edges of my vision red-tinged. I'm barefoot and bare-chested in jeans, and I'm taller than he is, and stronger. And I've learnt a few tricks from wrestling with Emmett across the years.

He backs away from me into the shower-block, slipping a little on the wet concrete floor. An oddly detached part of my brain notes that I can indeed see the whites of his eyes as he looks desperately around for some escape. I don't care that he's afraid - bullies always are when someone gives them a taste of their own medicine.

He doesn't expect me to grab his balls as my first move and he howls when I squeeze them hard, forcing him down onto the floor and grabbing his throat with my other hand. I bang his head on the concrete several times then slap him about the face until his cheek starts to bleed from a cut. All the time I'm growling threats and promises about what I'll do if he says _one more fucking word_ about Bella, me or Jake. He's kicking and struggling but I pin his legs with mine and ignore his flailing fists even when they connect with my face, bruising my cheekbone and splitting my lip.

I don't want to stop. At some point I realise the anger isn't just about Newton and his stupid harassment, it's also frustration with Jake and the thought that he wants to fuck Bella, and that Bella may let him. And under all that is the old rage, the hatred of myself that I keep clamped down. I can't let it surface, can't lose it completely, Christ knows what I'd do but it'd put fucking Newton in the hospital for sure.

Forcing myself back from him, standing shakily and a last hard kick to his ribs as he curls up protectively, a final slurred curse through my misshapen mouth and I'm walking away, trembling, pushing through the crowd of gawkers, my face throbbing and the metallic taste of blood on my upper lip.

I dress rapidly and head straight for the Volvo, skidding out of the parking lot and driving, just driving, the blood in my mouth an aftertaste of rage as my heart gradually slows and several bruises introduce themselves. Kicking Newton with bare toes: not the smartest thing I've ever done. I finally come to my senses along the road to La Push, almost at the first houses before I do a U-turn and head home.

Esme's out and Carlisle's at the hospital, of course. I find a pack of frozen peas and press it to my cheek but it's too late to do much good and the cold hurts my eye. I slump in a chair at the kitchen table, licking blood from my lip, my head pounding. Fuck. Not good, though he surely had it coming.

I sling the vegetables back in the freezer and limp upstairs, knocking back some Tylenol and falling down onto the bed, trying not to think about how much trouble I'm in. I haven't had many fights over the years, but it's always a huge fucking drama with Esme and Carlisle. Oh hell, I'll probably be grounded, and the concert's on Friday…fuck fuck _fuck_. I crawl under the quilt and try not to think about anything at all.

* * *

Esme waits until Carlisle gets home before they confront me. Obviously I'm in deep shit at school and some teacher's been on the blower. Esme's close to tears and Carlisle's full of stern hypocritical horseshit about letting myself down more than them and damaging my chances of a recommendation to an Ivy League College. Oh right, he's panicked I'm becoming a complete fuck-up and I'll end up commuting to Seattle U from Forks, cluttering up the house indefinitely and competing for Esme's attention. That's _so_ not going to happen Daddy dearest, rest assured.

And there's crap about Newton possibly laying assault charges (oh great, another reason for Chief Swan to hate me), and maybe I'll be suspended from school.

I glower sullenly and can't give them an adequate explanation. "I had to hit him because he was insulting Bella" doesn't quite cut it, and I won't give the details when Carlisle demands them.

_I beat Newton up because he was talking about Bella having girl-on-girl sex but actually I was pissed with myself for publicly making out with both her and Jake - you know, Jake, the big Quileute biker dude from the rez - at the illicit party we had here that weekend you were in Portland. And as a result of all that, Bella's copping flack from fucktards like Newton so I had to pound him to a pulp._

Honesty, not the best policy in this case. Kant can go stick his categorical imperatives up his ass.

Esme manages to insinuate that it's all Bella's fault and that she's a bad influence on me, which nearly sets me off again. I bite back a harsh retort and just repeat flatly that it's not Bella's fault, I just lost my temper because Newton was being an asshole. Carlisle tells me to watch my language and I manage not to hit him, showing remarkable self-restraint, really.

Finally I'm dismissed and crawl back to my room. There's a meeting with the principal tomorrow, with Esme in tow. Carlisle has to work, thank fucking Christ. And I'm grounded apart from school. Shit shit shit.

Bella calls me on my cell later on, and she's pissed with me as well. I let her rave on for a while, holding the phone away from my ear and just feeling numb. A dumb kids' rhyme meanders across my brain: _nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm going down the garden to eat worms._ Appropriate, as apparently I've been acting like a five year old, according to Bella. Finally she runs out of steam.

I haven't much to say to her, I'm too wrapped up in my own black, self-pitying mood. Obviously I won't be going to the concert on Friday, and, just my fucking luck, she's talked Charlie around to the late night outing in Seattle with Jake. Just what I fucking need: Bella and Jake on a date while I'm grounded. I mutter something surly and she chews off my ear again.

Yeah, it's my fault, it's all my fucking fault alright? IT'S ALL MY FUCKING FAULT! I end the call abruptly before the shouting in my head starts coming out of my mouth.

So I curl up under the quilt and clamp on my headphones with Nine Inch Nails cranked up to the max. Fuck everything.

* * *

I don't realise he's there until I feel the quilt dragged off me. I whip around, startled, pulling off the headphones and it's fucking Jake, up the goddam fire escape again. I look at the clock and it's 11:05.

Very mixed feelings and I lie there, staring up at him, pissed and tired and feeling kind of invaded.

"Jeez, Edward, what happened?" He crouches down by the bed and touches my cheek gently.

I flinch away. "Don't-"

"OK, OK, sorry. But what-?"

"Newton. Bad-mouthing Bella again. I lost it, had a go at him. He got a couple of swipes in."

Jake goes and checks that the door's locked then he sits on the bed. "Shit, Eds, you're a mess. I hope he's looking worse."

"Yeah. He's looking worse." Thanks for saying I'm a mess, Jake. I roll on my side, away from him.

"Hey, Eds." His hand's on my neck, squeezing the muscles, feeling how tense I am. "Some shitty day, huh?" He massages the back of my neck and up into my hair. I'm all knotted up inside but I can't help pressing back against his hand, it feels so good. Forcing my injured lips to stay closed so as to bite back a pathetic whimper as his thumbs dig into my shoulders.

He kicks off his boots and eases me over onto my front, prone on the bed, straddling me as his fingers probe and knead. Pulling off my T-shirt and working on my shoulder blades and back muscles as I sigh into the pillows, some of the tension leaching away.

He reaches around and undoes my jeans, pulling them off. I hear his own leathers falling to the floor as he undresses quickly. Then he's back, straddling my thighs, his cock pressing on my ass as he leans forward, kneading and stroking my back.

The massage is good but I don't feel right. I'm still too mixed up, too angry and hurt and I feel suffocated, face down on the pillows with Jake's weight pressing me to the bed. He starts to run his hands over my ass, his fingers dipping into my crack and I can't stand it any more.

"No Jake, just get the fuck off me!" I buck him off and sit up. "I've been fucked over enough today, and I'm not in the mood to take it up the ass tonight."

"Yeah?" He eyes my cock which seems to be thoroughly in the mood. "What'd _I_ do to fuck you over?"

The bitterness wells up as I snarl at him. "How about angling to screw Bella and taking her that concert Friday night, for starters? I'm in deep shit, I'm grounded so no way _I_ can go. But hey - you two go and have yourselves a lovely time. She talked Charlie around."

"Man, talk about the green-eyed monster. It doesn't occur to you that you're the one that got yourself into this fucking mess? And it's just a concert, not an all-night fuckfest. Or am I not allowed to spend any time with _your_ girl at all now? Fuck _you_, Edward."

We're both breathing hard and staring each other down and he's right, she's my girl and I _don't_ want him going on dates with her, sex or no sex. And I _really_ don't want him fucking her, that's for fucking sure.

I lurch forward on my knees and push him back down on the bed, pinning his arms as I glower at him. No damn kissing, my lip's too fucking sore.

"Fuck you, Black, can't you see? I'm a fucking mess right now so back off from Bella 'cause I just can't stand it. I don't give a shit if it's unfair, I'm losing it here. I'm facing a suspension, maybe assault charges and I'm on fucking lockdown for Christ knows how long. I am so. Not. In. The mood. To be fucked over."

Jake stares up at me, pupils wide and dark. He arches up then so his cock touches mine and we're both rock hard. Whispering. "You're in the mood to fuck _me_ though aren't you, Eds?"

"Don't fucking call me _Eds_" I growl but he's grinding against me and he's right, I _do_ want to fuck him. "I want to top. I want to fuck you hard, I'm not in the mood for fluff tonight."

He stares right back at me, stroking my ass and rubbing his cock against mine. His voice is hoarse. "Yeah, fuck me, Edward, fuck me hard. I want you inside me."

And I'm gone, swept away on the hot tide, barely able to grab the lube and a condom, my hands shaking with need until Jake takes the package from me and rolls the rubber onto my erection. I'm so sensitive that I cry out when he touches my cock, pressing the palm of my hand across my mouth to muffle the sound and flinching again as my lip hurts.

I slick my fingers with lube and just push them into him, one, then two, and he gasps and clutches the quilt, bucking up as I ram them deeply into him. I feel the swelling of his prostate and stroke it as I fuck him and he thrashes violently, arching backwards and groaning.

"Fucking keep it down, Jake," I growl and he whines, grabbing a pillow and biting it as his hips move helplessly.

No, not this way, I want to take him. I pull my hand out and turn him, up on his knees and forearms, head hanging down, his long hair spilling on the bed. I slick my cock with my lubed hand and kneel between his thighs, steadying his hips as I push myself into him hard, in one long thrust. No pausing, no checking if he's OK, I just have to fuck him and a moan rips from me as his tight heat closes around my cock, sucking me in. _Fuck _that's good.

Jake whimpers and his hips pump and I'm ramming myself into him in a frenzy, pulling his hips back hard against me, rearing up and pounding into him. Sweat runs down between my shoulder blades and my bruised foot hurts but I don't care, I just have to bury myself inside him, to take him and fuck him and own him.

I arch forward and mutter in his ear, telling him what I'm doing and what I'm going to do, and he writhes beneath me, excited. _Fuck you so hard, gonna make you come, gonna come inside you._

He's biting the pillow and sobbing, bucking back onto me and pumping his cock with his hand as my back curls like a rutting dog and I jerk into him like a machine, lost in the rush as the need swells and bursts, filling my groin with fire and flooding out of my cock as I come with a shuddering moan.

I collapse onto Jake, slick against his back and I feel him spasm into his hand as we fall to the bed in a sweaty heap.

And falling into sleep soon after, because I've had it with today, I want out.

 


	16. Cunning Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

_   
_

_Bella_

I'm sitting outside the principal's office in an uncomfortable plastic chair. I cross my legs to stop jittering, but it's not working and Mrs Frump his secretary gives me a nasty look as I kick the chair's legs surreptitiously. Not her real name, fuck knows what that is, but it suits her, peering at me with her mousy hair and thick spectacles, her breasts (troubling thought) welded by some unseen industrial-strength harness into one solid shelf under a lumpy brown hand-knitted sweater. I bare my teeth at her, attempting a grin but probably just looking unbalanced. She sniffs, pursing her lips, and returns to bashing at a keyboard.

What the _fuck_ is going on in there with Edward and his Mom?

Finally I'm called in and I park myself in another uncomfortable plastic chair beside Esme. I'm sure it's a goddam ploy to keep us feeling on edge - the big guy behind the desk has a padded leather swivel number of course. Edward's looking down, arms folded and very subdued, on his best behavior but with the usual sullen edge which won't be helping. Esme's unhappy and she shoots me a dirty look. Why? What did I do? No, don't answer that. Well, I didn't beat up Michael fucking Newton. Wanted to, though.

The principal's rambling on about Edward's story being that he hit Mike because Mike insulted me, and can I shed any light on that? I allow myself a brief moment of silent fury at Edward for losing it after I told him not to and putting us in this embarrassing situation. Shit - how can I explain that Edward probably punched Newton because we gave him the ammo to bully us about a public display of deviant affection? Stick as close to the truth as possible and play the bullying card I guess - it's a hot topic these days with hall posters exhorting us to report harassment and tragic tales on TV of kids driven to suicide by text message nastiness.

"I'm afraid it's true Sir," I say quietly, trying to sound timid and easily bullied. "I haven't been here that long, and Mike…he…he came on to me soon after I arrived…" I manage to blush on order at this point, a handy reflex to have sometimes. "And I turned him down. He hasn't taken it well and he keeps…harassing me." I ramp up the blush and squirm in my seat a bit. "Edward and I…well recently we've started…dating...."

Esme shoots me a quick sidelong frown, not happy about that at all, no siree.

"Anyway, Edward gets…upset…when Mike bullies me." Nice going, slipped in the B word. "I don't know exactly what Mike said about me in the locker room but it's usually…" I'm staring at my hands which are folded tightly in my lap, the knuckles white, and putting a faint sniffle in my voice, "…that, that I'm…a whore…or a lesbian…"

Oooh, the L word as well. That's made the adults uncomfortable and the principal clears his throat nervously. Edward glances at me to check I am acting and I'm not really too upset. I don't make eye contact but he seems reassured.

"Yes, well. A pity you didn't report this sooner Miss Swan. Hmmph. Well, it seems that there was some provocation Mr Cullen, but it's not acceptable to resort to violence. One more infraction of this type and the consequences will be far more serious. As it is, you're suspended until Monday and you'll have Saturday detention for four weeks, starting this weekend. Eight a.m. to noon and bring homework to keep you busy. Is that clear?"

Edward grimaces but he doesn't argue, just nods his head. Esme thanks the principal, gives me another filthy look as though I'm single-handedly responsible for her baby boy's woes, and we escape past Mrs Frump who eyes me suspiciously as we file out into the hall. Fucking Edward's got them all twisted around his goddam pinky, it's very annoying.

Esme isn't going to give us any leeway to talk in private, standing there clutching her purse as though she's having a hard time not bashing me over the head with it. Edward and I mutter "bye" awkwardly and I head back to class as Esme frog marches him out to the parking lot.

Oh well, it could have been worse. Newton must have gotten hauled over the coals as well and I hear later via the gossip machine that his father got called in for a meeting too. Apparently there'll be no charges laid with my counter-allegations of bullying and sexual harassment muddying the water. Thank Christ - the last thing I need is Charlie getting involved.

* * *

I call Edward that night and tell him the news: he sounds relieved.

"Saturday school, huh?" I try to be sympathetic, but really I'm cursing inwardly about how this will mess up our plans for the weekends.

"Yeah." He sounds glum. "But you'll still do the sleepover thing with Alice, right? I'll be back home for the afternoons so we can still…"

"Well, but we're going to have to be very fucking careful, the way Esme was glaring at me."

He laughs shortly. "Mmm. Not the best way to announce we're dating, while being keel-hauled by the principal. Esme's definitely going to take some careful handling. But once they're all in bed at night, Bella, then it'll be OK. They never come up to my room when it's late. Alice's got a day-bed in her room, a sort of divan - that's where Esme'll put you. No way she'll put you in the guest room along the hall from my room - she doesn't trust either of us." I can hear him smirking. Well, he's resilient, I'll give him that.

"OK, so once it's safe I'll sneak out and come upstairs. But I want to stay and sleep with you both. I mean really sleep - you know…"

"Yeah, I want that as well. Just have to use the alarm to wake us up early enough. No-one gets up before eight at the earliest on Sundays anyway. Jake'll have to sneak out down the fire-escape around then."

"Oh, is that how he gets in? And how much practice has he had at _that_ then?" I'm not sure what I feel about them having late night trysts. Kind of turned on, actually. Not sure why it doesn't upset me more, Edward being with Jake, but it seems so different to what we have, separate somehow. Mostly it just makes me hot to imagine them together.

"Umm, a couple of times…not much…you know it's not the same as when we…what we…"

"Yeah, I know." We're quiet for a while but it's a good silence, warm.

"I want you so much…" Edward whispers. "Can't wait for Saturday, to touch you again, to hold you and kiss you. Fuck, I love kissing you, Bella, you taste so good."

"Yeah…miss you too. So much." I hear a faint, needy whimper in my voice. God I'm pathetic, I'm completely fucking gone on him, even though he's an idiot. "Please don't get into any more fights, Edward, please. I hate to see you hurt."

"No, I won't - I'm sorry, I fucked up." He sounds so miserable I can't bear it.

"Yeah, you're a fuck-up but you're _my_ fuck-up, alright? I love you, Edward." My voice is rough.

I hear him suck his breath in sharply, then he sighs as he whispers "And I love _you_, so much, you can't imagine. I'm _your_ fuck-up, baby, always..."

We listen to each other's breathing. This is real, this is what matters.

"Bella? This thing with Jake…and us?" He sounds uncertain.

"Yeah. I don't know…" It's a mess. How did we let it get this complicated? "I don't want to hurt him, but I don't think we can all…I don't think you can cope with Jake and me…can you? And I don't think I even want that any more. But when we're all together it's really good, so fucking exciting." I feel ashamed. It seems so wrong to just…what? Use Jake for sex? But I do feel more for him than that, I feel affection and a kind of love, just not the same as it is with Edward. Nowhere near the same if I'm honest.

"You don't want that? You and Jake?" God, he sounds so hopeful, as though a weight's been lifted off him. I hadn't realised quite how hard it had been for him and I feel guilty.

"No, I've been thinking. I won't go to that concert with him. I don't mind you and Jake…getting it on sometimes. Shit, it turns me on to think about it. And it's hot to have him with us, all three of us. But no, I don't really want to be with him alone, it'd feel like I was…was cheating on you somehow. Damn, this makes no sense at all and I'm kind of pissed off that you've somehow ended up getting it on with _both_ of us. How the fuck did you pull _that_ off, Cullen? _Man,_ you're sneaky." I am sort of pissed, but it's as much with myself as with him and I'm amused as well. He hears it in my voice.

"Yeah, well I suspect I'd better be very careful what I say now, 'cause you're being much more understanding about it than I've any right to expect. You're just so goddam sexy, both of you." There's a pause and I can almost see the crooked smile. "Does it really turn you on so much to think about Jake and me together?" he sounds curious, and not a little turned on himself.

I make sure my door's locked and lie down on the bed. "Yeah." My voice is deeper than usual. "It's really hot seeing you kiss and imagining what you do…together."

"Well you've seen us do some things, but why don't I tell you, baby?" His voice is soft and intense and it makes me bite my lip.

Oh fuck yes, tell me, Edward. "Yes…" I whisper.

"Shall I tell you what we did at the motel? You've been dying to hear about it haven't you, baby, you want all the details, don't you?"

I can't speak, I just make a whimpering noise.

"Yeah, Bella, touch yourself while I tell you" he whispers and my hand slides down my old cotton top and I slip off my panties. Fuck, I'm so wet already, as his voice curls out of the handset into my ear, soft and seductive.

"First I took off all his clothes, and mine too and you know how beautiful he is, and his cock's so big, Bella, it's so big and when I stroke it it gets so fucking hard."

I moan helplessly, my fingers busy between my legs. So big, so hard, oh fuck…

Edward's voice is a little ragged now. "I pushed him back on the bed and I took that beautiful cock in my mouth, Bella. You know how it feels don't you, baby? You've had him in your mouth too. He's so hot and silky and that vein down the underside…uhhn…" We're both panting now and I have to swallow, my mouth's watering at the thought of having Jake's cock in it, twitching and straining as I swallow him down.

"Yeah, so I sucked his big, hard, hot cock, baby, I licked him and sucked him and I ran my tongue around the head and he was quivering in my mouth like an animal, like his cock was alive…oh fuck, Bella…so fucking hot…" He's moaning and gasping now and I'm so close but I drag my hand away and stop myself.

"Wait, wait, not yet, Edward, stop." I hear him moan with frustration then his breathing calms a little.

"Tell me what he did to you, Edward. Tell me if he fucked you." I'm beyond shame, so completely turned on I don't care.

"Yeah he did, a bit later. Even a seventeen year old needs a little recovery time you know." He's still breathing heavily and I can hear the grin. "Shall I tell you what happened? Would you like to hear how he fucked me?"

"Yes…God yes…" Whispering again.

"Well he put a rubber on, you'll be glad to know, and we had some lube. It hurts too much without it. Have you ever been fucked in the ass, Bella?"

"N-No, never…"

"Mmmm. Have to do it some time, it's good baby, promise, but I'd have to prepare you a bit. God you'd be so tight, so hot…fuck…" He's breathing fast again, his words a heated whisper. "Fuck, where was I, yeah, so…Jake. So I was lying on my face on the bed, kind of wasted after he'd sucked me off as well. And I felt him lying alongside me, half across my back and his hand stroking my ass. Then he was pressing his fingers into my crack and I felt the wetness of the lube. He stroked around my asshole and pushed his finger in just a little, and then further and further until it was deep inside me. Fuck he's got big fingers, Bella, and then he pushed another finger in as well and they were so slippery and sliding up inside my ass and making me hard again…oh Jesus it felt good…and there's a place in there - it's kind of like your G-spot - and he found it and stroked it and it drove me fucking wild, baby, I was so hot and hard again, moving on his fingers…oh fuck…"

He moans and so do I and I have to slide my fingers back down again and touch myself, almost coming on contact and I'm so fucking close as he whispers, his voice hoarse, panting now.

"He pulls me up on my knees and I feel his cock pressing, all slick and it's so big, baby, it's so big but he pushes it in and waits for me to adjust because it hurts a bit, but he's moving now, in and out and he's so big he fills me so completely, pushing in more and more and the head of his cock finds that place and slides across it and I can't tell you how good…fuck Bella…so good as he just fucks me deep and fucking hot and so hard up inside me…oh yes…oh baby…so good to be fucked hard…oh fuck I'm coming!"

And we moan together, my fingers thrusting inside me as I arch and writhe, his cries smothered in the bedclothes as we both drop our phones and lose ourselves in the frantic moment.

* * *

The drawback with phone sex is that you're apart afterwards, when the red mists clear. That's when you feel a bit cold and exposed and your brain kicks in again with all sorts of awkward conscious bullshit. Usually its OK because you can hold each other and kiss and be reassured that everything's still alright, but we're miles apart on our separate beds as we pick up our phones again and wonder what the hell to say next after that little escapade.

"Ummm, yes. Bella? You there? Erm, baby?"

"Yeah, I'm here, Edward. Damn, I want to be in your bed with my arms around you. That was…amazing, thanks."

I hear him sigh with relief. "Jesus. I got kind of carried away again, was worried I'd gone too far - you know, the whole chicken, not just a feather."

I grin. "Yeah, well it _was_ pretty much a whole poultry experience but I liked it. Fuck that was hot."

We're quiet for a bit, just breathing. "Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"About the weekend. Could we still study with Jake? He's really worried about that test you know. But he's working on the boats at the weekend, fishing. He could bring me over at six though for the sleepover and we could still do some study in the evening. Could you…would you talk to Esme and Carlisle about it?"

He thinks for a bit. "I can try. You know I'm worried Carlisle'll say something…something shitty to Jake. And the biker thing too, that'll freak them out. Can you get Jake to change out of the leathers at your place and leave the bike there? If he comes with you in the truck I can say he's your friend. Maybe they'll accept that more readily."

"OK, I'll talk to Jake. You're not going to tell them he's from the rez, are you?"

"No, fuck, it shouldn't be an issue and I'm not going to ask their goddam permission, not about _that_. Carlisle can get fucked. He'd better not give Jake a hard time, though."

"Esme's not going to be a pushover either you know, she was giving me some pretty nasty looks. Reckon she thinks I've corrupted her boy."

"Yeah well, Esme and me, that shit's been brewing for a while. Got to cut the apron strings sooner or later. Not that right now would be the best timing for a showdown with her with me already in the doghouse." He sighs.

"No, I guess not. So we'll try to get Jake and me over for an evening study session - where, downstairs somewhere?"

"The living room I guess - the others'll most likely be in the TV room."

"OK. Then I'll stay on for the sleepover with Alice - Alice already got Esme to say yes to that. Course, that was before the dating revelation in the principal's office - bet Esme wishes she hadn't said yes now, but it'll be hard for her to back out just because you fucked up, right? But maybe you should talk to Alice, you know?"

"Yeah, I'll get her on side. I'll tell her what Newton actually said."

"So what _was_ that anyway?"

"Pretty much exactly what you told the principal, but in cruder terms."

"Fucktard."

"Yeah, he's a prince. But I'm deaf to his shit now, OK? I learned the hard way."

"Good, he's not worth the hassle. Alright, so Saturday. Jake'll need to head home after the study session, I guess in my truck, right? That's good as it gives him an excuse to collect me on Sunday and we can do some more study then. Or wait, no, he'll be on the boats again, damn."

"Alice can run you home if you can't wait til he gets free at six. But you know he won't really go home on Saturday night, Bella, he'll park the truck and meet us up in the room."

"Yeah, I figured as much. We're going to have to talk some more you know, about all this…us and Jake. He's not going to be thrilled if he can't…if I won't. I mean, it _is_ pretty goddam unfair."

"Life's unfair. If he wants out then that's his choice. You think he will…er…break up with us?"

"Shit, I don't know. Maybe. Fuck knows he ought to." A huge yawn grips me and sets Edward off too. "You should get some sleep, Edward, you must be exhausted."

"Slept most of the day, it's what I do to get away from stuff I can't handle. But yeah, I am tired, and you need your rest. Talk to you again tomorrow? Promise no whole chickens."

"Damn, and I was looking forward to the next installment." I grin drowsily. "OK fuckup, sleep tight."

"Yeah, love you too, O corrupter of innocents."

"Shut it with the dirty talk or we'll be here all night."

I make a kissing noise and clamshell the phone, rolling over under the comforter and drifting into sleep, imagining Edward curled warm against my back, his breath soft on my neck.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So (because people have asked before), the chicken joke alluded to in this chapter is:  
> _What's the difference between erotic and kinky?  
> With erotic you just use a feather, with kinky you use the whole chicken…_


	17. Bad News

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

_   
_

_Jake_

I'm out back after school on Friday, tuning up Sophie, when I hear her old truck rumble to a stop on the road. I'm not expecting Bella yet, just trying to call her to finalise plans for the concert later on. I realised this morning that we wouldn't be able to take the Volvo now, and it was looking like a long trip on Sophie or in Bella's old truck - hell, I'm not even sure her decrepit vehicle could make it there and back. So I figure I'd better talk to Bella and I leave her a couple of texts - but instead of texting me back, here she is in person.

My heart speeds up a little as I walk round the side of the house to meet her. She's clambering awkwardly down from the truck and this frilly sort of skirt she's wearing hikes up as she slides down, giving me a brief flash of thigh-high stockings and pink boy shorts before she smooths it down, a bit flustered. Oh damn, that's causing some containment issues in the Levis as I try to think of anything else but Bella's sweet thighs and ass. Shit, not working. I jam my hands in my pockets and hold the front of my jeans out a little in a desperate concealment attempt, leaning against the corner of the house and trying to look nonchalant.

"Bella - hi. Did you get my texts then? About tonight?"

She startles a little, then turns and heads across the grass toward me.

"Oh! Jake, I didn't notice you there. Umm, yeah, got the texts, but I wanted to see you."

She looks a little odd - is she anxious? She's biting her lip. I'm getting a bad feeling suddenly, a thin, cold trickle of fear down my spine and the problem in my groin vanishes. I go to meet her and I can't help myself, I reach out and run my fingers down the curve of her cheek and lean in for a quick kiss, hand in her hair. She lets me hug her but I can feel she's tense about something.

"Always happy to see you, Bells, you know that." I whisper against her hair, but she's pulling back again.

"Jake - I can't go to the concert!" she blurts out.

"Oh. Well...no harm done cos I was gonna get the tickets there and I guess it would have been more difficult than we'd expected, without Edward's car. I was thinking, your truck probably won't go the distance, and it's a long, cold ride on Sophie-"

She cuts off my rambling attempts to hide my disappointment. "Yeah, but that's not really why. Damn - is there somewhere we can talk Jake? Alone?"

Billy's inside and he'll want to say Hi at some point, but that can wait so I lead her around to my workshop out back where there's a decrepit sofa made from an old Chrysler's bench seat, and a couple of cheap plastic chairs. It's next to the beer cooler and Quil, Embry and I hang out here a lot. It's not very warm so I flick on an old fan heater.

"Want a beer?" She nods and I get us both one from the fridge, popping the tab before I hand hers to her.

Bella sits down on the worn vinyl car seat and I take one of the chairs. The bad feeling ratchets up a notch and there's a tightness in my throat. I wait for her to spit it out, staring at the can, cold and heavy in my hands.

"You know about Edward and the fight?"

"I saw him Wednesday night. He's pretty messed up."

I look up at her, wondering if she knows that "saw him" means fucked him. Or he fucked me, anyway. I shiver a little, remembering how intense it was, trying not to let it show as she gives me a troubled stare, still biting her lip. I want to smooth her poor abused lip with my thumb, but I don't move.

"Yeah, that asswipe Newton again. Edward's got Saturday school the next four weekends in the mornings, but it sounds as though there won't be any assault charges. He probably got off lightly, but his parents are furious and he's on lockdown."

"Uh-huh, he said that. He was pretty pissed. He didn't want us going to the concert by ourselves - is that what this is about?"

She squirms, glancing off so as to avoid my eyes and noticing a calendar from the local gas station featuring a tousled blond in a lime green postage stamp bikini. Her huge tits are resisting gravity in an unnatural manner as she poses, pouting, on the hood of a Lexus.

"Nice wall decoration, Jake," she says in a snarky voice. "She looks like a real mechanical expert..."

I won't be distracted. "Is it? He's a jealous prick. Are you going to let him run your life, Bells?"

She's angry now, glaring at me, her cheeks pink. So fucking gorgeous. "No-one runs my life except me, Jake, and that includes you."

"Yeah, yeah, you're a regular Gloria Steinem, I know." I grin to placate her and take a swig of beer, wiping my mouth on the back of my hand. Girls these days, so goddam touchy. Sheesh.

Her eyes narrow but she calms down a bit. "I know he's jealous, but it's more than that, Jake. There's something he won't tell me about, something that happened when he was young I think. It keeps him...insecure somehow. And he's on such a short fuse - can't you feel the anger in him just bubbling below the surface?"

I flush, remembering Wednesday, his rage as he took me and how much I liked him being dominant, how much it turned me on. I shift a little in the chair, my cock twitching, stiffening. No, don't think about that, think about cold showers, icebergs, glaciers, snowstorms. Not working. I hold the chilled can between my legs on the edge of the chair, pressing it to my crotch which shrivels immediately. _Fuck_ that's cold.

"Jake? Are you OK?"

"Yeah," I mutter, trying not to wince and taking another swig of beer now the groin's deflated. "I see it too - the anger. He hasn't told me what it's about either. But that's no excuse - just because he's got some fucked-up past doesn't mean he's the boss of you...or me." Unless he's in my bed and I want it that way.

She frowns. "No, of course not - I agree that's no excuse. It's just...I don't want to hurt him, Jake. I love him."

She turns those eyes on me full-beam, pleading. Not fair, using dirty tactics as the breath hitches in my chest and I'm caught in her gaze like goddam road-kill.

I chug down the last of the beer and crush the can in my hand, channeling my frustration into the soft metal. "Yeah, you love him. Got that. So what's that mean for us, then? Is there an 'us'?" I look away at Sophie, caring too much about her answer to meet her eye.

"I...I don't know Jake. I do care about you, and the time we had together, all three of us, that was really special. It was so exciting...and it felt good and made me happy, to love you both." Her voice sounds pleading now, but it hurts that she doesn't really want me, just me, she doesn't really love _me_.

"_But_," I say bitterly. "Go on, say it, I can hear the 'but' in your voice. 'I love you, Jake, _but'_..."

"Yeah, I'm sorry..." Her voice trails off.

So quiet in the room I can hear the surf breaking on First Beach, the trees outside creaking in the breeze. A piece of loose plastic over the window flaps as I struggle to control my feelings. I can't stay still so I get up and walk across the room, throwing the crushed can hard into a corner. I lean my head on the rough wooden joists and speak into the wall, miserable and angry.

"So what am I then? Just a fuck toy for you and Edward?"

She sucks her breath in. "No! How can you say that!"

I whirl around and stare her down, tears pricking the corners of my eyes. "Because it's fucking _true,_ Bella. Edward just wants to fuck me cos he likes getting it on with guys, and you want the thrill of kinky threesomes. Neither of you give a flying fuck about what _I_ want, how _I_ feel." I know it's not really that simple and I'm acting like a spoiled, whiny child but I'm past being sensible. I turn away again and slam my fist into the joist, making the wall vibrate. Old, tired bile from way back wells up in me and spills over. "Of course you'd choose a rich white _doctor's_ son over me, I'm just a no account kid from the rez who's got no cash and who's never likely to amount to much. You're just like all the rest of them, Bella when it comes down to it, even if Charlie and Billy are friends."

Then she's behind me, flailing at my back with her small hands, furious, with her hair all wild.

"Fuck you, Jacob Black, how _dare_ you say that? This has got _nothing_ to do with you being Quileute and you fucking know it. You've got a fucking nerve, accusing me of that, you asshole. And I _do_ care about you, I do, and Edward does too, it's just that this thing between him and me is stronger, it's like nothing I ever felt before. But I do love you you stupid jerk, I loved you like a friend for years but lately, lately... it's more than that. It's just that I can't...and Edward...and it's such a fucking mess...oh _Jake!_"

And I'm turning and she's in my arms, sobbing against my chest, and tears are running down my cheeks as well as I hold her. I'm so fired up I can't help myself, I bend and lift her, carrying her to the makeshift couch and sitting with her in my lap, straddling me as I hold her face and kiss her deeply, passion and pain and rage and longing in the kiss as I strain against her and press her down on my swollen cock. I'm so hard and I want her and I don't care if she's using me, I don't care if it's a pity fuck, I just don't care.

Bella's kissing me back but we have to break for air. Then she's pulling away, muttering _no Jake, we mustn't_ but I take no notice and my hand's behind her head, my mouth back on hers again, tongue busy and insistent, not letting her say no, not letting her think. My hand's up under her skirt and I'm pushing the soft fabric of her shorts aside, stroking her, sliding my fingers inside her as she whimpers protests into my mouth. At first she struggles vaguely to avoid my touch but her movements only cause her to arch and rub against me and soon she's moving with my hand, her hips bucking as my thumb slides across her clit and she moans helplessly, protest forgotten.

Her eyes are glazed and her mouth's open as I fuck her with my fingers. She's gasping and clutching my shirt then she pulls it open and leans in, sucking on my nipple and fire washes through me, making me push up hard against her as her small arms go around my chest..._oh fuck, Bella, please_... and oh Jesus her hot wetness sucking my fingers in.

I wrench the Levis down frantically and find a condom in my jeans jacket pocket, rolling it on while still kissing her, trying to stop her from having second thoughts the moment I stop touching her. She pulls back though, her legs quivering and her mouth's by my ear and she's gasping _no Jake, no stop we can't_. But we can and we are and we have to, I have to and I push up her skirt again and rip off her shorts in desperation, holding her captive as I stroke and finger her until she's grunting and arching and there's no more _no Jake_ it's all _yes yes oh please. _

I part her legs wider and taking the shaft of my cock I rub circles around her clit with the glans, making her rut against me, eyes closed, lost in sensation. Her hand comes down over mine on my erection, and she's rubbing the head against her, up and down her wet slit as she pumps her hips and pants, her head falling back, mouth open.

She shifts her hips then and sinks down on me..._oh fuck that's good_...she's so slippery and hot and I just let go and pump her sweet cunt for all I'm worth, thrusting up inside her as I shut my eyes and grip her tightly to me, my mouth on her mouth, my hand on her hips, impaling her with my tongue and my hard cock.

The blood's beating in every part of me and I'm filled with fierce triumph because I'm finally doing it, I'm fucking my Bella like I've longed to forever and it's just me and her, no Edward interfering or controlling us. In the back of my mind there's a thread of guilt, a faint whisper that this isn't right and we'll pay for it later. I pull Bella to me and bury the stupid whisper, pounding it away as I thrust myself up into her body with my face in her hair. The waves of pleasure consume me until it all rushes out and I spill inside her, shaking and moaning her name.

I don't stop, still moving and thrusting as I slide my hand between us and caress her clit, flicking it gently and murmuring to her _good girl, yes baby, come on baby, that's right_ until she shudders and falls against my chest, whimpering as her hips buck spasmodically, her head falling slack and heavy into the crook of my neck as I hold her and stroke her tangled hair, telling her it's good, it's OK, it's alright now.

But it's not alright.

* * *

 

_Bella_

I lie loose on Jake's chest afterwards, exhausted as he strokes me, but my mind's whirling already, the feelings welling up in a confused mass while I catch my breath. Anger with myself and with Jake, and guilt and shame. And anger with Edward because he wanted to have it all - both me and Jake and for us to all fuck each other so what the hell can he expect? That we'd draw the line neatly and not be tempted when we're by ourselves? Not rational though, I know he won't be rational about it, he'll just react.

And I'm afraid as well as guilty, fear coiling in my belly at the thought of telling Edward what's happened, especially the way he is right now, so angry and beleaguered. I think back to what I said on the phone yesterday and it's true - it feels as though I've cheated on him.

I can't process it all or figure out what to do, and hot tears squeeze out and trickle down my face. Jake notices when I sniffle, holding me back and gazing at me with a guilty, questioning look. I pull away from him abruptly, wiping my eyes and huddling on the couch, wrapping my knees in my skirt. I leave him to deal with the condom and clean himself up, hurried and sordid in the aftermath as we stare down the barrel of our actions.

"Bella?" He sounds so lost. "Baby? I - I'm sorry if I made you do something you didn't want to...I know you said no at the start but I...fuck, I just wanted you too much and you seemed to-"

"Yeah well, that's the problem, isn't it Jake?" I'm bitter, focussing on an old stained rug on the concrete floor and shivering a little as I clutch my knees. "Obviously I did want to, or at least I was pretty easy to persuade. You're not such a shit that you'd rape me. But you know he won't be able to cope with it so what the fuck do I do now? Lie to him? Tell him you forced me when you didn't? I don't think so."

"Can we just...not tell him? For a while anyway? Until he's more together?"

"'Secrets and Lies' huh? And when's he going to be together enough to handle this sort of news? The longer it goes without him knowing, the worse it'll be when he finds out. Fuck. FUCK. And I'm such a natural liar as well Jake, so yeah, that'll work..." I bury my head in my knees and groan.

"Jeez, Bella, I don't know." Jake's up and pacing now, running his hands agitatedly through his long hair. "Why does it always have to be all about _him_? He's the one who started fucking us both and he wanted us all to get together - maybe not as much as me but still, he's not a fucking innocent in all this!"

"None of us are innocent, are we? But shit, Jake, I talked to him yesterday and I came here tonight to tell you that I couldn't go on dates with you, just you and me, or have sex with just you, because it hurts him too much, he can't handle it. And what happens? You get all hurt about that so I end up fucking you anyway! It's me, I'm just so goddam weak. I can't bear to hurt anyone, have to please everyone, have to be liked. I've got no fucking spine and it's all my fucking fault..." I trail off into gulping sobs, rocking, my hands over my face.

Jake sits beside me, pulling me into his arms, his cheek on my hair as he tries to soothe me.

"Don't beat yourself up, Bells, it was my fault. I've wanted you so much for so long I just couldn't hold back and take no for an answer. I knew Edward didn't want this but I just thought _fuck him_ and did it anyway. Oh Jeez, he's going to kill me when he finds out..."

We huddle together, trying find comfort, locked in our mutual guilt and our fear of Edward and for him. Finally I'm a little calmer, though I don't really feel much better, my stomach still clenched and my breathing too fast.

"We have to be practical, Jake. He expects us tomorrow, around six, after you've worked on the boats. The plan is that you'll come to my place and we'll go over together to Edward's in my truck for a study session."

"To Edward's? I thought he didn't want?-"

"He's worried that his folks will get freaked by you on Sophie in all your biker gear. Could you change at my place and leave the leathers behind? It would make things a bit easier."

We both contemplate the idiocy of that - yeah, like Jake not wearing leather is going to make any of this easier. Shit. I shake my head. "Anyway, Edward thinks he can talk Esme and Carlisle round to us coming over to study even though he's on lockdown, as long as we stay downstairs. I mean, him tutoring us in math, it's a good cause, right? Hard for them to say no. That's the plan, anyway."

"So, what? You stay on for the sleepover and I leave - in your truck?"

"Yeah, but you park it nearby and come back - you know, up the fire escape like you do. Shit, why is Edward allowed to be so damn precious about you and me when I can cope with him getting it on with fucking Spiderman at all hours?"

"Maybe he's _not_ allowed to be that goddam precious. Maybe we should just tough it out and force him to deal with it?"

We gaze anxiously at each other, but neither of us looks all that convinced. I'm_ so_ not looking forward to this particular heap of shit hitting the fan, when it inevitably does. How could I ever have thought that getting it on with Jake would defuse the situation between me and Edward? It feels like I'm sitting on a lit goddam powder keg.

But we have to get things a bit more back to normal somehow, I can't face telling Edward this weekend, I just can't. Maybe in a while when he's calmer and it's safely in the past he won't take it so badly. Yeah, right. I know I'm deluding myself but I push that away and pretend it'll all work out in the end. It has to - I can't lose Edward, I can't.

So I swear Jake to silence and we straighten ourselves up and go in to see Billy. He chats away readily but I see him giving me considering glances and I feel it's written all over my face. Shit, we probably smell of sex and guilt, the eternal _eau de teenager_. Billy's not looking too well though, his face is a bit drawn and I wonder if he's having some pain. It can't be easy with the diabetes and being largely confined to a wheelchair. Jake fusses around him but Billy's a bit tetchy and after a while I excuse myself and head home to get dinner organised.

Jake walks me to the truck. He puts a hand on my arm as I'm about to clamber in, and I turn.

"I'm not sorry, Bells...well, I am about Edward and all that, but not about wanting you. I love you too." He takes a deep breath, squeezing his eyes shut for a second then getting himself in control again, his eyes a little too bright, blinking rapidly. "But I know you love him more, so I won't fuck that up. I won't do this again."

"Jesus, Jake, I'm so sorry." I feel like a complete shit, seeing his pain, knowing I'm the cause.

"I'll see you tomorrow and I'll keep...doing what we've been doing...because it's the only way I can be with you. But I don't know how long I can stand it. If I was stronger I'd just fuck off...but there's Billy, he needs me." He swallows. "So I'll take what I can get, and I won't ask you for more."

He pulls me into a rough hug then boosts me up into the cab, his face a mask again. I stare at him miserably then crash the stupid fucking gears, making him wince and grin, and I drive away.

He's still standing there at the curb as I look back in the rear-view mirror, a solitary figure diminishing in size until the houses and trees finally swallow him up.

 


	18. Do the Math

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

_   
_

_Bella_

My old truck rumbles down the narrow road to the Cullen place. I've got the headlamps on as it's dark under the trees in the deepening dusk. Jake's slouched beside me in a brooding silence. He's tired after a day on the boats, but he's also pissed that I made him change into jeans and sneakers. He insisted on keeping his beloved leather jacket on, though. We stashed Sophie in my back yard and like most guys, he dislikes being in the passenger seat. But he's too tired to put up much of a fight. We got ourselves some burgers on the way over as I know Esme isn't best pleased about the study date and I don't think she'll feed us as well.

Edward comes out to the front steps to greet us. He grins at Jake and gives me a soft kiss on the cheek, then takes the backpack with our books from me and leads us inside, calling out loudly "We'll set ourselves up in the living room!" as we cross the front hall. The scent of some sort of roasted meat drifts out from the kitchen and I see Jake's nostrils flare. Still up for it after two cheeseburgers and fries, typical guy.

We seem to have the room to ourselves. It's spacious and airy, all white, with green and blue touches in cushions and drapes. There's rather a lovely painting of blue hydrangeas on the wall and I go over to study it, Edward coming up behind me, slightly too close so I can feel him touching me all along my butt and back. It makes my belly clench as he whispers in my ear.

"Do you like it?"

I nod and step away a little - what if his parents come in?

He steps forward again, his hands on my hips, pulling me against him. "Esme painted it. She's quite talented with still lifes."

My groin's feeling warm as his hardness presses into my ass. I twist away from him and he's smirking, the bastard.

"Will you _stop_ that!" I hiss in an irritated whisper. "Esme'll catch us and she already hates me!"

He grins, unrepentant, and winks, licking his lips. "They're still having dinner."

There's a soft snore from the couch and I look over to see Jake subsiding into sleep, sprawled sideways with his head on the cushions and his big sneakered feet still on the floor.

"Damn. He's exhausted after the boats. How are we going to get him to concentrate on studying?" I bend over Jake and stroke his face. "Jake! Wake the hell up, we have to do trig!"

For some reason that inducement doesn't bring him leaping to his feet, raring to go. "And calculus!" Even threats aren't penetrating.

"Coffee, Edward, we need coffee."

"OK. Come in with me and say hello, it might placate them a little."

Doubt it. But I tag along, trying to look like a keen student so desperate about her math grade she'll turn up for study on a Saturday evening. Jeez - how did we ever think they'd buy _that_ story?

The Cullens are finishing dinner at a large table in the roomy kitchen. Carlisle and Esme are at either end, mater- and paterfamilias. Alice and Emmett sit between them with a dirty plate in the fifth setting where Edward obviously ate and ran. Three heads turn our way as we enter, but Emmett just keeps on shovelling in the roast beef.

"Serious coffee lack," says Edward breezily, crossing to the counter and plugging in an electric kettle. "Jake's been on the fishing boats all day and he's worn out."

I blush and fold my arms, looking down. "Hi Mrs Cullen, Dr Cullen. Thanks for letting us come over to study."

Carlisle and Esme's faces are wearing identical sceptical looks. Alice is carefully neutral.

"Bella. Edward said that both you and…Jake…are struggling with math, dear." Esme's tone is smooth as a razor.

"Erm…yeah. Not my best subject, or Jake's. I prefer reading. Novels." I'm feeling a little desperate here, facing the Inquisition. Edward's doing something with filters and a plunger and putting mugs on a tray.

"Really?" Esme sounds as though in her view, the novel has been grossly misnamed. And overrated. She couldn't be more bored with the whole idea of literature. Even Carlisle shoots her a look, and Alice winces slightly. Emmett dissects his roast potatoes and coats a forkful with gravy. "What sort of books do you read, dear?"

"Er…the classics. _Wuthering Heights_, _Romeo and Juliet_, Jane Austen…"

"Ah. Romances. How sweet."

Romances? I'm about to launch into a defence of Jane and Emily's novels and explain that romances don't usually end up with a heap of dead bodies like in R&amp;J, but Edward flicks me a cautionary glance. "Sort of. I guess." I subside into sullen adolescence again, leaning on a cupboard and kicking vaguely at the skirting board.

"Careful, Bella dear, you'll scratch the paint. Actually, dear, would you mind terribly taking your shoes off and leaving them at the door? It's just that scuff marks do show dreadfully on the rugs, especially in the living room."

I flush, feeling shabby and resentful. What idiot puts white rugs in a living room anyway? Oh, that'd be Esme.

Edward shoots his mother a poisonous glare which is ignored. Alice has her head down, chasing a few rogue peas round her plate and Emmett's occupied knocking back a glass of Coke. Carlisle's eyes are narrowed and he's got a puzzled air. He's aware that something's going on but he's not sure what. Bet she doesn't make him leave _his_ shoes at the door - probably a rule that only applies to visitors from the wrong side of the tracks. Like cops' kids and boys from the rez. Pity we can't leave cooties on the furniture as a little souvenir.

"Yeah, sure," I mutter, and slouch off, radiating irritation. That went well. I kick my shoes off by the front door and return to the living room. No way am I going into that kitchen again to let Esme slice and dice me.

Still in a bad mood, I punch Jake in the arm. "Wake the fuck up, Jake!"

He snorts, disoriented as he lurches upright. "Wha? Jeez, Bella, watch it, my arms are sore."

"Give me your shoes, we're not supposed to wear them in here," I hiss in a stage whisper. He undoes the laces confusedly and I pull his sneakers off, trying not to breathe through my nose. Jesus, that smell could kill babies and decrepit seniors. Perhaps I should put them outside the front door? Nah, fuck it, let them stink up Esme's hallway.

When I return, Jake's rubbing his eyes sleepily and Edward's pouring coffee from the plunger carafe into mugs.

He looks up at me and shrugs apologetically. "Sorry. I don't know what's gotten into her."

"Yeah? Apart from loathing me, you mean? She's jealous, Edward."

"Oh, I don't think…she just worries about me…"

I snort and grab a mug, adding cream and sugar. Jake sucks down a couple of mugs of strong coffee and gradually perks up, finger-combing his hair and finding a scrap of leather thong to bind it back. He takes off his jacket and slings it across a chair. I groan. He's wearing a black T-shirt with

**NDNs  
do it  
on the rez**

on the front. The second N in NDN is reversed like the Nine Inch Nails logo. Nice one Jake, subtle. Still, Carlisle and Esme probably aren't big NIN fans so they may not get it.

We hit the books. Edward's remarkably patient given that Jake's tired and I'm royally pissed, at first anyway. I calm down gradually and find that I'm quite enjoying the way Edward's working with Jake, encouraging him to find the right solutions without spoon-feeding him. It's a side of Edward that I haven't seen before and I like it.

We're on the floor surrounded by opened books and bits of scrap paper with sample workings scribbled across them when Carlisle comes to retrieve the coffee plunger. Or to check on us - I'm sure he and Esme have some sort of surveillance planned. We all look up and Carlisle stops dead, staring at Jake. At Jake's T-shirt in fact, with a baffled frown, his lips almost mouthing the words.

"Jacob. I hadn't realised it was you…"

"Hi, Dr Cullen. Thanks for letting us come over."

"Er, yes…how's your finger?"

"Fine now, thanks." Jake sticks his right middle finger up and moves it to and fro to demonstrate. Unfortunately he does it so that he seems to be flipping Carlisle the bird. I snort, and Edward closes his eyes briefly, biting his lip.

"What? Oh, sorry, I didn't mean..." Jake narrows his eyes at us. "I dislocated it last year on the boats. Caught it in a winch. Anyway, it's good as new."

Edward nods solemnly. "Yes, it certainly does seem to be…fully functional now."

I have to fake a coughing fit to cover my laughter. Mmmm. If Carlisle only knew where that finger had been and what it could do. Jake glares at us, flushing a little.

Carlisle's looking irritated. "So Edward's helping you with math then, Jake?"

"Yeah, he's a pretty good tutor actually."

"He's a smart boy," Carlisle says flatly, managing to imply that Edward's too damn smart for his own good. "In some respects." He gives Edward a disapproving glance. "So are you not getting very good teaching in math then? I guess your school probably can't manage…" He stops there, realising he's getting into dangerous turf as Edward's eyes narrow. "Yes well, I guess your people have other talents apart from math." Like what? Singing round the bonfire? Now we're all looking daggers at him as he backs out, clutching the coffee plunger. "Right. I'll just…" He turns and makes his escape.

"Prick," mutters Edward, slightly too loudly, in his wake.

"'My people'? The fuck he means with his 'my people'?" Jake's mouth is pressed into a bitter line.

Edward runs a hand through his hair, looking stressed. "Ignore him, Jake, he's an asshole sometimes. I'm sorry."

We press on with calculus but it's slow going and after another couple of hours of study we're flagging badly despite a further round of coffee. Jake's pen runs out and I watch idly as he searches through his jacket for a spare, then stops, palming something small and slipping it into his jeans.

He comes back and sits again. Edward looks up. "I'll get you another pen, Jake. Carlisle brings home loads from the pharmaceutical reps."

Jake's looking thoughtful, and eyeing the door to the rest of the house. Carlisle and Esme seem to have gotten bored with the surveillance - no-one's been in for a while. He gestures us closer and leans in.

"I'm not gonna make it through any more study - or the rest of the night's…activities - without a little help. I forgot I had these in my jacket pocket. Got them in Seattle." He shoots another furtive glance at the door and pulls out a tiny plastic bag with two small, flat, pinkish tablets inside. "It's E." He grins at us. "What say we make a night of it? It'd certainly perk us up…in every respect."

I gape at him. "But Jake - E? Here? With Edward's parents breathing down our necks? You're crazy!"

"It's only two tabs for the three of us - not a big dose. So we get a bit chatty and lively and put some music on - is that so weird? Come on, it'll be fun!"

Edward's looking enthusiastic and nodding.

I frown at him: they're as bad as each other. "But…but…what if we keel over and die like you hear about on the news?"

Jake scoffs. "Come on, Bella, that's incredibly rare - probably just some weird reaction like an allergy. Or some kids drink too much water at raves when they get hot dancing - they get water intoxication. We're not gonna do that. It's OK, really. You've never done E before, have you?"

"No." Clearly both Jake and Edward have and are keen to repeat it.

Edward takes my hand reassuringly. "It's fun Bella, really. It's a nice high, happy. And it's good for…enjoying yourself." He winks and Jake snorts.

I frown at them. I'm really not sure, but I'm curious, and people do say it's fun, and I don't want to be left out…shit. A small voice inside me says _and if we're all wasted, Edward can't expect me to have a heart to heart about what happened yesterday with Jake, can he? Especially as he wanted me to take it? _I push the whisper down, but it's tempting. I bite my lip, then I nod. "Well, OK."

Edward and Jake have a low-voiced technical discussion about dividing the tablets. Edward insists he should do it as he's best at math. Jake says how hard can 2 into 3 be? Or is it 3 into 2? In the end Jake lets Edward take charge as he can go upstairs and use a blade in the privacy of his room.

He returns with small heaps of pinkish crumbs, in three paper twists. We sit in a circle cross-legged and knock our dose back, washing the bitter taste down with cold coffee. Bleh. Edward raids the kitchen and brings us sodas.

We try to focus on some more homework but we're too keyed-up and after a while we give up and just fool about with the CDs on the bookshelf, discussing the pros and cons of Frank Sinatra and Duffy. I find I'm watching myself, trying to detect any sign that the E's taking effect, but I feel the same as ever. A bit on edge, but that's just anticipation. I watch Jake and Edward but they seem pretty normal too.

Edward sees me staring at him. "It'll take a while, Bella - it always takes longer than you think. At least an hour." He looks at his watch. "We only took it half an hour ago - it's only 9:15. Hmmm." He looks across at Jake. "Maybe you should make like you're heading off now and Bella can go do the Alice sleepover thing and get her bed sorted out. She can pretend to be worn out from studying. And I'll have an early night." He grins. "That'll impress them. Then by the time it's kicking in we'll be regrouping upstairs."

I'm not so sure - I won't be able to get away for a while, not until Esme's gone to bed. I don't want the E affecting me when I'm by myself, or just with Alice. Or worse, when I'm trying to act normal with Esme. I shudder.

Edward sees me chewing my lip. "It's OK, Bella. Esme goes to bed early - about 9:30. If you hang on until ten you'll be fine to sneak upstairs."

So that's what we do. Jake retrieves his sneakers and thanks Carlisle - Esme's already upstairs. He heads off in my truck and I go and find Alice, who's watching TV in her room. She's not in the best mood this weekend as Jasper's away with his folks in Seattle visiting relatives. And because…well…of the three of us. She gives me a few disapproving glances. The day-bed's made up for me and I change into nightclothes, have a wash and brush my teeth. I get into the bed and wriggle about, trying to make it look slept-in, while Alice eyes me cynically, shaking her head.

I can't sleep - don't want to, I'm too excited. Am I feeling it now, or is this still anticipation? I've got _Mansfield Park_ with me but I don't feel like reading so I lie on Alice's big bed, chatting about school and admiring her latest purchases - gold ballet flats and a rather a nice red leather bag decorated with metal studs.

Esme sticks her head in the door and says goodnight, apparently happy that we're doing normal, girly, sleepoverish things. I find I'm feeling very ebullient and manage to be quite pleasant to her. Maybe she's not so bad after all. Maybe it's the drug.

Finally it's about ten and I'm definitely feeling the E. There's a fizzing sensation in my brain and I keep getting distracted by odd details. I'm chatting away with Alice, curious about Jasper and asking her a lot about him, questions I'd usually blush at. I just manage to remember The Plan. Alice has extra pillows in her wardrobe and I stuff the bed with them in case Esme sticks her head in again, trying to make it look realistic. I can't help giggling - really, this is like some dumb Disney movie. _Not so PG once you get upstairs though_ I think. More giggles.

"OK, Alice. I'm fast asleep if anyone looks in - alright?"

"Yeah, right. Anyone less fast asleep would be hard to imagine." Alice rolls her eyes. "Look, Bella, are you sure…?"

"Yeah yeah, sure I'm sure. Thanks. I really appreciate this." I back to the door, a stupid grin splitting my face. Damn - must act normal. I squash the grin and try to look like a responsible teenager about to engage in a consensual threesome. No, that's set me off giggling again. Alice sighs and shakes her head, giving up on me.

A quick peek along the dim landing and I flit to the stairs and up to the third floor. I run lightly along to Edward's door and scratch on it. No-one comes so I try the handle, which opens. Something with a driving beat is playing and I recognise Muse's _Map of the Problematique_. I lock the door carefully behind me - idiots, anyone could have…

They're on the bed, moving rhythmically in the low golden light of the bedside lamp. Their muscles flex and slide, slick with sweat. Jesus, they didn't waste any time. I stand in the shadows by the door, unsure if they're even aware of me. I don't want to interrupt them so I slide to the floor and watch.

They're both naked. Edward's on his back on the bed, sprawled across it, his back arched, head back and eyes closed, a look of ecstasy on his face. His near leg is raised, hooked around Jake's waist while his other leg's bent tightly back on his stomach, Jake leaning forwards on it as he kneels between Edward's legs. Jake's other hand is gripping Edward's hips, locking their groins tight together. Edward's ass is raised a little and I see him shudder as Jake flexes his hips, back muscles rippling, pushing his cock deeply in and out. Jake groans, his long hair swinging forward across his face.

"Oh…" Edward writhes, his hands clutching the covers. "Yeah, fuck yeah…oh Jesus, fuck me…" He moans again, panting and bucking. He seems to be trying to push himself onto Jake's cock.

Jake's leaning over him now, moving more urgently as he groans "…oh fuck Eds, fuck you feel…oh…oh yes…" Jake's back arches and his head falls back, then he curves forward again, gripping Edward tightly, his hips pumping faster now as he grunts, gasping irregularly.

I'm on my knees and my hand's inside my loose sleep pants, sliding between my legs, touching myself desperately as I watch them. So beautiful, so hot. I open my pajama top and palm my left breast, pinching the nipple as heat wells up in my crotch. God, I'm so wet.

Jake straightens suddenly and shivers, then moans and arches back, his hair wild, eyes closed as he thrusts and shudders, gasping, lost. So lovely, the muscles under his red-brown skin rippling in the lamplight.

I buck in response and feel my own orgasm flood out from my groin, melting my legs and making me tremble and whimper.

Edward turns his head and sees me. His eyes are hooded, his mouth open. He watches me come and reaching down, takes his swollen cock in his hand, pumping it. His eyes shut and his face fills with rapture. I see his hips spasm and he cries out, semen spilling onto his hand and stomach. He's so lovely as he comes and my heart swells. For a moment I can't breathe.

I get a warm washcloth from the bathroom and sit beside them on the bed, cleaning them carefully. Jake's collapsed beside Edward, his head in the crook of Edward's neck, his eyes shut. He shudders lightly as I clean his cock, trying to be as gentle as I can. Edward strokes my breast lazily as I wipe him down, watching me with a smile.

As I return from the bathroom I slip my clothes off beside the bed and crawl across, kneeling between them. I trail my hands down their bodies, still damp with sweat, feeling their abdominals contract as I stroke their stomachs, seeing their hips flex as I run my fingers up the long taut muscles of their legs and trace the deep V of their pelvic girdles.

They reach up and touch my arms, my breasts, my belly, pulling me gently down, skin on skin, mouth on mouth. Sliding against each other, between and across, whispering nonsense, laughing and tickling.

"You're feeling it then?" says Edward, grinning.

"Mmmm." I'm too busy licking his neck, giggling as Jake kisses my ass then runs his tongue up my spine. "Nice."

Jake leans across and takes Edward's mouth, running his tongue around Edward's lips then deepening the kiss as they strain up against each other. I bite Edward's neck gently and he moans, pulling me against his side, his hand sliding down to cup my ass.

Muse is still playing on the iPod. _Hoodoo_ drifts between soft passages and orchestral extravaganzas as I half-listen, Edward's hand between my legs, stroking me, opening me. The music swoops down from a loud crescendo to a quiet lull and suddenly there's a sharp knock on the door.

We all stiffen. Then furious activity as Jake and I grab piles of clothing and dash into the bathroom, turning out the light and pressing ourselves trembling against the cool tiles behind the door.

Oh shit.

 


	19. Too Much Information

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out Playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

 

_Bella_

"Yeah yeah, hang on, I'm coming!"

Jake's warm body presses me back against the cool, tiled bathroom wall and we listen to Edward buying a little time as he frantically pulls on his jeans. There's a scuffling noise and I realise he's probably kicking Jake's sneakers under the bed. Fucking hope he is, anyway.

I hear him unlock the bedroom door, then close it behind someone.

"Carlisle?"

Jesus, it's Carlisle.

"Christ, Edward, your room smells like a brothel, and will you turn that damn racket off!"

The Muse track is muted a little, but Edward doesn't turn his iPod off - probably wants to try and cover any noises we might make in the bathroom.

"Lovely to see you too, Carlisle. Sorry if the room's a bit rich - probably my old socks, I'm overdue with the laundry." Edward seems calm but I know his pulse will be racing. "To what do I owe the...pleasure?"

I wince. Careful, Edward, easy on the snark, don't antagonise him too much.

"I need to talk to you. To try and get you to see sense. God knows someone's got to - you've gone right off the rails and your mother thinks butter wouldn't melt-"

"Let's leave Esme out of this," Edward's voice interrupts, quiet but edged. "What's your point, Carlisle?"

"My _point_, Edward, is that you're acting out in every direction. Getting into fist fights - and don't think I don't know that you're smoking cannabis, I've smelled it on you before. And now hanging around with unsuitable types and bringing them here to the house - it's got to stop."

"Unsuitable..._types_." Edward's tone is cold, his jaw sounds clenched.

Jake flinches against me, his muscles tense, listening.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about!" Carlisle's blustering. He sounds to be pacing about and I feel cold sweat prickle along my spine. _Don't let him come in here, don't let him come in here._

"No, Carlisle - I have no idea. Enlighten me." Edward's voice is deceptively calm.

Carlisle sounds to have slammed his fist against something - the wall? The desk?

"That Black kid! For Christ's sake, Edward, he's a biker, probably in some gang out on the reservation. He's completely unsuitable for you to be hanging around with. And if that girl Bella's a friend of his I'd be very dubious about her too! They're bad influences on you - how can you not _see_ that?"

"Ah, right." Edward's voice is dangerous. "And Jake being Quileute wouldn't have anything to do with it? What with you being a racist asshole and all that?"

"_What_ did you call me?" Carlisle sounds incensed.

"A racist asshole. Shall I write it down for you perhaps in big print? Just calling it like I see it, Carlisle. You know that's what's really bothering you about Jake, yes?"

Loud spluttering noises from the bedroom and Jake moves angrily against me as though to go in there and punch Carlisle's lights out, naked and all as he is. Fuck, that'd be a sight to see but I can't let it all fall apart so I grab his arm, terrified he's going to lose it completely. He makes a small choked sound of anger in his throat and tries vaguely to shake my hand off.

"No! Stay here!" I hiss, soft against his ear.

I pull his head down, my hand in the silky hair at the nape of his neck. I have to distract him somehow so I kiss him and reaching down, take his cock in my hand, stroking it and cupping his balls. His body jerks against me, surprised. He's soft, but his cock begins to harden as I touch him. I have to make him stay in here, no matter what infuriating crap Carlisle's spouting in the other room.

My tongue licks around Jake's lips. He tastes of salt. Finally he makes a noise somewhere between a groan and sigh and opens to me, his tongue sliding against mine as his hips flex, pressing his stiffening cock into my hand. That's my good boy - make love not war. I stroke him harder and his arms slide around me, gripping my ass.

Carlisle's found his voice again. "How _dare_ you accuse me...how _dare_ you. You little prick...of all the ungrateful..."

"Shut it, Carlisle. You know nothing about Jacob - just because he rides a motorcycle doesn't mean he's in a fucking gang. And if you say one more word about Bella I'll have to hit you, because fuck knows I've wanted to for fucking ages. So please, go ahead, make my day."

Oh very Harry Callahan. I grin against Jake's lips and push my tongue deeper into his mouth. I shouldn't be enjoying this but I can't help it.

"You...you...!" Carlisle's enraged. "Where you get the violence and delinquency, Edward I have no idea. Your mother's a saint, an absolute saint, so it must be from your father, he was an impulsive fool from what I've-" he breaks off suddenly and there's a choking noise and sounds of a scuffle.

Fuck, I think Edward's got him by the throat. Jake moves restlessly against me as though to intervene and I break off the kiss and lower my head, licking across his chest and sucking on his nipples. I rub my thumb through the slippery fluid on the head of his cock, slicking my hand and using the lubrication to caress him faster, making him groan and move more urgently against me. Surely Edward won't actually _kill_ Carlisle? Shit, what to do? I can't keep _both_ of them out of trouble.

"Don't you _dare_ fucking mention my father, you fucktard."

There's more banging about - maybe Carlisle's fallen over a chair? Then the sound of Carlisle coughing and gasping. "Fuck...fucking psychopath...you little...Jesus, my throat..."

"Don't you call _me_ a psychopath you heap of racist shit. You with your hypocrisy and your goodie goodie noble doctor crap. You may have Esme fooled, but not me." Edward's positively snarling.

"You can kiss your College tuition fees goodbye you no good little bastard."

"Well, my father did at least leave me some money from his life insurance, Carlisle, which I get access to once I graduate from Forks High, so you can take your College tuition and ram it right up your nasty WASP asshole."

"We'll see about that." Carlisle's got his breath back but he's still a little hoarse. "Esme's your trustee and she may not agree to you accessing those funds. Especially if I tell her quite how out of control you are. Maybe it's Rehab you need, not College. Or a military academy."

"Oh fuck off, Carlisle." Edward sounds bone weary. "Esme's a bit over-protective but in the end she'll do what I want. And luckily for you, I want out of here. You're not my father and you never will be."

"No, well you killed your real father didn't you, Edward, so don't come whining to me about it. And you tried to kill me tonight too - no, stay away!-"

I hear a dull thud - fuck, what's going on? My hand's fallen still on Jake's rock-hard cock as I listen and he moans against me, too aroused to stop now, thrusting into my grip no matter what's going on out there in the bedroom. I pump him mechanically, focussing on the sounds drifting in through the bathroom door.

Edward's voice is tight with rage: he's a hairsbreadth away from exploding. "Just get out _now,_ Carlisle, or I _will_ kill you. And don't ever come into my room again or I'll show you just how psychopathic I can be. OUT. NOW."

The door opens, then slams shut and the lock clicks. Jake strains against me, panting, but I drop his cock and push him back. He hisses in frustration, bracing himself on the wall, whispering at me, his hand pressed to his groin. "Shit, Bella don't stop. Oh _jeez_. Ah, _fuck_ it!"

But I have to see Edward so I leave Jake slumped against the wall, his hand jerking his cock in the semi-darkness as I peer around the door into the bedroom, afraid of what I'll find there.

* * *

 

_Edward_

"Edward!...Edward!"

She's saying my name but it takes a while to penetrate. I'm curled on the floor at the foot of the door, face on my knees with my arms up, hitting my head with my fists and rocking to and fro. Carlisle's words reverberate in my brain: _you killed your real father, you killed your real father._

Bella's beside me, clutching at my hands, trying to calm me and stop me hitting myself. Oh Jesus, Bella - she'll have heard everything. Well, now she knows, so that's that. A small part of me is almost relieved, even though it means she won't want to know me any more. I feel suddenly fatalistic and washed-out, and I let her grasp my wrists and still my hands.

She pulls me into her arms and I slump against her, eyes shut. I can't meet her gaze, I'm ashamed. She strokes my hair and it feels so good but I don't deserve it, she still doesn't really understand. I don't want her to understand, but there's no escape now, and I know she'll make me talk. I can't keep it all inside any more and I'm not sure I want to.

"What happened with Carlisle, Edward? What did you do to him?"

"Not enough..." I whisper. "Fucking bastard."

"It sounded as though you were choking him?"

"Yeah, I was. Shouldn't have let go, but he was going purple." I suck in a deep, ragged breath. "I wanted to kill him. He's right, I am a psychopath."

"But you didn't, you let him go. You're not a psychopath, Edward, that's like a ...like a serial killer or something. You're not like that."

"Aren't I." My voice is flat, hopeless.

There's a long pause. I hear Jake moving about in the bathroom and the sound of a tap running. Bella keeps on stroking my hair and suddenly I just can't bear it, so I pull away and fall back against the door while she sits beside me, looking anxious. Jake emerges from the bathroom wearing sweatpants, and pads across the rug to us. He looks odd, almost shifty.

"Eds? You OK?" His voice is soft, uncertain. He hands Bella the T-shirt he'd worn earlier and drops to the floor, sitting cross-legged in front of me. His eyes are dark, flicking between me and Bella as she pulls on the oversized shirt.

I close my eyelids, feeling edgy from the E, still hyped. "Not really."

"What did Carlisle mean, Edward?" Bella's voice is worried.

Yeah, here we go.

"About your father. He said...he said you killed him, but that can't be right..."

"Can't it?" My voice is bitter. I open my eyes but I can't meet hers. I look away and twiddle with a thread in the rug. "What if it's true? What then?"

"I don't believe it Edward, you wouldn't, you're not like that-"

"For fuck's sake, Bella, you don't know that! You don't know _me_. I'm not a fucking superhero!"

"Then tell me, tell us, me and Jake. Tell us about it."

I risk a glance at her and she's leaning forward, intent, frowning a little. Her eyes are large and dark, the chocolate brown a thin rim. She's biting her lower lip and I want to kiss it, but that's not going to happen again any time soon. Maybe never.

Jake pushes back a wing of his hair, looking troubled. "This with your father - it's what makes you go crazy sometimes? Makes you lose it and beat on people? Like with that Newton prick?"

"Yeah, I guess." I sigh. "Because I hate myself and I take it out on them. But really it's me, I'm the bad guy."

"So tell us and let us decide for ourselves," Bella says. She's stubborn, it's something I like about her. Most of the time.

The E's still riding me, making me jittery and loose, so I just go with it and tell the sorry tale. I can't meet their eyes though, so I rest my head back on the door, eyes closed, and just talk.

* * *

"I was just five. We didn't live here then, we lived in L.A. Out in the suburbs; we weren't well-off. I didn't care, didn't know about anything like that. I had Mom and Dad, and Alice to play and fight with, and Emmett was my hero. He was only seven himself back then of course, but he was my big brother and I followed him around like a shadow whenever he'd let me.

I didn't understand a lot of things. Why Dad wasn't there sometimes and why he and Mom had rows when he returned from wherever he'd been. I guess they tried to protect me from whatever was going on between them but I still got frightened to hear them yell at each other, lying curled up in my bed with the covers over my head, trying not to listen, fingers in my ears.

He was a motor mechanic and he raced cars. His family hadn't had the money to let him go to College but he was kind of a genius with engines, he was always tinkering. He had big dreams - he'd invented some fuel injector he thought would revolutionize the racing industry. He used to go away trying to sell his invention at race meets, but they never took him seriously. Alice told me it drove Mom crazy, his obsession. I didn't know any of this then of course, Alice told me some of it, years later. Mom hated him racing cars, too, it frightened her."

I laugh humorlessly.

"That's why the Volvo. She hates fast cars and racing, ever since those years with Dad. So they argued and I didn't understand what was going on. I thought he was mad with Mom and I wanted to protect her. I used to have dreams about going away, just me and Mom, nobody else to get in the way and no arguments. I dreamed of having her all to myself, of saving her from him and the shouting."

I sigh and rub my face.

"That's partly why it happened I guess. He'd been away again and they had a godawful row when he got back, and I was so frightened for her, for Mom. Then later it was quieter and I got up out of bed to get a glass of water. As I went past their bedroom I heard them in there and she was crying out in pain. Well, I thought it was pain, I was only five, what did I know. It sounded like she was in pain to me. So I opened the door and sure enough I thought they were fighting. He had her down on the bed...well, you can imagine. It was summer and they weren't wearing anything, no covers. I thought he was killing her and I ran over and started hitting him, stupid little kid. He looked around at me, startled, his face all red and sweaty and he didn't look like my Dad at all, he looked strange and fierce and suddenly I was afraid. I was scared of him and what he'd do to me and I backed away and ran for it, all panicked.

Mom was yelling for me to come back but I just ran - out the back through the screen door, into the yard and I hid behind the big shed where he worked on his cars. I knew he'd come after me and that I'd be punished and I was terrified like only a little kid can be. And he did come out looking for me. He'd put his trousers on and he was only trying to find me and soothe me I guess, but I was too worked up, I just thought he was after me and as soon as he got near to where I was, I bolted."

I take a breath and swallow painfully. My mouth's dry. Jake sees and he goes and gets a drink of water from the bathroom, handing me the glass. I drink thirstily, then wipe my mouth with the back of my hand.

"I'd calmed down enough to start thinking again, but I was still sure he'd been trying to kill Mom and that he planned to hurt me, maybe even kill me too. I don't know - maybe at some level I knew what they'd been doing in the bedroom and I was freaked out by it - I wasn't rational, that's for sure. So I had this crazy plan I'd thought up while I was hiding behind the shed.

Our house was across from the railway line and that was one of the big no-nos they'd taught us all - never play anywhere near the tracks. Of course Emmett and I'd ignored it, so I knew my way around down there. Trains came through a lot, I guess it was one reason they'd been able to afford the house, it was noisy. I liked the trains though, back then. I don't now."

I shiver. Trains bring it back, they bring me out in a cold sweat. I can't use them.

"So I thought I'd run down there, I'd run to the tracks and lose him there, put a train between us. Shit, maybe I even had dumb fantasies about jumping a freight car and running away. I don't know - I was in a state. I took off and Dad saw me and chased after me, yelling at me to stop and come back. He was only worried about me I guess, but I thought he still wanted to hurt me.

I guess he was getting angry in fact, with having to chase after me and me going down there where they'd told me not to, and he must have been frightened too. He started yelling after me, telling me he'd tan my hide when he caught me, that sort of thing. It made me worse, I was terrified and when I got to the tracks I saw the train coming - really close, and I waited until Dad was nearly on me then I ran right in front of it, deliberately. I thought I could get across but I figured he couldn't, and..."

I swallow again, the pain not from dryness now, but a lump in my throat. I make myself say it.

"...and part of me wanted him to be killed, to go under the train. Because then he wouldn't catch me, he wouldn't hurt me. And he wouldn't yell at Mom any more, or try to kill her in their bed like I'd seen him doing."

I cover my face with my hands.

"And that's what happened. He must have been desperate, seeing me dash in front of the train. He tried to grab for me but he missed, and he fell onto the tracks and the train...the train..."

There are tears on my face, trickling hot under my hands. It's a while before I can continue.

"I don't remember much else. It was dark, with rushing wind and smells of diesel and metal, and there were shrieking noises as the train braked and I think I was screaming too. I found an old newspaper report years later. It said he'd been carried down the track over 200 yards before the train stopped. It was a closed coffin, of course."

Bella sucks in a breath and tries to touch my shoulder but I pull myself away.

"Some cop found me wandering eventually and they took me back home, but Mom was in hysterics, they'd just told her about Dad. Us kids huddled together in Emmett's room, and finally a neighbour took us in for a few days until Mom was calmer. I think they filled her up with valium or something, she seemed kind of dazed. No-one said anything to me, not then. The cops tried to talk to me the next day and I told them some of it, but I was terrified that they'd take me away and put me in jail. I expected to be punished, but it never came. Esme was just weird and dazed and sometimes she'd cling to me - well I guess she still does."

I try to grin but it's more of a grimace. Jake frowns and Bella bites her lip again. I make myself tell them the end of it, I have to get it all out now I've started.

"I suppose there was talk, and the newspaper reports, and the inquest. I didn't know about it but Emmett must have heard something. He started acting weird around me, angry. He'd pinch me sometimes, or taunt me, even hit me and trip me. He'd never been like that before, he was always pretty tolerant, as big brothers go. We were all under a strain. Mom was quiet and sad, and she'd had to sell the house as she couldn't afford the mortgage, so she decided to move us up to Forks where a friend of hers from school lived. We were in a rental and it was cold and gray and wet, and Alice and Emmett had to change schools. It was a shitty time. I'd just started school myself and I wasn't adjusting too well. So Emmett got me after school one day and he started hassling me, and finally he just came out with it. 'You killed Dad!' He was bawling and he hit me in the stomach and then he ran off. And I lay there on the ground, winded and clutching myself, and I was crying and I knew that he was right.

No-one else ever told me the truth like Emmett did, so I guess I should be grateful to him, but we've been distant ever since. He just avoided me after that, and I avoided him. And Esme - well you've seen - she's all over me. But I know she must blame me for Dad's death, how could she not, so it's all fake really, the fussing and clinging. She must really hate me deep inside, like Emmett does. The rest of it's just show. I hate myself for killing Dad, so how can she and Alice feel any different? But as soon as I can I'll go, I'll take off for College somewhere else and get out of their lives."

I wipe at my face ineffectually, and Bella grabs a box of tissues off the desk. I blow my nose.

"So that's it. Carlisle had it right, I'm a killer. I know I was only five, but I wanted him to die at the time and I can't ever forgive myself for that."

I fall silent, eyes closed, my head back against the door, feeling exhausted.

* * *

No-one says anything for a time and I feel myself tensing up, my heart sinking. But what _can_ they say? They must be appalled, what else did I expect?

It's worse not knowing so I force myself to open my eyes. Bella's looking sad and there are tears running down her face. I want to kiss them away but she won't want me touching her now, not now. I expected her to look more shocked, so I feel uncertain. I don't know what to make of her reaction.

Jake's eyes are dark and his face is grave. He sighs, and pushes his hair back again. "Jesus, Eds," he says softly. "All this time, and you've held that inside? You've never talked to anyone about it?"

"Not really. Alice told me bits and pieces about our life back then but we never talk about...Dad...how he died. They all shy away from it...well, so do I. But it's always there, always between us."

"But you were just a little kid, Edward," Bella blurts out, grabbing some tissues and blotting her face. "How can they blame you? No, I don't believe they _do_ blame you. You blame yourself, that's the trouble."

"Of course." I feel oddly detached. "I _am_ to blame."

"Fuck, Edward, stop _saying_ that! There's no 'of course' about it!" She's vehement now, almost angry. This is more what I was expecting: anger, rejection. "You were five for Christ's sake, _five_. You were too small to know what you were doing, it's ridiculous to blame yourself."

Jake makes a noise and puts his hand on her knee. "But he does - look at him. It makes no sense, no, but maybe that's 'cause he was so small - he wasn't thinking right then and he can't think right about it now Bells. Can you Eds?" He looks at me, sitting there cross-legged all calm with his big black eyes. A clichéd image of elders sitting around the fire smoking peace-pipes pops into my head, and suddenly I want a smoke badly. And a drink.

I get up and go to the wardrobe, pulling the bottle of JD out of my boot. On the way back to our pow-wow I collect the tin from my desk drawer. Bella frowns at me but I ignore her, taking a swig of the whiskey and passing the bottle to Jake. He tilts his head back and drinks too, passing it to Bella who declines. I have another drink and then set it aside. I start rolling a joint, balancing the tin on my lap.

"You have to let go of it, man." Jake's voice is kind, and I look up, startled. It's not the reaction I was expecting. "I don't blame you for what you did. Like Bella said, you were only a kid, and you didn't really know what was going on. So me and Bella aren't going to beat up on you about it, if that's what you were expecting-"

"No," Bella says quickly, intense as she puts her hand on my knee. I don't shake her off this time. It'd upset the tin in my lap if I did. "Of course we aren't. Jesus. You can't have thought we'd blame you, Edward, how could we? I told you it wouldn't make any difference to us if you told me. Like what happened to me in Phoenix didn't make any difference to you, not really. It's the same. In fact you're even less to blame, being so small at the time. I was old enough to know better with some of what I did."

I shake my head, unable to argue with her, not really believing her words. Trying not to let the flare of hope in my chest grow. Hurts too much when people lie to me, then turn on me later. I want to trust them but it's too hard, too risky.

"Edward, it's not up to us to forgive you, 'cause there's nothing to forgive, not really." Bella leans forward, trying to make me look at her.

I stare down at the papers I'm rolling, momentarily blinded and hating my weakness. I blink rapidly.

"You have to forgive yourself, Edward."

Yeah, right. Like that's going to happen. I sigh, and put the tin aside. I take the lighter out of it and lean back tiredly.

"Do you have to smoke that?" Bella says, sounding sad. "Aren't you just running away from it all?"

"Yeah, so? It's worked pretty well for the last twelve years." I'm trying for bravado but I just sound lost. And it hasn't worked, not really. And now I've fucked up and spilt the beans. A spurt of panic makes my pulse race. What if I can't push it all back under again, what if I fall apart?

Bella seems to sense how I'm feeling. "It'll be alright, Edward, I guess it'll just take time. We're not going to reject you - are we, Jake!" She looks at Jake fiercely and he smiles wryly at her, then sighs and looks back at me, head on one side.

"No, dude. The Three Mouseketeers, that's us." He grins. "You ain't getting rid of us that easily. You gonna light that joint or just bogart it all night?"

Bella shoots him a disapproving look and he pats her leg. "It'll help bring us down from the E, Bells, help us get some sleep. So will the whiskey - sure you won't have a shot?"

She shakes her head, but seems mollified. I light the joint and take a couple of deep drags then pass it to Jake. We should really go out on the balcony but fuck it. I'm too tired and Carlisle already knows, so what's the point. Jake has a couple of tokes then passes it to Bella. She's hesitant, then she huffs her breath out and takes it, sucking in the smoke like a pro, then coughing a little, ruining the effect. I pass her the water glass. Jake and I have another swig of JD and we all finish the joint off. Bella doesn't cough any more, she's getting used to it.

Jake asks Bella if she liked the E and we talk a little about how it affected us. I think it's wearing off now and I'm feeling tired and wrung out, but I can't tell how much is down to the E and how much to my emo confessions. I twist my spine and rub at my neck, a little stiff.

Jake stands and reaches a hand down to me and Bella, pulling us up to our feet. I feel a bit unsteady and Bella's wobbly too. She giggles and puts her arms around our waists, for balance.

"Oops. Good thing I didn't have any JD or I'd be on my ear."

Jake pulls us close and wraps his big arms around us. "Group hug" he says, the schmaltzy bastard.

But it feels good, and I close my eyes, feeling the tears prickling behind my lids again as their bodies press against me, arms sliding around, intertwining. I turn my face into Bella's hair and just breathe, feeling some of the tension inside me start to ease.

"Come on," Jake whispers, drawing us towards the bed. Bella pulls off the T-shirt and slips in under the covers as Jake pushes down his sweatpants and undoes the button on my jeans. I watch as he unzips me and slides them off. I feel oddly passive, as though I were five again and used to others dressing and undressing me. He pushes me gently into the bed between himself and Bella and they wrap themselves around me on either side, stroking and kissing me.

At first its just comforting and I close my eyes and relax into their touch, then Bella leans over and sucks my nipple into her mouth, licking around it and biting gently, and I feel the sweet burn start up in my groin.

Her hand slides down and she takes hold of my cock. I'm half-hard already and I moan as she touches me, stiffening further. Jake's big hand is on my leg, caressing my thigh, then he's pushed down the covers and he's pressing my legs apart, stroking my balls and running his fingers back from the sac to my asshole until my hips start to tilt and I'm groaning. He rolls into the V of my legs, lying between them and kissing the skin inside my thighs, pushing my legs wide apart.

Bella's licking her way down my chest and stomach. She thrusts her tongue into my navel and I writhe. My left hand threads into her hair, kneading the nape of her neck. My right hand clutches the covers as her mouth moves lower, licking down the trail of hair below, that leads to my groin. Her hand steadies my cock, holding it around the base and then I feel her mouth on me and I can't help it, I thrust up, moaning as she takes the head of my cock into her mouth and licks off the juices escaping from the slit. Then she bends over me and swallows me down, sliding me into her hot, wet throat and my eyes roll back in my head as I give myself into her hands and her mouth.

I'm dimly aware of Jake grabbing a pillow and lifting my hips, sliding it in underneath me. He takes my legs and bends my knees up, setting my feet on the bed wide apart. Then he slides down again. Bella's tongue snakes around my cock as she sucks and I gasp, bucking up helplessly. Jake's tongue joins her then, sliding wet over my balls and he sucks on them gently then draws back and blows. I cry out and writhe as they work on me, fisting the sheets and tangling my hand in Bella's hair as I arch. The pleasure is intense, but slow-building, softened by the dregs of the E, the JD and the dope. It feels dream-like, utterly sensual as I shudder under their mouths.

Then, _oh fuck_, Jake's tongue again, wet below my balls and licking its way back to my asshole. And licking around it, wet and intrusive, his big hands spreading me wide as Bella sucks me deep into her mouth and I feel my swollen glans nudge the back of her throat. _Oh Jesus...so fucking good...oh so good._

Jake's tongue slides inside me and I can't keep still. Fuck that feels amazing and I'm sobbing with pleasure, writhing as his tongue fucks me and her mouth sucks me and my cock's on fire and it's all heat and ecstasy and wetness and sucking and slurping. My back's arched up and I'm shuddering as I push myself into their mouths. _Oh please...oh please...oh don't stop, please don't stop._

But Jake does stop, pulling back to kiss my inner thighs again as I moan, frustrated. He laughs, breathless. "Time for you to do some work now Eds, come on."

And he lifts Bella's head off me gently, kissing her across my wet, glistening cock that's standing there hard as fuck as I stare down at them desperately, wanting their tongues on me again. In me again.

Jake nudges me out of the way and pulls Bella across. I crawl aside, dazed. He lays her down, her hips on the pillow, and now his tongue's between her legs and I'm envious. I want it in me. She gasps and twists up and her breasts move, the nipples swollen and puckered. I slide across her, hungry, and fasten on her tits, sucking and biting, pressing my face into her softness and licking down her cleavage. She tastes sweet and salty, like flowers and the sea. My hands are full of her breasts and I rub my face between them as my hips move, fucking the mattress.

Then Jake's getting up again, kneeling across Bella. He reaches for the lube and condoms in the bedside drawer, then pulls me up against him and I smell her on his face, sharp and sweet and salty, like a sauce. He kisses me, tongue going deep as I melt against him, his hands in my hair. I lick her juices off his face, savoring the taste as his big hands take my cock, slipping a condom on then stroking me, slippery with lube. His other hand's on my ass, parting my cheeks and a finger slides inside me, slippery, stroking and stretching me. My head falls into the crook of his neck and I moan, moving on his hand as he pushes a second finger inside and scissors them, spreading me wider. It's not painful, I'm too loose from the drugs and the whiskey.

Then he's turning me again, urging me down to where Bella's waiting, fingering herself lazily as she watches us, eyes half-closed. I nestle down into her curves, spreading her legs as she takes my cock and guides it into her. Fuck, she's so tight and hot, so fucking wet. My eyes shut and I'm gripping her, thrusting deep inside like I'm trying to weld us together, to get right up inside her, deeper than I've ever been. Her head goes back and she whimpers, rising up to meet me and suck me in.

Jake's hand's back on my ass again, sliding up my crack, and his finger's inside me. It's almost too much, my cock buried deep in Bella while his big finger curls inside me and finds _fuuuck_ that place _aaaah_ where the fire lashes out and makes me writhe. _Oh fucking Christ_.

Then his hips press against me and his finger's gone but the hard, smooth head of his cock takes its place, slick with lube, pushing in. Past the tight ring of muscle, then deep inside, moving in small thrusts, little by little, as he fills me up. For a moment we're all still, just holding each other like interlocking dolls. Jake is propped on his knees and arms, head heavy between my shoulder blades, resting briefly. Then he pulls back slowly and thrusts into me, sliding deeply home, the head of his cock rubbing across my prostate as I arch up _oh fuck yes_ and pump hard into Bella.

Slowly at first, with Jake setting the pace, moving in each other like a chain reaction, like a wave. Bella writhes and sucks me in, then the pace builds and it's all more urgent. We slap against each other, sweaty and frantic and I'm thrusting into Bella now, taking her mouth in a hot kiss then lost in her neck, biting and sucking as Jake curves around me, fucking me hard. He licks the sweat from between my shoulder blades and bites the back of my neck as he rams himself home.

Bella comes first, shuddering under me, her hands reaching up to pull Jake hard against us as her head thrashes, mouth open, crying _yes yes yes _as she pulls me over with her and I sob into her neck, pumping erratically, half insane with the need to push inside her and back onto Jake at the same time. In the end he just takes me, hammering me into her as I spasm, impaled between them both, falling thankfully into blissful oblivion as I feel him quiver and gasp his release.

Jake rolls away from me and I slide off from Bella, hoping we haven't crushed her, but she seems OK. We're gasping and laughing and panting, still twitching a little as the aftershocks grip us. Jake curls against my back and Bella's in my arms. I'm stroking her hair, and Jake's stroking my hip. He pulls up the covers and we snuggle together.

As we drift off I murmur softly - "Thanks."

I feel Jake's lips press the nape of my neck, and Bella's mouth brushes my chest, then we let ourselves slide down into sleep.

 


	20. Crash and Burn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out Playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

 

_Bella_

I don't know what to do. It's Friday and I've been torn all week, trying to figure out how to tell Edward what happened - Jesus, only a week ago - with Jake and me.

Maybe I shouldn't tell him? He doesn't need to know, does he? But what if Jake?…no, Jake won't tell him, will he?…Shit.

I'm afraid, if I'm honest. Afraid that he'll be so angry he won't want to see me again. But after Edward told us all about his father on Saturday night - well, Sunday morning really - anyway, after that…it's just, he was so honest, and it's been eating away at me that I haven't been honest with him. But he and Jake have been closer since the weekend and I don't want to fuck that up. Crap.

Not that Jake will go anywhere near the Cullen house after Carlisle mouthed off, and with Edward still grounded, it's difficult. We've managed a couple of coffee sessions after school though, the three of us at the Breakwater. The guy at the counter even grunts vaguely at us now in a sort of primitive greeting. Still haven't worked up the nerve to ask him for a skinny latte though.

And now I'm in my old truck, following Edward back to his place, the Volvo glinting silver ahead of me as it turns into their driveway in the trees. Edward insisted. He said his parents would be out until late, and anyway, Carlisle had been avoiding him and wouldn't dare make a fuss. Not if it was just me, without Jake. I don't know how I feel about that - it makes me feel kind of complicit with Carlisle and Esme's bullshit. But Jake won't come over here anyway, and Edward needs me…and I need him.

What with Edward being grounded, all we've been able to do since the weekend is kiss, and we're both pretty goddam desperate by now. Edward's still got that bruised look about the eyes, still a guarded, hooded edge to him, but he keeps trying to touch me, whenever we can. We've spent most of each lunch break behind the gym, wrapped up in each other's mouths. He didn't seem to want more right after the weekend, just to hold me and kiss me - cautious, then tender, then more and more urgent in the last couple of days. Pressing me back against the brick wall, his angles fitting into my curves, arms tight around me, his cock hard against my stomach. Kissing me as though he were starving…or drowning, and I was his oxygen.

And he's back to touching me all the time - brushing against me in Biology, twining his leg around mine under the lunchroom table. His hand either in the hair at the nape of my neck, or his arm round my waist, or holding my hand. Skating close to a PDA warning, staring down teachers we pass in the hallways. It looks possessive, but he just needs to know I'm real, that I'm still here. That I'm still his.

So now we're both positively vibrating with UST. It's like that first day again, an electric charge between us pulling us together like magnets and making my skin tingle at the barest brush of his fingers. I'm wet whenever I'm with him, hot and swollen between my legs and I'm forever clenching, my pelvis tilting secretly. I've taken to wearing skirts the last couple of days, for camouflage. And because I know skirts drive him wild. I see him watching me and it makes it worse. It makes me suck on my lower lip to bite back a whimper, seeing his eyes close to hot, green slits, breathing through his mouth, his lids heavy. Knowing he's hard for me.

Knowing he's beating off frantically at home in the shower every night. I think about him doing that when I'm in bed, when I'm touching myself. That's why we have to be together tonight: neither of us can wait any longer. Because at lunchtime behind the gym, he broke off the kiss, panting, and whispered that he couldn't keep his hands off himself. He leaned his long body against me, pressing me into the wall as he licked my neck, telling me what he was going to do to me after school and grinding himself against me until I moaned. And I told him that I was the same, that I barely made it to my room after school, falling on the bed and pulling off my panties, pushing my fingers in between my legs as I thought about his kisses, his hands.

We were both groaning into each other's mouths, his hands clutching my ass and mine pulling him harder against me, wanting more friction. When the damn bell rang we ignored it at first, moving roughly against each other as he sucked and bit at my throat. Then he shuddered all over and I think he came in his pants, lucky bastard. He left me stupidly worked up all afternoon - I couldn't concentrate on class, just sat there gaping like a fish, dazed and clenching. Boy, is he ever going to pay for that one.

So yeah, what to do. Well I know what we'll do first, that's a given or else I'll explode. But then, do I tell him? I still don't know.

* * *

We go straight to his room and he locks it then wheels around, crushing me hard against the door with his hips arched into me, growling softly. His hands are on my face as he sucks my lower lip then opens my mouth with his tongue.

I come up for air. "Jeez, Edward, I thought you got off at lunchtime!"

"Way too long ago, Bella, and I've had to walk around all damp and glued to my shorts ever since. So you know what I've been dreaming about?" He smiles wickedly and bites gently below my ear, his arms sliding around me because he knows my legs just fucking liquefy when he does that. "A shower, Bella, a nice, _long,_ hot shower."

Oh. OH. Oh _fuck_ yes.

He leads me into the bathroom and we undress each other. I have to be careful extracting him from his shorts as they're stuck to his cock and he winces as I pull them away gently. I push his cords and boxers down and kneel in front of him to pull them off his feet. I can smell him - he smells of sweat and come, rank and goatlike, but always of himself as well, of Edward. He gasps and makes a choked noise in his throat as I grab his ass with both hands and push my face into the damp, curling hair in his groin. I breathe his salty musk in a kind of animal ecstasy, rubbing my nose and cheeks around his rapidly stiffening cock like a smooching cat. I'd purr if I could, but I settle for running my lips and tongue up and down the fat vein underneath, humming so as to tease him. He draws me back up to stand with him.

"Fuck, Bella," he moans into my mouth, kissing me hard and deep. "So hot, so fuckhot."

"I love how you smell," I whisper between kisses, breathless. "Wanted to smell you before you got too clean." I grasp his cock, a hot, heavy weight in my hand, and feel it pulse. "I like you dirty."

He grunts and pushes forward into my grip, staring down at me, his pupils blown as he kneads my breast and rolls my nipple in his fingers. I graze my swollen nipples across his warm skin. He pushes the forefinger of his hand into my mouth and I suck on it, our eyes locked. He draws me across and into the shower then bends and kisses me, wet tongue and lips and his fingers are back in my mouth as well. His other hand slides lower, down between my legs where it's wet as he presses me back against the glass wall, parting my legs with his knee.

I shudder as his fingers curl up inside me, pushing and probing as the heel of his palm massages my clit. My legs open wider and I shut my eyes, making wordless noises of pleasure.

"Yeah," he mutters into my mouth, his voice hoarse. "Fuck, Bella, fuck. Oh you're so tight, you're so wet, my hot, dirty, sexy girl. Do you want me to fuck you? Tell me what you want, baby, tell me…"

He's got me pressed up against the wall of the shower. It's not running, we haven't been able to tear our hands off each other long enough to reach the mixer tap. I barely notice - all I can feel is his swollen cock in my hand, hard and thrusting into my grip. His long fingers are right up inside me, sliding in and out as I buck and moan, my legs weak and quivering as he holds me up.

"Want you inside me, want your cock inside me," I whimper, frantic, pressing his slippery cockhead in between my legs and sliding it into the slick folds there. He expels his breath sharply and pulls his hand out, thrusting his erection further in between my legs, clutching my ass and rubbing his glans against my clit as I grunt and buck, gripping him with my thighs.

"So wet," he moans. "What do you want, Bella?" His lips are on my throat, biting the curve of my neck as I offer myself to him. His voice is ragged: "Tell me again, tell me what you want."

"Your cock, want your cock. Want your big, hard, hot cock right up inside me, want you to fuck me hard and make me scream. Please Edward, please…oh please…" I'm moaning and clenching on his shaft and it's so thick and heavy with want, burning against my sensitive flesh as I try to angle myself, to suck it into me any way I can. I'm sobbing - I have to have his cock in me or I'll die, I'll fucking die. "Now, Edward, fuck me now!"

He makes a desperate noise and turns me, bending me at the waist and pressing my hands to the glass, pushing my trembling legs apart as he stands between them. His hand guides his cock into my cunt and I arch up and tilt my hips until I feel him slide in then push deep inside, grunting. I cry out - it's so good to be filled, so good finally to have him inside me.

His hands grip my hips and he raises me a little so that he can hammer his cock harder into me. My sweaty hands slip on the smooth glass and we slide into a corner of the shower stall. I'm wedged there, pressed askew as he lifts me and batters himself helplessly in. Every thrust makes me grunt and quiver, bracing my arms against the glass walls as I push myself back onto him and try to suck him in more deeply. I feel my cunt fluttering around his shaft as I start to come, the hot pleasure ripping a scream from me as he sobs and arches back, his iron fingers digging into my hips as he empties himself in a series of convulsive jerks, then falls forwards, catching himself on the shower wall and subsiding onto me.

He clings to me, trembling, his face resting between my shoulder blades as I slump on the cool glass, panting. I feel him gently licking the sweat off my skin then he kisses my back. We right ourselves, legs all aquiver, and lean in the corner of the stall, arms tight around each other, my head against his heaving chest, his hand in my hair.

Once he judges that the shower nozzle won't bring us to our knees, Edward reaches across and turns the mixer tap on, pulling me under the hot spray. He washes me carefully, soft between my legs where it's still oversensitive, and shampoos my hair. I do the same for him and he lets his head fall forwards, making small happy sounds as I massage his scalp and the nape of his neck.

* * *

Carlisle and Esme aren't due back until after 11 pm so we get into bed, wanting to be close, to cuddle up together.

"How did Jake's math test go, did you hear?"

That's right, it was today. No, Jake hasn't called me yet. We haven't been able to help him as much as we wanted to; Edward can't tutor him while he's on lockdown.

"I don't know - haven't heard. Look, Edward, about Jake…"

"Yeah, what? He's lying with me in the crook of his arm, our legs tangled loosely as he absently kneads my breast.

"I didn't get a chance…at the weekend…"

"Mmmm? A chance to do what?" He's only half-listening, kissing my forehead as his fingers trace rings around my nipples.

"Well, with the E, and…and such a lot happened…"

"Mmmm?" He's slid down now, licking my breast and blowing on it as I shiver deliciously, arching up beneath him. No, dammit, I have to stay focussed here, have to spit this out. I feel his cock stiffen against my thigh. Will it make it easier if he's got a boner and my tit in his mouth when I tell him? I'm tempted to take him to the point where he can't speak English before I confess, but I know that won't work, not really. Ah, crap.

I sigh and pull his tousled head off me gently. "No, Edward, stop a moment. I'm trying to talk with you. Stop, please, just listen."

He hears something in my tone and rolls off me, lying to one side and frowning. He's puzzled and that guarded look's back again.

"What?"

"Last week, last Friday. I went out to Jake's place, to tell him that we couldn't, that I couldn't…you know, go on dates, or to the concert. Just him and me."

Edward's looking apprehensive, sensing bad news. My stupid glass face, I might as well have "Bella fucked Jacob" written across my forehead in black Sharpie.

"Just you…and Jake. Yeah…so?"

I look down and swallow, my voice almost a whisper. "Well, it didn't go so well. He was…upset. And, and…" I swallow again, I can't meet his eyes.

Edward runs a hand through his hair, looking harried. "What? What happened? Did he get mad at you? He shouldn't take it out on you, Bella, it's not your fault that I can't...can't cope with you and Jake…"

But it _is_ my fault and I'm sure my face shows my guilt. I look up at him, pleading. "I didn't mean it to happen, Edward, and we both felt like shit afterwards. I meant to tell you but I couldn't at the weekend, and the longer it's been since then, the harder it is…"

Edward's almost grinding his teeth now and I realize I'm prolonging the chickflick agony with my wittering. Spit it the fuck out.

It comes in a rush. "We argued and he got all hurt and thought he wasn't good enough for me, and I had to comfort him and then we just got carried away. I'm so sorry, Edward, we just couldn't help ourselves." Not quite the truth, as Jake _was_ pretty insistent, and I tried to say no, at the start. But it _is_ my fault, I can't duck the blame. Jake wouldn't force me if I said no and really meant it.

"What do you mean you got 'carried away'?" Edward's sitting up now, arms around his knees, staring off at the French doors. His voice is cold.

_No, no, don't do this, don't be like this._ I try to touch his arm, to tell him it doesn't matter, that I'm still his, but he shrugs away from me, pulling into himself.

"You fucked him, didn't you." It's not a question. The words are flat, with no feeling. Only his flaring nostrils give him away as he tries to control his breathing.

I stare at him desperately. No, he's got the walls back up. I have to break through, to get him to talk to me. "I…we…well yes, but-"

"But _what_ Bella? But it was just _sex_? But you just felt _sorry_ for him? He's a smart bastard, I'll give him that, he knows how to play you. And you're such a pushover for sad bastards, aren't you? I guess that's why you've latched onto me. Got to have someone to save, don't you? Some fucking flightless, broken bird to fuss over. Some hopeless emo cripple like me to make you feel noble and like Mother fucking Teresa."

I choke out an incoherent protest but he's not listening to me, just to the cracked record in his head.

He rubs his face and shakes his head, getting up and pulling on jeans and a black T-shirt, muttering to himself all the while as he sits on the bed, his back towards me, pulling on socks and sneakers. "Should have fucking known. You don't want _me_, not really, no-one does. Any fuck-up will do. Why are we even _trying_ to make this work? Jesus, there's no fucking future in it, we're just sticking together by our sick bits. It's hopeless."

"No, it's not hopeless! Edward, don't do this - don't over-react, please! I love you, I do-"

I'm grabbing at him but he stands, wrenching himself away from me, his face closed.

"Over-reacting am I? Yeah, well it's hard to know quite how I _should_ react when you say you love me but you're fucking Jake behind my back. And you know what?" He laughs, but there's no humor in it. "It's all my fucking fault. I'm the one who brought Jake into this, into us, the one that wants to have you both. Nice one, Edward, that worked well. Fuck. FUCK."

He slams his hand hard against the wall and I jump, frightened by the sense of coiled violence in him. But I'm not frightened for me. It's him I'm worried about. I scramble out of the bed and drag my clothes on as he prowls up and down, pulling on a jacket, grabbing his wallet and his stash.

"Are you going out? What are we-"

He gives me no chance to finish, turning sharply. "_We're_ not going to do anything, Bella. You need to go home now. You don't want to be with me. Shit, _I_ don't want to be with me. Just go home."

"But I can't, we can't leave it like this, please don't-" I'm crying and hating myself. Sniveling unattractively, tears running down my face.

He turns away, his face contorted. "It is what it is. Pretty much dead in the water, yeah? Talking won't help, Bella. I'm no good for you, really. I'm no good for anyone. Just go home, think about it, you'll see. I don't love you - I can't really love anyone, I'm too fucked up. All I'm doing is hurting you, so better we end it now."

I stare at him, numb, cold panic rising up my throat and choking off my vocal cords. No, he can't mean it, he can't. But at the back of my brain a small icy voice says _told you so, he was always out of your league, it was only a matter of time before he dumped you_. Even now, pacing restlessly, his hair wild, he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. His green eyes are black and dead but he's like a fallen angel, burning from within. Lost.

He thrusts my coat at me and I pull it on and fumble with my bag, stumbling down the stairs after him like a broken doll. Out on the porch it's only seven but it's full dark, the leaves on the trees rustling menacingly. I try to take his arm again, my thick tongue struggling to form words, but he steps back and turns away.

He doesn't look at me again. "Just go, Bella," he says, his voice strained and harsh.

So I get into the truck and crash the stupid fucking gears, tears half-blinding me as I swear furiously, finally finding my voice, too late. There aren't any words though, and even if there were, he doesn't want them. He doesn't want me.

I back and turn, rattling slowly off down the drive, swerving around Jasper's car as he and Alice arrive home, their faces peering up at me, pale and startled in the headlights as we pass. That'll be it with Alice too, I guess. I've been far too wrapped up with Edward and Jake to be any sort of friend to her, so I've blown that as well.

There's only one place I can go, one person I can tell, and it's not Charlie. Charlie doesn't even know I've been seeing Edward, he mistrusts Edward. Perhaps he was right, even though he doesn't know him. Who does? Do I know him? I thought I was getting there, starting to understand him. Then I have to fuck it all up, just when he was letting his guard down and starting to trust me. To trust us.

I have to find Jake. We can't let Edward throw it all away and self-destruct. I have to talk to Jake.

* * *

 

_Edward_

I can't watch her drive away, it hurts too much. It kills me to see her cry and know I'm the cause.

I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach, like I'm clenched round a ball of pain, and I can't be with her, I'm too fucked up to be with anyone now. I hate that they did that, that she let him - what? Fuck her? Make love? I don't know which is worse.

I know that we just spent the weekend in bed with each other, but it's different. It is. No-one would see it that way though, they'd think I was fucking crazy. Crazy like an ostrich, head buried in the sand. What's the fucking difference really, between Jake and Bella going at it at his place, and all three of us here, in my room?

But there _is_ a difference, there _is_. I don't want to share her, not really. So when we're together, all three of us, it's like I'm still controlling it, still - fuck, I don't know - somehow loving her through Jake. Loving her with his body as well as my own. But thinking of them by themselves frightens me.

What if she likes him better than me, really? She's known him longer, as Alice pointed out. Their relationship's deeper, it goes back years. And I'm suddenly filled with jealousy for all those summer holidays when he got to hang out with her, all the kid things they did together that I wasn't part of.

I'm so fucking weak and insecure and I hate it. I'm no good to anyone - not to Bella or Jake or myself. Bitter bile rises in the back of my throat and I can't fucking stay here, I have to get out, get away from the train wreck of my life. Oh Jesus, don't think about that, please not now, I can't go there, not now. I break into a cold sweat, feeling as though I'm going to throw up.

Jasper's car crunches to a stop in the gravel, distracting me, thank Christ. Alice piles out and stalks toward me, glaring. Oh great, here we go, it's the fucking attack chihuahua.

"What the hell, Edward? What have you done? That was Bella and she was a complete mess. I _knew_ this shit with you and her and that Jake guy was going to end up in one big goddam disaster. Edward? Edward!"

I turn away, walking to the Volvo, unlocking it. She runs after me and grabs my arm as I'm opening the door. I freeze, my face turned away as she yips and snaps at me.

"Yeah you were right, Alice, well done you. Full marks. Well, not to worry 'cause I won't be bothering her any more. She and Jake will be much better off without me, right? Everyone will be."

"What? Where are you going? Mom and Dad said-"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm grounded. Well, tough. I can't be here now, I don't give a shit what they say." I pull the door open and get in, but Jasper's there now, he's holding the door open, keeping it from closing.

"Let the goddam door go, Jasper," My voice is a snarl.

"Edward, what are you - where are you going? You're in no state to-"

"None of your business bro, so just let me go." I stare them down, realizing belatedly what they're worried about. "I'm not going to top myself for Christ's sake, I just have to get out, I'm going stir-crazy."

Jasper relaxes a little and I wrench the door from his grasp, slamming it and activating the locks.

"Where are you going, Edward?!" yells Alice, grabbing uselessly at the door handle as I start the engine.

I do a violent three-point turn, spraying gravel, and Jasper pulls Alice back out of the way, scowling at me and cursing.

I skid to a stop and lower the window.

"To Hell, probably. But Seattle tonight. One of the outer circles." I grin nastily and spin off down the drive through the tree-lined tunnel then out onto the main road, relieved to be in motion.

No matter how pointless. No matter how misdirected. But hey, that's what I do, that's my thing.

I thumb the iPod and the car fills with Marilyn Manson's _Tainted Love, _cranked up to the max.

"_Sometimes I feel I've got to _[smash smash]_ run away, I've got to _[smash smash]_ get away from the pain you drive into the heart of me…"_

Flooring the gas pedal and I'm head-banging to the crashing double-beat drums. Good old MM, best fucking cover band ever.

Wallowing in ecstatic self-loathing I point my Volvo towards the city and hurtle off into the rushing night.

 


	21. Rock Bottom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

 

_Edward_

My favorite bouncer's on the door so for once some damn thing's going right. I don't know his name but he's got a line of Frankenstein's monster stitching tattooed round the middle of his thick neck. Apt enough, he looks only marginally human. But he takes my palmed C-note and lets me in, so he's my BB tonight.

The club seems darker and more sordid than usual, but then it's been a while since I was here, and a few things have happened meanwhile. I shake my head sharply, not wanting to think about things that have happened. Not now. I'm here to obliterate everything, not to remember.

The room does a couple of celebratory laps of its own after my head stops moving. Probably down to the two fat ones I smoked in the car en route to Seattle - my eyes will be red as a fucking vampire. Plus whatever that dusty tablet was that I found in the glove compartment after I'd parked the car. Probably a tranq, but it might have been one of those dud Es that was mostly K. Whatever.

The room's still moving on its own and my knees give way - whoopsie. I grab at something to stay upright. The thing I grabbed turns out to be a person. I realise that I'm clutching his bicep when I feel it flex under my hand like a snake.

"Edward, sweetheart. To what do we owe the pleasure, _mon cher_?"

"Laurent?" I peer up at him. Fucking Laurent. Jesus, he's bulked up since I last saw him a few months ago, I barely recognised him. And he seems to be wearing some sort of weird leather corset.

"The very same. Looking a little _en déshabillé_ there, Edward. Had a rough night?"

I try to work out what the French means - undressed? So I took the T-shirt off and left it in the car, so what. Still got my jacket on. Wanted to send the right message tonight and there's nothing like naked pecs to send a message in a dive like this. But not to Laurent, never to Laurent.

His voice is slippery, like his arm. He's sweating in the club's heat, probably on some cocktail of substances that would kill anyone else. I go to remove my hand, feeling faintly sick, but his own large paw clamps down on mine, holding me in place.

"But you must let me help you, _mon petit_ Edward. Still so pretty, aren't you, even if you are _un peu_ messed up tonight. But I think I like it - it suits you to be a little rough around the edges. There you are, _mon petit_ \- just you sit down and Laurent will look after you."

Somehow he's steered me over to a table at the back of the room, and pushed me into the curved banquette. I try not to touch the velour seat with my hand - it feels faintly sticky and I don't want to know why. It's so dark I can barely see Laurent beside me as he squeezes in as well. I don't want to be here but I don't seem to be in full control of my limbs right now, and the room's still spinning slightly.

But Laurent, shit, not Laurent. He's the definitive antidote to Canuck jokes. Nothing funny about Laurent, even if he is from Toronto. Nothing bland or boring about him. He's the one they warn the twinks to steer clear of in all the clubs. I got warned myself by one of my first hook-ups, a nice enough middle-aged lawyer, not a memorable screw. Laurent is the toxic waste of the gay scene, his body a stew of viruses and chemicals - to which he appears to have added steroids as well, just for kicks. His mind though, that's the really nasty part. They whisper about him in the back rooms - nothing concrete, just shuddering and sideways looks. He likes pain - other people's pain.

There's a drink in front of me and I sniff it suspiciously. Some ghastly anise-scented stuff - absinthe?

"Hate aniseed," I manage to slur out, my tongue also mutinous like my damn legs. "Beer. Want a beer."

"But of course, Edward darling." Laurent has some waitperson trapped, I can see him silhouetted against the fluorescents around the bar, scribbling on a pad. Laurent mutters something and the guy turns away.

"Wait!" I manage to croak. "Heineken. In a can. Unopened."

"Paranoid, aren't we?" Laurent's trying for wry but he sounds a little pissed. Might have dodged a bullet there. Not that anyone needs to slip me a mickey though, I'm managing a pretty good zombie act all by myself. Must get away from Laurent.

But it's too hard to extricate myself from behind the table, especially after one of Laurent's dubious "friends" squeezes in on my other side. He's a fucking beefcake too, they must have roid parties together, kind of like botox parties, shooting each other up. Roid-rages. I laugh foolishly, snorting beer out my nose, drifting in a confused haze of drugs and lager.

It's later, but I've no idea when. Not a lot of idea about where or who either, at this point. There are several cans on the table in front of me, must mean something. It's still dark, still throbbing with harsh techno - all they ever play here. I've surfaced from a dazed stupor, vaguely aware of someone licking the sweat off my neck. He's sucking my collarbone now, and as his shaved head falls lower I see the stark black tatt on the back of his skull - the biohazard sign, like three superimposed handcuffs or pincers. Fucking Laurent - I groan in disgust, but it only seems to encourage him.

"Laurent, no…"

"But yes, Edward," he mutters as he sucks across my chest, his tongue slithering around my nipple. "Wanted you for a long time, _cherie_, but you play hard to get, no? Teasing poor Laurent, you bad boy."

"Not fucking playing, Laurent!" I slur, trying to writhe away from him. But my body is clumsy and disjointed. I feel like a puppet whose strings have been cut.

He presses me back against the stained velour and kisses me forcibly. He tastes of garlic, aniseed and something sweet and rotten. I can't get away from him as he thrusts his tongue into my mouth, effectively gagging me. And I am gagging, sick at the thought of Laurent's mouth on mine, his tongue invading me. But my jaw has no strength as he pins me to the cushions, slithering his tongue against mine as I choke and moan helplessly.

And then I feel his hand as well, groping under the table. He must have undone my jeans when I was passed out. He worms his hand down and of course I'm not wearing underwear, not that that a pair of fucking shorts would have saved me. My hips move convulsively as he takes me in his big moist hand, but I'm trapped behind the curved table, pinned to the rank, sweaty cushions sobbing strangled, unheard protests into his mouth. It's very dark, and no-one's going to wander by. Back here is where you come when you don't want to be disturbed, when you want to do precisely what Laurent's doing to me. But usually both parties want it, and I don't want this.

There are tears in my eyes - tears of rage, and shame, and I have to breathe through my nose and concentrate on not gagging as Laurent's tongue slides all around mine like a poisonous slug. I make a desperate noise as my cock starts responding to his stroking, getting hard. No, I don't want this, oh fuck no, fuck _no!_

"Nmmph! Arrgh! Nnngh!"

He gives an odd high-pitched giggle, then, _oh thank Christ_, pulls his mouth back to bite my ear.

"Get the fuck off me, Laurent!"

I only get one breath out though, then his other hand's clamped across my mouth and he's nuzzling my cheek. He makes it look like we're just sucking face, blocking any view of the hand mashing my lips shut, silencing me. I've got no strength and I can't feel my hands. I flail vaguely but my arms aren't working properly any more.

_No, no, no, no _my mind wails, as he presses his over-muscled body against my bare chest, stopping my mouth with his fleshy hand and whispering excitedly as he licks my neck and behind my ear. The ribs of his corset dig into me and his hand, his fucking _hand _under the table...

He's doing something with his thumb down there, rubbing my cock just under the head in between long, grasping strokes. I can feel the sticky fluid on the tip of my cock as he smears it across the head and I can't help responding, my hips arching forward, pushing into his grip, even though I hate it, I hate it, I hate him and I want him to stop.

"Yes _cherie_, yes, Laurent knows what you want. That feels good, no? Soooo good, my sweet Edward."

"Nnnnnn," I moan into his hand, in hopeless negation. But he's not listening, no-one's listening.

"First we do this, _non_? Then we go somewhere more…private, and you can reciprocate, _oui_?"

I thrash despairingly. "Nnnnnnn! NNNNN!"

But the things he's doing to my cock, I can't help myself. I feel the hot pressure building up down there, fired by his touches. His thick palm slides over my balls, his thumb massaging that spot just behind the base of the sac. Then his fingers are caressing the sensitive rim of my cockhead and frenulum, swirling across the glans before gripping my shaft and pumping me expertly. And all the while his wet lips are beside my ear, muttering obscenely as he pins me to the seat with his sweaty torso and pulls me off.

"Oh you're a naughty boy aren't you, Edward? Such a dirty boy, so bad. You want it up the ass don't you my little slut, my whore. Are you my whore, Edward? Are you my rent boy? Yes? That's my good boy, _cherie_, yes that's right. Fuck my hand, sweetheart, fuck it hard, show me how much you want it, yes that's good, oooh yes baby, you like that. Come for me, Edward, come all over my hand, come right here in the club, come on, sweetheart, let it go, let it go…"

Tears are running down my face and wetting his hand. _No, fuck no, oh god, oh please no..._ I moan and spill helplessly into his fist, my traitor hips jerking involuntarily.

I'm slumped back on the banquette, unable to move. Paralyzed by exhausted self-loathing I hardly notice as Laurent zips me up. He's taken his hand off my mouth; he knows I won't protest. I'm beyond protesting now, filled with a sick passivity. He's right, I am his whore, his rent boy. I deserved this, I asked for it. He made me come so I must have wanted it; it was my own fucking fault, all my fault.

Laurent pulls me out from behind the table and forces me to stand. I can barely stay upright, I just want to crumple into a corner and shut my eyes, shut it all out. He puts his arm around me and holds me tight against him as though we were lovers then walks me out back where the toilets are, holding me up. I stumble along, my head down, barely registering where we're going. Right at the back in the near-dark there's a fire exit to an alley at the side of the club. It makes sense. Even the toilets are too public for Laurent's little games. I've heard about the alley, what it's used for, but I've never been out here. I had some standards before, but not now.

I dimly register that it seems deserted. There's the shadow of a dumpster by the street, garbage cans and heaps of bags and boxes, a strong scent of rot. The air's chill and damp. It floods my nostrils like wasabi, hitting my sinuses like burning ice, waking me up. My numb brain starts functioning again, just a little.

Fuck, I'm in trouble. Laurent's got me up against the grimy brick wall and he's mauling my face again, fumbling with his trousers. I wrench myself away and spit off to one side to get his foul taste out of my mouth.

"No! Let me go, Laurent! Fuck off!"

I try to push him back but he's grabbed me and forced me down against the wall, crushing me there with his legs as he fists handfuls of my hair on each side and tries to force his cock into my mouth. I jerk my head up, his cock thudding against my cheek, smearing fluid there. My heart's racing, thinking what's in that fluid. I don't want it anywhere near me, not in my mouth, not anywhere in my body, not ever.

"NOOOO! HELLLLP ME! SOMEONE!" I cry out, wriggling futilely in the prison of his legs and hands. I'm arching back and away from that fat, obscene cock as he tries to force my head down. The pain where his thick fists are clenched in my hair is intense and my eyes tear up, blurring my vision.

Laurent lets go of my hair with his right hand and backhands me hard across the face. My ears ring and I can't see for a moment from the pain and the tears. Snot's running from my nose and I'm trying to get my hands up but one arm's crushed against the wall behind me and he's got the other pinned with his knee. I contort myself frantically and manage to free one arm, grabbing his wrist where he's still got the death-grip on my hair. But I can't even move him a little, his wrist's an iron bar.

"I'll fucking bite it off!" I moan furiously, twisting my face as far away as I can as his cock presses up under my chin and slides across my jaw, leaving a moist trail.

"No you won't, Edward," he whispers hoarsely, threatening. "I'll kill you if you use your teeth, _cherie_, huh? Snap your sweet little neck like a twig, _oui_?"

And he lets go my hair and wraps his thick fingers round my throat, squeezing tight. I can only just breathe and I can't get away. I can't stop him as he takes that cock in his other hand and brings it to my mouth. It's wet and glistening in the dim light from a dingy flickering sign overhead. I stare at it, horrified, my mouth clamped shut.

Then his grip round my throat tightens and I have to open my mouth to gasp for air.

* * *

 

_Bella_

"No a right, make a right here!"

"Fuck, Bella, it's a one-way street, I can't…"

"I should never have let you drive, Jake, you're hopeless."

"Fucking women navigators. You've got the map upside down!"

"That's the direction we're headed. Make a U, it's back there."

***

It's a miracle we've gotten this far without braining each other with a wrench. I don't think Jake expected my old truck would make it all the way from Forks to Seattle, either. But when I got out to his place the bike was half stripped - some problem with a fuel line.

Billy was out when I tumbled into the shed where Jake was working on the bike and poured it all out in an agitated rush. Jake was singularly unimpressed with Edward's reaction, but finally my sense of urgency rubbed off on him. The problem was channeling that urgency into any sort of plan.

"We can't go charging off and find him if we don't know where he's gone, Bells. Seattle's fucking huge - he could be anywhere."

"No he couldn't, Jake, think. Where would he go, all worked up like that? Is there some bar, some place he talked about with you? Did you ever go anywhere with him?"

"No, we just went to the motel after Neumos. He wouldn't go to Neumos I don't think. It'd be too tame for him in the mood you're talking about. He'd want somewhere mad, bad and dangerous."

I whimpered at that and he pulled me into a hug, stroking my hair. "Jeez, Bells, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to freak you out."

"It's not _you_ that's scaring me. You're right. He was in a black mood, he'd want somewhere to match it, somewhere dark."

In the end Alice saved us. My cell rang and it was her, checking up on me. I'd worried the hell out of them the way I looked when we passed on the Cullen's access road. She told me about her and Jasper's confrontation with Edward, and where he'd said he was going as he took off.

"_To Hell, probably. But Seattle tonight. One of the outer circles."_

"Does it mean anything to you, Alice? What he said? Do you know where he'd go?"

But she and Jasper had no idea where he went in Seattle. I asked her to cover for him if she could, with Carlisle and Esme. Told her Jake and I would find him and to tell them he'd gone to bed already. They might not notice that the Volvo was gone, in the dark - he often didn't park it in the garage. I also got Alice to call Charlie and say I was starting the sleepover early this weekend. Some story about a video session with Emmett and Rosalie. I called him as well, on my cell, and spun him the same line. He seemed fine about it, saying Sue had asked him over anyway, for dinner.

Then I just slumped on Jake's uncomfortable bench seat couch, defeated, trying not to think about what we'd done there that had sent Edward off into this stupid goddam tailspin.

"Tell me again what he said, Bells? About where he was going?"

"_To Hell, probably. But Seattle tonight. One of the outer circles."_

"Outer circles? What'd he mean by that?"

"One of the outer circles of Hell, I guess - you know, like in Dante's Inferno."

"Yeah? Ummm." Chewing on his lip thoughtfully.

"Jake? What!"

"There's a club called that: Dante's Inferno."

"Yeah? Would he go there?"

"I don't know, but it's possible. It's a gay club, kind of sleazy, got a pretty dodgy rep. I've never been there but I've heard of it."

"It sounds about right for his mood tonight, Jake. Ah fuck, I don't know, but it's all we've got, we have to try it, have to do _something._"

It took me a little while to talk Jake around. He didn't think the old truck would make it. I figured if I had Jake along at least he could fix the damn thing if it broke but that just made him roll his eyes. I guess the prospect of being stuck under the truck at the side of the highway in freezing pitch darkness wasn't massively appealing for some reason. He threw his toolkit into the footwell anyway, and gave me a jumbo flashlight. We got the address from Directory and as Jake drove I located it in an old dog-eared Seattle map book I'd grabbed from the shed just before we left.

***

So here we are, in the big city. But the map's hard to figure out, even with the flashlight, and we're still going round in circles trying to get near the place.

"There! Make a left, down that side street, yeah, _there_."

Fucking finally. The red neon sign flickers fitfully: _**antes Infer o**_

There's a park across the street so Jake pulls in and we sit for a moment, a little shell-shocked from the long juddering drive. I look at my watch: 10:55. It's taken us well over three hours, even pushing the truck to the max, Jake gritting his teeth when I told him to go faster, sure the battered old monster would explode in an eruption of steam and pistons. I reach out and stroke the dash, promising it a tune-up when we get back: good old truck.

"OK, wait here, I'll see if he's there."

"What? No, I'm coming in too."

"Well, you can try, but I bet they don't let you in."

"Women go to gay bars all the time!"

"Yeah, but not this sort. And you're underage."

"So are you!"

"I've got Joe's old ID - my cousin from the rez, he's twenty-two. And I _look_ twenty-two Bells - you sure as shit don't."

I try it on anyway but he's right, the bullet-headed bouncer with the weird tatt stops me.

Jake slips in through the door, calling back: "Wait in the truck!"

I sit there for a few minutes, blowing on my hands to warm them; should have brought my gloves. Jeez but it's cold out there tonight. What the _fuck_ is Jake doing? How long can it take to have a look around a crappy joint like this?

Another minute and I can't stand it. I get out and cross over to the sidewalk outside the club, pacing to and fro to keep warm and pulling my coat tight around me. Come on, Jake, find him, find him, please let him be there. Oh fuck I hope he's there, but what if he's not? Then we're stuffed. We'll try Neumos and the motel, but I don't think-

The fuck was that? Some sort of scuffling and muffled voices from an alleyway in beside the club. I stop, suddenly nervous, looking round me and realizing for the first time what a rough part of town this is. It could be some crackheads down there, or muggers. Could be feral cats or giant mutant cockroaches. Shit. Shitshitshit.

Then I hear it.

"_Help me! Someone!" _

I could swear that was Edward, and I'm running for the mouth of the alley. But it's so dark, fuck it's dark. I crouch behind a dumpster and listen, vibrating like a violin string.

There's the sound of a blow and a gasp, then Edward (it _is_ him) says _"I'll fucking bite it off!"_

What? Bite _what_ off. Oh shit, he can't mean…

Another voice then, lower, harsher, a slight French accent. No, French-Canadian. _"No you won't, Edward, I'll kill you if you use your teeth, cherie, huh? Snap your sweet little neck like a twig, oui?"_

No, fuck no, have to help Edward. I move forward and trip immediately. Fuck fuck fuck, fucking idiot. No wait, it's a brick. I grab it and creep around the dumpster. A big ape-like guy has Edward pinned to the wall, with his cock in his hand and he's going to…to, _fuck_ no!

I scream with rage and lurch forward, smashing the brick on the back of the big guy's bald skull.

"Don't you DARE fucking touch my Edward like that, you sick fuck, get your hands OFF him!"

The ape staggers off and crashes face-first into a heap of trash.

Edward's slumped against the wall, his arms raised fearfully, covering his face. He's a mess, tears and snot, half undressed despite the cold and shivering violently. Maybe he's in shock? I kneel down beside him and pull him into my arms.

"It's OK, it's OK now, you're safe, Edward, we're here."

He weeps on my shoulder and I rock him against me, stroking his hair.

Then suddenly I'm dragged backwards, an arm like an iron bar hard across my windpipe. I gasp, kicking out as Edward scrambles up and staggers forward, trying to grapple with the ape and pull him off me. But I can't breathe, my vision's going red and I'm choking, my legs jerking uselessly as another voice shouts and Edward screams something, wrenching desperately at the arm around my throat.

And the pressure's gone. I fall onto the filthy concrete, gasping and retching. There's a confusion of scuffling and grunts, then the sound of several crunching blows, then silence.

Edward and Jake pick me up, murmuring urgent questions, stroking me, brushing me down.

"Are you alright, Bella?"

"Is your neck OK?"

"Damn, that looks like it'll bruise."

"Can you talk, Bells?"

I pull them both to me, unable to speak. I just need to feel them, to know they're both here, both alright. Edward looks better, not so broken. Well he looks like shit really, his face smeared, his hair standing up like a scarecrow, but he seems more alive than when I found him all crumpled by the wall.

"It hurts a bit but I'm OK. What happened to him…that guy?"

"Laurent." Edward's voice is bleak. "We beat him up. Then Jake knocked him out. I don't think he's dead but I don't much care. Forget him - let's get out of here."

We go to the truck but it won't start. Jake tries the key several times but it's dead as a doornail. Guess this adventure might be the old truck's swan song; there's no time for repairs now. Jake grabs his gear and Edward screws up his face, trying to remember where he left the Volvo. He's looking worse, deep lines etched around his mouth, a vein throbbing on his forehead, and he's shivering again. Thank Christ the car's not far away. Jake takes the keys off him and Edward doesn't say a word. He's not very steady on his feet now - still a little drunk, or something.

We go to the motel, of course. Despite the heater in the car, we're all cold, and Edward's still shivering. I lead him straight into the bathroom and he follows me quietly, letting me undress him and push him in under the hot shower. But then he just stands there so I strip off quickly and get in too, soaping him all over with a washcloth and rinsing him down. I'm extra careful with his penis, trying to be so gentle until he takes the cloth from me and soaps his junk obsessively, once, then rinses himself, then soaps up again, wincing. I wonder why he needs to, what happened to him. He slips back into passivity after that so I dry him as well, his head falling back loosely as I towel his damp hair. Jake has a shower too, to warm up. His knuckles are swollen and grazed, as are Edward's, from punching out Laurent.

Jake pulls back the covers and we crawl into bed. It's not super-large but that's OK, we don't want much space, we want to curl up together. Edward nestles into Jake's belly, spooning against him, and pulls me toward him, my head under his chin. He rests his cheek on my hair and sighs deeply. The shivering seems to have stopped. Jake's arm folds over us both, and we drift off into a fitful sleep.

Just when I'm blissfully warm and relaxed in Edward's arms, Jake smoothes back my hair, shaking my shoulder and whispering.

"Bella, it's almost five am. We need to get up. Edward's got Saturday school at eight."

We surface, groaning and stretching stiff muscles. Edward's still drowsy and slightly confused. Jake and I chivvy him out to the Volvo and I pull him into the back seat with a blanket from the trunk. Jake drives, as we head south through Tacoma and Edward slumps against me. At some point Jake pauses for a drive-thru McCrap breakfast but I don't want any, I'm not hungry.

Edward's scrunched up across the back seat, his warm head pillowed heavy in my lap as he sleeps, sighing softly as I comb his wild hair with my fingers.

Chopin plays quietly from a CD as Jake takes us home. We skirt the edge of night, heading west as the sky behind us lightens and dawn overtakes us.

 


	22. Fix Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out Playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

 

_Bella_

We get to Forks with fifteen minutes to spare before Edward has to report in, just time to shake him awake and feed him some Tylenol and take-out coffee. I despair of his hair - it's like a damn fright wig but I try running a comb through it anyway, to fuck-all effect. He's yawning and rubbing sleep out of his eyes and there are faint purple finger marks on his neck, but it's not obvious what they are. People will just assume I've been fastened on his throat like the Bride of Dracula.

Jake and I drop him at Forks High and I point him in the right direction and give him a little push. He trudges a few paces like a wind-up toy then stops and shakes himself slightly. He turns back to us and pulls Jake into a hug, doing that guy slap on the back thing and avoiding eye contact. I watch them, shaking my head - you'd never know they were full-on ass-bandits in their spare time. Then Edward's arms are around me and he's crushing me to him, lifting me up slightly so I feel like a kid with my arms around his neck and feet dangling, face pressed in his messy hair. He puts me down, smiling crookedly, and backs away, then turns, hunching his shoulders to face the morning ahead. I watch until the main entrance swallows him; I'll be back with the Volvo at noon.

It hits me that I'm facing serious life suckage without my truck. How in hell am I going to get around everywhere? Forks weather isn't exactly conducive to wandering about on foot. Shit. Suddenly I love the old heap of rusted metal - will it even still be there or has it already been towed or stolen? Jake tries to calm me down over hot chocolate back at the diner. He calls his friend Red and arranges for him to go around to the club to check the truck out and have it moved to the bike shop, so that it can be fixed. Oh damn, how am I going to explain the amazing disappearing truck to Charlie? It's sure going to be conspicuous by its absence.

"Why not tell Charlie it broke down and I've got it out at La Push, 'cos I'm working on it?"

"Yeah, Jake? That might work, for a while anyway. Maybe it'll need some tricky part that you have to order in, don'tcha think? But what about your bike?"

"I'll have her reassembled later on today. I guess it means another trip to Seattle sometime, to get the truck back though - I can put Sophie in the back for the trip home. Red's a pretty good mechanic - I'll see if he can fix it meanwhile."

There's a lump in my throat, and tears prick the corners of my eyes. He's a damn good friend, Jake, I really don't deserve him. I stretch forwards across the table and kiss him, licking off the milky mustache on his upper lip. He tastes sweet and marshmallowy and he grins, ducking his head and looking sidelong around the diner, a little sheepish.

So we head on out to La Push, Jake at the wheel while I call Alice on my cell, hoping it's not too early to wake her. I figure she'll be worried about Edward though. Sure enough, she's up and gagging for an update on what the hell happened, hugely relieved that we found him and brought him back to Forks.

Amazingly, we seem to have gotten away with it. Esme and Carlisle came back pretty late and went straight to bed, so it just seems like Edward moseyed off to Saturday school this morning. Which he did. Kind of. I don't tell her what happened in Seattle, just that he was drunk at a club and we drove him home. I arrange to come over with him at lunchtime, but Alice says to let ourselves in. Carlisle will be at the hospital and she and Esme are going shopping in Port Angeles until mid-afternoon.

I drop Jake off. He needs to put Sophie back together so we probably won't see him until tonight. He folds me into one of his monster hugs, bending down beside my ear and murmuring.

"Thanks for making me go with you, Bells, to get Edward. I don't wanna think what might have happened if we hadn't. D'you think he'll be alright?"

I'd told Jake what I'd seen in that alley before I brained the creep, during our drive home. Maybe I shouldn't have, with Edward asleep, but I thought Jake needed to know that he might be a bit messed up. A bit traumatized. It was hard to say how badly yet; he didn't seem too outwardly fucked up. But then, Edward had an Olympic gold in fronting, so that meant nothing.

"Jeez, I hope so, but he's been through so much, Jake. We'll just have to take it as it comes. So we'll see you tonight, right, at Edward's?"

"You think he's gonna want to see me too?… After what that guy… you know?" Jake's uncertain, pushing his hair back.

"Yeah, I think he needs us both. With things still pretty fucked up with his family, we're all that he's got right now. Just, you know, play it by ear with what he feels OK… um… doing."

Jake nods, frowning a little, and waves me off, turning to go inside and catch up with Billy.

So finally I'm home, seems like ages since I was last here, but it's only yesterday. Charlie's out, on day shift today. I sit vacantly in one of the kitchen chairs, vaguely mulling things over, but I'm so tired I feel unreal, a regular space cadet. I dozed a little on the way home, but I need more sleep.

My cell trills its "text message" tone. I dig it out of my pocket and it's from Charlie. He's gotten a lot better at texting - Forks PD isn't exactly downtown L.A., so he gets time to practice.

_Hey Bells  
I'm at work -  
call here if u need me.  
Message by phone for u at home  
\- someone frm Phoenix.  
Not urgent - can wait til Sun.  
Dad_

Phoenix? Can't be Renee or he'd have said. I stand up yawning and stretch. Out in the hall there's a scrap of paper by the phone, weighted down with a lead fishing line sinker.

_Bells - Gillian called from Phoenix, wants you to call her back, no rush._ And there's a phone number.

I shake my head to clear it. Gillian, my old therapist? Guess it's a follow-up - she did say she might phone me after a while just to see how I was getting on. A huge yawn overtakes me so I stuff the note in my jeans and drag my tired legs upstairs.

I pull off my coat and catch sight of myself in the mirror as I'm hanging it on the door. Fuck. There's a band of dark bruising across my neck, much worse than Edward's. Gonna be a lot of turtle-necks and scarves across the next couple of weeks. What about gym? I'll have to pull a couple of sickies – oh well, it's an ill wind as they say. I'm too tired to think it through any more so I kick off my shoes, fumble clumsily with the alarm clock and crawl in under the comforter before falling into oblivion.

* * *

 

_Edward_

The morning passes in a daze. I sleep some more, head on my arms on the desk, uncomfortable. Old Anderson, the supervising teacher, looks as fed up as we are to be stuck here; he doesn't give a shit whether we do homework or not as long as we don't disturb him while he grades papers. He takes Band, plays the trumpet himself if I remember rightly. Much as I love music, I'm not one for team sports.

I slip into a restless dream, unwillingly reliving the foul taste of Laurent's tongue in my mouth, struggling helplessly in his grip.

"Noooo!-"

I'm moaning out loud, almost falling off my chair as I jerk awake, cold and shuddering, feeling the nausea rise up in me as I dash for the door, everyone's eyes on me. Any diversion to cut the boredom. I just make it to the bathroom and throw up in a hand basin. Crouched shakily over scratched stainless steel, I run the cold water and splash my face repeatedly, washing out my mouth several times and drinking handfuls to rinse away the taste.

Anderson glares at me when I come back in and I mutter an apology.

"Sorry, bit of a rough night, had to use the washroom."

He grunts unsympathetically. "Why am I not surprised? If you were more responsible in the use of your time, Mr Cullen, I doubt you'd be gracing us with your presence here today."

Yeah yeah yeah - go fuck yourself with a flugelhorn, you old fart. Muttering imprecations under my breath I slouch back into my seat. But of course he's spot on: once again I've brought it all down on myself, nobody else to blame. I sigh wearily; I'm getting so tired of this shit.

Resting my head in my hands I try to think about what happened, and how Bella and Jake came riding to the rescue. Thank fucking Christ. It was bad enough with Laurent, but if Bella hadn't laid him out with that brick… a chill runs through me. I wonder if he made it through the night, lying there cold in the dark alleyway. I'd be happy if he _had_ died from exposure, but I doubt it: reptiles like Laurent have a talent for survival. I push it aside: _forget him._

Sitting there with my eyes shut I let the memory of Jake and Bella warm me - they obviously _do_ care. Fuck knows why, but they do, and I'm grateful. I've been acting like a complete dick: jealous and insecure, taking my anger out on them and throwing dumb tantrums. I need to stop this bullshit and treat them both better, but it's so hard to change, so very hard to trust. I have to try though.

I remember what they said about my father: that it wasn't my fault, that I have to forgive myself. I can't manage that yet - I think I'll always blame myself - but I'm starting to accept that _they_ don't blame me, that they care about me no matter what I did. My eyes get damp as the realization sinks in. Jesus I'm a pussy, blinking the wetness away and sniffling like some chick watching a three-hanky tearjerker as I try to hide my weakness, slumped in the back of this room of bored teenagers with my face in my hands.

I'm still feeling like a turtle without its shell when I emerge, blinking in the pearly-gray, overcast light of noon. The sight of Bella leaning on my Volvo brings a lump to my throat and I pull her into another close hug. Christ knows what she thinks, with me grabbing her like this every chance I get. She doesn't seem to mind though and she kisses me quickly on the cheek, as Anderson's behind us, glowering. He's starting to seriously aggravate me.

We head home. Bella explains about talking with Alice, and the shopping expedition. Fucking A; we should have the place to ourselves as Emmett's generally off somewhere humping Rosalie after getting his caveman instincts fired up at football practice. I'm feeling a bit primitive myself as I think about getting Bella alone, so I reach across and pull her into a kiss at the lights. Her mouth opens for me and I'm just fucking lost, straining against her across the console with my hands in her hair, a moan building in my throat at her taste and the softness of her lips. Then some dickhead behind us starts leaning on the horn – is there no romance left in the world? Asshole. I flip him the bird out my window and speed the rest of the way home as Bella giggles and warns me not to get caught by one of Charlie's underlings. Point.

Why am I so eager to get Bella to my room, I wonder as I rush her up the stairs as soon as we get home? Not that she's not pretty goddam keen herself, and we do have the house to ourselves, a rare luxury. There's a slightly desperate edge to my kisses once we reach the third floor and lock ourselves in. Bella lets me press her down onto the bed and I'm quivering with urgency, kicking off our shoes as I push up her sweater and bra to free her breasts before burying my face between them. I need a shave badly, my stubble rasping across her nipples as I lick circles around them. Bella whimpers at the friction, and the sound goes straight to my groin.

I fumble at her waist, undoing her jeans and pushing them down frantically, with her panties. Then my own, kicking the denim down until my legs come free. I just want to plunge into her, but she might not be ready, so I slide down and open her thighs, kissing them until she shrieks and writhes away, my stubble tickling her. Undeterred, I spread her with my hands and fill my face with her taste and scent as I press my tongue into her slit and lap at her clit. My cock's so damn hard and I rut against the covers, rubbing my swollen cockhead on the weave of the bedcover as I thrust my tongue as far into Bella as I can and listen to her moan my name.

Then I'm scrambling up again, fumbling with need as I take myself in hand, trembling, and press her legs apart.

"No, Edward, wait!"

_What?_ I can't stop… _fuck_, I need to have her now, why…? But Bella's pushed me off and rolled away, scrabbling in the nightstand drawer for a foil square. A condom, shit, I'd forgotten again. Come on, come on. I fight the urge to tear it from her hands and rip the damn thing open with my teeth. Finally she rolls it on me, her fingers brushing up my shaft and glans once it's on as I make a desperate noise and buck into her hands.

Then she lies back and pulls me on top of her. I'm barely aware of anything but the hot pressure in my groin as I part her legs again and push into her wet heat.

"Fuck… " And I'm groaning, lost, as her legs come up, hooking around my waist, her heels pressing into my ass. So deep, so fucking tight and slick and good. I hear her cry out and I'm sobbing her name as I hook my arms under her shoulders for leverage and pound myself in, as deeply as I can.

"Oh fuck, I'm…" _yours, I'm all yours and you're mine, Bella,_ "…gonna…ohhh…" My head's hanging down and my eyes are shut and I'm all cock, thrusting and grunting and coming, bright and hot and hard and shuddering as I cling to her.

I feel ashamed after I've come back to myself and dealt with the condom, shifting my heavy weight off Bella and pulling her against me, spooned round her back. I don't even know if she came, but I don't think she did. I was too needy and desperate to consider her. Maybe I wanted to cleanse myself, to obliterate the memory of last night in her softness and warmth.

"I'm sorry," I whisper into her neck, and I slide my hand slowly down her belly and tangle it in her damp curls, slipping one finger into her cleft. God she's wet, and she arches back against me, whimpering. I pull her leg up and bend it forward, moving my hand behind her now, pushing my fingers up between her legs in the swollen folds there, finding her clit as she writhes on my hand. I slip two fingers inside her, thrusting them in as I roll her a little onto her front, pinning her with my body while I fuck her with my hand until she jerks convulsively, biting the pillow as she comes.

We lie there together, drowsing and exhausted, and after a while I gentle Bella up to sit on the side of the bed and remove the rest of her clothes, pulling off my T-shirt. I want to feel all of her against me. Then I see the purple mark across her neck.

"Oh fuck, Bella, your neck, it's really hurt." I kiss the bruise gently, feeling like shit. So that's why she changed into the sweater.

"It's OK, it's not really painful now."

She draws me in with her, under the covers and we nestle together, touching each other softly. I slide down and pillow my head on her breasts and she strokes my hair. Maybe we drowse a little.

"Bella?"

"Mmmm?"

"Last night, at the Club… " I trail off, not sure if I can bear to talk about it.

"You don't have to tell me what happened, Edward, not if it's too-"

"No, I - I think I need to… "

She strokes my forehead and I close my eyes. "That guy, Laurent. You stopped him from - well, you saw."

"Yeah, fucking bastard. Did he hurt you badly?"

"Physically, not really." I roll over and kiss her poor neck again, where he bruised her. "I'm so sorry, Bella, so sorry you got hurt."

"I'm alright though, and you need to stop apologizing, Edward. Not everything's your fault."

"No, just most of it. Apart from the Middle East - they're not pinning that one on me." Trying to lighten the mood but it falls a bit flat. We both grin weakly.

I nestle in beside her, my head in the crook of her shoulder and my arms around her.

"Bella, in Phoenix, when that bastard James… when he… was rough with you during sex… Fuck. I mean, I don't know if he ever, if you ever… "

"What, Edward? Are you asking because of what Laur-"

"Yeah. In the Club, before he brought me out to the alley. He made me…he held me down. In the back, where it's dark. He touched my cock and I couldn't stop him. He's strong and he had his hand over my mouth and he had me behind a table in one of those banquettes, where I couldn't get away. He made me come, Bella, he made me come and he said I was his whore. I was drunk and stoned off my face and I couldn't stop him. He made me come and oh Jesus, I shouldn't have… I felt like a whore, like he was right-"

"Oh, Edward, no. Oh baby… "

I'm clutching at her now, and I can't look at her as the tears come, soaking her hair while she holds me and strokes my back, rocking me as I sob. I'm not sure what I'm weeping for, it's all pain and anger and mixed up as the tears pour out.

After what seems like a long time I subside, and she gets me some tissues from the nightstand. I'm feeling embarrassed and foolish but she draws me back in and just holds me while she talks.

"Look, I had some therapy after James, with this woman called Gillian. She was pretty good: it helped, I think. I told her about how James would force me sometimes, and how much I'd hated it, even though once or twice I'd come. Gillian said it's quite common, in sexual assaults. It doesn't mean you wanted it or that you're a whore, Edward, it's just a physical reaction that you can't always control. It's still sexual assault, what was done to you, and it's not your fault. It was James and Laurent who were the bad guys, not us. OK, we were a bit stupid and reckless, but we didn't assault ourselves - _they_ did. Don't beat yourself up about it, Edward, put it back with him, where it belongs."

The crying's exhausted me; I feel heavy and used up. I kiss her shoulder. "Thanks, that helps."

"You could maybe talk to someone, Edward? A therapist? Like I did with Gillian?"

"I… maybe. I don't know… I'll think about it."

I pull her tight against me; I'm too tired to think right now.

We lie there and doze some more until the sound of car doors slamming drifts up through the windows. Alice and Esme are home. So we get up and dress and make the bed quickly. I put some music on and unlock my bedroom door, leaving it ajar.

Then we curl up together on the couch and pretend to be teenagers.

 


	23. Life Support

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out Playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

 

_Jake_

I turn away from Bella as she drives off in Edward's car. It looks pretty incongruous here in La Push - _so_ not an NDN vehicle. There ain't too many pristine, shiny silver Volvos on the rez. It'd need a load more dents and scratches to blend in, and at least one wrecker-replaced door from another-colored car.

I push open the front door and I'm thinking it's a bit quiet – maybe Dad's already gone out? He doesn't usually though, not first thing. He used to be up with the sun but the diabetes and the chair makes it harder for him to get going in the morning these days. He has to eat properly and sort his insulin and all that. He didn't use to need the insulin, just some tablets when he was first diagnosed. I guess it got worse across the years – well, it caused all the problems with bad circulation in his legs for one thing. And I know he doesn't stick to his diet plan properly; the nurse down at the rez medical center's always on his case about it – what's her name? Betsy, yeah, Paul's second cousin. And Billy drinks more beer than he should, but who am I to talk. Worries me a bit, though.

Hungry now so I check the fridge. Damn, there's fuck-all here; usually Billy stocks up before the weekend but he must have forgotten. I poke at a small, dried-up chunk of cheese. No eggs, but I can get some from old Auntie Queets down the road; she keeps chickens. Maybe I can borrow some bread from her too, just to get us through breakfast. I throw the last moldy crust into the trash. At least there's coffee.

I'll just check if Dad's here before I go down the road. Then I have to get Sophie back together; it's a bummer not having wheels – poor Bells. Guess Edward could give her rides everywhere, but his parents may not let him… Or Charlie'll take her to school in the cruiser – man, she'll hate that! I'd like to help: I get a warm glow just thinking about Bella pressed up against my back on Sophie, oh yes. Only until the truck's mended, so as to help out, y'know. But Charlie's so anti-motorcycle; Billy said he calls bikers "donors". Typical cop.

Grinning at the thought of a sulking Bella being taxied around Forks in the cruiser by Charlie, I knock on Billy's door.

"Dad? Hey, Dad – it's Jake. You awake yet?"

No reply. Maybe he _is_ out but I better check. I knock louder. "Hey, Dad!"

I push the door open, and straight away my stomach sinks through the floor. He's there, the covers mounded up over him where he's lying on his side. But he's so still. It's really dark so I pull open the curtain. I'm frightened to go over to the bed, but I make myself. Somewhere deep inside, I realize I've been expecting something like this one of these days, been secretly afraid of it.

"Dad?" I'm half-whispering as I touch his cheek. His eyes are closed but he's warm. Oh thank Christ, he's just sleeping.

"Hey, Dad, it's me, Jake, wake up now." I shake his shoulder a little but there's no response, he just lies there, not moving. He's breathing but it sounds weird – sort of irregular and shallow.

"Dad! Please wake up!" Shaking him harder now: still nothing. He's not asleep. He's not OK.

The sick, cold feeling rushes back in force, making my knees tremble. Shit shit shit. What now? Call someone. I need the medical center, they'll know what to do. It's Saturday – there's a morning clinic.

I make the call and thank fuck Betsy's on, so she knows me and Billy. She calms me down a bit and gets me to tell her the details, then talks me through a finger-prick blood sugar but apparently it's not a hypo. Betsy says to call 911; we won't have to pay for the ambulance. Dad needs to go to the hospital in Forks, she says.

So I do that and they come a while later – it seems like forever and I'm pacing and checking on Dad all the time, but really it's as fast as they can cover the distance. Such a relief when the paramedics take over, but scary to see them strap Dad to a gurney and put a needle in his arm for the IV, before bundling him into the ambulance.

I ride along in back with Billy and the female paramedic, a thin red-haired woman with glasses. I'm clutching onto an overhead rack as we lurch over potholes before hitting the main road and the siren starts up. It makes me tense up and the wailing noise chills me but somehow it's right, it's how I feel. I want to cry and wail but I can't: I have to be strong and deal with this. Will he be alright? What did the fingerprick blood show – what the fuck's wrong with him? He doesn't look good in the harsh light inside the ambulance, pale and his face oddly slack as the paramedic fusses with his IV line. He doesn't really look like my Dad. I don't ask the red-haired woman how he is. She wouldn't tell me the truth anyway but I heard the word "coma" when they were working on him.

I swallow and shut my eyes briefly. I should have been there, been around more. Billy must have messed up his insulin, and now he's in a goddam coma from the diabetes. He _has_ been a bit off recently, kind of cranky. _Shit._ I should have been home, looking after him, not way the fuck and gone in Seattle running around after Bella and Edward. I haven't spent as much time at home since I met them, and the guilt hits me now, bitter acid eating away inside my gut as I stare at Billy's wan face. I'm a crap son, just so fucking selfish. I suck. My eyes prickle and I swallow.

* * *

It's some time later but I've lost track. Endless pacing and sitting in the hospital waiting room while they check Billy over and run a bunch of tests, even a CT brain scan. A doctor who doesn't seem that much older than me tells me what's happening at one point , but he won't say what's wrong with Dad until they get the results. I'm so damn tired after driving all night, and it takes forever, so even with some truly foul coffee from the vending machine I end up asleep in my chair.

Carlisle Cullen shakes me awake. "Jacob? Can you come with me so I can talk with you about your father?"

Right, Carlisle, it would be. I rub crap from my eyes and lurch upright, my left foot half-asleep. Carlisle leads me to a small room with a few chairs and a low coffee-table. I'm wary of him but he seems OK, professional anyway. First he checks if there's anyone I can call for support, like a relative. My heart freezes.

"Is he dead? My Dad?" I can barely get the words out.

Carlisle hastens to reassure me. "No Jacob, no, he's not dead. It's just that you're relatively young, and I'm afraid your Dad _is_ seriously ill. If there's anyone you could call in, to be with you while we talk…"

But I need to hear about Billy as soon as possible, not piss about any longer. "No, just tell me, please."

So Carlisle tells me that Billy's had a stroke. He says it's probably been coming for a while, it's a risk with diabetes, especially in someone Billy's age. Probably nothing to do with his insulin dose or what he ate last night, could have happened any time.

I feel some relief at that: even if I'd been home it might have happened. _But you left him alone all night._ I grit my teeth and admit that to Carlisle – that I haven't been home until this morning when I found Billy. I don't tell Carlisle I was helping save his step-son from a pervert out back of a sleazy Seattle gay club. He might not be able to keep up the kindly medical professional shit with me if he knew all the details. Fuck, no.

Carlisle eyes me, obviously wondering where I was all night. He's wise enough not to ask.

"I don't think it would have made any difference, Jacob. Strokes tend to happen very suddenly – that's why they're called that – and there's nothing you could have done. He's been in a coma ever since, so not in any distress."

The knot of guilt inside me relaxes a little. "When will he wake up? From the coma?"

Carlisle purses his lips consideringly and looks down at the table where a bunch of old magazines are stacked. Not good, my heart sinks again.

"We can't say, Jacob. I'm afraid it's a very dense stroke. I mean, it's quite a bad one, he's in a deep coma." Carlisle leans forward, concerned. "Jacob, I'm afraid there's some chance that your father may not wake up again."

I frown, feeling odd, like I'm watching us both from the doorway. "You mean he might just stay in the coma?"

"Well, possibly. I… we don't know for certain… You're sure there isn't anyone you want me to call? A friend of your Dad's maybe, even if not family?"

Friends. I haven't seen as much of Quil and Embry lately. I want to see Bella and Edward, mostly, but I can't say that. There's the Clearwaters of course, but they headed off today, visiting family up at the Makah rez for the weekend. I feel oddly detached as I run through the options in my head, pushing my hair aside and rubbing the back of my neck, which has a crick from sleeping in the chair. I could say to call Charlie, Chief Swan: he's Billy's best friend after all. But if he gets called in I bet he'll want me to go home with him, and he'll call Bella and get her to come home too. And then Edward will be left alone, apart from his family. Family like Carlisle, Jesus. So that won't work, he can't talk to fucking Carlisle, not even to Alice or Esme, not really. Not about that. Anyway, I don't want to leave Billy; I want to stay here with him as long as they'll let me. And I need to see Bella tonight, and Edward. I need them to help me with this; it's too big for me. My eyes prickle again and I rub them.

"Yeah, there are friends I can call, but I want to stay here with my Dad. I can stay, right? I haven't even seen him yet since we got here."

"Of course you can see him, Jacob, I'll take you through in a moment. You can stay here, of course, for a while. But not all night: you need to get some rest yourself. You look very tired."

Again we skate around what I might have been doing all last night to be quite so damn wasted. Not what you're thinking, Carlisle, unfortunately. Wish it were.

I sigh. "OK, yeah. I've got school friends on the rez of course. I can stay with them – I'll make a phone call in a bit, after I've seen Dad."

Carlisle's happy with that plan and he takes me through. Billy's in some sort of intensive care area. It's a bit daunting with all the high-tech equipment but I'm relieved to see he's not on a breathing machine. _Not yet._ A cold whisper in the back of my skull. The nurse puts a chair for me beside Billy's bed and she pulls the curtains around, explaining how he's hooked up to oxygen through a tube under his nose and about the monitors and machines making bleeping sounds. She checks his IV line and leaves me sitting there. He's just as pale, his face still slack and weird. I sit there and hold his cool hand. It's limp, and I'm terrified that this person in the bed isn't really my Dad. It feels like Billy's gone away, like his spirit's already somewhere else.

_Stay with me Dad_, I beg him silently. _Don't leave me, please, not you too. I need you._ And finally the tears come. Trickling down my face as I sit in the hard plastic chair holding Billy's lifeless hand, listening to his irregular breathing.

* * *

They kick me out several hours later, in a kindly way, making sure I've got my friend coming in to collect me. Which I have: I called Quil and arranged the pick-up but I didn't tell him what was going on with Billy, not yet. I don't want them all rushing about and fussing; I want to stay with Bella and Edward tonight. Just this one night before it all goes to shit.

I've been dozing beside Billy, even slept with my head in my arms on his bed, for a while. The nurses came and went, checking things, fiddling with the IV. Billy hasn't moved but he's still breathing.

I try to remember what we talked about the last time he was OK. Friday it was, earlier in the evening at dinnertime before he went to watch TV, saying he was tired and planned an early night. I went out back to work on Sophie. I got caught up in the workshop and by the time Bella arrived some time later he'd already gone to bed. We'd just chatted about ordinary stuff over dinner: what I was doing to Sophie, when he planned to play cards next with Harry and Charlie. If I'd known what was coming I'd have said something more… I don't know… maybe told him I loved him, whatever. Yeah, that'd have totally freaked him out: _have a good poker game with the guys Dad and by the way I love you. _He'd be sure I was gay then, he already suspects I'm not entirely… traditional in my relationships. Suspected. Fuck. I'd give anything if he was suspecting I was gay right now, anyfuckingthing.

I kiss him goodbye and walk slowly out to the front entrance to meet Quil, trying not to think about whether my Dad will still be breathing tomorrow. _Keep breathing, Dad._ The nurse promised they'd call me if there was any change; they have my cell number.

Quil and Embry are both in Quil's car. It hits me harder than I expected - to see them, to have friends around me again. I blink and swallow, getting myself under control again before I tell them about the stroke. But not about how still Billy is, how lifeless he seems. Embry tries to reassure me, talking about his uncle who had a stroke and was walking again in a few weeks.

"Yeah, and Billy's already got a chair, so he's used to that," says Quil, trying to look on the bright side.

They don't know yet how bad it is; I haven't been able to tell them. I don't think there's a bright side to this, but I try a shaky smile.

"So where are you staying, dude? You can crash with us, you know that?" Quil's all keen but their place is overflowing already, there's no real room.

"Yeah, like, how can we help?" says Embry.

"Well, I gotta get home and fix Sophie first, cos I need wheels. But I have to have a burger right now – I've only had chocolate and crap from the machine here all day."

So we truck on over to our favorite greasy spoon on the way to La Push and I explain how I stripped Sophie down and need another couple of hours to finish getting her back together again. I've gotta have my ride just now, have to get to and fro to see Billy.

We head back to La Push and they hang out while I work on Sophie. It almost feels like a normal Saturday after a while: me working on the bike while Quil and Embry lounge on the bench seat sofa and the chair, cleaning me out of beers from the fridge while they fool about and tell me what everyone's been up to. They're curious about where I've been, who I've been seeing. I hint about Bella and they tease me. They like Bella, know her a bit from before. I don't mention Edward.

It helps to act normal, to focus on Sophie. I can do this: screw the right nuts and bolts into place as I reassemble her as good as new, well, so she'll work fine, anyway.

But I can't put Billy back together and the thought slams into me, sitting on the floor on flattened cardboard boxes beside my bike with Sophie's bulk shielding me from my well-meaning friends as they dick about over in the corner. I clutch a wrench, fingers black with grease as I squeeze my eyes tight shut and try desperately hard not to lose it completely. Then I take a deep breath and press on, my hands shaking a little.

Finally, Sophie's all fixed up and ready to go. I told the guys I'd arranged to stay with Bella and Charlie and they're happy with that. They head off, Quil at the wheel, full of plans for the evening's adventures. I've said I'm too tired and not in the mood; I'll just catch up with Bella. I don't say where she is.

It's about six o'clock now and I'm fucking exhausted so I clean up and splash some water on my face. I have to tell Charlie, but I've been putting it off until the guys left. I make the call from my cell, telling Charlie I've been caught up at the hospital all day, too shocked to remember to phone until now. He buys it I think, and says he'll call over there now and see Billy, as his shift just ended. As I predicted, he wants me to stay with him and Bella but I tell him that I'm crashing with Quil tonight out on the rez and I'll see him tomorrow. I arrange to go over to their place in the morning, so I don't think he'll check with Quil. I hate lying to them all but I have to see Bella and Edward tonight, I just have to.

I'm completely worn out then so I fall into bed, waking again at 10:30 in a cold sweat after a fading dream that wrenched me out of sleep with tears on my face and a terrible sense of loss. Reality hits me a moment later, just as bad as the dream. I stagger into the shower and try to let the hot water calm me. Feeling slightly better I locate a clean T-shirt, shorts and socks, and pull my leathers back on.

Then I get onto my bike and ride out to the Cullen place. I cling to Sophie's warm vibrating frame and lean into the curve of the tree-lined road as the cold wind rushes past, waking me fully and blowing away my worries and fears. Only for a minute or two, but I'll take what I can get.

* * *

 

_Bella_

Edward and I tiptoe carefully around Esme. She came upstairs after she and Alice got back, finding us the picture of innocence on his couch, seemingly listening to a jazz fusion CD. We might as well have stuck our tongues out to show her the solid chunks of butter there. Doubt that we fooled her for a second, but hey.

So we traipse downstairs after her for coffee and some special cake they got in Port Angeles. Alice is excited, in full-on post-shopping mode, dashing up and down the stairs to try on new purchases in her room and then model them for us. She's pretty funny with it though, kind of spoofing herself. She's _so_ not a supermodel, vertically challenged as she is, but she pulls Edward up to join her and makes him pose while she does the catwalk prowl in her gold slippers, then waltzes right under his outstretched arm without ducking. Even Esme's laughing and more relaxed than I've seen her before. She's better when it's just her kids here, when Carlisle's not around.

Apparently the dear doctor won't be in – the hospital's short-staffed and he's covering for a colleague until later tonight. Edward and Alice and I lie around in the living room, reading and playing music, then Edward goes off to his room, saying he's got homework to do. I set it up with him before Esme came upstairs for us; Alice and I need to talk, after yesterday.

I get her back up to her room so as to try on some outfits. But really to talk. It's hard to explain about yesterday without telling her… so much. So much about Edward I can't say. He has to; it's not for me to spill all his secrets. But I try, anyway, to reassure her that we just had a temporary glitch; we're alright now. I'm fine, Edward's fine, Jacob's fine. Sort of. No teenagers were harmed in the making of this threesome. Mostly. In the end she's not fully convinced, but she sees I'm sincere in wanting to be with them, and I think she senses that what Edward and I have is special. I reckon that's what finally wins her over. She may not know all the shit Edward's still grappling with, but she cares a lot about him; I never realized quite how much.

By the time Esme calls us for dinner Alice and I like each other better; we're closer to being real friends. I meet Edward on the stairs and squeeze his hand, nodding and trying to reassure him as he searches my face. _It went well, don't worry._ He smiles back and some of the tension eases out of him.

Dinner goes much better, but then anything would be an improvement on last weekend's visit to the kitchen, even falling off a cliff with a sharp stick up my ass. I have quite a reasonable conversation with Esme over dinner, about school and (bizarrely) the cactus I keep in my room. I miss the dry gardens of Phoenix. Forks is so green it almost seems unhealthy, like the vegetation is taking over. Triffids. Plants know their place in Arizona, they're clawing to survive there, spiky and wizened, not dripping all over everything like some sort of alien life form. Not that I say all that stuff to Esme, we just chat about cacti and succulents.

She clearly loves gardening and I compliment her on the hydrangea painting in the living room, which earns me some brownie points. Edward shoots me a small smile when she's not looking. He seems to be coping alright, not looking too haunted. But this is routine for him, he can probably fake family dinners without even trying. Still, we did talk a bit. Maybe it helped some.

Jasper arrives after dinner and we watch a video in the TV room. Edward and I settle in on a sofa, under a mohair blanket. I nestle against him and he slips his hand up underneath my shirt to fondle my breasts gently, more for comfort than for sex. Jasper and Alice are far more R-rated from the noises across the room. Esme's in the kitchen reading magazines. We chose the movie deliberately to put her off: "Boy Eats Girl", a totally ridiculous zombie number. At least the soundtrack's moans and loud slurping noises cover the same sounds emanating from Alice and Jasper. And when zombie-boy has a go at his girlfriend, Edward chews softly on my neck and then kisses me, which is very enjoyable.

Then it's bedtime and we do the same fandango as last time with me pretending to ready myself for bed in Alice's room as she rolls her eyes and huffs at me in a long-suffering manner. Esme checks in then goes off to her room for the night, and the coast's clear. Carlisle's very unlikely to bother us again: after the drama with Edward last week they've been avoiding the hell out of each other, sliding coldly by like a couple of icebergs.

Edward's door's unlocked so I slip in and turn the key. He's waiting in bed, propped up on the pillows in a T-shirt and reading a book by someone called Richard Morgan: "The Steel Remains". His tastes in literature are far more adventurous than mine, but it looks like fantasy, not his usual thing though he does read sci-fi.

He lays the book down on the nightstand, sliding a bookmark between its pages carefully as he closes it. I watch, feeling mildly criminal about all the page corners I've folded down across the years.

"Good, is it?" I ask as I slip into bed beside him, picking up the book briefly to read the back cover.

"Yeah. He's an interesting writer and this is his first foray into fantasy. And the heroes are gay. Quite explicitly so."

He smirks at me from underneath his lashes. Oh rilly? I grin back and cuddle up beside him. But we're not so explicit ourselves, we're happy just to hold each other. I get him to slide down a bit so I can finger-comb his hair; I know how he loves that. He sighs and relaxes into me, his arms around my waist. It's warm and the lamp's low and we drift off to sleep, waking to Jake who's arrived through the curtains and is dropping his jacket by the bed with a thud.

"Hey." I smile up at Jake while Edward yawns and rubs his eyes, rolling onto his back. But Jake looks odd: almost like he's been crying. And he doesn't smile back.

"Yeah, hey." He sounds miserable. He pulls Edward's armchair up closer to the bed and sits heavily, pulling off his boots and socks.

"Jake? Are you OK?"

Edward looks across at this, taking Jake's appearance in properly, his brow creasing. "What – has something happened?"

Jake slumps forward, head in his hands. "It's Billy. He's had a stroke. He's in Forks Hospital."

"No, Jake, oh no! Oh my God!" I'm up now and kneeling by his chair, taking his hands in mine, peering into his face. "What happened? When? Oh _Jake_…"

Edward's on the edge of the bed, looking worried.

Jake tells us what happened since this morning. He's quiet, talking softly, looking down, just occasional glances up at us. It seems like he's only just holding himself together. Then he tells us about Billy being so still and lifeless, and the feeling that he's already dead in some sense, and the dam breaks, tears running down his face as I pull him into my arms and just rock him. Edward finds some tissues and sits on the arm of the chair, his hand on Jake's shoulder and rubbing the nape of his neck.

We hear the rest of the day's events and I look up at Edward. It doesn't sound good - Edward's face is grim and drawn in sympathy. He bites his lip.

Jake seems exhausted now, and no wonder. We help him get the leathers off and draw him in between us, in his shorts and T-shirt. Edward pulls him into a hug, and just holds him for some time. I spoon around Jake's back, glad that his T-shirt mostly covers up the wolf.

Finally Jake relaxes and lies back on the pillows. "Thanks guys. I'm sorry but I can't… I mean not now, not tonight… "

Edward shushes him gently, smiling. "No, man, of course not. We don't want to either, just to sleep together. Really sleep, I mean." Jake attempts a smile in response, but it's not very successful. We cuddle up together, just touching each other and the odd chaste kiss. I ask where Jake's staying.

"Um… actually… with you and Charlie, Bells. There's no room at Quil or Embry's and the Clearwaters are away. I called Charlie earlier cos he and Billy are… were…" He swallows painfully and blinks a few times. "Yeah, well, so he insisted. But I said I was with Quil tonight. Quil's out on the town and I don't reckon Charlie will call him, anyway. He said to come over tomorrow morning.

"Good. You can take me home, like you'd picked me up or something." I look across at Edward, eyebrows raised, and he nods.

"But Eds… shit… I'm sorry, man. Will you be OK?"

Edward looks quizzical. "With you staying at Bella's? Yes, of course. This is much more important and I'll come over and see you both. I need to sort out this lockdown shit – I have to talk to Esme. Properly, I mean, about a few things. And anyway, I've been acting like a dick, you know, with the jealousy. And last night in Seattle…" He pushes up to lie propped on one arm, sighing and scrubbing a hand through his hair. "You two saved my life. I was a complete fuckwad and… well, thanks. Just thanks."

I crawl across and give him a hug too. Jake reaches out and punches Edward's shoulder gently. "Don't mention it, man. Really. Bella was the heroine of the hour anyway, hey Bells?"

"Yeah, right. Until I got myself strangled and you two had to rescue me." Damn, I shouldn't have mentioned Laurent.

But Edward seems alright. "The Three Mouseketeers, eh? Didn't you call us that, Jake?"

Jake musters a weak grin, one arm across his eyes. "Yeah, dude, that's us. Jeez we're a right… trio. Can't say 'we're a right pair', can I?"

Edward turns off the lamp and they snuggle in, my two battered boys. I slide an arm around each of them and pull them up against me, stroking their hair. Just enough tits to go around.

"Go to sleep now, it's OK," I say.

And just for tonight, while we're all here folded into each other, it is.

 


	24. Heart to Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: character death (not Bella, Edward or Jake).   
> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

 

_Edward_

"More French toast, Edward?"

"Ah, yeah, Mom. Maybe one more piece, thanks." I sip my coffee while she bustles about at the cooktop, dipping bread into the egg mixture and checking the pan's hot enough. I'm going to be too full after another slice, but it _is_ goddam delicious, and I need to get Esme in a good mood. She likes feeding me up.

"That's terrible news about your friend's father," she says, her back to me as she flips the sizzling French toast over to brown the other side. Probably just as well I can't see her eyes; I doubt the apparent sincerity in her voice would reach them.

I sigh quietly. _Cut her some slack for Christ's sake._ She doesn't know Jake or Billy, and she's soaked up Carlisle's prejudices across the years. It's not her fault she was left widowed and alone with three small kids and had to latch onto the first rescuer who crossed her path. _No, that was your fault, right?_ I rub my face and push the familiar guilt aside. Not helpful, try not to wallow.

"Yeah, Jacob's pretty devastated - it doesn't sound good for his Dad. I'm glad he can stay at Bella's place and not be alone just now."

"Well, I'm sure your father's doing everything that he can for him, poor man."

_Not my father, Mom,_ _not_. But I don't say it out loud, I don't want to trash the mood.

Alice and Emmett are still lazing in bed. I got up at eight, much earlier than usual for a Sunday as Jake did the fire escape thing then came back on his bike, pretending to be passing so as to pick up Bella. Esme was up anyway: Carlisle had to work again and she'd made him breakfast and seen him off before eight. So here we are together, a fortuitous chance for some quality mother and son face time.

"Mom, about me being grounded…"

She turns from the stove with the pan and spatula, still not meeting my eyes. Her lips are a little pursed as she slides the French toast onto my plate. "What about it, Edward?"

"I need you and…Dad…," I force the word out unwillingly, trying not to let her see how much it sticks in my throat. "Um, need you to ease up a bit on me. It's just that with all that Jake's going through, and him staying at Bella's, and me and Bella seeing each other…" I trail off, realizing I've opened several cans of worms there. A whole fucking worm farm in fact. "Er, well, it's not going to work, me being grounded right now, that's all."

That could have gone better; I'm rusty at getting around Esme. Sure enough, her eyes narrow a little and she frowns.

"'Not going to work?' Well I guess you should have thought about that when you beat up that Newton boy, Edward."

"Yeah, I know… I was stupid and I'm sorry for what happened. But I told you, he was saying bad things about Bella, and I just couldn't take it any more, Mom, I couldn't."

She pours herself a coffee and adds cream and sugar, sitting across from me at the table. "You simply can't _do_ things like that, Edward, no matter what the provocation. I thought we raised you better than that. Your father and I are very disappointed."

Gritting my teeth, I refuse to rise to the bait. I doubt that "disappointed" adequately expresses how Carlisle feels about me. "Yeah, well. It won't happen again, Mom, I promise. But Bella's really worried about Jake, and she needs to be there for him, and I need to," I hunt for the euphemism, "_Support_ her. Look after her. And Jake's my friend too, so I want to be there for him." I fix her with my most wide-eyed, hypnotizing gaze. Look into these pretty green eyes, Mom, you are in my power, you will do as I ask, you will trust me.

"Eat up your food before it gets cold."

Fuck, I don't think the mind-control worked. I cut off a chunk and shovel it in, ever the dutiful son.

"About all that, Edward." Esme folds her hands in front of her and frowns at them. "This… relationship… with Bella Swan. When were you going to tell me about that?"

Uh-oh, minefield. Proximity alert, klaxons sounding. I focus on cutting off a perfect rectangle of toast. "Erm, yeah, about that. We're just dating, is all. It's kind of recent, guess a lot's been happening. I meant to mention it, but…"

"Well, if it's no big deal, then why all the pressure to let you go over to see Bella?"

Point to Esme. "I – it's just it's pretty new, Mom, and she's upset, so it's not a good time to be apart…" Ah fuck, just be honest, for once. "But it _is_ a big deal, I mean it could be." I flail about, desperate. "Bella could be, she _is_… um… _special_." I stare at Esme hopefully: she's a woman, she's supposed to get this romantic shit. "She's special to _me_."

Esme considers me, serious. "This is a new thing for you, isn't it? You've never really had a girlfriend before, Edward. We thought that maybe you were…"

She examines her perfect nails. What? Say it, Mom. Gay?

"A late bloomer."

Yeah, right. Go for the gardening analogy, nice one. I'm a delicate specimen, a hothouse plant. When actually I'm a fucking weed, sowing my seed all over the place, an interloper, unwanted. _Was_. I _was_ like that. Maybe not so much any more. Maybe I found a way to put down roots.

"I never really cared about anyone like this before, Mom. It's new for me." I look her in the eye. "And I don't want to fuck it up."

"Language," she says automatically, but she's not really fussed about it. She sips her coffee, thinking, while I tip some syrup on my toast. "You don't want to rush into this, Edward," she says finally, with a bland smile. "You're only seventeen, you can't really know how you feel yet, or what you want."

"Yeah?" I bristle. Don't you patronize me, Esme, I know how I feel. You're the one who doesn't have the faintest fucking clue. "So how old were you when you fell in love with Dad then?"

She frowns. "Carlisle? I was twenty-seven, as you well know."

"Not _Carlisle_, _Dad_, my _real_ father. Come on Mom, you know you were my age, and you got married when you were only nineteen." I glare at her, ignoring the warning bells going off around us. We never talk about him, never. Well, fuck it, maybe we should.

Esme's face goes tight. "Don't bring him into this, it was different, we were different…"

"How? How is it different? You were young and in love. Just because you _settled_, with Carlisle, you settled for security instead of love…"

"How dare you!" She's glaring at me now, her brown eyes narrowed. "I love Carlisle just as much…only differently…and you can't know how difficult it was with your…your father. We were very young, yes, we rushed into it. You were too young to know what was going on, but it wasn't easy. He was always going off to those stupid motor rallies, leaving me to cope by myself. He was just plain…unreliable… and then he was gone." Her voice is full of pain and her eyes are glistening.

"Yeah, then he was gone, and you've never forgiven me, have you?" I can't fucking stand it any more, I have to get it out there on the table with the French toast and coffee cups, I have to say it. "We never fucking talk about him because it's my fault that he died. Because _I_ fucking _killed_ him!" My eyes are prickling and I swallow, my throat tight.

Esme's eyes are wide. "_Your_ fault? Your… Edward, what? You were only five, how could it be _your_ fault?"

"Because I ran away and he chased me and I was mad at him, I was so mad at him for hurting you and I ran down to the tracks where you told me not to go and I knew a train would come, I knew it but I did it anyway and it hit him and he died, he died." And I'm crying now, tears streaming down my face as I force the words out between shuddering breaths. It feels like I'm breaking, like I'm ripping apart and I can't stop the words tumbling from me like knives, like ground glass, as I vomit it all out.

I can't look at Esme any more, can't bear to see her pain. I put my arms over my head on the table and my shoulders are shaking as I try to get control back, to stop blubbering like a fucking kid.

Then I feel her kneel beside me, her arms go around me and she's rocking me, holding me tight against her.

"Oh, Edward love, Edward, don't say that. I love you. I never blamed you for his death, never. It was an accident, you were only a child. Even if you were mad at your Dad back then, it wasn't your fault. Come on now, it's OK, it's OK." My head's tucked under her chin and she's stroking my hair as she soothes me. And God it feels good, it feels like coming home. Like Christmas and birthdays and being tucked in and kissed goodnight. And I don't care how schmaltzy it is. Edward fucking Cullen is dead and we're dancing on his grave.

I can't stop confessing now, safe in her arms as she pats me on the back. "I thought, all these years. I thought you were faking caring about me, that really, you blamed me. For Dad, for his death. All of you, Alice and Emmett too. Well, Emmett does, I know that."

"Emmett?" Esme holds me at arms length, brushing my disheveled hair back as I sniff, all snotty. She finds me a paper towel and I blow my nose. I think she almost blew it for me but she stopped herself at the last minute. "Emmett doesn't blame you."

"Yes he does, he told me so, after it happened."

"He what? Oh, Edward, but he was only seven then himself, and you were all so upset. He won't have meant anything by it, not really." She sits beside me and takes my hands in hers. "I had no idea you were still worrying about all this, all these years later. Why didn't you tell me?"

I take a deep breath and rub my nose. My voice is thick from crying. "Couldn't tell you. I thought it was all my fault. Thought none of you really talked to me about Dad because you all blamed me."

Esme winces. "I'm so sorry, Edward. It was a bad time and I was pretty messed up myself for a while. I guess we do avoid talking about your Dad and about that time – none of us really want to remember what it was like. I just didn't realize that you'd taken it that way, that you thought we all-"

There's a noise in the hall and Alice peers around the doorjamb. Her eyes are red too; she's been crying.

"Alice? I thought you were still upstairs?" Esme looks from Alice to me. "We were just…"

"Yeah, I heard." She comes over and gives me a hug. Christ, I'm trapped in a Brady Bunch episode. It's surreal. Any moment now, someone's going to start singing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life".

"You dumbass," she says, shaking me a little as she hugs me, frustration and affection warring in her voice. "You honestly thought we were faking it and blaming you? Damn but you're an idiot sometimes, Edward." She turns to the doorway. "Come on in, Emmett, don't skulk out there in the hall, it's alright."

Emmett comes in warily - there's too much cheesiness in here for the sports jock. Emotional free-radicals are zipping about all over the place like killer bees. He glances at me then looks away, leaning against the counter. Yeah, it's not all fluffy bunnies and rainbows with you, is it bro?

Esme ignores the tension. "Emmett, did you hear what Edward was saying? About your father and how he thought you were blaming him?"

"Yeah." He sounds surly, looking down at his folded arms. Then he takes a deep breath. "Look, I'm sorry, right? Like Mom says I was only fucking seven. I didn't know what I was saying. How the hell was I to know that you'd brood about it for the next twelve fucking years?"

"Language, dear," says Esme, on curse-control autopilot again now the main crisis has passed.

"Yeah, yeah." Emmett shoots me a glance from under his brows. "I mean, I thought that you just didn't like me, that's what I thought. I didn't even remember saying that to you until I heard you just now, going on about it. I just thought you figured you were too smart for me, too cool to be friends with your big jock brother."

I stare at him, shocked. Oh fuck. The family I thought I had have been replaced by pod people. Or maybe I thought they were pod people but they weren't. My world's been a hall of distorting fun-house mirrors and I only just realized it.

"Emmett, no, I…I didn't mean. I don't think that…" But I do, kind of. I do think he's a dumb jock because that's how he acts around me. We've both been so much on the defensive since we were kids, we never really talked or did stuff together. "I'm sorry." It's inadequate, but I can't think what else to say.

"Yeah." He looks down again, then back up at me. "Me too. I shouldn't have said that. I didn't mean it, I was just..all messed up back then. You know…"

"Yeah, I know." _Please don't hug me, Emmett, I don't think I can take that much weirdness._ But he just slumps down in a chair beside me, thank Christ, pinching the bridge of his nose and looking tired. And seeing that familiar, that familial gesture, I suddenly realize. He's my brother, my blood. He doesn't hate me. None of them do.

I rub my face, swallowing, as the tears threaten again. So many fucked-up years. Jesus, what a waste.

I pull myself semi-together as Esme bustles to and fro, making more French toast and frying bacon. Alice brews another pot of coffee, chatting away about Jasper and her plans for the day. And after a few minutes, Emmett reaches out and cuffs me on the back of the head, then ruffles my hair. I look sideways at him and we grin sheepishly, and that's all.

But it's enough.

* * *

 

_Bella_

Charlie isn't on shift today, Sunday, so once Jake and I get home he takes us all to the hospital in the cruiser. It's a shock to see Billy just lying there, motionless and with weird breathing. He seems to breathe fast, then he stops, then just when I'm beginning to think he's died or something, he starts up again. It freaks me out, and Jake looks pale and drawn. He says the nurses told him that strokes can cause that sort of breathing problem; I can't help feeling it's not a good sign.

Charlie and I wait outside in the visitors' area, to give Jacob more time with his Dad. In the end, Carlisle brings him out to join us. Carlisle and Charlie shake hands and Charlie's full of thanks. I hold my tongue. Carlisle says there's been no change and Billy, although very unwell, seems to be in some sort of holding pattern. They don't know how long he might stay in this state. Carlisle's obviously relieved that Jake's staying with us. He encourages Jake to go back to school on Monday, promising they'll call him if anything changes. Charlie agrees. I guess it's better for Jake to get a break from what's happening with Billy; he can't just live at the hospital.

The rest of the day is quiet; Jake's subdued. Charlie buys us lunch at the diner and we collect Jake's gear from La Push then he settles into our tiny guest room. He seems very large in there, but even so, smaller than normal; crumpled in on himself. Later on, Charlie and Jake watch the football on television and I make dinner; we don't talk much but it's comfortable. Jake and I do some homework together at the kitchen table then we head upstairs to get an early night.

I'm changing into my sweats and tee when I feel a crumple of paper in my jeans pocket. I'd forgotten the note from Gillian. It's only 9 o'clock, and I know she'll be busy with appointments tomorrow so she'll be hard to get hold of. Would she mind me calling her at the weekend? I don't think so, so I pull out my cell and dial the number. It's a recorded message – I guess she screens calls or something. I leave my details - oh well, I tried.

I go to the bathroom, passing Jake on the landing. We grab a quick goodnight hug, but Charlie's not far off so we can't risk anything else. I doubt Jake would be up for more anyway, he still looks pretty shattered.

Back in my room and I'm picking up the phone to dial Edward when it rings, startling me. It's Gillian. It's not a follow-up; she wanted to let me know that James isn't in prison any more. He got out somehow, with two other inmates; he's on the loose. Gillian heard from her police contacts in the Victim Support service. She reassures me that I'll be fine: James has no idea where I live and no reason to contact me. I know that she's right, but I'm shaken anyway.

We talk for a while – just general stuff about what I'm doing, how I'm coping. It helps to talk with her and she says I can call her if I need to. After I close the phone I just sit there for a while, trying and failing not to think about James and the bad times. I do the exercises again to slow my rapid breathing, on the verge of panic and feeling sick. Fuck James, just fuck him. Will it always be like this? Right back into it all again whenever something reminds me? I want to cut the James months out of my memory; to have that part of my life obliviated. But there's no modern magic that can do that – I know, I asked Gillian.

I open my phone and call Edward. He's in bed, reading, and he sounds different, easier somehow. He tells me that he talked with Esme this morning, about him and me, and even about his Dad. And with Alice and Emmett too. Of course they said the same things that Jake and I did, but he seems to be taking it in a bit more, he seems calmer, even happier.

"You know what you said, about therapy? Esme's going to help me arrange it. It helped, to talk with them all, but I think it's still only a start. Kind of hard to change twelve years of being fucked-up overnight."

"Yeah? That's great, Edward, I'm sure it'll help. Actually…" But I'm not sure whether to mention it, in case it upsets him. It seems unfair to risk bringing him down when he's feeling a little better.

"What?"

"It's just, I was talking to Gillian, my old therapist, just now. There was a message here to call her back. Turns out that guy James, you know…"

"The asshole. Yeah? What about him?"

"Well, Gillian said not to worry, but he's out. On the run. He escaped somehow, I don't have any details. But it's nothing, really, he's got no reason to try to find me."

Edward curses softly at the other end of the phone. "That bastard, he'd better not come anywhere near you, I'll fucking kill him."

"Don't, Edward, don't get all worked up. It's nothing, really, there's no way he knows where I live. I don't want it to spoil how you feel, I'm so happy you talked to your family."

I fill him in on my day, glossing over Billy's weird breathing and how sick he looked. I don't want to bring him down any more. We talk about Jake, how he's coping. Edward says that Esme ungrounded him; he'll come and collect me in the morning for school. Jake has the bike of course, but Charlie won't let him give me rides, he's made that crystal clear.

Edward catches me yawning and it sets him off too.

"Time for bed, Bella love. Wish I could hold you and kiss you, but I'll see you tomorrow. Until then."

We make ridiculous kissy noises and sever the connection. I'm smirking like an idiot, looking forward to seeing him in the morning, to feeling his arms around me again.

Perhaps it's not surprising, even so, that I can't sleep. I lie there, restless, as the buzz from talking to Edward fades and all my worries about Jake and Billy return. As do the memories of James, no matter how I try to deflect them. They lurk at the edges of my mind, stalking me like he did at the end, leaping out to ambush me as I toss and turn.

I give up after an hour and get myself a drink of water from the bathroom. Charlie's asleep; I can hear soft snores. Jake's door is open a little; it's dark but I can see him in moonlight filtering in through the curtains. He's lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling. He turns his head when I nudge open the door and enter the room, but he doesn't say anything.

I shut the door and cross to the bed. "I couldn't sleep either."

He folds back the covers and I slip inside and curl up in his warmth. We hold each other close and I stroke his long hair, soothing him until his breathing slows into the rhythms of sleep. Even wounded, even sleeping, he makes me feel safe, and I follow him into the dark.

* * *

The week passes. Billy stays the same: pale and silent, breathing, then not, then breathing again. Carlisle talks to Jake some more, with Charlie there as well. They don't think that Billy will wake up; the brain damage from the stroke's too serious. He probably won't keep breathing too much longer. There's nothing to be done except give him fluids through the IV - he's not feeling any pain. Not feeling anything at all. Jake doesn't want him put on a ventilator or fed through the IV, and Charlie agrees. The Clearwaters are back and we see them at the hospital quite often. Harry looks almost as washed out as Billy, and Sue's clearly worried that the stress is affecting his health too. They all agree: Billy wouldn't have wanted to linger on in a coma on a ventilator. He was always full of life – even in the wheelchair. He wouldn't want a half-life, brain-dead.

It's so hard on Jake. Edward and I try to help him but there's not much we can do. Edward gives me rides, and we hang out with Jake after school. We're quiet, doing homework together or watching TV. Maybe it helps, just to be with us. I hope so. Each night I creep into his room and we sleep together, waking in the morning before Charlie gets up. It's only for comfort, neither of us wants more right now.

Well, mostly not, but I often wake in the morning with Jake curled around my back, his erection pressed up against the crack of my ass. He doesn't make any moves though, just smiles and shrugs and kisses my neck. Maybe he deals with it in the shower.

Then it's Saturday again, and Edward's planning to come over after detention. Charlie's at work, on shift until nine tonight, and Jake's at the hospital seeing Billy. I didn't like letting him go alone, but Charlie's adamant: no pillion riding.

I spend the morning cleaning up and doing laundry. I also hit the kitchen and bake batches of muffins – half cheese, half apple-cinnamon - and get a casserole cooking for dinner later on.

By the time Edward turns up the house smells pretty good but his appetite's mostly for me. He presses me up against the wall in the front hall, nuzzling my neck and running his tongue around my lips, whispering that I smell of sugar and spice as he opens my mouth.

Jake arrives just as the coffee's being poured and I'm easing hot muffins out onto a rack. We look at him questioningly but he shakes his head, sighing. "No change."

The muffins cheer him up a little, but Edward stops him taking one, pulling out his tin of weed and holding it up, eyebrows raised.

"Shall we? It'll make them taste incredible." He turns quickly and kisses me. "Sorry, Bella, even more incredible, I mean."

"Yeah, OK". Jake slumps into a chair at the table. "I wouldn't mind getting a bit wasted and just forgetting it all, for one afternoon. There's nothing else I can do."

Edward squeezes his shoulder sympathetically. "I figured. It's what I'd do." He grins at me." Got to enjoy being dysfunctional a bit longer, Bella, before therapy straightens me out."

I snort, and raise my hands in an 'I give up' gesture. "Yeah, right. Like that's going to happen."

I chase them out to the back garden with the joint; all we need is Charlie getting home later on and snuffling around the kitchen with his cop's nose. But of course they persuade me so I have a few puffs as well, sitting on the back steps, the green, shadowed forest looming over us. Then back inside before the trees turn into Triffids.

We pig out in the kitchen, the boys cramming their mouths as though we were in some stupid muffin-eating competition. Jake even makes a lame, dirty joke about it, forcing me to punch him on the arm. Maybe the dope is helping him to shelve the sadness for a while.

It makes us hungry for more than food of course, but the logistics are tricky. My bed and Jake's are both narrow singles, and I'm not using Charlie's. I mean, major squick. In the end we get several big pillows, and armfuls of rugs, and throw it all down in a heap on the living room floor, in front of the TV.

Jake tells Edward that he should have brought a porn video for us all to watch. "Weren't you a boy scout, Eds? 'Be Prepared' and all that? Tsk tsk."

"Yeah, well, they didn't have a "threesomes" badge that I recall. Or even separate merit badges for the different combinations. You know: Jake into Edward, Edward into Jake, Jake into Bella, Edward into Bella, mmmph-"

His words are lost in a kiss as Jake pushes him down on the pillows and covers him, holding his head in both hands as he tastes Edward's mouth, dipping his tongue in then latching on hungrily with a moan. I watch them writhe together until breathlessness forces them apart, then we all undress each other, languid from the weed as hands slide across shoulders and run down chests and stomachs, unhooking, unbuttoning, the rasp of a zipper and the rustle of my blouse as it falls to one side.

We never talk about the merit badge options when we're all three together, never discuss what we're going to do, or take a vote on it. It's not a democracy, it just sort of evolves. Today we're driven by what's happening for Jake. He's hurting and inclined to be passive, and Edward and I want to care for him.

The boys are back kissing, with Edward on top now. I nudge them apart like scissors, hinged at the mouth, and I take Jake's cock in my hands and slip down between his legs. He wraps them around me, gripping me between his warm thighs, his heels in the small of my back. It feels good to be held as I slide one arm around his waist and hold his hard shaft in my other hand, mouthing the slippery head, sticky and salty under my tongue. Then I open my throat and swallow him down as he arches back, thrusting his hips up and groaning into Edward's mouth. Edward moves his attentions to Jake's throat, then his nipples, one hand between his own legs, stroking himself as he licks and sucks, curled around to watch me burying my face in Jake's groin as his thick, glistening cock slides in and out of my mouth.

By the time Jake's legs clench around me convulsively as he comes hard, flooding my throat with salty bitterness, I'm so fucking excited. My cunt feels like it's glowing, and I'm doing involuntary kegels, my hips moving.

Edward's in a similar state, and he pulls me on top of him where he's lying beside Jake, who's still in a post-orgasmic stupor, chest heaving. I snatch up a condom and roll it onto him, fumbling a little in my impatience. I'm so wet, we won't need any lube. Then I kneel above Edward's hips and guide his cock into me, rocking on him gently as I take him in to the hilt and feel him fill me up. His eyes have fallen closed and his face is transformed with pleasure, his cheeks flushed, hair wild, his lips still slightly swollen from kissing Jake. So fucking beautiful. So hot.

I'm riding him desperately now, every thrust sending waves of ecstasy down my legs and up my spine, making me greedy and mindless as I gasp and whimper. Edward reaches up with both hands and grips my waist, teeth clenched as the pleasure mounts unbearably, ramming me onto him harder and faster as we thrash our way to a shuddering release.

"Fuck!" he sobs, helpless as the spasms writhe through him, "Oh fuck yes, oh yes yes oh fuuuuck…"

I'm beyond speech, beyond thought, moaning continuously as my cunt pulses around him and I melt into a boneless heap, my head on his chest.

Jake watches us dreamily, playing idly with one of his nipples, his cock still quiescent.

At some stage we get some more muffins and share another joint, having hastily donned a few clothes. And there's snuggling, and touching, and Edward's mouth between my legs, tongue deep inside me while Jake's tongue explores my mouth.

Edward whispers fantasies in our ears. He wants to fuck my ass while I'm riding Jake. Not today, but soon; he wants to prepare me. He gets me to kneel up on top of Jake and kiss him. I feel excited and exposed, my ass in the air as he runs a lubed finger gently around the sensitive pucker, then slides it inside. I groan, my head falling to Jake's shoulder as the strange sensation makes my hips move. Jake reaches up and strokes my clit, then slides a finger inside me. It brushes against Edward's through my flesh, making me whimper. Edward pushes a second finger inside my ass and stretches me, moving them gently until I'm lost, grunting and thrusting and biting Jake's shoulder as I come. Jake moans, and I look down and see that Edward's other hand is on his cock, slick with lube, squeezing Jake's dark red, swollen glans through the grip of his thumb and fingers. Jake mutters something incoherent and shivers all over, spilling into Edward's hand.

Hours later we pull ourselves out of our warm cocoon, smelling of sweat and salt and come, drowsy and replete. We put it all back to rights and see Edward to the door where he kisses us both and wanders, yawning, off to the Volvo, waving as he drives away. Jake and I shower then have dinner.

By the time Charlie arrives we're arrayed in front of a sitcom like the poster kids for teenage normality. He smiles at us benignly and tells us off for lazing about inside all day. We should get out more and get some exercise he says, through a mouthful of casserole and potatoes. We spin him some line about the weather, feeling every muscle and exchanging secret smiles. We have an early night.

* * *

 

At two a.m., the hospital call; Billy's worse. Charlie drives us over there, the cruiser's lights flashing, siren off. Jake and I sit in the back, holding hands, wrenched wide awake by the cold night air, and by dread.

Billy stops breathing for the last time just before three, in the dead of night, Jake sitting beside him and holding his hand, his face wet with tears.

 


	25. Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

 

_Bella_

"I'll come out and see you Jake, I promise, we both will."

I don't want to let go of him but I have to. The Clearwaters are taking him back to La Push to live with them now that Billy's dead. Jake doesn't seem to care one way or another, he's all turned inwards on himself, quiet and grieving.

I hadn't realized that Jake staying with Charlie and me had caused problems: some of the elders were unhappy he was off the rez. Charlie said they only gave way because we were closer to the hospital for visiting, while Billy was alive. I guess they've got a point though – he needs to be nearer to his school, and the tribe will look after him and organize the funeral. I think Jake needs his own people right now, with his mother and father both gone.

I can't imagine what that must be like. Charlie and I don't talk much, but I know that he loves me. He may not know everything about me – I've made damn sure of that – but he's still my Dad. And I haven't lost Renee, it's just messed-up with her, especially with Phil the fucktard interfering. Renee's never really felt like a Mom – more like a wayward sister that I had to bail out of trouble all the time. But at least she's still there, and maybe one day, Phil won't be.

The days pass and Edward and I spend a lot of time together. We both miss Jake, although we do head on out after school and hang with him at the Clearwaters most days. But he's so sad and I don't know what to say to him; I want to make it better but I can't. No-one can. All we can do is be with him, but it doesn't really feel like it's enough.

I still don't have the damn truck back of course so Edward gives me rides. Not that we go anywhere but school, or La Push, or the Cullen place. Jake gave me Red's number before he went back to La Push, and the truck's fixed and ready, parked out back of Central Cycles. Charlie bought the story about Jake having it at La Push for repairs, and in the wake of Billy's death, no-one's bothering about my old truck.

The funeral's on Friday, at La Push, in the old Quileute gym which is crowded with so many people I don't know – distant cousins, great-aunts, Jake's friends and so many of Billy's. Everybody knew Billy; everybody liked him. They speak about Billy at the ceremony – about his courage and his humor. The speakers make us laugh and cry. Charlie says a few words too, and Jake tries, but he's too choked up to finish. Afterwards there's a reception at the La Push Community Center, and Billy is buried at the Quileute Cemetery.

Edward's been reading about Quileute customs. He tells me that in the old days they used to send their dead out in canoes, to be taken back into the ocean. The chiefs were buried on James Island near La Push though, to watch over the tribe. The island rises from the sea just across from First Beach and I stare at it as Charlie drives Edward and me away from the Community Center in the cruiser. Billy was an elder; maybe he can hang out with the old chiefs and swap fishing stories.

A beaten-up black, old-model Ford pulls out and follows after us on the road home. A lot of the vehicles at the funeral have seen better days; Jake used to call them NDN cars. I think about Jake as we drive home; I hope he'll be OK. I talked with him briefly and gave him a hug, but he said not to stay, that he had to hang out with the cousins and elders. He looked like he wouldn't mind a little more alone time, or quiet time anyway, and I think I'll come out by myself soon, to see him.

Edward's in the front seat with Charlie, arguing cheerfully about baseball. I smile: Edward's _so_ not a jock – he must have researched the teams so as to hold his own. It seems to be working, Charlie's playing nice and reining in the sarcasm. I hope that he's accepted Edward as my boyfriend now; it's taken a while, especially with Jake around as well. Charlie always preferred Jake.

Edward has his final Saturday detention and we spend time at his place or mine for the rest of the weekend, with a side-trip to La Push. There's no sleep-over at the Cullens; it wouldn't seem right, not now. We don't sleep together at all, or have sex. Billy's loss reminds us how fragile life is, and it draws us together, but more for comfort, at first. It's like we're doing what I once suggested, like we're dating, still back at first base. We lie on his couch or the sofa in our living room, wrapped up in each other, our mouths locked in long gentle kisses or just holding each other, my head under Edward's chin as we listen to soulful arias from La Bohème or Traviata. The kisses get steamy at times, but I pull back: I'm not ready yet, still too sad. I sense that Edward wants more, but he's patient with me.

Jake has been folded back into the tribe. It's not that he doesn't want to see us, but he doesn't really seem to want anything much. We sit on the Clearwaters' porch while Edward and I tell him about school, or we all watch TV with Leah and Seth. Sometimes Jake and Edward play a video game, but it's clear that Jake's heart isn't in it. He goes back to school after the funeral because what else is there to do? Life goes on.

At the end of the week I get Charlie to take me to La Push while he visits with Harry and Sue. It's a fine evening with the sun setting golden, casting long slanting shadows from our legs as we walk along the beach. I pull Jake down beside me on the big driftwood log, and put my arm around him, leaning into his warmth. He pulls me in close.

"Miss you, Jake."

"Yeah? I'm still here." His voice is sad.

"Yeah I know, but…"

"Yeah, but…" He sighs. "I miss you too, but I need to stick around here, for now. Anyway, you and Edward seem to be getting on OK." There's no edge to his voice, he just sounds resigned. "It's simpler for you this way, less messy."

"We still care about you, Jake." Tears prick my eyes. I don't want us to be over, I don't want to lose Jake, but I can feel him pulling away.

"I know. I can't handle the complications just now though, Bells. It's all I can manage just getting through the days."

I hug him more tightly. "I wish I could help more."

"It does help to see you. This helps. I just feel so… mixed up. I… sometimes I'm so angry with him, Bells."

"With Billy?"

"Yeah. He didn't look after himself properly – with his insulin and the diet and all that. I used to worry about him a lot, and keep on at him. He just laughed me off though. So I miss him, but I'm angry – and then I feel guilty and…ah fuck…"

He pushes back his hair back and rubs his face. I massage the back of his neck and he leans into it, rolling his shoulders and sighing.

"I think it's pretty common, Jake – feeling angry like that, after someone dies."

"Yeah, I know, it's OK. Just a bit of a rollercoaster at the moment. And it's tiring – I don't have the energy for much else."

So we sit side by side, arms around each other, breathing together, until the sun slips into the sea and the shadows get chilly.

___________________________________

_Edward_

I'm up in my room at the piano, picking out a song. It's new, kind of sad and with chords that build and build, then ebb away mournfully. Edgier than I usually write – not that I've felt like composing anything for ages. I was far too fucked in the head at first when it was all new and strange with Bella and Jake, too caught up in the whirlwind of feelings.

Everything's changing now though – it's all shifting and moving and settling around me into some new pattern. Better in some ways, worse in others, and just a little scary to feel so much less in control than I've let myself be for, god, years. I need to get the feelings out, get them onto the page in skeins of scribbled notes, get them out of my head so I can handle it all. And there's time to write, now we're all caught up in the echoes of Jake's grief. It slows us down, makes us pause and think, and listen, and take stock. And in my case, to get it down as music.

There are plenty of distractions however. Emmett and I are talking more, tentatively; he's educationg me about football and baseball. We hang out with Alice and Jasper as well. And Bella and I are closer. There's been a shitload of holding and kissing, of hugs and cuddling and it's nice, don't get me wrong, I fucking love it, but Jesus I need to fuck her. I don't want to trash the mood though, don't want to seem crass and horny when Jake's hurting and she's sad for him. I am too, but she feels it more; they were closer and she knew Billy well. So I hold her and kiss her, hard and aching inside my jeans and trying not to jam my impolite erection into her thigh or her ass _(oh fuck, her ass, her sweet ass)_ or to rip her blouse off and suck on her breasts until she…_fuck, oh sweet fuck. _

I press the heel of my hand on my cock which is VERY FUCKING EXCITED now, dammit. I'm whimpering a little as I stagger to the bed, opening my jeans on the way and pulling off my t-shirt as I crawl across the mattress to the night stand for some lube. Then I throw myself down on my back and push my jeans down roughly, taking myself in my slick hand and _Jesus that's good_, that's _so_ good. I'm arching back now as I thrust into the ring of my thumb and curled fingers, fucking into my own grip as though it was her mouth, _oh fuck yes_, oh, as though it was her cunt, her hot, lovely cunt, _yes, yes, yes_.

I think of the last time, in her house, there with Jake. About sliding my greased fingers right up her ass. I think about that a hell of a lot these days and it makes me so hard. Fuck she was tight. I call up the memory of Bella's round ass in front of me, pressing back on me, the clenched ring of muscle slowly loosening as I stretched her, until she was fucking my fingers. And the sounds she made - soft helpless grunts, oh Jesus. I remember feeling Jake's long fingers sliding inside her, brushing up against mine and I want it to be my cock and his cock inside her, moving with each other and fuck that's so hot and my hand's pumping fast as it all bursts up out of me, splattering hot and white and brilliant across my bare belly and chest as my hips arch and buck.

_Oh god, oh god, Bella. I need to be inside you. _

Shit. I clean myself up, feeling depraved. So much for the BB supporting his grief-stricken friends or the tortured artist pouring his soul into music. Pounding my dick into Bella is more like it. This can't go on – too much more sweet goddam kissing and stroking and I'll be taking her behind the gym, whether she wants it or not. Banging her up against the wall, rough as guts. My cock twitches at the mere thought, the dirty fucker.

I zip myself up and find a clean t-shirt, then try to settle back at the piano again, but my mind keeps wandering to Bella. Alright, this weekend. We need to get her truck from Seattle anyway. We'll take the whole day, get permission for a shopping trip. I'll book the motel, change the scene, get us right away from Forks and La Push. Yeah, that'll work – it'd better fucking work, before I jerk myself raw. Sensitive soul that I am.

So I go to work on Esme and Bella persuades Charlie, and we're on for the trip to Seattle. There's a fucking close shave when a group outing with Alice and Jasper is proposed, once Alice gets wind of the shopping part of the plan.

I'm cursing inside as I see my motel dreams fade, submerged in Mall time and coffee shops and endless department store bags. Fuck no, I'm not having that. Some desperate eye rolling and face pulling at Jasper across Alice's head gets the message across. Jasper heads Alice off at the pass with a last-ditch offer to let her give him a make-over instead. She takes the bait and begins planning excitedly: the face-pack, the manicure and pedicure, the massage, the highlights and hair-trim. He eyes me, long-suffering, mouthing: _you owe me big-time_. And I do: he's taking one for the team and I'm deeply appreciative.

Saturday's fine and we take the route through Bainbridge Island and the ferry. It's good to be moving and I think we both feel a little lighter as the miles race past. We're cheerful, arguing about tracks on the radio and playing silly I-spy games. She gets me with something beginning with "h". They're everywhere around us, large and small, apparently. I try all the obvious options like houses or horses or hands, but I'm stumped.

"Holes!" Bella's triumphant.

"Holes? That's…that's got to be cheating, surely?"

"Is not – and they're everywhere, just like I said!"

I concede defeat gracefully, trying not to think about certain specific holes for which I have plans. Down boy, later.

We make pretty good time and I take her to some bookstores then to lunch. She chooses Italian over Mexican, which is just as well: I'd rather we didn't have chili in our mouths. And over the gelato I take her hand, stroking it, and tell her I booked the motel.

"You booked it for us? But we can't stay overnight."

"No I know, it's OK, they don't care."

"Oh god, they're going to know exactly what we want it for." Her cheeks flush and she bites her lip.

"Maybe, but I'll handle the guy in the office – you can stay in the car. Please, Bella, I need this, need time with you…" Need to be inside you.

She nods, still blushing. Her voice is soft. "Yeah, so do I, Edward." And she looks up at me from under her lashes and it's all I can do not to snatch her up and run for the car.

But no, she insists we hit Target first. There isn't one in Forks, or even Port Angeles, and she's adamant that we can't come back from a shopping trip with just a few books. Alice would kill her.

"Alice'll kill you for shopping at Target at all!" I protest, frustrated, as I push a cart along behind her, collecting her purchases. Jesus, fucking _Target_.

On the way to the motel, Bella calls Red and arranges to collect the truck later, about five. Then finally, fucking finally, we're there.

And awkward, suddenly, as we dump our coats on the sole chair. I draw the cheap curtain across, leaving us in a dim half-light, and turn to see her standing there, looking a little lost.

"Bella, love." I pull her gently into my arms, just a hug, my cheek on her hair. "Can I get you a drink?"

"But we have to drive."

"Yeah, but that's quite a bit later, it'll wear off by then."

I make her a vodka and coke, and have myself a whisky. "Let's get into bed – I have to touch you."

My clothes are soon discarded and I see Bella's down to her underwear. I come up behind her and unhook the bra, letting it slip away as I reach around, cupping her lovely breasts as she leans back against me. My cock's getting hard, pressed close against her ass. I roll her nipples in my fingers and she makes a small noise in her throat and arches forwards into my hands. My right hand slides down, across the soft swell of her belly and I slip my fingers in, just under the elastic of her panties, caressing the soft hair on her mound and sliding one finger a little way into her slit. Pushing my hard cock into her softness, I pull her back onto me with my hands on her sex and her breast. I drop my head into the dip of her shoulder and kiss her neck, nibbling and sucking as our hips thrust together gently. Oh yes.

"Come to bed." Drawing her in beside me, panties off and her warm body fitting against mine so perfectly. "Bella, oh Bella…" I whisper, hoarse, as I take her lower lip between mine and kiss it, then press her back, exploring her mouth. She tastes so good and I want to devour her, to put my mouth all over her. Lips, throat, I work my way down. Her breasts derail me for some time with their softness, the nipples hard and swollen as I graze them with my teeth and she whimpers. Then on down her stomach, my tongue dipping into her navel as she shudders, and I'm parting her legs, pressing kisses to the velvety skin inside her thighs. Tasting her, smelling her, rich and musky as I open her, lifting her hips to flick my tongue close to her hole, teasing, then forwards, licking and sucking on her clit as she writhes. I slide down on my front, my rigid cock exquisitely sensitive, rubbing on the cheap weave of the sheets. And I push my face into her, tongueing and sucking and licking until Bella's cries run together and her hips buck, quivering under my hands.

She pulls me up and clings, melting in my arms as I hold her, my hips writhing as I frot helplessly against her. Fuck I'm close to coming. Then she's sliding down my body in her turn, and the touch of her hand on my cock almost earns her a face shot as I arch up, crying out and fisting the covers. She holds my shaft and takes me in her mouth and I don't last long. A few good sucks and her tongue snaking up around the head and I'm a fucking fire hydrant. Her hand kneads my balls and I sob her name, shuddering and pumping into her throat as she swallows, holding me steady and sucking gently until I'm done, then kissing my softening cock before slithering back up into my arms.

We hold each other, whispering nonsense - kissing and stroking, boneless at first, then affectionate and playful. And finally, aroused again.

"I want…" Bella whispers into my neck, shivering as I suck on that spot underneath her ear.

"What, tell me…" Pressing her breasts together so as to bury my face between them, sighing with pleasure.

"Want you to… fuck me…"

I groan around her nipple, my mouth wet. "Yes, oh fuck yes-"

"No, my ass, Edward, like you did with your fingers, but properly. Can we?"

_Can we?_ My brain implodes. I stare at her, mouth open. "Bella, are you sure? You really want to?"

"Yes. I keep thinking about it."

"Yeah…" My voice is almost a growl. "Fuck, so do I…"

I scrabble for my jacket and fumble out the condoms and lube. My hands are shaking so Bella rolls one on me while I thrust into her hands, my cock twitching.

"Hold still now-"

"I can't…" God, I'm whining. I have to get a grip, have to get in control and look after her. I take a deep breath and count to ten.

"How…? Do you want me to roll over."

"No, please. I want to see your face, to watch you come."

She gasps at that and sucks on her lip. "How then…?"

"Here." And I sit back on my knees and ease her hips up onto my thighs. "Put your legs over my shoulders, love."

Staring down I open her gently, and stroke her clit. She's moaning with her eyes locked on me, rubbing herself against my hand like a cat. I take the lube and squeeze some out, slicking my fingers then sliding one around her hole, circling it, then in a little, then a little more, then all the way in as she moans. I press a second finger gently in, spreading them as the muscle loosens, working my fingers up inside her as she arches, moving on my hand.

The lube's a little cold on my cock, even through the rubber. I stroke myself, pushing into my hand involuntarily, then I lean forwards and press slowly in through the tightness, watching her face contort briefly. I stop and hold still.

"Sorry, love, it hurts a little at first. Is it bearable? Try to relax, just relax around me…"

"Yes, it's OK. You can move, just go slow… oh, Edward, ohhh god…"

"Oh fuck, yeah…you're so tight, so hot…so _good_…" And I can't be still, I have to press into her, sheathing myself in that hot slick tightness, thrusting slowly.

And her face, which was pulled into a mask of pain, slides into something else. Her mouth is open and her head's flung back, her hands clawing the sheets as she arches up, pushing herself onto my cock. I grip her left thigh and slide my other hand between her legs again, stroking her clit as she writhes on me, grunting. I have to move faster so I fuck her harder, bending forwards across her and watching her face as she comes, her eyes rolled back and her mouth slack with pleasure. Then I wrap my arms around her thighs and thrust deep, losing myself in bliss as I groan and shudder.

I wait until my cock softens before I pull out, then I clean us up with the bedside tissues and draw her in against me.

"Thank you, baby, thank you. Fuck, that was good."

She stretches against me, stroking the side of my face. "I love to see you come, Edward. Your face…it's so hot."

"Me too, Bella." I bend and kiss her softly. "I love to watch you too."

And later, when it's possible to move again, we shower and dress, and collect the truck from Red.

We drive west in miniature convoy as the sun sets ahead. I got us a couple of cheap hands-free sets at Target so we leave our phones on and play quote games driving home.

"_America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up."_

"Um… sounds like Oscar Wilde?"

"Yeah. OK, your turn Bella."

"Try this. _'Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.'_"

"Damn, I'm not sure – Oscar again?"

"Nope, Dorothy Parker. Bella one, Edward zero."

She wins hands down of course, well before we reach Port Angeles. Smart as a whip, and lets me fuck her up the ass. My luck's definitely improving.

At the turn-off on the highway in Forks where our ways part we pull over, and I help her clamber down. It's cold so I wrap her up in my arms and kiss her thoroughly, up against the truck.

"That was the best damn shopping trip of my entire life. I love you."

"Love you too, ass-bandit." I boost her up again and she grins and rattles off into the night.

I wait for a battered black Ford to zoom on past, then get back in the Volvo and head home for dinner, singing cheerfully along to Daughtry's "Crashed". He may act like a prick, but man, can he sing.

"_And then I crashed into you,__  
And then I crashed into you,  
And then I crashed into you…  
You will consume me,  
But I can't walk away."_

No, I can't walk away, and I sure as hell don't want to. Not ever.

 


	26. Gravity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: violence and character death (not any of our kids though, of course)  
> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out Playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

 

_Jake_

"Wha…?" Edward's startled, caught half-undressed, getting himself ready for bed. Well, it _is_ pretty late, almost midnight. "Shit – Jake! Man, you freaked me out with the fucking cat-burglar act."

He runs his hand through his hair, sucking in a slightly shaky breath as I pull the French doors shut and close the curtains. He's got one of his playlists running on the laptop, Salt N Pepa's _Push It_ grinding away suggestively behind me. Good, we may need some cover if it goes as I'm hoping.

"I swear I'm going to get a lock that works put on that fucking door." He sits heavily on the bed, wearing only a t-shirt, his boxers and jeans in a heap on the floor beside him.

"Don't do that. I like being able to… drop by."

I move over to him, still in my leathers and heavy boots. I've been restless all day, needing something, sick of feeling sad, sick of feeling dead inside.

"I thought with you and Bella seeing so much of each other, you might not want to…you know…with me as well." I take a deep breath: this is hard. "But… I miss you both. I'm in a weird space Eds, and I need… I dunno… something. Need to feel alive again. It's over three weeks since Billy's funeral and I just feel sorta… numb." I bite my lip, hating to beg, but I need him. "I… please?"

He stares up at me, wide-eyed, then he slides off the bed onto his knees before me. He pulls off the t-shirt and drops it with the rest of his clothes, looking up at me butt naked, his hair tousled and his mouth open. His tongue snakes out and slides wet around his lips, and I feel my cock pulse.

"God, you're hot in that black leather," he whispers.

"Edward…" My voice is deep and husky and there's a definite bulge inside my pants now. I unzip the jacket to let him see that my chest's bare underneath.

His eyes darken and he sucks in a shaky breath.

I don't know where the urge comes from, maybe it's his nakedness and me in the leathers and boots. My voice is almost a growl as I lift his chin with one finger. "Suck me."

His cock twitches at my words, stiffening, and he makes a soft whimpering noise. He reaches up and undoes my pants, sliding the zipper down until my cock springs free. He moans and his tongue flicks out again, licking the head delicately, teasing me.

I swivel my hips a little, batting him softly across the face with my cock, rubbing the blunt, silky head against his cheek as he turns his head swiftly and captures me again, sucking me in a little and sliding his hands up the back of my thighs to steady himself and draw me towards him.

Too late I remember that this is how that Laurent prick abused him at the club, from what Bella told me. But he seems alright, lost in the moment with me, his own hips pumping gently and his cock standing out hard in front of him, leaking a little, as he moans around my shaft. He presses his tongue to the underside and pulls back to tease my cockhead again before leaning in, gripping my legs as he sucks me deeply into his hot, slick throat, his nose almost in my groin.

I can't think any more. My hands are twined in his soft, messy hair as I gently fuck his mouth, groaning with pleasure. He sinks back on his heels, clutching my thighs and angling his throat so as to take as much of me in as he can, his eyes glazed, drooling a little around my engorged cock.

_Fuck, Edward, fuck, that's so hot._ I'm moaning, staring down as my shaft, dark red and glistening from his mouth, slides in and out of his swollen lips. It's even hotter with me dressed all in leather and him pale and naked, kneeling before me, servicing me like something out of a wet dream.

Fantasizing about him being a pleasure slave from some sword and sorcery soft-porn comic pushes me over the edge and my hips buck helplessly. I'm grunting, legs trembling as I sob his name and pump ecstatically into his throat. His grip on my thighs stops me from collapsing as he sucks me clean, his eyes watering a little.

I gasp, swaying with my hands in his hair as he clings to my legs, nuzzling the base of my cock, his mouth in the damp nest of curls there then licking up the trail on my belly, making my abs clench.

"_Fuck._ Sorry, Eds. It's been a while…"

He chuckles against my stomach, rimming my navel with his tongue. "You're very welcome, Jake."

He rises to his feet, slithering up me all naked and warm, pale against my black leather and bronze skin. He's so drop dead gorgeous with his dark, blown eyes and flushed cheeks, lips wet and swollen from sucking me off. I slide one hand into the thick hair behind his neck and grab his ass, pulling him hard against me as I open his mouth and kiss him, sliding my tongue into his throat and tasting my own come. My leg pushes between his thighs and he groans into my mouth, rubbing his hard cock against my leathers and sliding his hands down inside my pants to cup my ass cheeks, kneading me as we writhe together.

He rubs his chest against mine, pushing the jacket open as we slide together, sweat slick between us. He's moaning excitedly now, rutting in earnest, biting my neck and close to coming. I break away a little, kissing him softly and holding him back as he moans in frustration.

"Whoa there, come to bed now hot stuff, let me fuck you properly."

He helps pull my clothes off, impatient, stealing bites and kisses across my shoulders as he eases off the jacket. I kick off the pants and boots and crawl onto the bed and he tumbles down on top of me, impatient, pressing his hard cock into the crack of my ass and licking down my spine.

"Want you, Jake, want you…" he whines, his hips pumping as his hand reaches around and grips me.

I disentangle myself gently, holding him back as I find myself a condom and lube in the bedside drawer and flip onto my back. Edward kneels between my legs, panting, stroking himself as I roll the latex on. I'm hard as a fucking rock again. I really did need this, it's been too damn long.

I lube myself up then beckon to him. He looks slightly uncertain then moves to kneel over me as I bend my knees up behind his hips to support him. I reach between his legs and slide two fingers up his ass and he groans and quivers, his cock bouncing. I feel his muscles spasm around me but I keep sliding my fingers in and out, in and out and he sighs and loosens up, letting me fuck him, his eyes half-closed.

Then I take him by the waist and lift him a little and he gets the idea, reaching down to steady my cock and guiding it into his puckered hole, looser now and ready for me. He's still a little tight though and he cries out, grimacing as he eases down on me, his back curved over and his hands braced flat on my hard stomach, slowing me as I arch up and sheathe myself deeply in his hot, tight ass.

Then I'm balls-deep inside him and we stare at each other, mouths open, gasping. His thighs flex and he lifts up a little then slides back down, impaling himself with a shudder. He leans forward and braces himself on the bed beside me, riding me harder as my hips buck up into him and I pant, straining up to kiss his soft, slack mouth as my cock grazes his prostate with each thrust and his eyes roll back, fluttering. He's moving faster now, writhing up and down, and I grip his waist and thrust into him harder, ramming him onto my cock and grunting as I fuck him.

He arches back, calling out incoherently. Thank Christ we've got the music on, _I Was Made For Loving You _by Kiss thudding out of the laptop's speakers as we thrust and buck, frantic now as I pump his cock, spilling inside him as he comes all over my hand with a hoarse cry.

And pulling him down beside me, kissing his neck, cleaning us gently with tissues as he slumps back, sated and drowsy. He rouses enough to click a remote at the laptop and turn off the lamp as I ease us in under the covers and curve around his back, holding him close against me. So good to feel him here in my arms all warm and alive, and I feel more real than I have done for weeks as I sigh and kiss the nape of his neck.

"Edward," I say into his hair. "There's something I need to do. Something for Billy."

________________________________________________

_Bella_

"It's a Quileute thing," Edward explains as we rattle along the highway to La Push in my truck.

I'm driving, after a brief battle of wills at the Cullen place when I picked Edward up. It's my fucking truck, after all, and we can't fit a spade into the Volvo. It's a fine day for a change, Sunday, just after lunch, a few clouds scudding white across the sky.

"Well, they don't do it any more, but Jake says they used to, ages ago."

"But how did they get a canoe right up into a tree?" I'm dubious.

"I don't know, I guess they climbed up, and pulled it up, or something. They used to bury their dead in canoes with stuff, and sometimes they put them up in trees."

"Stuff?"

"Offerings – food, I guess, maybe weapons. The usual grave goods, you know." Edward gestures casually.

"But we can't get a whole canoe up–"

"I know. Jake says he's made a small one, just symbolic. He wants to put it into a tree out along the cliffs, in a place he says Billy liked to sit. I think he needs another chance to say goodbye – you know, quieter and more personal. The funeral was pretty overwhelming. He wants to plant a tree there too, that's why the spade."

I nod, feeling sad for Jake. It all happened so fast – Billy's stroke, then his death and the funeral. No wonder it's taking a while to process what's happened. It still feels unreal, even to me.

Edward told me how Jake turned up out of the blue on Wednesday and stayed most of the night. I don't mind; I'm worried about him and if it gave him some comfort that's good. I miss Jake, but I don't want to put any pressure on him.

The trees zip past us – not that we're going fast, no reason to push the old truck, which Edward would have done. Which is why I'm driving and he's humming beside me, arm around my shoulders and his restless fingers tapping out rhythms on the back of the seat while he nuzzles my ear and murmurs about needing to buy me a sound system.

"You don't need a soundtrack for every damn moment of your life, Edward, jeez."

He calms down as we approach La Push, thank goodness. This is supposed to be a solemn ceremony and I don't want Edward all manic and cheerful, spoiling the mood. I mean, just because it's a nice day and we parked down a forestry back-road before hitting the highway so he could pull me across his lap and get his end away. I shiver deliciously as he licks below my ear, remembering his mouth on my breasts and his hands gripping my hips as he thrust up inside me.

"Fuck, Edward, stop it - I'm trying to drive!"

He chuckles, unrepentant, but keeps his tongue to himself for the rest of the journey.

Jake's waiting outside the Clearwater place and he calls a goodbye to Sue in the doorway. I wave at her and he lopes out and slings a rucksack into the truckbed then gets in the passenger side, Edward sliding across to budge up against me and make room.

"Hi, Jake."

"Hey Bells, Eds. Thanks for this. Just keep going, out towards the coast."

He gets us to stop by his home on the way, to get the canoe. He made it in the workshop where Sophie's parked, a cover over her. Sue and Harry aren't all that keen on bikes either, like Charlie, so he hasn't ridden her as much lately.

The small canoe's nicely made, painted in what Jake says are traditional colors. It's about four feet long and eight inches across with a deep carved-out hollow inside and one end jutting up. He wedges it into a corner of the truckbed with his rucksack so it won't roll around, then heads around the back of the house, emerging with a tree as tall as he is - a Sitka Spruce I think, its roots wrapped up in burlap. Edward grabs the spade and a small bag of compost off Jake and it all goes in the back of the truck, then we're off again.

Jake takes us out to the coast, and a little way south along a smaller road until we see a hand painted sign saying "Scenic Lookout" and underneath it another plank with "Waterfall Trek" painted across it. We turn west along an unpaved road, the truck creaking and bouncing for a mile or so until we stop at a dead end. There are two tracks leading off into the trees, each with a wooden signpost – one pointing west to the lookout and the other north to the waterfall.

Edward and Jake load themselves up and refuse to let me carry anything. Edward gets a dig in about how much I love trekking and that staying upright is enough of a challenge for me, yeah, very fucking funny. But it's Jake's day so I just smile sweetly and ignore him, striding off down the path and hardly tripping over the tree roots at all. Well, not so as to cause any major injuries anyway.

It's not very far – just a quarter hour walk and we emerge into a small clearing with a great view of the coast. I go to the edge and peer down, leaning out until Edward's arm snakes around my waist and he whispers "Careful now, Bella, you know gravity's not your friend."

I make a face at him, but I let him draw me back from the edge. It's not so very high here, just twenty feet or so, but the rocks below are jagged, green waves smashing onto them with a spray of foam then sucking back into the ocean. It's beautiful here, with sun angling in from the southwest and filling the clearing. Jake comes to stand beside me and Edward, staring quietly out to sea.

"He used to come here and just sit, sometimes. He said it got him back in touch with the spirits of the land and the sea."

"I can see why." I reach up and take his hand and he squeezes mine softly. His face is still sad, but I can see it's helping him to be here.

After a while he turns away and hunkers down by the rucksack, pulling out several things and packing them into the canoe. I can see one is sections of one of Billy's fishing rods, a couple of his own carvings – a small wolf and a dolphin – and there are some newsprint-wrapped packages that could be food. He covers it all with an old plaid blanket and tucks it into the carved-out well of the canoe, binding it in place with twine.

Jake straightens and looks around the clearing at the trees. "I think that's the one," he says, pointing. It's a good-sized fir, a way back from the cliff-edge but with a good view out across the water. "He'd want to be able to see the fishing grounds."

"How are you going to get the canoe up into it?" Edward cranes his head back, staring up into the branches.

"Not sure. Guess I'll climb up first, then get you to hand it up, OK?"

Edward nods.

I sit in the grass, dreaming in the sun while they figure out the logistics. It takes a couple of attempts, and in the end Jake has to practically stand on Edward's shoulders to reach the lower branches and haul himself up. He tries to pull the small canoe up using a length of twine, but it isn't strong enough and it breaks.

Edward catches the canoe and stands there holding it with the frayed end of twine, frowning up at Jake. "We need some proper rope. You'll need something sturdier than that twine to lash it onto the branches anyway, once you get it up there. Hang on and I'll go get some from the truck."

"No, you stay here and dig the hole for the tree. I'll get the rope." I clamber to my feet, brushing twigs off the seat of my jeans, keen to be of some use even if I can't climb trees.

I trot off down the path, Edward's voice wafting after me. "Watch your feet, Bella, no little excursions to see Carlisle at the hospital today, please."

I spin round and flip him the bird muttering "Wiseass", then promptly fall over, my legs tangled in a tree root. Oops. I don't think he saw that. Fucking Triffids.

As I head for the back of the truck to ferret about for some rope, I see that there's another vehicle parked by the "Waterfall Trek" sign. Must be some tourists I guess, although the old black Ford looks vaguely familiar. I shrug – probably a local car I've seen around in Forks. I pull myself up into the truckbed and locate a long coil of towrope that Jake made me put in there before we took off to rescue Edward in Seattle. I lean against the cab of the truck, rope in my arms, remembering how frightened I was in that alley, and how furious with that creep Laurent. Edward seems to have come through it all without any lasting trauma though, and I'm briefly thankful.

I can't lounge about daydreaming for hours though, with Jake up a tree, so I jump down, barely stumbling at all, then gather up the rope again and set off down the now-familiar path. The trees close in around me, dark and slightly unsettling for some reason. Perhaps I should whistle a happy tune? But I'm crap at whistling.

I've gotten about half-way to the cliff when I hear steps behind me and a dry branch cracking underfoot.

"Bella."

His voice is rougher, as though he hasn't used it much, but I'd know it anywhere. Ice trickles down my spine and I freeze. I turn carefully, praying it's a flashback. I'd rather be hallucinating than see him here in front of me. No such fucking luck.

"James?" I hate my voice, it's gone high and girlish. Frightened. "J-James. But what–"

He's wearing dirty jeans and a black hoodie, heavy boots on his feet. His hands are hanging loose but he looks poised, ready to act. His hair's roughly cropped, the hood pushed back from his face which is gaunt, sunken cheeked, with dark rings under his wild eyes and scabbed sores on his cheeks. He looks bad, in every sense of the word. Smells bad, too.

"Didn't think I'd let you get away with it didya, bitch?"

"I don't understand–"

"Shut it, cunt. You know exactly what I mean. You turned me in to the cops didn't you? You've been against me from the start, plotting and scheming. Why, Bella? Was I not fucking good enough for you? Huh?"

He's right in front of me now, quivering with rage, a dirty white rim showing stark around his pupils even in the half-light of the forest. I look into those eyes and there's nothing rational there, nothing sane. Too much meth, and fuck knows what happened to him in jail. Bad things, for sure. Things that push you out into a place there's no coming back from.

"How did you find me…" I whisper. Not that it matters, I don't know why I asked. Maybe I'm just trying to delay the inevitable, to buy some time. But for what? I can't let him get anywhere near Jake and Edward. My heart misses a beat as I imagine them lying dead in the woods, broken and bloody, and all because of me. No. I have to keep him away from them.

"Easy enough to track you, bitch. Your old friend Amy was really fucking keen to call Renee for your address so as to write to you, once I…persuaded her a little." He grins, feral, and I shudder. God, I hope Amy's OK.

I try to step around him, back towards the truck. Get him away from Edward and Jake. He sidesteps quickly, blocking my way.

"Oh no you don't, bitch. You're not going anywhere. And what's with the rope?"

"Oh, I…I do some rock climbing."

He treats this as the nonsense it is. "Yeah, I can see you've got all the gear for it," sneering at my thin jeans and sneakers. "Still, might come in handy." His hand grips my upper arm bruisingly hard and he drags me off the path, pushing me up against a tree and grabbing the rope.

I seize my chance to try and duck around him and back towards my truck but I only manage a few steps before he's on me, cursing as he knocks me facedown in the dirt and leaves, his knee in my back as he pulls my hands together and binds them tightly behind my back with one end of the rope. He pulls a knife out of the pocket of his hoodie and cuts the rope, dragging me over to the tree and dumping me there. Oh fuck, a knife.

He runs the rope around the tree, binding me there with my hands behind me, pressed painfully against the rough bark. My heart's pounding and my mind's racing. How can I stop Edward and Jake from getting hurt too? Perhaps James will just focus on me and ignore them. I swallow painfully, my chest tight with fear.

"Now, let's sort out your boyfriend, shall we?" Suddenly he's right in front of me, his breath foul as he pushes his face in close, hissing. "You're a lying, scheming bitch, but you're mine. You don't get to go off with anyone else. Ever. Cunt." He slaps me across the face, making me whimper, my eyes tearing up.

"No, don't… not my boyfriend, just a friend…" I'm moaning and he snarls at me, his face twisted.

"Lying cunt. I'll deal with you after I've dealt with him."

Then I hear it, Edward's voice echoing down the track. "Bella? Belllaaaa! Did you fall over or something?"

His voice is getting closer and while James is whirling around to face him I scream a warning. "No! Get away! It's James and he's got a knife! Run, Edward, run!"

James curses and plunges into the undergrowth, ducking behind a tree. I hear running steps and Edward bursts around a curve in the track, eyes wild. He sees me and races over.

"_Bella! what?"_

"Edward, it's James, he's in the trees just there, he's got a knife, look out!" I'm wild with fear for him, my head swiveling to see where James is.

"What, this knife?" Edward holds it up.

Shit – James must have dropped it when he was startled. I feel a leap of hope as Edward saws at the rope, cutting me away from the tree then freeing my hands. He pulls me to my feet, holding me behind him protectively with the knife outstretched in his hand as he pulls me back onto the track and towards the cliff where Jake is.

Then I hear the click behind us.

"That's far enough." We turn, slowly. There's a gun in James' hand now. Something small and black, but his hands are steadier than they have any right to be and he's got that feral grin plastered across his face again.

"OK, dude – lose the knife – careful now, don't wanna shoot you until I've had my fun." The grin's gone now, and Edward lets the knife slip out of his hand. James gathers the rope in his free hand and gestures us up the track towards the cliff with the gun. "Let's head this way and see what you kids've been up to this fine afternoon. After you – and walk side by side."

My legs are rooted to the spot but Edward grabs my hand and pulls me along beside him. His face is a mask of concentration, shooting glances back at James from time to time. James bends and retrieves his knife as he passes the spot, but his gun stays trained on us.

He's repulsively cheerful now that he's got the upper hand. "Well, this is gonna be more fun than a barrel of monkeys, with you two to play with. Lots of possibilities there."

Edward's teeth are clenched and I squeeze his hand, trying to semaphore to him not to do anything stupid.

The clearing's deserted when we get there – no sign of Jake. I force myself not to look up into the tree, and Edward's also being careful. There's a hole dug for Jake's spruce, off to one side, the spade lying on the ground beside it.

"Aw, you kids bein' all green were ya? Reducing the carbon footprint of that ol' truck, huh."

James drops the rope and slips his knife back in his hoodie. He makes us stand in the middle of the clearing, facing the sea, then almost casually, he draws back his arm and smashes the gun across the back of Edward's head. Edward drops like a stone and lies still. I scream and go to kneel down, but James turns the gun on me and grabs me by the arm.

"Leave him, bitch. Time to have some fun with you, I think."

He marches me across to the nearest tree and pushes me against it, pressing the gun to my head as he shoves his hand up under my t-shirt and grabs my breast, making me cry out as he pinches the nipple hard. His mouth's on my throat, sucking and biting and for a moment the gun wavers, pointing upwards, not at my head.

It all happens at once. I push him away and Jake drops on top of him in a storm of broken branches, wrestling him to the ground and clutching him around the throat, smashing his head up and down. The gun goes off, the bullet flying off harmlessly into the trees, and Jake knocks it out of James' hand, cursing. It falls somewhere in the ferns under a large tree and I run over there, scrabbling to find it.

James has managed to wrestle himself out of Jake's grip and he's pulled out the knife now, circling Jake and brandishing it, teeth bared. Jake grabs the spade, sweeping it in front of him like a broadsword and keeping James back, driving him towards the cliff.

I find the damn gun, finally, and turn, but Edward has roused now. He's crawled over near the edge of the drop and is on his hands and knees, shaking his head blearily. I don't dare try to shoot James with Edward behind him and Jake dancing from side to side, and I've never fired a gun in my life. With my luck it'd probably just produce a bunch of paper flowers and a rude noise, anyway.

Jake feints with the spade, lunging forwards and James steps back automatically. His legs connect with Edward and his knees buckle, momentum carrying him backwards, arching across Edward with his arms flailing, over the edge of the cliff and he's gone. There's a high-pitched scream, then a sickening thud from below.

And then it's quiet, apart from a breeze in the trees and waves crashing rhythmically on the rocks. Jake and I stand there, frozen, and Edward looks up at us, still slightly dazed.

He speaks first. "Is he gone? I mean… is it over?" He shakes his head and sits back on his heels. "Ow". He feels the back of his head and examines his hand. There's no blood, thank Christ. I run across and kneel beside him, checking in his hair. There's a nasty lump but the skin's not broken.

Jake goes to the edge of the drop and peers carefully down. "Yeah, it's over."

I screw up my courage and crawl to the edge too. Edward's there beside me, his arm around my waist again, protecting me from gravity.

No-one can protect James from gravity though, it's done its worst. He's obviously dead – people's heads don't hang at that sort of angle to their necks when they're alive. He's wedged in a crevice between two big rocks, must have fallen head-first into it.

We sit in the clearing, shocked and hardly able to process what's happened, then Jake remembers he's got coffee in his rucksack so we get the thermos and have a cup. Jake made it black with no sugar but I drink it gratefully. Edward sits close, his arm around my shoulders, stroking me absently.

"We need to call Charlie. My phone's in the truck." It's all I can think to do.

"Mine's here." Jake fishes it out of his bag. "You sure you want to, Bells?" He frowns at me, concerned. "It'll mean talking a bit about what happened before. You know – Phoenix."

"Yeah, I know. And about how he died. But we can't leave him here and pretend it didn't happen. There's his car. What you and Edward did was just self-defence. It was an accident that he fell."

"Not entirely." Edward's rubbing his forehead, probably got a killer headache. "I was groggy but I knew what I was doing. I could see Jake was driving him towards the cliff so I got on all fours deliberately. I hoped he would step back into me. And he did. It's an old playground trick – I've done it with Jazz a few times."

Jake makes a face. "Yeah, I figured when I saw you kneeling like that. Good thinking, Eds." He puts his fist out, palm down, and they knock knuckles solemnly like they're in a posse or some damn thing. Jeez, such boys, they'll be high-fiving next.

I stare at them, bemused. "Um, are you two OK? I mean, he's dead!"

They look at me, curious, not quite grasping what I'm on about. "I mean, shouldn't you be all traumatized and shit? The pair of you made him fall off a fucking cliff!"

"Yeah, excellent result." Jake's words are casual but there's fire in his eyes. He leans in and takes my hand. "He needed to die, Bells, there wasn't any other way. At least he kind of did it himself, we didn't have to shoot him or stab him."

"Or kill him with the spade," adds Edward, helpfully. "That would have been really fucking messy." He eyes me calmly. "Come on – don't tell me you'd be happy to still have that asshole running about out there stalking you? He was off his head, he'd never have stopped."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." I run my hands through my hair. "God. You didn't hear him when he first caught me and tied me to that tree. You're right – he _was_ crazy. Too much meth."

Edward pulls me into his arms. "Shit, baby, I'm sorry. Jake and I were caught up with this little drama here and I forgot how bad it must have been for you when he jumped you back there. Did he…he didn't?" He peers anxiously into my face. Jake puts a hand on my shoulder, worried too.

"He didn't hurt me, just frightened me and tied me to the tree. I'm OK, Edward, Jake. Really, I'm alright." And I pull them both close, all three of us huddling there, clinging to each other, just breathing.

I call Charlie on Jake's phone. I have to go over the story a few times and calm him down but finally he switches out of Dad-mode and gets his Chief Swan mojo going, setting the usual wheels in motion.

It takes a while for the cruisers to reach us so we plant Jake's tree and tie the canoe up in the branches for Billy's memorial while we're waiting. I thought maybe the place would be spoiled now for Jake, but he says he's not going to let a jerk like James mess it up for him.

We leave James where he is of course, for Charlie and the Coroner.

The rest of the day's a whirl of people and action. Charlie crushes me to him, tears in his eyes as he thanks Jake and Edward in a gruff voice that quavers a little. Then tedious hours of people bustling to and fro with cameras and tapes, interviews back at the base, and Edward whisked off to hospital with Esme to have his head X-rayed. The Clearwaters take Jake away at some stage and I feel bereft that we've been parted.

At last I'm at home in bed, Charlie fussing with hot chocolate. Then finally, peace.

I think longingly of Edward's bed. All I want is to be nestled in there between my boys, warm and safe in their arms. My phone chirps on the table and I fumble for it – a text.

_Bells _–_ U Ok?_

_Jake _–_ yeah, fine. U?_

_Sure. Wish U were here._

_Me too. Night Jake. *Hugs*_

_*Hugs back* Night Bells._

I thumb text messages and enter Edward's number.

_Edward _ _–_ _ how's the head?_

A pause then the phone chirps.

_Fine _ _–_ _ back at home now. U?_

_Yeah, fine. Just got a text frm Jake _ _–_ _ he's OK 2._

_Good. Miss U. Love U._

_Yeah, love U2._

_Yeah? Which album?_

_Idiot. Love you too. *kiss*_

_*kisses back* Sleep now love. C U tomorrow._

I pull a pillow against my stomach and curl around it, holding it to me like his promise.

Tomorrow.

 


	27. Bitter-sweet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out Playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

 

_Edward_

It takes a while for the fuss to die down, and going back to school on Monday is difficult, with the usual clusters of kids staring and whispering, reminding me unpleasantly of that other living-in-a-goldfish-bowl time, after the party. So now we're psycho-killers, as well as perverts. Joy.

We pretty much close ranks with Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Jasper, and try to ignore the flurries of hysteria that ripple out around us as we walk the halls between classes. It's hard on Bella and she hides behind her hair a lot, her hand tense on my waist as I stride along with my arm tight around her shoulders, glaring at the whisperers and showing my teeth in a snarl if they get too close. None of the teachers give us a PDA warning. Probably afraid I'll do them in as well.

Charlie's got a good relationship with the local press though, so a couple of sympathetic articles help improve the general buzz, making it clear that Jake and I acted in self-defence and that James was an escaped-con stalker with some particularly creepy toys in the attic. No details about Bella's history with him are dredged up, local journalism skills having atrophied after years reporting bake sales and county fairs.

We meet up with Jake again mid-week, at the Breakwater. This time the surly counter-guy nods in an almost civilized manner and pushes a bowl of free roasted peanuts across to me. I still don't quite have the nerve to ask for skinny milk in Bella's latte.

When I slip into my chair at our table, Bella's holding Jake's hand and peering at him anxiously.

"Have you been alright, Jake?"

He looks mildly puzzled. "Yeah, just the usual." He glances across at the sports TV screen and swallows, meaning Billy, then looks down at their hands. "You know."

"I know." Bella squeezes his hand. "I mean, no after-effects from…from the fight?"

"After-effects? Not so much. Couple of local reporters came around, but Harry ran them off. They can't hassle me so much out on the rez. You two been OK?" He looks from Bella to me, frowning.

I shrug. "Same old shit at school, the place is a goddam gossip factory. It'll settle in a bit."

Jake nods and puts his other hand over Bella's. "No-one's hassling you about…?"

She shakes her head, looking down. "No. That's not been made public." She looks up at him again. "But I meant: after-effects like PTSD. Like, like nightmares, that sort of thing."

"Nah. Not gonna to let a dickhead like that get to me, Bells. Just glad he can't hurt you any more."

I collect the coffees and Bella stirs in some sweetener.

"I just, it's just…" She looks at me. "What you said, afterwards. About kind of planning it – him falling…" She focuses on her cup, stirring mechanically although the powder's long since dissolved. "I mean, whatever he was, you must feel something. Surely?" Her hand falls still and she looks from me to Jake, worry lines creasing her forehead.

Jake's face is closed; he looks stubborn.

What do I feel? Can I put it into words? I sigh, thinking about the therapy I've signed up for. I'll have to do this shit a lot more from now on. Talking. Not my forte when it's about this emo crap. Have to stop thinking of it as emo crap, as well. _Try, Edward._

"You have to realize how we felt, Bella." Jake looks up at me from underneath his dark eyelashes, watchful. "How I felt, anyway." He looks down again. "Ever since you told us about what he did to you…" My hands clench. "I wanted to kill him." Jake nods. "Never thought it'd come to that of course, but it stirred up something… old… in me. Something primitive. And, yeah, I know there'll be reasons, he'll have had a shitty childhood, the usual blahdeblah. Well, join the fucking club."

I drink my coffee. Hot, bitter, the comforting, familiar aroma. "So when I saw what he'd done: hurting you again, frightening you, tying you up and the knife, the gun…" I take a deep breath. "He crossed the line. And let's face it, he was never going to stop, Bella; he was obsessed. There wasn't any real choice."

She's biting her lip, her eyes are a little too bright, too moist. "Maybe not, but there are consequences, even if you had to… even if he would have…"

"Yeah… Yeah. I'm not sorry about ending him, about our part in it. Although I have to say there wasn't a lot of rational calculation going on at the time. But I guess that's the point. Knowing I could do that, that those instincts would kick in… it's a little frightening to know I've got it in me."

Jake nods. "Yeah, ditto." He rolls his shoulder muscles as though there's something on his back, then takes a sip. Then he puts the cup down again and looks up, dark eyes sharp. "I'd do it again though, in a heartbeat. No-one gets to do that to you, Bells, no-one. Not if I'm there."

"You can't shield me from everything, Jake." Her eyes are still bright.

"I know." He looks away again, swallowing.

I wonder if he's thinking: _and you've chosen Edward anyway, so where do I fit in?_

***

It gets better. Ordinary life closes around us: school, family, day to day routines. Jake still grieves for Billy but mostly he keeps it under wraps. Sometimes a chance remark will set him off and I notice he's distracted, gazing off into memory, his face sad. He doesn't let us see it very often.

Looking back at the rest of that year, our junior year, it's like a series of snapshots. Only the highlights stand out now; the rest blurs into background.

Our first time together again after the James thing. Up in my room as usual, everything settled enough that Charlie's OK about Bella having sleepovers again. We're tender with each other as though we were all still bruised, even though the actual bruises have faded to faint discolorations. _Riviera Paradise_ by Stevie Ray Vaughan drifting mellow from the laptop as we move together slow and gentle, lips and hands and gliding skin. Holding Jake against me, both of us kneeling, his bronze back warm on my chest while I play with his nipples and kiss the curve where his neck meets his shoulder. Bella sprawls before him, licking her way up his cock as he arches back into me, moaning and thrusting his hips imploringly towards her mouth while I whisper promises into his ear and stroke his belly.

When the weather improves we manage to persuade our various parent-figures to let us take a week-long camping trip together. Of course it means endless lectures about avoiding bears and which (safe, touristy) parts of the National Park we're allowed to venture into, and Charlie gets a fancy GPS phone from somewhere and insists Bella do daily call-ins to reassure him. One advantage to our families' inability to imagine our triangular relationship is a touchingly naive belief that Jake tagging along as our friend will stop me and Bella from getting it on in the woods. Yeah, right. I think Esme and Charlie know, at some level, what's going on, but they call it friendship. Which it is.

We cook on the campfire, play cards by the light of flickering flames and our camping gas lamp, laugh at stupid jokes and tease Bella for being nervous about taking a piss in the blackness of the trees after dark. Washing ourselves quickly in icy streams in the morning, shivering with gooseflesh.

One day in late afternoon we reach the crest of a ridge, a great sweep of woods and water stretching away in front of us in the golden light, breathtaking. Another time, stumbling on a perfect fairyland clearing, thick with green moss, the trees like bonsai, like something out of Tolkien. I try to burn it all into memory, sensing that few things later on will shine as brightly. Sometimes you just know.

We don't use the second tent; Jake carries it rolled up tight at the bottom of his pack all the way. No hardship for him: he's been working on the boats again and is nothing but rippling muscles and stamina. Fucking beautiful, even if he does have to rein it in and go slow for us, especially Bella. Given how she hates trekking she's pretty good about it, hardly complaining at all. And the point isn't how much ground we can cover, so ambling along is fine.

We're sharing a joint around the campfire one clear, still night. Stars are burning blue-white in the gap between branches overhead, a rocky outcrop behind us, sheltering us and reflecting the fire's warmth. We spread the groundsheet and sleeping bags out beside the fire. It's warm enough that we don't need to huddle under the covers, which is good because Bella loves to watch. She lies alongside and strokes us dreamily, trailing her hand down my flank, down Jake's thigh, feeling our muscles flex. I stare down at Jake as he arches below me, opening for me as I fuck him deep and slow, drawing it out in a sensual haze. My fingers find Bella's, interlacing as I feel the pressure build and tighten in my balls, letting her hold me safe as the waves pulse through me and into Jake, making him gasp and spill into his hand.

We don't talk any more about what we're all doing, what the three of us are together. There's a sense of living on borrowed time, of taking what we can before it all changes. I guess that none of us can see how it could go on indefinitely. So there's a bitter-sweet edge, and the better we are together, the stronger that undertaste of loss.

Jake still sets himself apart. We hook up once a week, but Bella and I live in each other's pockets. I wonder, if it were me, could I have handled it? Probably not, but he's better than me in so many ways, stronger. Sometimes I think it's my weakness and neediness that Bella responds to, that makes her put me first. It bothers me a little, but if that's the way it works, I'm not going to argue.

Jake never pushes it. He never tries to see her alone, just the two of them. Sometimes they get it on, when we're together, and he always looks over at me beforehand, a subliminal nod passing between us. One time she rides him as I kneel across his legs behind her, cock pressed solid in the small of her back, one hand caressing her breast and the other around her waist, holding her there for him to fuck. And another time when he's on top, I lube him up and slide in a couple of fingers, bending across his back pressing kisses to his shoulder blades as I curl my fingers around and finger-fuck him until he's pumping mindlessly to my rhythm.

Yeah, I'm a possessive, controlling bastard, so what else is new?

And in between, the background hum of classes, exams, therapy, family dinners. As I let go the anger bit by bit, music comes back into my life. I find I'm writing more, playing more. Bella curls up on the couch, reading her novels or scribbling in a notebook as I work on my own pieces at the piano or practice old favorites.

***

Two weeks before summer break, Jake tells us he's leaving school and leaving, period.

He's saved enough to travel for a while, and he wants to get away, restless now that the sharp edge of his grief has faded. He plans to get jobs on the fishing boats or as a mechanic and work his way south through the coastal towns, down to San Francisco. Maybe even further, to L.A., too restless for College.

Bella tries to persuade him to stay on for senior year and graduate, but he won't be talked around. She blames herself, blames us for driving him away. Jake reassures her it's not us, it's him, and we don't believe it but the truth is it's many things: us, Billy, James.

Bella and I argue, miserable for a couple of days before making up with a desperate fuck in the back seat of the Volvo late one night, Bella straddling me as we cling to each other. I bite her shoulder as I come, marking her.

***

It's our last time together; Jake leaves tomorrow. Sunday, a fine, warm day as we bump down the narrow track through the forest in Bella's truck. Her idea – a picnic in the meadow.

After our camping trek the walk in takes no time, and soon we're set up in the familiar clearing of sun-warmed grass, with blankets and the food laid out, plus a cooler of drinks that Jake carried in. Bella made all our favorites so we stuff our faces shamelessly. I brought the iPod and speakers, and they tease me because, yeah, of course there's a playlist. I mean, fuck. Hardest one I ever assembled, and it's going to be a real nostalgia trigger. Mellow stuff, all chill numbers, from Deodato's _Pavane_ to Orbit's _Adagio_.

The mood's intense. Superficially casual, three friends who know each other well enough not to need chatter to fill the silence. I lie there on my back, stomach full, the warm sun glowing red through my eyelids, and listen to the _Adagio_. I let the string section's sweet flowing melody sink into me, ebbing and cresting, threaded through with an aching minor theme of parting and loss, of unresolved longing. Building and building until it's painful.

Tears burn behind my eyes and I feel Bella's hand on my cheek. I open my eyes and she smiles down at me. Her other hand's interlocked with Jake's and she leans in and kisses him softly, then presses her lips to my eyelids. They've cleared the food away so we slide down onto the blankets, drawing it out, making it last.

Slow unbuttoning and peeling away of clothing, lips on skin as it's exposed to the sun, arching over each other, touching, memorizing each other's bodies. Shockingly intense, shuddering against each other, twining. Desperate to be together this final time, to leave no-one out until Jake's gone and there's no more choice. Jake lies back and takes Bella onto him, slowly, slowly sliding down on him as I kneel behind and stroke the soft fur at the base of her belly, sliding my fingers down into her slit to caress her and Jake where they're joined. I bend her forwards, sliding my fingers through her wet cleft to tease Jake's thick shaft, then back to the puckered entrance, teasing her, pushing in a little way, then, fingers properly slicked, penetrating her with one finger, then two. I feel Jake's cock slide and press against my fingers, and he moans. Bella pushes back on my hand needily and I feel her soften and open.

When I slide into her she quivers and gasps, tense for a moment then relaxing around me. Slow, so slow as I ease myself inside, rubbing up against Jake's hot, pulsing hardness. He groans, deep in his chest, unable to stay still, writhing against me inside Bella. I can feel every movement, every shudder and twitch, feel Bella's involuntary contractions, transfixed between us.

The intimacy is shocking. For a while it's all swollen and flesh and I can't tell where I end and they begin. Nothing but heat and tight, sliding pleasure. Then Jake and I find a rhythm together, slipping past each other with delicious slow thrusts. I hold Bella tight, one arm around her, my other hand trapped between them, wet fingers grazing her clit and Jake's cock.

Faster, and deeper, and Jake's straining back and making incoherent noises. Bella's gasping and I'm quivering helplessly. I reach out to catch Bella's hands on each side, stretching our arms out to twine our fingers with Jake's on the ground as we shudder and pulse, melting into each other, all sun and warmth and bodies and pleasure.

***

We get a postcard every few weeks, Jake's usual laconic scrawl on the back. Pictures of fishing boats, of rocky harbors. One time he sends a strip of images from an Instant Photo booth. He looks the same: shoulder-length hair loose, mouth half-smiling, dark eyes hooded. Bella chooses her favorite from the strip and has it enlarged and framed.

The postcards trail off after a few months and Bella and I are busy with exams. It's only on Graduation day when I'm waiting to go up onto the stage in my cheap, uncomfortable cap and gown that I realize we haven't heard from Jake for several months. I close my eyes and wish him well, hoping he's found a life somewhere, made some new friends.

Later there's a party, of course. Bella and I are a familiar couple now, blending in and accepted in a way that we weren't when Jake was around. When I was Edward fucking Cullen. I feel that I'm playing a role, that I've learned to pass. Sometimes it frightens me, this almost cloying normality; I get restless. But we won't be here long. We've both been accepted at Berkeley, the University of California. Bella's majoring in English, and, after a tussle with Esme and Carlisle who thought medicine was a safer option, I'm enrolled at the music school to take Composition.

Later still and we're alone again, in bed. Bella's put small candle-lights around the room. I stretch against her, silky with wine and tiredness, nuzzling the trace of perfume behind her ear. _Angel_, its distinctive, chocolaty scent teasing me as I lick her lazily. She slides down and takes me into her mouth and I sprawl, grateful, hardening under her lips as she envelops me in her hot, wet mouth, tongue flickering over the head of my cock until I moan and try to thrust, trembling under her firm hands as they press my hips flat to the mattress.

I writhe and nudge her off before she makes me lose it completely, pulling her up and then holding her waist as she lowers herself down, engulfing me again, more wetness, more heat. Riding me in the golden light, her breasts in my hands as we flex together, hinged by pleasure. Then urgent, gripping her and pulling her down, gasping and ragged as we spasm and cry out.

Afterwards she folds into me softly, head on my chest as I play with her hair.

"Do you think he's OK?"

I know who she means. "I hope so. Hope he's moved on, that he's making a life somewhere else. That he's found someone."

"He deserves better." She sounds fierce; I can hear the edge of tears. "Someone should love him."

"People do. We do." I kiss her hair.

"Mmmm, but…you know." She lifts her hand, waves it vaguely, sighs into my neck. "I miss him."

"Yeah, me too."

We lie there as the candles flicker out one by one. Bella's warm and solid, draped over me as I hold her and stroke her comfortingly. Our bodies fit together, two parts of a whole.

I wanted it all, wanted stupid, superficial shit to dull the pain. Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll. Didn't even know that this was what I really wanted, what I needed. She's so much more than I ever thought I'd have, so much more than I dreamed.

It's almost perfect.

But you can't have it all.

 


	28. What You Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight universe and I'm just taking liberties.  
> Acting Out Playlist is [here](http://www.mixpod.com/playlist/46881693)

_Jake_

  


I check the fridge again. Beer, some white wine, plenty of juice of course. The barbecue's fired up and the hot dogs are ready to go. I made a big bowl of coleslaw and Sue did me some of her special potato salad. Bella said they'd bring dessert. Bella. And Edward.

I'm oddly nervous as I close the fridge door and lean my forehead against it, enjoying the cool pressure. It's warm today, unusually fine for a mid-June La Push Saturday. How will it be to see them again? How much will they have changed?

I've changed. So much that it's hard to recall the teenage Jake who tooled off on Sophie the Harley (I smile a little, remembering her), with his scars still raw and fresh. Off to play out some dumb James Dean romantic loner script, to figure out who the hell I was and what I needed, because I couldn't have what I really wanted. Yeah, weird to remember all that now, and the thought of seeing them again is making me feel kind of tight and edgy inside, so maybe it's not all laid to rest…

"Daddy!" She breaks me out of the introspective daze, pulling at my jeans as I bend and lift her up.

"Hi, Soph. What's that on your face?"

She wriggles in my arms, not interested in the state of her complexion. It'll be a good few years before we have to handle that shit, thank Christ.

"You been getting into the ketchup, Soph?" I check her hands out hastily before they go all over my shirt. Yep, ketchup.

"Like ketchup."

"Yeah, I know you do, but wait 'til you've got a hot dog to go with it, OK? You'll make yourself sick." I wipe her hands at the sink and clean the smear from her cheek as she squirms away from the dishrag, giggling.

"Juice!"

"Yeah, OK, let's get you some juice." I sit her in a chair at the table, then find her plastic mug and the juice, diluting it with water. "There you go."

She grabs it in both hands, drinking with intense concentration. My hand falls to her hair, the black curls thick and silky. Lou's heritage, the curls, from her Irish father. I tuck the label in on the back of Sophie's t-shirt. It's her favorite pink one with glitter on the front; we're both of us all spruced up for this reunion.

Car doors slam and they're here. Sophie's excited but a little shy, so I take her by the hand as we go out to welcome them. I'm not ready for the feelings that hit me when I see Edward and Bella: they look just the same. Yeah, they're older, we're all six years older, and I catalog the small changes: a few lines around the eyes, stronger planes to Edward's face, Bella even lovelier than I remembered, somehow lit-up and not as thin as she used to be. We're quiet for a second as their eyes travel across me as well, then it's all smiles and exclamations, and Sophie's clinging to my leg, shy again until I persuade her to say "Hi".

"God, Jake, she's lovely. What is she now – three?" Bella's beaming.

"Three and a half!" corrects Sophie, zeroing in on the important stuff.

Edward grins, and does the old shoulder-punch thing. "Damn, it's good to see you again, Jake."

There's an odd, hot feeling in my chest and I can't resist ruffling his hair. "Still with the crazy hair there, Eds."

He smirks. "Some things don't change."

Bella's been hunkered down, chatting with Sophie, and she straightens now, casting Edward a sardonic glance. "He thinks it makes him look like a wild, artistic composer," she teases, "when really, he writes advertising jingles."

Edward pouts: "Hey, those advertising jingles keep you in computer ink cartridges, so knock it off."

Bella snorts and grabs me, pulling me into a hug. The hot feeling gets stronger and I blink fast, then it's OK, I've got it under control.

Inside we unpack the brownies Bella brought and I get everyone drinks, then we head out to the back yard, Sophie dragging Bella off to show her the sandbox and playhouse while Edward and I do guy stuff with the hot dogs. Pretty soon we're sitting in the shade with heaped platefuls of food.

Sophie's being good – excited, but not playing up too much, and she handles her lunch alright, not spilling too much ketchup in her enthusiasm. I've set up her little table and chair right by our plastic chairs, so she's happy.

"So, catch-up time, huh?" I raise my eyebrows at them and take another mouthful of potato salad. "Tell me what you guys have been up to."

Bella shoots a look sideways. "Shall I start? Edward got his bachelor's in Composition at Berkeley, summa cum laude and in record time, of course." They smile at each other.

"Yeah, only because you worked at that gourmet pizza place to support us though, while you were doing yours." He turns to me. "She majored in English, then did a Teaching Certificate."

"Yep, and now I'm a trainee teacher back at Forks High, like some sort of spooky time-loop sci-fi story."

"Man," I shake my head. "Never thought you'd end up back there again, Bells, sounds a bit tame. So you're part of the establishment now, huh? Marching around hauling the kids up on PDAs?"

She laughs. "Yeah, not. Be kind of hypocritical of me to criticize _their_ love-lives, don't you think?" We share a grin. "No, it's OK, actually. I like it more than I thought I would. I like teaching, love English and the kids are OK. Mostly. One of us needed a steady income and I do my writing at home, in my own time."

"You're writing?"

"She's half-way through a novel." Edward strokes her arm, and smiles at her, looking so damn proud. "She's far too modest so I'll tell you that she's good, Jake. It'll be published for sure."

"Well, we'll see. You're not exactly an unbiased critic and it's not easy getting a publisher."

"Wow, Bells, a book! What's it about?"

"It's Altered History. What might have happened if the South had won the War Between the States. Jasper's helping me with some of the research – he did Civil War History at Seattle U. But it's a love affair as well." I roll my eyes and she laughs. "Well, I am a girl. Esme'd be proud of me, writing a romance."

Edward makes a face and I smirk. "What about Alice, what's she doing?"

Edward puts his empty plate on the ground. "She did Fashion Design at the Seattle Art Institute and she's got her own clothing shop now – they live in Seattle. So do Emmett and Rose. _They've_ got two kids now, and Emmett's a sports journalist."

"Jeez, two kids, and me with Sophie." So many changes. I look up to see Edward and Bella exchange a look. She shakes her head slightly and takes Edward's hand, squeezing it. Sophie chooses that moment to clamber up on my lap so I ditch my own plate and pull her up, settling her in. Her thumb goes into her mouth and she curls up on my chest. "So you said that you're living in Forks again?"

"Yeah, we rented a place." Bella shrugs: "It's alright, not very big but we can't afford much. I wanted to be closer to Charlie, make sure he's eating OK, you know. But we didn't want to live with him – needed our own space." She picks up her glass of juice and takes a sip. "Your turn now, Jake. Tell us the story."

"The first part you know – I just traveled down the coast on Sophie, working here and there."

"Yeah, and how come you named your daughter after a Harley, Jake?" Bella's eyebrows are raised and she gestures at Soph, fast asleep now, thumb wedged in her mouth.

I grin, unrepentant. "It's a nice name – I guess it was a sentimental choice. I'd been traveling for a year or two. Spent some time in San Francisco, then I went on down to L.A. Didn't like that so much so I drifted back north again. I missed the rez as well. I was headed back home when some asshole sideswiped me just outside Portland. The bike was a write-off and I ended up in hospital with a broken leg. That's where I met Lou again: Louise, an old girlfriend, before your time. She's from the Makah rez but she'd gone to Portland to train as a nurse. Anyway, I needed a place to stay while I had physical therapy and she needed a room mate, so I ended up living with her. Sophie was an accident, one night when we'd gotten pissed celebrating Lou passing her final exams. Lou didn't handle it well, she's always been ambitious, she's a theatre nurse now – not the maternal type. Anyway, I persuaded her to go through with the pregnancy, I'm not really sure why at the time, it just felt like something that needed to happen. And once I felt the baby moving inside her…" I pause, swallowing, remembering the rush of intense feeling that had flooded me, my hand on Lou's rounded stomach, feeling the child we'd made kick against my palm. I drink some more beer. "Yeah, well, I was a goner. Then when she was born and they put her in my arms – that was it, really, game, set and match to the kid."

I bend down and kiss Sophie's dark curls and she makes a snuffling noise against me. I look up at them. "She's my life, now. Lou's still in Portland, comes up to see us every couple of months and it's OK, we get on fine, really. We never loved each other, but we're friends. I've got Sue and Harry near by, and Quil and Embry and their families, so there's plenty of people falling over themselves to help me with Soph. It works out alright. I make some cash as a mechanic, working here at home, and I'm even doing an extramural course in Native American Studies. So life's pretty full, really."

Bella's looking at Sophie, her eyes soft. Edward takes her hand again and squeezes. "Yeah, I can see how she'd win you over. She's a beautiful kid, Jake. You're lucky."

I smile: "I know. There were some tough years there but it worked out."

I don't want to think about the bad time after I left La Push. Traveling, working, avoiding people, drinking alone in bars, eating alone in diners. Never staying anywhere for long, no ties, just the occasional one-night stand with a guy or a woman. Crushing down the feelings inside me until that cold empty space seemed always to have been there. Until Sophie filled me up and opened me out. I feel a rush of intense love for her so strong it's painful. My throat closes off and I have to breathe through it, gentling Sophie's hair with one hand until I can speak again.

"What about you, Edward? Advertising jingles? Really?" I quirk an eyebrow at him, dubious.

He shrugs. "Yeah, well, whatever brings in the money, and I can work from anywhere these days. Music for ads, and I sold a couple of songs and did the music for a TV show, back in San Francisco. Made some contacts there, and I think they'll ask me to write the score for a low-budget art movie they're planning. But mainly I'm writing my own compositions. A piano concerto at the moment. It's a bit like Bella getting published – once it's done I still have to try and persuade someone to perform it."

"You know Simon will help," Bella says. She turns to me: "He's an old friend from Berkeley, Edward's advisor."

So we talk about music and books and the gossip from the rez and Forks High, and Sophie wakes up and I smear more sun block on her so she can run about in the yard. We play a little catch with my old baseball, Sophie making determined attempts to throw it but not managing more than a wildly inaccurate couple of feet. We make a huge fuss of her anyway. Then it's inside for brownies and more juice and beers, and finally I'm walking them to the car. The same old silver Volvo. I remember Edward's sexy rant about its safety specifications, and grin a little.

Bella and I hug again. "It was so great to see you, Jake, and Sophie's just wonderful. We missed you, you know."

Edward squeezes my upper arm, smiling, and folds himself into the driver's seat.

Bella leans out her window. "Come for dinner next Saturday, can you?" I nod. "About seven?"

"OK. I'll get Sue to take Sophie."

She beams. Edward leans across and waves, and they drive away. I stand at the curb, thinking about other times standing here, watching one or other of them drive off in the Volvo or the truck. The old truck finally bit the dust and Charlie sold it for scrap. The silver car disappears behind some trees, and I don't feel the usual twinge of loss this time, seeing them go.

I feel a stirring of anticipation.

***

I'm sprawled on their couch, relaxed after a great dinner: lasagna, which Bella remembered is one of my favorites, and strawberries for dessert. Edward and I have demolished a bottle of red wine, although Bella stuck to juice. She's sacked out in a huge old armchair, her feet curled up under her, and Edward's on the other end of the couch, bent over the coffee table, rolling a joint.

He's got one of his playlists running from an iPod, jacked into the music system, old sixties classics like _While My Guitar Gently Weeps_ and _Wild Horses._

He passes it to me: "Thanks, Eds." I hardly ever smoke these days, mostly as I'm looking after Sophie. I suck in the smoke, feeling it burn my throat, washing it down with a mouthful of wine. I hand it back to him and our fingers brush. It feels like he leaves his there a fraction longer than necessary, but I'm probably imagining it. I look over at Bella. Her head's fallen back on the chair and it looks like she's asleep. I gesture across at her: "Bella have a tough day? Sorry if I tired her out making dinner for us."

Edward shoots her a fond look. "Yeah, she does that these days. Don't worry, making dinner didn't wear her out."

We finish the joint and Edward turns toward me, arm along the back of the couch. "So Jake, no girlfriend these days? Or won't Lou let you see anyone?"

I snort. "Nothing to do with her. She's living with someone in Portland – an orthopedic surgeon. She doesn't give a shit who I see, long as I'm careful around Sophie. Nah, I just haven't met anyone I want to be with, you know how it is."

He smiles. "Not really. I kind of went from being the town whore to being with you two in one fell swoop. Don't think I'd be as disciplined as you, if I didn't have Bella to keep me steady."

"I guess Sophie does that for me." I put my head back on the couch, shutting my eyes and letting the weed intensify the music. It's Dylan's _Mr Tambourine Man_ now. My bladder's full but I'm almost too lazy to take a piss. Finally I make myself get up. "The bathroom?"

"Down the hall, second right."

I come back via the kitchen, thinking I'll get a glass of water. Edward's in there, washing dishes. I poke my head into the living room and Bella's still napping. "You sure she's OK, Eds? She didn't have any wine to make her this sleepy."

He sets a pan to drain and turns around, drying his hands on a dishtowel. "She's fine, Jake. She's pregnant. It makes her want to take naps in the evenings."

"Wow, man, that's great news – yeah?"

"Yeah, it's great, really great." And he means it; he's so happy he's almost glowing. "Three months as of yesterday. She miscarried around Christmas, so this time we decided not to tell anyone until she hit the three month mark. You're the first person we've told."

"I'm honored. Oh, man." I pull him into a hug and he laughs and wraps his arms tight around my chest. His head's under my chin and damn he smells good. It all rushes back and I'm flooded by a wave of arousal. Uh oh. Cool it with the inappropriate reactions, Jake.

But Edward seems to feel it as well. He spins me around and presses me up against the sink, laughing into my face as he leans in and pulls me down to his lips. He tastes of red wine, with a bitter edge from the joint. He licks around my lips, teasing me, then pushes his hips hard into my erection and his tongue slides into my mouth as I open up helplessly, moaning and clutching at him. My hand's in his hair and then he pulls back a little, rubbing his thumbs gently down my jaw and pressing soft-mouthed kisses to my cheeks, my eyelids. "Missed you, Jake. Both of us."

He reaches down, cupping my groin and tracing my cock through the denim of my jeans. Feather-light touches until I buck into his grasp, then he strokes me harder, making me groan. "It's alright," he reassures me. "We talked about this, and we want… if you want…do you?"

"Jesus, Edward, what the hell do you think?" I'm hard with longing, tilting my hips desperately into his hand as he runs his fingers up and down my length.

He laughs, breathless, and squeezes me more firmly, making me whimper into his neck. "It's different now," he says. " We're all more settled, not about to head off anywhere. And we've got our own places, no parents to hide from; we can do what we like."

I bite his neck gently, then lick it. "We always did, Eds, but yeah, you're right. Things have changed for me too, I'm not so messed up as I was."

He rubs himself against me, doing the crooked smile. "Yeah, me too. Two years of therapy, and College, and Bella. I'm less of a shit now."

I grin back. "That's a pity, it was always part of your appeal."

That crack earns me a sharp squeeze and his face gets a feral edge. "Oh, I can still be plenty bad when I want to." He drops to his knees and unzips my jeans. And, oh fuck, those wide green eyes as he stares up and slides my cock into his mouth, moaning around it as his eyelids flutter down. He swallows me in then pulls back and licks around the head, one hand around my shaft and the other gripping my hip to hold me in place. My head falls back and I'm quivering with the need to thrust but I manage not to, clinging to the bench and arching towards him as he sucks me and pumps me, so fucking good and so long since anyone touched me like this. He's making enthusiastic noises around my cock, snuffling, wet sounds and I can't last, I can't. Another long suck and I'm shuddering and pulsing, gasping out a choked moan.

My legs feel like water as he zips me up, wiping his mouth, an unbelievably smug expression on his face. I look up and Bella's in the doorway, yawning, and for a second I panic, then she grins at me and Edward goes over and kisses her.

"Mmmm. Brings back fond memories," she says, holding out her hand to me. "C'mere Jake, I'm sorry I passed out there – Edward told you why?" He turns towards me, holding her loosely, that incandescent happiness lighting up his face again.

"Yeah, I'm so happy for you both, Bells." I lean in and kiss her, and Edward puts his arm around my waist.

"Group hug," he says, grinning, and pulls us all together, my face in their hair, my arms around them and theirs around me. And, oh, I've missed this so much.

Bella pulls away after a while. "Leave the dishes, Edward, they can wait until the morning." She draws us with her to their bedroom where a shaded lamp's glowing and it's warm. The bed's soft, and they pull me down in a tangle of limbs and kisses.

***

Later, and I'm sated and drowsy, curled around Edward who has Bella nestled into him. The iPod's still running in the other room and I listen to a familiar track over the quiet sounds of their breathing. It's the Stones again.

_You can't always get what you want  
But if you try sometimes you just might find  
You can get what you need._

I think it might work, this time. I don't need Bella desperately like I did before, and I still love them both. I think they love me too. We're all in a better space, happier in our lives, and being with them sometimes, like this, feels as though it'd be natural and easy, not angst-ridden like before. I drift off to sleep, imagining Sophie growing up with Edward and Bella's kids. Lunches and playdates, barbecues in summer. And after the kids are asleep, evenings like tonight, in their bed or mine.

Family.

**   
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final Endnote:
> 
> Thanks again to EccentricLisa for making the AO playlist.
> 
> I had no idea when I started this that it would run to 28 Chapters (plus an out-take) and turn into a novel. It was partly an experiment to see if I could write a serial fic at about a chapter a week, and in the 1st person present tense as well. Looking back I think I must have been a little crazy to take it on, but it was an interesting experience. I hope you enjoyed it.
> 
> Thanks so much to all of you who've made this journey with me and given me such great reviews and feedback. It's been a real buzz to have other people getting caught up and caring about these kids.
> 
> Acting Out was nominated for the initial round of the Indie Twific awards 2009, and got into the final nominations of these awards in 2010.
> 
> And as a parting gift, I wrote an out-take called "Bad Boys" from somewhere in the middle of the story. It features Edward, Jake and Jasper. I've linked it as part of the "Acting Out" series, but that's all there is folks, no other stories in this verse.


End file.
